I was in a quandary on Tuesday. I was unsure whether to celebrate 22.02.22 at 22.02 or not, I couldn’t decide. In the end, I didn’t bother and went to Wetherspoons to celebrate £2-22 a pint instead.
Russia has been banned from this year's Eurovision Song Contest Now that'll show Putin who's boss!
Breaking News: A man was fatally injured in an accident with a cement lorry. There's already a statue of him. Furthermore, Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell off the top floor of a night club was not a bouncer.
Apparently BMW's top salesman has suddenly resigned after 40 years of loyal service. His boss said "he gave no indication he was going". Moreover, I hear that a BMV is a blonde’s favourite car, primarily because they can spell it.
Young Willie Eckerslyke was doing his homework on World War 2 and he was struggling, so asks his dad “I need some artefacts from the war, do you know how I can get hold of some?". His father tells him to go and see his granddad, as he was in the army. The lad visits his granddad, explaining the homework task. "So, have you got anything from your army day’s granddad?" Asks the boy. “Yes, I've kept my old army revolver”, “Wow! Anything else granddad?" Asks the young boy, " Here are my military medals." the old man proudly shows them his grandson. "Jeepers! Anything else?" "Yes, I've got my old uniform as well." "Fantastic! Where do you keep that?" His grand pappy replied: “It’s upstairs, in the airing cupboard on top of the tank" "Wow! You've got a tank up there as well!”
The major problem with joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that there’s nowt wrong with you...
Had a massive argument with the missus because she objects to me doing my flamingo impressions. Because of this unfortunate farrago, I’ve had to put my foot down…
As a struggling actor, I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition. "The part is made for you," she enthused. "They want someone your age, height and build, with an accent like yours, plus it's being filmed about ten minutes from your house." "It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?" "It's a BBC Crimewatch reconstruction." "Erm,no... I'm busy that day..."
Went to see a faith healer last night. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out…
She was incandescent with rage! "I can't believe that you've been visiting call girls for sex," screamed Non-Stick Nora. "I'm really disappointed." "You can hardly blame me," answered Barmy Albert "It's not like I was getting any from you.” "Well that's your fault," she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.....”
Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!
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