Search This Blog

Wednesday 23 December 2009

Only a Geordie man can make you feel like a woman!

On Christmas Eve, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman In the front of the plane. Then a man from Newcastle stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke...


"Iron this -- and then get me a beer Pet."

Christmas Gubbins....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and

two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big

Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?

I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

: 12/07/09 07:33:00

Have A Cool Yule!!

Christmas Tip No 1. Never eat anything served from a window unless you are a seagull! My lovely daughter Susannah (12) and I went through the McDonald's Drive- thru and I gave the assistant a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, “You gave me too much money.” I sez, “Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a quid back.” She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said “We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change. You couldn’t make it up, could you??

Christmas past (three years back) was totally unbearable. I asked the wife what she would like for a prezzie, and with a voice laden with scorn, she screamed at me: “I’m sick of you and I want a divorce!!” I must admit, I wasn’t really thinking of spending that much! I did my utmost to try to make amends with the harridan. I made every endeavour to get her into the Christmas spirit, but to no avail. On Boxing Day, I told her to get her coat on, because of an invitation to a Christmas party. “Oooh” she sez “Have I been invited too?” “No” I replied, “ I’m turning the heating off.” Upon asking her if she would kiss me under the mistletoe, she curtly informed yours truly, “I wouldn’t kiss you under an anaesthetic!” Anyway, I got her a new bag and a matching belt for Christmas. I must say that the Hoover works great now! It wasn’t picking up proper before.

In retrospect, the ex-missus was a tad stressed out at the time, primarily because of being very busy at work during the bleak midwinter months. She was a gritter over Woodhead. You’d be amazed how many men used to follow her up our drive every night. There was one morning in particular, I recollect, when the phone rang at about 3-30 am. Upon answering it, (albeit half-a-kip) I mumbled summat about the caller having the wrong number and that he really should contact the meteorological office. The wife asked who was on the phone at such an unearthly hour. I replied “some geezer asking if the coast was clear.” What’s all that about then?

There was one fella sat all on his own in my local pub, The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife. Apparently it was his firms Christmas ‘do’. I asked him where everybody else was; he replied, “I’m self-employed”

Went to a local restaurant and the missus wasn’t keen on what was on the menu. The waiter sez, “Would you like to hear the specials, madam?” The wife replied, “Yes please” The waiter then sez,” Dis town, Ah ah, is comin’ like a ghost town! All da clubs is closin' down!"

In Christmas past, I bought a turkey from MFI. It took me two days to assemble it. I then discovered that there was a piece left over. The plot thickened on Boxing Day, when a leg fell off!

Two turkeys were talking to each other. One sez “What do you think about all this bird flu that’s knocking about?” The other turkey replied, “ I hope we don’t get culled before Christmas”

A happy Christmas to all my readers, I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that you have a triffic time! Yule log on to my website or gizza festive Tweet on

More Tiger!!!

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Again before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. NOW, CAN I GO HOME?

Saturday 12 December 2009

It's THAT time of year again, innit!!

If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is laughing and chuckling away, whilst flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then lets face it, you’re drunk! Gerroff home!

I asked our butcher how long a turkey would last in the freezer, he told me "about three months". I sez " Thats very strange, coz I put one in the freezer last night and it was dead this morning."

Whilst doing a bit of Krimbo shopping, I popped into a record shop and asked the assistant "What have you got by The Doors?", she replied, "A bucket of sand and the security bloke". Whats all that about then?

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to get lost. Anyone who can fit into my clothes certainly ain’t starving!

After a Christmas party gig that I did recently in a Manchester hotel, I decided to visit the residents bar. and ordered a mug of ‘Farquaharsons Famous Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer’. Feeling immensely confident, I sidled up to a voluptuous young woman and pronounced in my best Richard Burton voice "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at me and said, "For the first two-thirds of it, I probably wasn't even born yet." Oh dear! Hat and coat time already!

The missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers Christmas party. Apparently, it’s just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries and lotsa tinsel. She purchased a couple of really odd items, such as some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don't eat her cooking, so I'm not going to eat her vest am I? She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I wanted. So I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went to the pub.

