Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Laundrette and Washerama....

 

                                     

Ladies. Listen Up! Always remember that having a husband is a precious asset, primarily because you will always have someone close to confide in and share all your secrets and gossip with and he will never betray your confidence and tell anybody, because he wasn’t listening in the first place!



My missus can’t remember the password for Facebook that she created just yesterday, but she can remember exactly what I said on February the 12th 2009! She had a go at me last week and sez: “I was talking to you and you yawned seven times!” I admitted: “Those were not yawns. Those were seven unsuccessful attempts to try and get a word in!



Fascinating Fact: Did you know that laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life whereas
laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.



A woman was having an affair and in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s car pulling up on the driveway. “Quick!” she shouted. “Stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him completely with talcum powder. “Don't move until I tell you.” “Pretend that you're a statue, keep perfectly still.” ” 'What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it's a statue.” she replied: ”The Jenkins next door bought one and I liked it so much, I got one for us, too” Not another word was uttered, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am, the husband got up, went down to the kitchenette and returned with a sandwich and a beer. “Here, have this.” he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue. Then he said to the statue: “I stood like that for two days at the Jenkins house and nobody offered me anything!”



Further Fascinating Fact: Did you know that ‘Dammit I’m Mad’ spelled backwards is: ‘Dammit I’m Mad’. Moreover, If you spell the words ‘absolutely nothing’ backwards, you get ‘Gnihton yletulosba’, which ironically means absolutely nothing.

                                        

Can the government kindly repair the potholes that I was already taxed to fix, because they are causing damage to the car that I pay annual road tax on. The same car that I purchased with the income that I earn that is already taxed. The same car that sits on the driveway of my house that is now subject to paying double the council tax that I had to cough up last year.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. It's great to see so many new faces today....

Back in 1997, when my daughter Suzie was born, another dad at the Maternity Ward congratulated me and sez: “My son was born yesterday. Maybe they'll marry each other!” Yeah right! Like my daughter is going to marry someone twice her age...

Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Laundrette and Washerama, Elsie Grabknuckle sez: “I have a conundrum for you. How many pickled onions could you eat on an empty stomach?” Non-Stick Nora pondered for a minute and replied: “I reckon maybe three.” Elsie corrected Nora and told her: “No. You could only eat one, because after that, your stomach would no longer be empty.” Nora agreed and sez: “Very clever. I never thought of that.” That night, she asked Barmy Albert: “Hey, I got a riddle for you. How many pickled onions could you eat on an empty stomach?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “Hmmm. I could probably scoff five.” Nora opined: Oh fiddlesticks! If you’d have said three, I had a really funny answer!”

I hate it when you visit someone’s house and they make you take your shoes off at the front door. What really annoys me is that they never ever have a bouncy castle!

Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. For more fascinating factual gubbins, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: ComedianUK@sky.com. Now get back to work!

                             

The difference between knowledge and wisdom...

 

                                       

In days of yore, when we had biology at school the teacher asked who was brought up on bottled milk and most kids put their hands up, she then asked the class who was breast fed. Unfortunately, I was the only one to put my hand up, I felt slightly embarrassed, but the teacher told me not to be, as breastfeeding was the best way to bring up a child. I agreed with her, but told her that I found it most disconcerting as I had to share with a bloke who smoked 20 Woodbines and necked 5 pints of Boddingtons Bitter every day.

Meanwhile, Students in an advanced Biology class at the University of Manchester were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get at it.

                                           

  



Thanks to the people that said it's fine to let your pet sleep on your bed. My goldfish is now dead!



It’s funny how supermarkets now put jokes on the back of their desserts. Listen to this one:
“Serves four people.” Yeah right! Anyway, I digress. Non-Stick Nora was In Tesco’s looking for a trifle. She couldn't see the top shelf, so this Viking put her onto his shoulders and walked up and down the aisle until Nora had selected all the puddings she wanted. She didn’t know who he was. Even though she’d been riding through the desserts on a Norse with no name.


Still on the subject of supermarkets, a state-of-the art megastore has opened near me. It employs advanced technology to attract customers. It uses an automatic water mister machine to keep produce fresh. Just prior to activation, you can hear the sound of distant thunder and catch the aromatic scent of fresh rain. Upon approaching the milk aisle, you hear cows mooing and you can smell the fragrance of newly mown hay. Near the egg section, hens are clucking away and the pong of bacon and eggs frying entices the customer even more. The vegetable department produces the scent of buttered corn on the cob. I don’t buy my toilet rolls there anymore though….



The difference between knowledge and wisdom? Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a trifle. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

                                           

Last week in the hot summer weather, Barmy Albert was stung by a bee on his forehead. He’s currently in Tameside Hospital with a swollen and bruised face and a fractured jaw. Apparently, he almost died! Luckily, Non-Stick Nora was close enough to whack the bee with a shovel.



Fascinating Fact: Only a woman who has delivered a baby without an epidural can truly comprehend
the pain that a bloke endures when he’s got the manflu.



Little Jasons mum shouts at him and declares: “You treat this place like a hotel!” As she leaves the room, he starts chortling. His sister asks him what is so funny? Jason sez: “She’ll regret saying that when I give her a low score on Tripadvisor!”

                           

Breaking News: Four teenagers who were vaping behind the Vatican have accidentally elected a new Pope.



In a fatal accident yesterday, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the group of folks that he was photographing did everything they could to warn him…



I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!