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Monday 22 April 2013

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet.....

Non-Stick Nora’s dog was a female and ‘on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on holiday. She believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs become inflamed and effervescent. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the phone ringing will make the male lose his interest and he will then go downstairs and have a drink." "Do you think that will work?" Nora asked. “Well, It just worked on me," the vet replied.

Sunday 14 April 2013

The Going....

Parting is such sweet sorrow. This will be my last column for a while, as I am away until the autumn. This year, I shall be working on two different Carnival cruise liners, the Legend and the Sunshine. You may have seen these magnificent vessels on the recent Carnival TV ads. Copious exotic destinations beckon and in between cruises, this summer, I will also be performing at the fantastic Warner Leisure Hotels, where the audiences are an absolute joy to work to. I’m at Boddelwyddan Castle, in St Asaph, Alvaston Hall, Nantwich, Thoresby Hall, Nottingham and Nidd Hall in Harrogate. I used to have a girlfriend in Harrogate. No that’s not right. I used to have a girlfriend who thought I was inadequate! Yeah, that’s it!

David Cameron has said that the United Kingdom is fully prepared in the event of any nuclear attacks from North Korea. This sounds ominous, as we weren't even prepared for snow this winter.

Millwall FC will mark the passing of Margaret Thatcher this Saturday with a minutes violence...

The inventor of VELCRO died today, George Mestral. RIIIIP!

Still on the subject of summer jollies, a man sent an email to a small hotel in a High Peak village that he planned to visit this summer. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed, also very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who emailed: “Dear Sir, I've been running this hotel for twenty years. In all that time, I've never had a dog nick any towels, bedclothes, 32” Plasma TV’s, cutlery, silverware or portraits off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. Moreover, I've never had a dog disappear without settling the hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is very welcome at my hotel. Furthermore, if your dog will vouch for you, then you are welcome to stay here as well."

The missus found out I was having a dalliance with the barmaid of our local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife. She packed my bags and screamed, “I want you to leave!” I pleaded with her and begged that she was being too hasty and we should discuss the matter further. “Go on then, I’m listening.” She opined. I sat at the table and confessed, “It was the most incredible experience of my whole life!” That’s all I can remember!

We’d had a terrible argument the night before. She was whinging about her putting on so much weight recently, and I innocently said, “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied,  "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person,  condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark".

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website or email me: Now, get back to work!

Monday 8 April 2013

North Korea Situation....

I really hope the situation between North Korea and the USA doesn't escalate. I am aware that the United Kingdom is well out of Korea's nuclear missile range, but it's pretty likely a few of America's would land on us. Batten down the hatches folks!

Life is so busy these days, it can lead to stress. I have been attempting to get rid of all the clutter in the house this week; I can never find my reading glasses without my glasses. Because of this unfortunate situation, a remedy was urgently required, so I have developed a profound interest in feng shui. Feng shui is a discipline with guidelines that are compatible with many techniques of agricultural planning as well as internal I suppose that you would never consider that a couch potato like me would study an ancient art like Feng-Shui, but dear reader, you would be wrong. If you pop round to my house, you would notice that all the chairs face the telly! My house is also near a pub and a betting shop, so this constitutes perfect harmony. Geomagnetism are basic components of feng shui. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth, and personal relationships. This is where the pub and the betting shop come in.

Indeed, stress is so prolific in our lives these days, that in America (where else?) they actually employ professional worriers. This concept is catching on here in the UK as well. Never even consider psychological counselling, it is no longer fashionable. Counselling is so uncool and very yesterday. A professional worrier can charge up to £500 per week, and for this fee, they will do all your worrying for you, thereby leaving you with a stress free environment. I thought that this was such a brilliant idea, and with all the emotional turmoil and upheaval that I have suffered this year, I have employed three of these professional worriers to work for me personally on a full-time basis. Now you are probably wondering, how can I afford £1500 per week to pay for this service? Well the simple answer is that I can’t afford it. But hey! Let’s let the Worriers worry about that!

I got home quite late and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on ones feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email