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Monday, 16 May 2022

Hat & coat time already!

                                                      

                                         




I said to the missus yesterday morning, “I was just reading in a scientific paper how blades of grass can actually feel pain. Truly amazing isn’t it?” She replied, “Nice try, Fishface. Now go and get the lawnmower out of the garage.” One thing is for sure. If I drag the barbecue out of the garage, it’ll start raining.



During a gig in Blackpool at weekend, I asked a couple in the audience if they were married. He nodded and then she declared, “I’m his second wife.” Quick as a flash, I retorted, “Well, you wouldn’t be my first choice!” Oh, folly of follies. Hat and coat time already!



I was in our local Tesco, with my significant other and picked up a case of Stella Artois and plonked it in the trolley. “What do you think you’re up to?” screamed the missus. “They’re on special offer, only fifteen quid for two dozen bottles” I replied. “Put them back, we can’t afford them,” she sniffed, and we carried on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the wife picked up a £30 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley. “What do you think you’re doing?” I politely enquired. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful” replied the missus. I gazed at her with a saturnine grimace and retorted: “So does twenty four bottles of Stella and they are half the price!”


                                  


Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had been friends with nonagenarian Cecilia Slopbucket for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards in their nursing home. One day they were playing cards when Cecilia looked at Elsie and proclaimed: "Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Elsie glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. Whereas, the average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom cabinet would total 337. A man would not be able to identify any more than twenty of these. Fascinating!

                                               



A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, long before we met, I was a hooker!" He says "That’s alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite disconcerting, could you please elaborate?" She replies, "Well, my name was Sidney, and I played for Wigan!"



A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Manchester. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, an old bloke in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”



Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were lying in bed one night. Albert was nodding off, but Nora was in a romantic mood and wanted to natter. She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”Wearily, Albert reached across, held her hand for a second, and then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she opined: “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked. “Gonna go get my teeth!”


                                                       


Sunday, 8 May 2022

The Boris Becker incarceration situation...

                                  





I sincerely reckon that traffic wardens are nice folks. I received a lovely comment from one today about my driving. I got back to the car and they'd written me a note saying 'Parking Fine". These days, a little bit of observing etiquette, civility and servitude goes a long way.



When Boris Becker was sentenced to two and a half years in the nick for tax fraud, he asked the judge, “Exactly how many months is that?” The judge replied: “That's thirty, love...”



Fascinating Fact: Fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing.

                                      



Exactly 40 years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman in the whole wide world to marry me. All three of them said: “No!”



Late one evening, the priest asked Superman to investigate a strange noise beneath the church. Superman told him in no uncertain terms: “There’s no way I’m going near that crypt tonight!”

                                      



A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive! She lives for twenty more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband shouts: "Watch that wall!"

It's was so cold last week, I opened the wardrobe door and my jacket had my overcoat on.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made...” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question... The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mummy how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they descended from primates?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

My granddad’s going a bit deaf these days. We were talking about restaurants, and I asked him if he liked the ambience to be noisy, or quiet. He said, "I don't care, as long as it gets me to the hospital."

                                  



The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A628 Woodhead Pass recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was not Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." You couldn’t make it up! Could you?



This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
                                         



Sunday, 1 May 2022

HRT or BGT? The hormone guide...

                                            




The missus phoned me and sez, "Where are you?" I replied, "You know that jewellers on the High St, where you saw that diamond bracelet that you fell madly in love with?" She said "Oh yes, I do!!" I sez, "Well, I'm in the Wetherspoons, next to that jewellers"



I’m confused. How come 33 is thirty three, 22 is twenty two, but 11 is not oney one?



If you think I'm obsessed with Supertramp, you should take a look at my girlfriend.



I have discovered that both women and cats will do exactly as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
                       




I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert up Scropton Sreet. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened. He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Wow! Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."



I wish that pets lived a lot longer and that the cost of living wasn’t so expensive and cake didn’t make you fat and the bloke next door didn’t play his music so loud. I banged on the wall the other night and shouted “Show a little respect!” He then started playing Aretha Franklin. I don’t ask for much. Isn’t like grand when you’re pots for rags!



The most absurd situation is that computers have started asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot! Who’d a thowt it!



My grandad always said to me “Open as many doors as you can, son” It was quite ironic how he died. He was sucked out of an aeroplane! We used to call me granddad ‘Spiderman.’ Not coz he was very agile, he just couldn’t get out of the bath. He was a proper British craftsman. He used to stain floors. He didn’t mean to.....

                          



Barmy Albert is in big trouble again. After attending a party last week, he was so drunk that when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off all his clothes and tiptoed up very quietly. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs he realized that he was on the bus!

It must be a really upsetting scenario if you had the gross misfortune to have worked at your local Job Centre and was made redundant and then you had to go back in the following day, looking for a job.

                                 



Let’s spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair. Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said “that will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary”. Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied “That’s a very competitive price” and handed over his money. “Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?” enquired the barman.

Disclaimer: The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk.com. Now, behave yerself and get back to work! The summer is a co