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Saturday 31 October 2015

O, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive!


O, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive! This week, we look at infidelity and the ramifications of such actions. This bloke gets home early, only to find his best mate in bed with his missus! Anger takes over, he gets his gun and shot him! His wife looked at him with much disdain and declared, “If you carry on behaving like this, you’re gonna have no friends left!”

Consider this: A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She answers the call; the man looks over at her and listens intently. She is speaking in an ecstatic manner, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really! That's wonderful. I'm dead chuffed for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye." She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" The woman sez, “That was my husband, telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."


A Wise Investment? A London lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Albert, I have some good news and, I have some bad news. The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your missus today, and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right." Albert replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary..."


The missus phoned me and screamed: “I’ve found out that you’ve been seeing another woman, you cheating swine! Well, I’m not putting up with it. We’re finished! I’m packing my bags and I’m going to my sisters....” “Fair enough.” I replied. “I’ll see you when you get here....”


Thought for Thursday: It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.


My best mate, Dave passed away last week so I went to see his wife yesterday. I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore." She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden." I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."


I'll never understand women. They are truly a mass of contradictions. First they say, ”'Size doesn't matter”. Then they're asking “Does my bum look big in this?”


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email

Saturday 24 October 2015

Hallowe'en Innit!

Hallowe'en must be the only day each year when you won't open the door if they DON’T look scary! A young lad knocked on my front door and sez, "Trick or Treat?" I asked, "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in jeans and a T-Shirt." He replied, "Well, it's not a full moon yet is it?" I just left him lying there. We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school. Moreover, I hear on the grapevine that Jehovas' Witnesses don't like Hallowe'en at all. They can't stand people knocking on their door and mithering them.


Moreover, I always greet every stranger I bump into with ‘Many Happy Returns!’ I do receive copious amounts of blank expressions, however, it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ 'ell did you know?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of month’s time, everyone will be saying it. Yes, folks it’s nearly upon us. There’s only two more Leeds United managers to go before Christmas!

Of course, before the festive season, we have to contend with Bonfire night and the dreaded Hallowe’en. Non-Stick Nora loves Halloween. The cobwebs in her house look like expensive decorations. Is Hallowe’en just for kids? How old must you be to participate in this annual gorefest!


Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get breathless from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew a caramel for you.
8. You ask for high fibre treats only.
7. When someone drops a chocolate bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
6. Folk say, "Brilliant Jeremy Corbyn mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you shout: "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only wicked witch in the neighbourhood on a
zimmer frame.
1. You avoid going to houses where any of your ex-wives live.


The missus sez that I'm very immature and that we need to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. As if that’s gonna happen in the middle of the conker season!

Be warned! I hereby advise you not to mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words. Moreover, I’m a black-belt in Origami, so i am.

Every Hallowe’en, a funeral director that I know, always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there ever really was a zombie apocalypse, then it will be absolutely hilarious! Visit my website and continue the quest! Email


Monday 19 October 2015

On Reflection......

I’ve spent all last week on the magnificent vessel that is Celebrity Reflection, doing my one-man show in the Reflection Theatre to a mainly American and Canadian audience. We visited Naples, Rome, Santorini, Rhodes and Athens. Next year, I’ll be involved in the inaugural sailing of a brand new ship! Watch this space for further and better particulars.


An invitation to the 70th birthday party of iconic Irish comic Jimmy Cricket took me to the Frog & Bucket comedy club in Manchester last night and a star-studded gathering it was too! I was the only person there that I didn’t know! Happy Birthday J.C!


My little puppy dog Alfie has been extremely naughty! He ate all the Scrabble tiles that were inadvertently left out on the floor from the night before. His next poo could spell disaster! I took him to the vet and the vet picked him up and looked into his eyes and then turned him around and gazed into his nether regions and then declared, “I’m gonna have to put him down!” I replied, “Why?” The vet sez, “He’s really heavy!”


Fascinating fact: The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven sez a lot about the anticipated traffic load.

The driving instructor asked the learner to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" The guy replied, "Because we're still in Liverpool."