Moreover, on a chilly winter evening, this week, I was lying on the sofa with the missus watching television. During the commercial break, I reached over and
gave her foot a gentle squeeze. "Mmmmm," she sez. "That's nice, do it again" "Actually," I admitted sheepishly, "I thought it was the remote control."

With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ last September. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: or email me: Now, get back to work!

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a
nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be
considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times
and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must
also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please
note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we
would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and
safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also
requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of
year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally
heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have
been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of
UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in
the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and
how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty
road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent
inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his
discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply
referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof
may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause
in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by
stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC
routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest
route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the
guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three
kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for
the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from
the camels hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness
of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R
Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and
disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this
offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions -
including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this
investigation takes place.


In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
- Oscar Wilde

Thursday 3 December 2009

Tiger Woods Latest!!!

Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She

said "I don't know exactly, but put me down for a 5."

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a


What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a

ball 400 yards.

What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing

Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn't decide

between a wood and an iron.

Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on how

to beat Tiger.

What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he


Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the


Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive a

golf ball.

Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems.

Apparently, Tiger's spraying his balls everywhere.

It turns out that fixing Tiger's game and fixing his marriage both

require the same thing: better control over his putter... 

Why was Tiger's wife mad at him? She heard that he played a-round in


What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence? TIGER'S


Given Tiger's racial heritage can we call this a Black Thai affair?

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family.


Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them

apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.

First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger: Who are you? And what are

all these trees doing in my living room?

What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They've both been

clubbed by a Norwegian.


Tuesday 1 December 2009

Are You American??

Are you American?
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is
over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of
cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park.
What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armor, 20
cheerleaders, a marching souzaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley,
and a team of orthopedic surgeons specializing in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a
rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet
if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home
hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after
sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist
faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head,
whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c)A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six
eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five
corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get
What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at
a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel
in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult
phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team
sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armory and buy him an arsenal of
semiautomatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your
wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't
happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue
your wife's ass.

Fancy Travelling To Oz??

These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. I'm told they
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Draw your own conclusions!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so
how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - Can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some info about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (UK)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath.

Monday 30 November 2009

Manchester United have MUTV. Chelsea have Blue TV. Liverpool have the History Channel. 'Sparky' Mark Hughes is planting some potatoes and carrots around the pitch at Eastlands. This is to ensure that he has summat to pick up at the end of the season.

Q: What's the main problem with Gordon Brown jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: What's the difference between Gordon Browns cabinet and an open prison?
A: One is full of tax evaders, false expenses claimants and threats to society.
The other is for prisoners. Gordon Brown: He has got what it takes, to take what you've got!

A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to
carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there
were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.

The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked
an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear,"
replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have
her zimmer frame back?"

Here is a poem to my former wife, it's called: EX:
As bad things go,
She went.

New songs wot I wrote in different towns:

'I can see Chorley now, the train has gone" (parody)
" The only man who could ever reach me, a delivery pizza man!" (Dusty Springfield)
"Don't look back in Bangor" (Oasis)
"Knutsford City Limits" ( I Can Turn A Corner)

We were late for an evening out, and I was downstairs, pacing back and forth glancing at my watch, then I yelled upstairs to the missus, "Are you ready yet?" Shouting back, she replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last two hours that I'll be ready in five minutes!" What’s all that about then?

This fella is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999. He sez "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her" Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?" CLICK,BANG! Fella replies "OK, I've done that, whats next?"

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Moreover, let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Furthermore, sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you justget more light? So visit my website and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Now, get back to work! Christmas is-a-comin,' the countdown is on!! Gonna costa fortune innit! Aaaaargh!

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

Tuesday 24 November 2009

I'm An Illegal Immigrant- Try And Get Me Out Of Here!

A Somali arrives in Bradford as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank
you Mr. Britain for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Indian."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in Britain!" The person says, "I no
I Chinese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Poland, I am not

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you British ?"

She says, "No, I am from Pakistan!" So he is puzzled, and asks her,
"Where are all the British?"

The Pakistani lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...

"Probably at work."
08:09 | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | "Life with Austin"

Perks Of The Job...

In the local chemist, a geezer asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The lady at the
counter said that she herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her
sister owned the shop, so there were no male employees. She asked how she
could help. The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist. She reminded him that
she was completely professional, observed confidentiality and he could speak with her.

