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Sunday 31 March 2013


Here is the Wikipedia definition of "paraprosdokian": A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it" is a type of paraprosdokian. OK, so now consider!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness..

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24.. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


Happy Easter Innit!

The North Korean pole vaulting champion broke the world pole vaulting record yesterday. He is now the South Korean pole vaulting champion.

I was complimenting the young lady who lives at the end of our street on her choice of new underwear, but then it suddenly dawned on me that she can't hear me through my binoculars.

Gary Neville's father, Neville Neville has been arrested on sexual assault charges. If he carries on like this, then he is going to get himself a bad name....

Breaking News: A man died at a chocolate factory in the Midlands yesterday. Apparently, a pallet load of boxes toppled over and crushed him. An eye-witness said, “He shouted, ‘The Milky Bars are on me’ However, everyone just cheered and threw their hats in the air!”

I find all this compensation culture in today’s society most disconcerting. I read in the newspaper yesterday that a woman is suing her local hospital because after her husband was treated there, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman said today, “He was admitted into the Ophthalmology Dept. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

A Manchester based solicitor called Milton successfully defended a major criminal from charges of dealing drugs, murder, kidnapping, and fraud. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabbed him by the lapel. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I sincerely believe you would defend Satan himself!" "I don't know," Milton replied, "what has your kid done?"

Whilst picking up my car from the repair garage last week, a large motor home was towed onto the forecourt. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had fallen from a great height." I asked the mechanic what had happened. Apparently,the driver had set the "Cruise Control" and then casually strolled in the back to make a pot of tea!

I was driving through North Wales with a friend of mine, who is dyslexic. Upon observing the road signs, he shouted, “Hallelujah! I’m cured!”

Over Easter weekend, I visited B & Q and the fella at the check-out in front of me had a tube of ‘No More Nails’ and a hammer! Inside the store, there was a banner advertising "Stainless Steel Sinks" and I thought “I already know that.” You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

While I was in the bank with the missus, this bloke locked the door, put a balaclava on, took a gun out and screamed “This is a holdup!” He asked the first guy in the queue, “Did you see my face, before I covered it?” The man said, “Yes” so he shot him! He turned to me and said “Did you see my face?” I sez, “No, I didn't, but the wife did.”

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me! No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: or better still email me: Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!

Tuesday 26 March 2013



1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory .... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives

Sunday 24 March 2013

Hippo Eats Dwarf!

Barmy Albert had to appear in court as a witness to a road traffic accident last week.  The magistrate asked Albert who he thought was to blame for the head-on collision that occurred.  Albert thought for a minute and said, “Well as far as I could tell, I think they both hit each other at exactly the same time.”

A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny fluffy creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing ‘FREE KITTENS.’ Suddenly an entourage of big limousines pulled up beside her.  Out of the first car stepped a grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.  What do you have in the basket?" he asked.  "Kittens," little Suzy said.  "How old are they?" asked Miliband.  Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."  "And what kind of kittens are they?"  "Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile. Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.  Recognising the perfect photo opportunity, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day; and in front of the assembled world media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.  So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when Miliband's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,  Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters.” 
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."  Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know, but today, they’ve opened their eyes."

Finished and Complete: No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. Some folk maintain that there is no difference whatsoever between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished’. However, I beg to differ. Here is my astute answer:  When you marry the right woman, you are ‘Complete’. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘Finished.’  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Thought for Thursday: I’ve just been wondering what "Please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille.

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own.  Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: or email me:   Now, assume a comical position,then strike the pose! 

Great Actor....

There was once a great actor named Warwick Hunt, who had a problem.
He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds
a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has
only one line, you must walk on to the stage
carrying a rose, you must hold the rose
with just one finger and your thumb to your nose,
sniff the rose deeply and then say the line
'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play
he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage,
and with great passion delivered the line;
"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming
with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered,
"What happened, did I forget my line?"

"NO!" the director screamed,

Saturday 23 March 2013

Blonde/Sick Leave Joke

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
"... And where do you think you're going?!"

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark”!

Friday 22 March 2013

Rugby Guy!

She was wearing a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.
 I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly breasts were on show.
 After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.
 No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.
 She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return.
 She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'Does that make you feel good ?' she asked.  'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the National School Rugby Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go.
But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.
Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. 
In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match.
The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it.
I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback,
regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time.
We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.ˇ
"Ahhh....." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet!
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect twat?'
'I certainly have,' I answered, 
'I missed the kick.'

Atheist & Little Girl Joke....

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Sunday 17 March 2013

Business Opportunity. Earn ££££'s!

