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Sunday, 27 February 2022

Hypocondriacs Anonymous....

 

                                             




I was in a quandary on Tuesday. I was unsure whether to celebrate 22.02.22 at 22.02 or not, I couldn’t decide. In the end, I didn’t bother and went to Wetherspoons to celebrate £2-22 a pint instead.



Russia has been banned from this year's Eurovision Song Contest Now that'll show Putin who's boss!



Breaking News: A man was fatally injured in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him. Furthermore, Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell off the top floor of a night club was not a bouncer.



Apparently BMW's top salesman has suddenly resigned after 40 years of loyal service. His boss said "he gave no indication he was going". Moreover, I hear that a BMV is a blonde’s favourite car, primarily because they can spell it.

                                                          



Young Willie Eckerslyke was doing his homework on World War 2 and he was struggling, so asks his dad “I need some artefacts from the war, do you know how I can get hold of some?". His father tells him to go and see his granddad, as he was in the army. The lad visits his granddad, explaining the homework task. "So, have you got anything from your army day’s granddad?" Asks the boy. “Yes, I've kept my old army revolver”, “Wow! Anything else granddad?" Asks the young boy, " Here are my military medals." the old man proudly shows them his grandson. "Jeepers! Anything else?" "Yes, I've got my old uniform as well."   "Fantastic! Where do you keep that?" His grand pappy replied: “It’s upstairs, in the airing cupboard on top of the tank" "Wow! You've got a tank up there as well!”



The major problem with joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that there’s nowt wrong with you...

                                                    




Had a massive argument with the missus because she objects to me doing my flamingo impressions. Because of this unfortunate farrago, I’ve had to put my foot down…

                                           



As a struggling actor, I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition. "The part is made for you," she enthused. "They want someone your age, height and build, with an accent like yours, plus it's being filmed about ten minutes from your house." "It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?" "It's a BBC Crimewatch reconstruction." "Erm,no... I'm busy that day..."



Went to see a faith healer last night. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out…


                                        


She was incandescent with rage! "I can't believe that you've been visiting call girls for sex," screamed Non-Stick Nora. "I'm really disappointed." "You can hardly blame me," answered Barmy Albert "It's not like I was getting any from you.” "Well that's your fault," she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.....”

                                       



                          



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

Monday, 21 February 2022

The Grand Old Duke of York.....

                              




I was lying in bed, deep in thought while perusing the moon and stars shining brightly and I got to thinking “Where’s my roof?”



All I am seeing on social media at the moment are profiteering roofers and fencers taking advantage of everyone’s misery. I’d just like to say I think this is disgusting behaviour but once these despicable people have finished tramping through your house with their muddy boots, I can clean your carpets from £100 per room.

                                   




There was abject horror in Liverpool last week when Storm Dudley blew a bloke out of the Benefits Office straight into the Job Centre. Luckily, Winter Storm Eunice blew him back again! As Brucie would have said: “Nice to see you, to see Eunice!”



With all these storms and tempestuous gales I was worried about the trampoline in our garden. We didn't have one beforehand.



The Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z. How do those folks sleep at night?

                                          



Oh the grand old Duke Of York. He had 12 million quid. He gave it to someone he'd never met. For something he never did. Who’d a thowt it!

                                



Boris Johnson visited a remote village in Somerset and told the locals that he wante to improve their lifestyle and if they needed any help, then the government would do all that they could to assist. “We have two big needs” said a village spokesperson, “Firstly, we have a medical centre, but no doctor.” Boris whipped out his mobile phone and spoke for a while and then sez: “I’ve sorted it all out. A doctor will arrive here first thing in the morning. Now, what is your other problem?” The spokesperson replied: “We have no mobile phone signal whatsoever in our village....”



Now that Covid restrictions have been lifted, I’ve joined a wine club. We meet at 9am in Manor Park every morning.
                                       




"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said.
She gave me a cheeky little smile, then reached into her handbag and pulled out a crumpled twenty quid note, all screwed up into a little ball. "Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?" she asked. "Nope," I exclaimed. She gave me another little smile, reached into her handbag once again, and produced a crumpled fifty pound note. "Righty-ho!" she said, "have you ever seen twenty thousand quid all crumpled up?" "Definitely not" I lamented, in an intrigued fashion. "Well, go and have a quick shufty in the garage." Well, at least I know one thing for sure now. The airbag works!

                                                  



This bloke phones his wife and the conversation went thus: “Hello love, it’s me. I’ve had a bad accident at work and trapped my leg. Sharon took me to the hospital but the surgeon says it might have to be amputated.” Wife: “Who’s Sharon?”

The missus called the doctor's surgery for an appointment. "I'm sorry," said the receptionist," we can't fit you in for at least four weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem," she replied. "If you let us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

 

                                       




Don't let Omincrom kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

Monday, 14 February 2022

Valentines Day Moppers!

                                                    



I hear that West Ham boss David Moyes has dismissed rumours that Kurt Zouma will be shown the door this week.  Moyes told the BBC:  "We have shown him the goal for many months now and he hasn't managed to hit it, so it’d be a complete waste of time showing him the door. However, we are going to discipline him, but don’t ask meow....”

                                              



Upon attempting a very complex Heston Blumenthal recipe, I asked the butcher, "Have you got any wild ducks?" "No" he replied, "but I've got one that gets really annoyed when I prod it with a wooden skewer."

                                             



Do you remember the very first time that you ever went to the pub for a drink with your dad? "What are you having, son?" he asked me. "Diet coke please," I replied. He grimaced in a saturnine manner. "You're not having a girls drink when you're out with me, son." I smiled, "Sorry dad. I'll have whatever you’re having then." "That's more like it!" he said, slapping me on the back, before turning to the barman, and ordering, "Two normal cokes please."

 

Whilst perennially residing in the doghouse, I sez to the missus, "I'm sorry for treating you in an inadvertent fashion recently. Can I make it up to you on Valentines Day?" She looked at me and replied, "Well you can take me to the cinema." I sez, "Consider it done. I'll even pick you up afterwards." That’s when the fight started!

                                   



 

If Charles Dickens were alive today, he would no doubt undergo countless tests and examinations from scientists and doctors trying to understand how he's made it to be 210 years old. Fascinating!

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette napper. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?”Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”  The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then opined: “Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?”
                                                       


                                         

It was absolutely freezing yesterday. So, after putting on two pairs of socks, three jumpers, four pairs of trousers, five woolly hats, six scarves, two thick coats and a pair of boots, I finally waddled outside. Two minutes later, I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move. "You're coming with me" said the Matalan store detective.


I sez to Barmy Albert "I challenge you to count 86400 seconds." He  replied "Don’t be daft,  that'll take me all day!"
 

 

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com