"This is difficult for me to discuss," he said, "but I have a permanent
erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."

"Just a moment", said the pharmacist, " I'll go and have a word with my sister."

She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this in great detail. The
absolute best we can do is, 25% ownership of the shop, a
company Mercedes, and £6,000 a month living expenses."

Check Your EYESIGHT!!


If so, scroll down...



Beware Toast!!!

Breaking News...

Breaking News: The Large Hadron Collider experiment has re-started after a 14-month hiatus while the machine was being repaired. The LHC is being used to smash together beams of protons in a bid to shed light on the nature of the Universe. Smashing together particles to resemble summat else is nowt new. The missus has been at it for many years in our scullery. She generally uses the smoke alarm as a timer. We have the only wheelie-bin on our street that has ulcers.

The Secret Language of Women – What they REALLY mean!

(1) Fine : This is the word that women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a buffoont and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Fascinating Facts: During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, she said that she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long. You couldn’t make it up could you?

Joke of the week: A woman went to A & E at the local hospital, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about two minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's office. "What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website or email me:

Thursday 19 November 2009

These are the The Worst (or Best) Country & Western Song Titles of All-Time:

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
15. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
16. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
17. Please Bypass this Heart
18. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
19. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

"A female horth."

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend

over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment". So, the midget

shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her


So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once

over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks

him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her


Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms

and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him

out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, spluttering and


"Perhapth I should wephwase that; Can I thee her wun awound a


Monday 16 November 2009

Army Structure...

I went to a party at my local pub ‘The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife last night, where me and my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert, enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick. Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24 hour period. You may experience cider effects.

I got home quite late and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on ones feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”

Of course, the following day, she was quite offhand with me. I was sitting on the sofa watching Deal Or No Deal when I heard her voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for tea, lovely? Chicken, beef or lamb?" I replied, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
"Don’t be stoopid. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat." Hell hath no fury innit!

Christmas Gift Idea! Japanese scientists have created a digital camera that has such a rapid shutter speed that it can take a picture of a woman with her gob shut! Incredible innovation innit!

Last week, I was driving to a gig in Chester and my Sat-Nav said ‘Bear left’ and there was Chester Zoo! How brilliant is that? Terrific technology!

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

Feeling a bit down? Brighten up your day by doing the following:

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Gordon Brown".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Gordon Brown ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

Disclaimer: the accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts undisputed after more than 2 minutes after the document is printed become uncontrovertible truths.

Friday 13 November 2009

Friday Blonde Gag..

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside
who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,... .. "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,


The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' ..... Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday' ..... duuhhh!"

Thursday 12 November 2009

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational,

which once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic

and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are

running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got

extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is

off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,

Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting

the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem

smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed

just after you've accidentally walked through a
spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,

gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and

be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding

a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning

submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are

asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much

weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having flat stomach.

4 Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up

who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death,
the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by Jewish men.

Friday 6 November 2009

Teacher Joke..

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that
eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word,
but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's
no tomorrow!


A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their
25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening
25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,

"When you first saw my
naked body in front of you,
what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw
your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked,
"What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "Mission Accomplished!"


The Doctor's Tale

Dr. Dave had slept with one of his patients
and felt really guilty.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake the sense of betrayal.
But every once in a while he’d hear a reassuring voice in his head saying

“Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor
to sleep with a patient, you won’t be the last
and you’re single. Just let it go.”

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality
by whispering
“Dave, you’re a vet.”


Thursday 29 October 2009

Breaking News...

His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly
used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for BBC News 24,'
he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment .......
Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is ...... You're NOT my flight instructor??'


1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Gordon Brown".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Gordon Brown ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

Tomorrow we'll do Alistair Darling

Tuesday 27 October 2009

This fella (pictured below) won £24 million on the Euro Lottery, then the very next day, he meets the girl of his dreams. Howzat for good luck?!?!

So, the other day, the battery in my car died, I asked my next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert if he had any jump leads. He gave me a load of phone numbers. What’s all that about then?

