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Monday 26 July 2010

Switzerland World Cup Innit!!

Let’s hope Switzerland never hosts the FIFA
World Cup - have you seen the size of THEIR Vuvuzelas?!

Sunday 18 July 2010

Vuvuzela Latest!!

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the world cup."

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

Tuesday 13 July 2010

Sick Skids..

A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints."

Saturday 10 July 2010

BBQ Time Again...

Because it is ‘that’ time of year and we are all about to enter the brief barbeque season, I thought it might be wise to outline the official rules of play. You will be aware that tempestuous rain (in monsoon proportions) has for the last three consecutive years battered the UK during summertime, so I consider that it is of great importance to refresh your memory on the appropriate etiquette and ensuing protocol that must be strictly adhered to with regard to this sublime alfresco catering scenario.

Women, listen up! Let’s get it straight, when a man volunteers to do the barbeque, a sequence of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman will attend the supermarket ‘early doors’ and make any necessary purchases of food and accompanying comestibles.
(2) The woman will marinade all meat, prepare and make good any salad, bake jacket spuds in tin-foil, accompanied by any other miscellaneous vegetables, such as asparagus, wrapped in Parma ham. Further extreme care should be taken when making a nice pudding, such as my fave apple and almond cake. Custard should contain no lumps and should therefore be sieved through a stocking.
(3) The woman prepares and seasons the meat (prior to cremation), subsequently placing it on a platter, along with the requisite cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is languishing beside the grill, larruping ale down his neck. Note: He has a beer in each hand, in an effort to maintain the correct balance.
(4) The woman remains outside the mandatory three yard exclusion zone where
the exuberance of testosterone and other male bonding activities can manifest themselves,
without the interference of the aforementioned mithering female.

Here comes the important part:
(5) The male of the species will then place the meat on the grill.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise any requisite crockery, cutlery and other accessories.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking superb.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat over, thereby engaging in a system of strict rotation.

(8) The man removes meat from grill and will then pass it to the woman for administration purposes.

(9) The woman prepares the crockery, cutlery, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, condiments,
sauces, and fetches the same to the table. If she is unable to do this all at once, then she should make several trips.

(10) After the man and all the kids finish scoffing all the grub, the woman shall then clear and wipe down the table and stack the dishwasher accordingly.

(11) Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his culinary expertise and efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off ‘and, upon seeing her gobsmacked countenance and flabbergasted reaction (she has a face like a Chihuahua chewing a wasp), concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana! So visit my website and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Now, get back to work!

Friday 9 July 2010

Male Sensitivity Test...

1. In the company of females, sexual intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Fancy a Donald (Duck)?

C. Taking the pigskin bus to Tuna Town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only

after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual


B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss Man Utd v Milan on Sky Sports.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever

find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had

sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. £50 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the

last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find

yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."

B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message after the tone...."

C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU!"

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope

with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first


Evaluating Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to

make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.

You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAIN MAN!"

Tuesday 6 July 2010

Taking A Shower...

How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican


Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.


Monday 5 July 2010


It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

Saturday 3 July 2010

A Wise Old Man....

Wise Words - Inspiring

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:


I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and spirits into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.