As you are aware, we must all do our bit for saving the planet and combat global warming, so yesterday, I unplugged a row of electric cars, that no one was using.
Last week, the Partygate Privileges Committee investigation into Boris Johnson had to be relocated to a larger venue, in order to accommodate Boris’s nose. You can always tell he’s lying when his lips move. Indeed, he tells so many lies, he has to get his next-door neighbour to shout his dog in!
Had an awful night. I was tossing and turning and then I had a vivid dream that something bit me on the neck. When I got up to check, I discovered that the mirror isn't working.
I decided to visit my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and have Sunday lunch at the weekend. However, I’m sure the Chicken was undercooked, because I’ve been spitting feathers ever since!
Fascinating fact: Samuel L Jackson had just passed his driving test. From now on he'll be known as Samuel Jackson.
Celibacy can be a life choice, or a condition imposed by circumstance. While attending a Marriage Guidance Weekend, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He then addressed the men, ’Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' Albert leaned over, touched Nora’s arm gently, and whispered, "Homepride, isn't it?" And thus began Albert’s life of celibacy.
Whilst on the subject of unrequited love, here is an interesting story: Elsie Grabknuckle came home early and found her husband Tommy in their bedroom passionately making lurve with a very attractive young woman, as you can imagine, Elsie was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful cretin!' she sez. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' Tommy replied, 'Hang on just a minute, Elsie, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!'
Then Tommy began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the steak and kidney pudding that I made for you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it all in moments. Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her those designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. Then I found the blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique in Manchester and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just the same.' Tommy took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please.... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't want?”