A further vehicular disaster was my water pump. I bought the water pump from a local auto parts store and it came with a full warranty. The warranty said ‘Limited Lifetime Warranty’, excluding the casting, shaft, bearing and rotor. I later discovered that the only four components present are, the casting, shaft, bearing and rotor. So now I have a limited warranty on nowt. I can see myself having this conversation with the geezer in the auto-parts shop, " I bought this water pump here and it has ceased working. The warranty states that you owe me nothing, and that's what I expect." The clerks response would be summat like, “ I'm sorry sir, but your nothing is limited.”

The ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die, you come back as summat else. She sez that she wanted to come back as a pig. I replied, “You're not listening properly, are you?” I used to call her ‘Magnolia,’ coz she’d go with anything! We shared the same sense of humour. We had to do, because she didn’t have one!

Fascinating Fact no. 2472: Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. On that basis, since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you! That women are going the 'right' direction? I think we should be told!

Credit Crunch Tip No 2643: You know that the recession is causing problems when the mortgage, the car loan and the wife are all three months overdue.

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".

Having performed at copious workingmens and social clubs over the last three decades, I have noted that there is no monument anywhere dedicated to the memory of a committee.

Try this. It's really amazing!

Think of a number.
Multiply it by 3.
Now add 5.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 7.
Subtract 2.
Add back the number you first thought of.
Now, close your eyes.
Dark, isn't it?

Disclaimer: the accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts undisputed after more than 2 minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my website: or why not email me at Now, get back to work!

Saturday 24 October 2009

The Balloonist...

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in I . T . ," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f*cking fault..."

Memorable Football Manager Quotes...

Malcolm Allison:

A lot of hard work went into this defeat.

Ron Atkinson

1. I needed to give my players some technical advice - I told them that the game had started.

2. I never criticise referees and I won’t change a habit for that pratt.

Craig Brown: Kevin Keegan and I have 63 international caps between us – he has 63 and I have none.

Kevin Keegan: In some ways cramp is worse than having a broken leg.

Brian Clough: Do you know that Sinatra once met me.

Sven-Goran Eriksson: Before his first game as England manager: I’m nervous about meeting so many people. It’s like when you go out with a woman for the first time, you’re bound to wonder how it will end up.

Sir Alf Ramsey: There is great harmonium in the dressing room.

David Pleat: To a 17 year old Neil Ruddock – ‘When you finish playing football young man, which I feel will be very soon, you will make a very good security guard.

Sir Bobby Robson:

1.I would have given my right arm to have been a pianist.

2. We don’t want our players to be monks. We want football players; a monk doesn’t play football at their level.

Lawrie McMenemy: When you are 4-0 up you don’t expect to lose 7-1.

Bill Shankly: To Celtic manager Jock Stein at Anfield – ‘Jock. Do you want your share of the gate money or shall we just return the empties.

Jose Mourinho: On his predecessor at Chelsea, Claudio Ranieri – I could say what has he ever won, but I won’t.

Sir Alex Ferguson: When I was at St. Mirren it was a desolate place. Even the birds woke up coughing.

Gordon Strachan: On Eric Cantona - If a Frenchman goes on about fishing boats and sardines, he’s a philosopher. I’d just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap.

And the best of all:

John Lambie (Partick Thistle manager) when told a concussed player didn’t know who he was – ‘great, tell him he’s Pele and get him back out there quick.’

Tuesday 20 October 2009

Idiosyncratic behaviour...

Do you find that that the idiosyncratic behaviour that we sometimes display and the quirks of our individual display model of human nature fascinating? Consider me this: Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in completely the opposite direction of where you are supposed to be perambulating? However, instead of just turning around and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch (Sometimes I'll look at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is!) or mobile phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazeridden because you have randomly switched directions on the pavement. Sometimes, I cross over the road, for no apparent reason! 


My doctor has prescribed some tablets for my failing memory. I have to take three tablets, four times a day. Or is it four tablets, three times a day? Moreover, I can’t remember where I’ve put my memory stick. I’ll have to find it because I saved this column is on it. If this column doesn’t appear in the paper this week, then you know I am still looking for it. 


 Being a comedian is a most unenviable career. More often than not, when someone is telling me a joke all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own joke that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. It’s tantamount to narcissism innit! Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's definitely watching and laughing at the right parts. 


Why is it that I would rather try to carry ten plastic grocery bags in each hand, rather than take two trips to the car to bring my groceries in? What's all that about then? 

