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Monday 20 May 2013

Body Piercing....

ULTIMATE BODY PIERCING. Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure. The ongoing cost for this piece of designer piercing in the UK now exceeds £10,000.Many men feel it is worth it and are prepared to pay a much higher price for it !

I've been on the computer on the Virgin web site for ages trying to buy a train ticket online for over an two hours now and I'm getting well pissed off.. It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?' So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then I have to start all over again. It's quite disconcerting.....

The missus has been mithering me to buy her a ring for her birthday. Well, I've exceeded her wildest expectations! I've got her FOUR rings! It's actually called a hob....

British Gas phoned me this morning and said, "The meter readings you have provided us with seem to be unusually low for the previous winter quarter." I replied, "Oh yes, I didn't bother reading the meter. I worked out how much I wanted to pay, then reduced the figures to suit." "I'm sorry sir, but that is fraudulent, and you cannot do that!" she curtly informed me. I replied, "Well, it's a method that has always seemed to work very well for you robbing load of bastards."

A blonde gets a job as a classroom assistant. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.'You okay?' she says. 'Yeah.' he replies. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she sez. 'It's best I stay here.' he replies.
'But why?' asks the blonde. The boy replies: 'Because, I'm the f***ing goalie.'

Ronnie Corbett has accused a 9 year old kid of molesting him when he was 41....

BREAKING NEWS: Sir Alex Ferguson has retired under allegations of historical sexual abuse. He has been accused of f**king 11 Liverpool lads, twice a year, for the past 20 years.....

"Take me to your dealer." Said the alien to the first guy he encountered.
"Surely you mean, leader?" The fella replied.
"This is Liverpool, I know what I mean!" retorted the alien.

I used to be very poor.Then I bought a Thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

From Private Eye.

Thursday 16 May 2013

Man & Woman Conversation...

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: £3.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs £3 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be approximately £5400 ...correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend  £5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at £108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?

Monday 13 May 2013

Carnival Legend....

Just back from Sicily after 4 days on board the magnificent vessel that is Carnival Legend. I was working in the Punchliner Comedy Club with George Lopez. Superb cruise. I'm back on this ship next month!

Sunday 5 May 2013

Yewtree are under arrest!

The most unfortunate letter that was ever written:

"Dear Jim,

Please can you fix it for me to go on 'It's a Knockout."