Statistics prove that one in every three wimmin are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two.

Just read a recent scientific study. It reckons the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes. Now I don't class myself as being cleverer than these experts, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living in Glossop...

David Beckham was working abroad, so he goes to Interflora to get a bouquet of flowers for Victoria. "Do you want them scented?" asks the assistant. "Yes please," says David. "It's too far to take them myself."

RIP to my old buddy Howard Kendall. He was widely regarded as the greatest Everton manager of all time after leading the Toffees to two league titles in the 1980’s. I worked with him a few times and he was an excellent top-table companion on the sporting dinner circuit. Life will be infinitely poorer for his passing.


Still on the dinner circuit, I met two sporting legends last week. None other than, Stan Bowles and John Hartson. We all appeared at a fund raising dinner for Broadway Celtic FC. It was indeed a cracking night. The audience cheered and carried me aloft on their shoulders! I shouted, “I can walk to the car!” They replied, “You’re going in the river!”

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: Email me: Now, get back to work.


Thursday 8 October 2015

5p For A Carrier Bag! You Must Be Kidding!

At the checkout at Tesco, the young cashier sez that it’s now 5p for a carrier bag. 5p for a placky bag? Gee Whiz! I must have enough for two weeks all-inclusive holiday in the Bahamas in the pantry!
 You can get a shopping trolley for a quid!

Apparently, bags are not good for the environment. Non-Stick Nora apologised to the checkout girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my younger days."

The checkout girl responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

Nora said that she was right! Our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day, and then went on to explain: Back then, we returned milk bottles, mineral bottles and beer bottles to the corner shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household rubbish bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our doodling. Then we were able to personalise our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then. We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 4 x 4 petrol guzzling machine every time we had to go two streets. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we had one telly or radio, in the house -- not a plasma screen in every room. In the kitchenette, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol or electricity just to mow the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human endeavour. We exercised by working, so we didn't need to go to a gym to run on treadmills that operate on lectrifying electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then. Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their parents into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's £45,000 4 x 4 Land Rover, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing." End of rant!

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email NB: All these jokes are recycled!


Sunday 4 October 2015

Liverpool FC Sacks Manager....

BREAKING NEWS: Liverpool FC have sacked manager Brendan Rodgers with immediate effect. The main contender to take his place Jurgen Klopp confirms that he does not want the job. However, he did say that his brother Klipperty may be interested in the position....

The missus had been watching that Fifty Shades of Grey movie and became quite inflamed. When women become exasperated, then us lads must ‘up our game’. She sez, "Talk dirty to me...." I whispered, "Diesel Volkswagen.” If you wanna leave her breathless in bed, then hide her inhalator....

A bloke went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your opportunity in court." advised the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking up the missus . I've been trying to do that for years!"

Quote for Thursday: "Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith." Leslie Nielsen.

A Yorkshireman and a Scouser go into Greggs. The Scouser nicks three pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshireman, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me." The Yorkshireman says, "That's nowt mate, watch this." So the Yorkshire bloke goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us three pie, and I'll show thee some magic,"   whereupon he scoffs them, bold as brass, in front of the manager. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" The Yorkshire lad sez, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."

Barmy Albert was in a job interview yesterday, when the manager handed him his laptop and sez, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So Albert put it under his arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually the boss phoned Albert’s mobile and demanded: "Bring that laptop back here right now!" Barmy Albert replied: "£250 and it's yours, mate."

Eric Figgis, an avid golfer, contacts a clairvoyant and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a tall order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in due course (Geddit!). After several days go by, Eric finally gets a call from the spiritualist "Well," said Eric, "what did you manage to find out?" "I've got good news and bad news for you," said the medium. "Okay," "what's the good news" Eric enquired. "Well," there is a beautiful thirty-six hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24/7 access with your own personal caddy!" exclaimed the soothsayer. "And the bad news?" asked Eric. "You're due to tee-off this Sunday, at around 10:30 in the morning."

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: or better still, gizzus a tweet on You can email me too!