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Saturday, 29 January 2022

The pandemic kerfuffle.....

                        

                                       




In his defence, Boris was totally unaware that it was his birthday. (An excerpt from 50 Shades of Sue Gray). Bring your own boos! It wasn’t any old birthday cake. It was M & S birthday cake!

                                                    



The Met Police have redacted huge tranches of Sue Grays report, because it could have a potential conflict of interest with any forthcoming police action. If Cressida Dick carries on like this, she’s going to get herself a bad name....



Over the past two years, what with all the pandemical kerfuffle, which has included lockdown, masks, social distancing, vaccines and Covid testing etc, has changed many folks way of being and we have all evolved into entirely different entities. Myself, being incarcerated at home with just booze and the missus for company, I’ve become a deaf alcoholic...



Of course, the older you get, the more you learn. For many years, I always thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.

                                          



Non-Stick Nora’s potted cactus has died. Barmy Albert reckons that she is literally less nurturing than the Sahara desert. Nora has a collection of potted plants on her kitchenette

Window sill. Albert has christened it ‘Death Row’....



Last week, our next-door neighbours had a joint Chinese New Year and Burns party. They called it Chinese Burns night. I didn’t really want to attend, but the missus twisted my arm...



I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear: "Can you introduce me to Dave?"

                            



Top Tip: If all the toilets in your home are occupied and you’re desperate for a wee, simply turn off the Wi-Fi router and voila!



Thanks to the gales and storms last weekend, my wheelie bin has to go on a speed awareness course next week! Who’d a thowt it!



Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse.



I called in to see my mate Sid in his new house the other day. He told me to make myself at home. So I chucked him out, because I’m not keen on visitors. Sid has been going through a bad patch lately. He had his ID stolen. I just call him ‘S’ now....



The woke movement have now declared that the word ‘Star’ should now be deemed offensive, as it belittles non achievers.

                                         



A seven year old girl accompanied her father to the office on “Take Your Kid to Work Day” and as they were sauntering around the building, the kid started crying and became most upset. Her dad asked her what was wrong and as the staff gathered around she blubbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?” 

                      

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com.  Now, get back to work! 

 

                                                                      WORDLE



Monday, 24 January 2022

Titanic Survivors Reunion...

 

                                                    




Today is a milestone! Yes, folks, you have no need to wear a mask anymore. It’s as safe as houses. Yesterday, schools and supermarkets were dangerous and masks had to be worn. Today, there’s no problem whatsoever. You can also ditch your Covid passports because the virus knows exactly what day it is! Who’d a thowt it! As you were. Learn to live with it. We’re all in this together. Omincron or Glossop Chron? You choose!



One idiot equals one idiot. Two idiots are equal to two idiots. Thousands of idiots are Boris Johnson’s Tory Party, with the accent on PARTY! .



So I sez to the vicar: “This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?” He replied: “It’s Norman.” I sez: “Sorry, Norman. This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?”



Whilst visiting my daughter last night, I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, Dad" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!



I often wonder if women ever ponder and think: “My man really does seem to be quite intelligent and is an absolute mine of valuable information. Perhaps I should just remain silent and listen to him a lot more...”

                                                       



My grandad predicted the sinking of the Titanic. He told folk it was doomed afore it actually sailed! Did anyone take any notice? No! They all totally ignored him. In the end, he was thrown out of the cinema!



I sez to the missus:"Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage" "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...." That’s when the fight started!



Barmy Albert reckons he’s a strong man, yesterday he was bragging to Non-Stick Nora that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Nora,

telling her that she possessed the strength of a ninepenny rabbit! After several minutes, she had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" she said. "I will bet you your months pension money that I can haul summat in a wheelbarrow over to that shed that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on!” Albert replied, "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Nora reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to Albert, she shouted: "All right. Get in!"



WEATHER WARNING! Southerners: Snow, ice and blizzards are expected at weekend, so you are advised not to travel. Northerners: You'll need your big coat....

                             



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

 

 



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!
                                                        



Wednesday, 12 January 2022

I have a Delorean, but I only drive it from time to time....

                                   

Worrying days ahead as Boris Johnson waits to find out if inquiry ordered by Boris Johnson finds that Boris Johnson attended a party at Boris Johnson’s house. A Sue Gray suitcase full of wine will be awarded to the winner!

   

                               




I was just informed that 1970 and 2021 are just as far apart as 1970 and 1919. I had to sit down and digest this information for a few minutes. It’s a bit like that U-Bend at the back of the toilet. I just can’t get me head round it!



Non-Stick Nora went to a job interview up Scropton Street abattoir: The manager asked her: "What are your strengths?" Nora replied: "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." The manager went on and sez: "Can you give me an example?" Nora told him: "Yes, when do I start?"



Fascinating Fact: Nelson was 5’4” tall. His statue in London is 16 feet tall. That’s Horatio of 3:1



The missus has left me because of my obsession with supermarkets. It didn't help when I asked if she needed any help with her packing. The argument started when I informed her that sex is much better when on holiday. In retrospect, it wasn’t the best thing to write on a postcard.


                               




My good deed is already done for the New Year! Yesterday, at the supermarket checkout, I was behind an older lady in the queue. Her total came to £45.62, but when she tried to pay, her card was out of date and therefore declined. I've had a decent 2021 financially and also thought about my mum and hoped that someone would have helped her out in a similar scenario. The lady didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves. Let's try and help each other out more in 2022.



                                        



99 year old Tommy Grabknuckle lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the banister with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.    His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon. ”Sod off'” she sez, “They’re for the funeral!”



So I sez to the vicar: “This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?” He replied: “It’s Norman.” I sez: “Sorry, Norman. This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?” 

                      




Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com