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Saturday 29 January 2022

The pandemic kerfuffle.....



In his defence, Boris was totally unaware that it was his birthday. (An excerpt from 50 Shades of Sue Gray). Bring your own boos! It wasn’t any old birthday cake. It was M & S birthday cake!


The Met Police have redacted huge tranches of Sue Grays report, because it could have a potential conflict of interest with any forthcoming police action. If Cressida Dick carries on like this, she’s going to get herself a bad name....

Over the past two years, what with all the pandemical kerfuffle, which has included lockdown, masks, social distancing, vaccines and Covid testing etc, has changed many folks way of being and we have all evolved into entirely different entities. Myself, being incarcerated at home with just booze and the missus for company, I’ve become a deaf alcoholic...

Of course, the older you get, the more you learn. For many years, I always thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.


Non-Stick Nora’s potted cactus has died. Barmy Albert reckons that she is literally less nurturing than the Sahara desert. Nora has a collection of potted plants on her kitchenette

Window sill. Albert has christened it ‘Death Row’....

Last week, our next-door neighbours had a joint Chinese New Year and Burns party. They called it Chinese Burns night. I didn’t really want to attend, but the missus twisted my arm...

I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear: "Can you introduce me to Dave?"


Top Tip: If all the toilets in your home are occupied and you’re desperate for a wee, simply turn off the Wi-Fi router and voila!

Thanks to the gales and storms last weekend, my wheelie bin has to go on a speed awareness course next week! Who’d a thowt it!

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse.

I called in to see my mate Sid in his new house the other day. He told me to make myself at home. So I chucked him out, because I’m not keen on visitors. Sid has been going through a bad patch lately. He had his ID stolen. I just call him ‘S’ now....

The woke movement have now declared that the word ‘Star’ should now be deemed offensive, as it belittles non achievers.


A seven year old girl accompanied her father to the office on “Take Your Kid to Work Day” and as they were sauntering around the building, the kid started crying and became most upset. Her dad asked her what was wrong and as the staff gathered around she blubbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?” 


I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website or email me:  Now, get back to work! 



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