The UK government have inexplicably found £10 billion quid to help with folk’s energy bills, a mere 24 hours after publication of the Sue Gray report. The greased piglet strikes again!
The missus came home from work and I was swinging from the chandeliers, eating a banana! She asked me if we’d won the Euro millions. I sez: “No. I’ve got Monkeypox!” She always thought I had a chimp on my shoulder!
When I first started out in showbiz, I worked in the clubs with a brilliant ventriloquist who was the father of famous actor Richard Gere. His name was Gotler Gere.
The price of petrol has risen so much! I have ended up running the lawnmower on Vodka. Unfortunately, the grass is now half-cut! Indeed petrol is so expensive now, I saw Dolly Parton on a car share with Jolene yesterday! Who’d a thowt it?
I was having a candlelit dinner with the wife last night. She asked me if I was getting all romantic. I sez: “No. The electricity bill arrived this afternoon.”
Barmy Albert was just waking up from anaesthetic after his hip operation surgery. Non-Stick Nora was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he told her: "You’re beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
Nora had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he sez: "You’re cute." Nora was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" Albert replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle went to see his doctor. "Doc, I think I’m going doo-lally. Several times lately, I have forgotten to pull my zip up." "That’s not going doo-lally," replied the doctor. "Going doo-lally is when you forget to pull the zip down."
Tommy Slopbucket opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, McFinney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Tommy. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied McFinney. "Where are ya callin’ from?"
Meanwhile, down The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife Pub, three old friends, Art, Bart and Fargo were asked by Ethel the barkeep: "When you’re in your coffin and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie sez: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Bart commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of the local community, who made a huge difference in people’s lives." Fargo replied: "I’d like them to say, "Look, he’s moving!"
Top Tip: Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
I asked a German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no.
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