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. The doctor sez I have an eating disorder. Apparently, its two hands and one gob! 


I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. Shirts get dirty. Undercrackers get Richard Widmarks in them. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. Plus they have pockets too! ‘Do not machine wash or tumble dry’ means I will never wash this ever. 


 I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website or email me: Now, get back to work! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday 12 October 2009

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

Sunday 11 October 2009

Joke of the Week!

The Mexican maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the increase.

She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want a pay increase. The first is that I iron a lot better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron a lot better than me?”
Maria: “Your husband say so...”
Wife: “…Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a much better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a much better cook than me?”

Maria: “Your husband did.”
Wife: “…Oh.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..”
Wife: (really furious now!): “I suppose my husband said that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora...... the gardener did.”
Wife: “...So how much more money do you want?”

Fascinating Fact of the Week!

After intensive studies at the University of Manchester Institute of Science and Technology, it has been found that beer contains many female hormones and I think they are right. Think about it. Personally, after just six pints of Farqharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, I talk a load of old cobblers and I can't drive! Extemporaneous, crapulous logorrhea! What’s all that about then?

Detailed below are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...

Solicitor: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Solicitor: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Solicitor: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Solicitor: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Ada?"
Solicitor: And why did that upset you?
Witeness: My name is Vera!

Solicitor: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of three-dimensional human existences. Visit my website and continue the quest! You can email me on now, assume a comical position and strike the pose. Oh, and get back to work!

Monday 5 October 2009

New Article..

I had a great summer and missed the UK monsoon period altogether. Apparently, it only rained twice in Manchester over summertime. From May to July and from July to the end of August. All this global warming gubbins appears to be altering the climate to a fantastic degree. Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? I think we should be told!

Upon returning from Cyprus last week, I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" You couldn’t make it up could you?

When the examination was complete, I sez, “Now, Doc, I can take it.

Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” my doctor replied, “You're just a plain old lazy malingerer and wastrel”

'Thank You.' I replied. “Now give me the medical term, so I can tell the missus”

My Grandmother is ninety-five and still doesn't need glasses...
She drinks straight out of the bottle.

On a university exam, students were asked to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote
"I don't know and I don't care."

A blonde schoolteacher notices a little fat boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says asks blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the goalkeeper"

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don't like the looks of your wife at all.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.”

This shouldn't be the end. It should only be the beginning. Do you work with a bunch of nutters? Wish you did? Answer no to both questions? Got any corn plasters? Whoa! Let me back up a second and start over again. Work with a bunch of ‘head-the-balls’? Wish you did? Answer no to both questions? Got any corn plasters? Well then you need to check out to take a glimpse at my nutty Jokey-Blog. Do it now, or the next day, or the day after that and the day after that. Email me direct at Wahee!! The winter is-a-comin’!!

Saturday 26 September 2009

My Grandmother is ninety-five and still doesn't need glasses...
She drinks straight out of the bottle.


On a university exam, students were asked to explain the
difference between ignorance and apathy.

The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote
"I don't know and I don't care."

Monday 21 September 2009

What A Week!!

My visit to Dubai last week was awesome. I performed at the Emirates Airline sponsored 'Dubai 7's Rugby Dinner’, and stayed at Le Meridian which is a 5 star hotel, where the service was absolutely superb. I got up to have a wee at four o'clock in the morning and when I returned from the bathroom, the bed was made! I have been asked to return there in December until mid January, and do some other gigs in Qatar and Bahrain, so no need to unpack then. Isn't life grand when you're daft!

The wife (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers party, whatever that is. Apparently, it’s just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries. She purchased a couple of really odd items, such as some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don't eat her cooking, so I'm not going to eat her vest am I? She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I wanted. So I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went to the pub.

Moreover, on a chilly winter evening, this week, I was lying on the sofa with the wife watching television. During the commercial break, I reached over and
gave her foot a gentle squeeze. "Mmmmm," she sez. "That's nice, do it again" "Actually," I admitted sheepishly, "I thought it was the remote control."

If you haven't accomplished anything so far in your life, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you. However, you should consider your past track record. I was a failure in the boom era, so I now find myself on the crest of a slump.

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, scoffing a Madras curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. The most British thing of all? A suspicion of anything foreign!