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Tuesday 26 January 2010
"Mum? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, dear?"
"Pussy and Bitch."
Mum inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
He then found his Dad out in the garage.
"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mum, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."
Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle.".
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband
comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start
swishing it in your mouth and don't stop".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk I swished repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never
Doctor: "well, you see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Monday 25 January 2010
A worldwide telephone survey conducted by the U.N. last month was a complete flop. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant, and Middle East nations didn't know what "solution" meant. South Americans didn't know what "please" meant and
in the United States they didn't know what was meant by "the rest of the world."
and finally......................in London and Australia , they hung up because they couldn't understand the bloody Indian from the call centre in Islamabad on the other end of the phone. Incredibubble!
Non-Stick Nora’s dishwasher quit working so she called a plumber. As she had to go to work the next day, she told the plumber, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the invoice on the worktop and I'll send you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I repeat; do not talk to my parrot!” When he got there he saw the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, as she said, he just lay on the carpet and watched him work. He didn't bother him at all. The parrot however, drove him crackers the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the plumber couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up you ugly looking bird!"
To which the parrot replied, " Go get him, Spike!"
Joey and his classmates had just finished an educational tour of the local fire station.
Before the kids could leave, the chief fire officer quizzed them. The fire officer asked little Joey, "What would you do if your clothes catch on fire?" Joey replied promptly, "I wouldn’t put them on."
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica,where do they go ? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!
I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org Now, get back to work!
Wednesday 20 January 2010
By Richard Lederer
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people
seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
Anyone who can read
all the instrument notes at the same time gets to
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass
fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well
known composer few people have ever heard of.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two
or more cellos.
Another name for kettle
drums is timpani. But I think I will just
stick with the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound•
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.
So would anybody.
Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both
found out and got in trouble.
Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer:
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the
first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is
elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a
For some reason, they
always put a treble clef in front of every line
of flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or
Friday be best?
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a
pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
The Nuclear Physics Department of the University of Stellenbosch has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied: "Wrong room."
Tuesday 19 January 2010
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Spokes persons in the North East of England and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are No Virgins in their areas anyway".
Monday 18 January 2010
WARNING!! If you receive an email attachment which sez 'Naked Photo Of Susan Boyle' DO NOT OPEN IT!! It contains a naked photo of Susan Boyle.
The missus is a stunner (she works down the abattoir) and I was absolutely flabbergasted when I was curtly informed this week that she wants to end our relationship. Why? Because she reckons that I love football more than I love her. It's really upset me. I've been with her for eleven seasons.
Man City manager Roberto Mancini has promised to bring in a new face during the January transfer window. My mole at Eastlands informs me that both Tevez and Lescott are fighting over who should have it!
Breaking News: Manchester United are trying to raise millions from new investors in a bid to swell dwindling coffers at the club. Police also wish to interview three men wearing grotesque face masks, who talk with an American accent and were last seen hanging around Old Trafford about five years ago.
I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day. Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!" "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I sez. "But you don't have
to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my
house, mow the lawn, was the car, sweep my drive and I'll pay you £25.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs
out. You can give him the £25 to use toward food." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the £25?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Two women travellers, obviously nervous about their flight, bought some
flight insurance at the terminal. However, they couldn't decide who to name
as beneficiaries. They ended up each naming the other and happily boarded the plane.
"Doctor, I have a pretty bad sore throat."
"Go in the next room and disrobe, please." replied the doctor.
"But doctor, it's just my throat!"
"Who's the doctor here? Please just go into the next room and disrobe."
So the man goes into the next room where he sees another man sitting down inhis shorts with a box on his lap. As the first man is getting undressed he
starts up a conversation, "Can you imagine that doctor? I've got a sore
throat and he tells me to undress!" The second man answers, "What are you complaining about? I only came in here to deliver a parcel."
I have a wonderful message to give you about growing old, but I’ve forgotten what it was.
Humour is like a rubber sword, it allows you to make a point, without drawing blood. Nurse, fetch the screens! Clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me at: email@example.com Now, get back to work!
Monday 4 January 2010
This year, I resolve to...
- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff, like Hollyoaks?!?!.
- Procrastinate more. I'll Start tomorrow.
- Spend more time surfing on left-handed websites.
- Take a holiday to someplace important: like to see the largest barrel of beer in the world.
- Not jump off Beachy Head. just because someone else did.
- Stop having lunch at home: I should eat out more.
- Not have eight children ALL at once.
- Get into a whole NEW rut!
- Start being superstitious.
- Personal goal: bring back 70's disco.
- Not bet against the Manchester City.
- Buy a Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 x 3 and invest in a really loud stereo system.
- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash (Oh!! and one of those fluffy dice).
- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or clothes line for a belt.
- Spend my Easter holiday in Cyberspace.
- Not eat cloned meat.
- Create loose ends.
- Get more boys toys.
- Get further in debt (on the scale of Zimbabwe).
- Not believe politicians.
- Not drive a steam roller across thin ice.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 10,000 feet.
- Stay off the International Space Station.
- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
- Associate with even more scurrillous theatrical agents.
- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus on the faults of others.
- Mope about my faults.
- Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Saturday 2 January 2010
Begin the New Year on the right foot, and start 2010 correctly! Don’t forget to say those all-important, three little words to the missus. "I'm off out." See you in the fracture clinic at Tameside General.
Apparently, the most popular new years resolution, is to stop smoking. If you are unable to stop puffing on the obnoxious weed completely, then just cut down. Just smoke after meals. Try and get down to about sixty meals per day.
Don’t bore the missus by making up the same stoopid excuse for having to go down the pub. Think of some different excuses.
Stop worrying about life and don’t worry about the past. It will get you nowhere. It’s a one-way ticket to Polukaville. I’ve decided to start worrying about the future instead.
Global Warming. Do YOUR bit! Do less laundry and use more deodorant. Think of the ozone layer. Carbon footsteps can exacerbate an innocent polar bears premature demise. He could very well slip on the ice. Hey there, Mr. Polar Bear, listen up! Gerrit Gritted!
On the same subject, a primary school pupil was asked by the teacher to name six animals that specifically live in the Antarctic. He replied, “Two polar bears and four seals.” Incredible innit!
My next-door neighbour Barmy Albert sez to his wife (Non-Stick Nora – she has a face like a pirates flag!) “What would you do if I won the New Year Euro Millions Lottery?” She frostily opined, “I’d take half of it and leave you.” “Brilliant” he sez, “I won twelve quid, here’s six, now sod off!” Parting is such sweet sorrow innit!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, Groceries are heavier, and, everything is much further away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was flabbergasted to discover how long our street had become!
Last year, I was at the airport, checking in at the checking-in thingy, when the girl behind the desk sez, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, then how would I know?' She smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' What’s all that about then?
The pelican crossing on our High Street bleeps when it's on red and therefore safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged, blonde friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the bleeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
“I need help with my hearing” the man says. The priest sticks his fingers in the man's ear and prays. “How's your hearing now?” he asks.” "I don't know” says the man “It's not till next Tuesday...”
I didn’t fail in 2009 – I merely found ten thousand jokes that weren’t funny! Make a difference in 2010 by reading this column regularly and furthering your comical position within the funny farm of life’s rich chortling tapestry. Fancy a New Year surf on the interweb? Then visit www.ComedianUK.com or a give me a ‘2010 Tweet’ on www.twitter.com/comedianuk