Are you looking for a home-based business opportunity that really works? Why not convert your cellar into a sausage-knotting factory? Then enlist a dozen illegal immigrants into an indentured apprenticeship and let the fun begin. It really is that easy!

"But how do I convert my cellar into a sausage-knotting plant?"

It's quite simple. Purchase a surplus tranche of sausage-knotting machinery, then buy a pallet load of horse meat and bung both items down in your cellar.

“Okay, that sounds easy enough, but where do I locate Bulgarian and Romanian workers to enlist into a dodgy indentured apprenticeship?"

Hire a massive truck, take a trip to Calais and open the rear doors of the vehicle. The container will literally fill itself within a matter of seconds.

"I live in Stalybridge. Can I rent a truck and just park it at the Calais border?"

You most certainly can. However, it might take a considerable amount of time for you to collect a wagon load of prospective workers. I would strongly suggest baiting the truck with flagons of cold beer, menthol cigarettes and hot meat pies with chips and mushy peas, smothered in a rich onion gravy.

"I'm producing a hundred yards of gourmet horsemeat knotted sausage per hour. Who am I going to offload all this awful offal on?"

Believe it or not, that isn't a stoopid question. All of the major supermarket and fast food outlets, as well as many High Street restaurants will leap at the opportunity to purchase your product. If all else fails, go fetch another truckload of immigrants and start a tin-canning business up in your loft. Everyone simply adores tinned horse meat and you can easily market your products at a local car boot sale.

"Is this business legal?"

Providing that you don’t get raided by the Trading Standards Authorities, you should have no trouble whatsoever. If your operation should be discovered, you can do one of three things to avoid being detained at Her Majesty’s Pleasure:

1) Do a runner.
2) Have it away on your toes.
3) Go on the missing list.

This is all that you need to know to get yourself started in the exciting world of sausage- knotting production. It's a jovial activity for your estranged family together with former friends and you should reap the rewards for many years to come, or until you get your collar felt...

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email

Sunday 10 March 2013

Let Us Prey.....

The missus came home to find me in the scullery preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal. I was using our best china and had set elaborate place settings for two. "Oh this is a really nice surprise," she whispered. "Too flamin’ right it is," I replied, "I didn't expect you back until Wednesday."

Barmy Albert had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a GP’s surgery should appreciate this. Doesn't it seem more and more that doctors are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Albert: He walked into the doctor's and the receptionist asked him what he had. Albert replied, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, HHI number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse came out and asked him what he had. Albert said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told himto wait in the examining room. A half hour later another nurse came in and asked Albert what he had. He said, 'Shingles' So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Albert to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Albert sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what the problem was. Barmy Albert curtly informed him, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where? Albert said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'

Bonnie Tyler has been chosen to represent the UK in the Eurovision song contest. I'm holding out for a zero. I have her voice in the car on my Sat-Nav. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then, it falls apart!

The odd-job man I hired yesterday was a total waste of time. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do and when I got back, he'd only done 1,3, 5 and 7.

One man sez to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?” He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that ..... Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with Kylie Minogue on one side and Micheal Barrymore on the other ...... Who are you going to turn your back on?

My sister called me a lazy twat when she came to my house yesterday. On a more positive note and definitely on the plus side though, she took down the Christmas tree.

Joke of the week: A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, 'Who the hell was that?' 'Oh,'replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.' 'Well, that's the last straw,'says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce.' 'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the  garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.' Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. 'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife.   That's his mistress,' says her husband. 'Ours is prettier,' she replies...

This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on You can also email me: Now, get back to work!

Monday 4 March 2013

Tesco Launches New Product...

Last weekend, I invited a mate back home for dinner. The missus screamed, "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, I ain’t done any housework, not done the dishes and I can't be bothered with cooking! What the hell did you bring him back here for?" I said, "Because he's thinking of getting married." 

I got talking to a girl at the bar. "So," she said. "What do you dislike about yourself?"
I replied, "I often mislead people." "Really?" she asked. I said, "No."

Barmy Albert caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't bother laughing, your next!"

Top Tip: You can't taste the horse meat if you smother it in mascarpone sauce...

Fascinating Fact: After years of research, scientists at the University of Manchester Institute of Science & Technology have discovered what makes a woman happy. Nothing.

Sometimes you just cannot win. I thought I'd be a proper gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady. Just two minutes later she said, "Will you go away and shut the toilet door!"

I spotted a white Transit van on the High Street yesterday. It was covered in muck and some wag had written in the dirt, "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van". I wrote "I bet she is - when you’re at work!"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two old gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose? 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while a student nurse, found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed to be wheeled to the lift. On the way down the nurse asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'Dunno,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: Email me: Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung!