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Wednesday 10 May 2023

Parting is such sweet sorrow....


By the time you read this, I’ll be cruising around the Norwegian Fjords on the magnificent vessel that is Anthem of the Seas. She is the second ship in Royal Caribbean's Quantum-class, and was the newest ship in the fleet. Royal Caribbean takes great pride in designing their ships with what they call a "wow" factor... and this ship was certainly full of unusual and innovative features that you won't find on most other cruise ships. The most iconic feature of Anthem of the Seas (and her sister ship, Quantum Of The Seas) is the aerial viewing pod known as "NorthStar"...

Whenever someone sez to you "I’m not book clever, but I’m street smart", all I hear is "I’m not real clever, but I’m imaginary smart". Indeed, the books they already possess have all been coloured in with crayons.


It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises. I’ve put on loads of weight lately. My doctor reckons that I have an overactive knife and fork. Mind you, I’ve had a lot on my plate lately. However, I still light up the room, as soon as I move away from the window.

On the same subject, I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to get lost! Anybody who fits into my clothes, certainly ain’t starving!



In an attempt to broaden my knowledge, I’ve joined a wine club. We meet at 9 am in the local park each morning.

The easy way to teach children the value of money is to borrow from them.

The missus sez: "If you follow me upstairs, I'm gonna put on a little black lace number..."  I went into the bedroom and she was playing 'Agaddoo.' on her ipod!  

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stepped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink. "Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick. "How about a daiquiri?" The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar. He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa! That's great. What's your secret?" "A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops. One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favourite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand. The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another... "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."


Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: “Have you ever heard of Murphy’s Law?” Nora sez: “No. What is it?” Albert replies: “If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.” Nora asked: “Have you ever heard of Cole’s Law?” “No. What is it?” Nora answers: “Thinly sliced raw cabbage with a mayonnaise dressing.”

I see folk mountain climbing and zip lining and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my undercrackers without falling over!

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also. The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terry?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'I call them by their surnames!'


I am away on abroad gigs now until the end of July, when hopefully this column will return. Have a wonderful summer and get the BBQ cranked up because it’ll be crackin’ the flags!

Saturday 6 May 2023

Would acupuncture cure pins and needles?


I feel sorry for the Manchester City supporters with this rail strike on the day of the cup final, it's okay for the United fans, they are living only around the corner from Wembley.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of the missus, then asked "is this your wife sir?"  Shocked, I answered:  “Yes.”  They informed me: “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus". I sez:  "I know, but she has a jovial personality and she’s good with the dogs.”

Dastardly Derek and Barmy Albert were out hunting up Tintwistle  Woods. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching summat.  Derek sez to Albert:  "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can locate you."    After about 3 hours, Albert found that he was really lost. He decided to fire three shots into the air just like Dexy had told him. He then waited an hour and did it again. He repeated this until he was out of ammo.  The next morning, Derek found him with the help of the forest ranger.  He asked Albert if he had followed the instructions.   Albert answered, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

I’ve always been attracted to older women, primarily because they’ve become used to lifes disappointments.  Which means they are ready for me…

Yesterday, a geezer hit me with his rhythm stick. Now I’m looking for a personal Ian Dury lawyer.

Would acupuncture cure pins and needles?

I’ve become addicted to performing magic tricks. I need to tell the missus, but I’m afraid to pick up a Penn and Teller!


Last night, I ordered a glass of wine with my dinner and the waiter asked me to show him some I.D.  I asked him if I looked really young and he replied: “No. I’m just checking if you qualify for the O.A.P discount.”

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora went to the local fair every year. Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I’d like to ride in that helicopter” Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!” One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert opined, “Nora, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid” The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.” “Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn’t. I’m so impressed!” Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said summat when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”


I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: or better still email me: Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!