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Thursday 29 January 2015

Over 50?


Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't is all true.
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run --anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 pm.
9. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with lift music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national BBC weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. You didn't notice #10 was missing
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Wednesday 28 January 2015

Truly, Madly, Deeply....


I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... : "Can you introduce me to Dave?"

How would you write "Please Do Not Touch" in braille? Hmmmmm...

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that the human fart can be louder than a glockenspiel? I only discovered this at my daughter's school concert, last week.

Burns Night Tonite! Always remember that the definition of a gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes, but dosen't.

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and sez: "Five beers, please."

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of English football?" "It's crap," she replied. "Total rubbish." "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."

Apparently, it's cheaper to buy the generic form of Viagra. It's called Mycoxafloppin.

Oldham FC chairman said today: "Of course he's NOT welcome here! An ongoing sex case, media glare, protests and awful publicity? No way, are we signing Prince Andrew!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.  The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai...


Tuesday 27 January 2015

60th High School Reunion: He was a widower and she a widow. Now read on...


They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening,
but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

Monday 26 January 2015

Alien Invasion!

The British Border Agency is asking UK citizens to be on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel.

If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police station ...

In The Beginning....

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's
a Valley?'

God explained it to him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the
other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained
that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Jeez.....'

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
into the valley,

Across the river, and
over the hill, into the
cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

"What's a headache?' 




"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",


"to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. 

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

 When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.



Thursday 22 January 2015

Triple Dose...


This bloke went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.

Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose.

Man: Why not?

Doctor: Because it's not safe.

Man: But I need it really bad.

Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?

Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday
and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.

The doctor finally relented.

Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I
can check you to see if there are any side effects.

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.

Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?

Man: No one showed up...

                                                         VIAGRA HEAD OFFICE:

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"£10 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £10, not £110. "

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma. "

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For £5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For £10, I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for £20, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still said nothing but, after a couple of minutes, started digging down in her purse. She pulleds out a wrinkled £20 note and held it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room ?" said the old man.

"Get serious," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair!!!"


Wednesday 21 January 2015


When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.
Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected .... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded,"The one with the money, of course."

Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,"Each one takes what he doesn't have."

Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade


Scottish Language....


A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please."

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.  The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

"I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow: "and that is why I am in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it."

"Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad died?"

The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?"

"He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin, and then we went to a topless beach in Glasgow for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandad is dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today"

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"


Tuesday 20 January 2015

Ornithological Behaviour....


The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Caw", not a single one could shout "Lorry"


The Police in the United Kingdom....


How do you tell the difference  between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

QUESTION:  You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it.  However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do?
English  Police  Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Has he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9)  Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? 

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my  job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
14) What would be the consequences if this case was referred to the European Court of Human Rights?

Canadian Police  Officer:

American Police  Officer:




Monday 19 January 2015



A man finds himself in hospital. Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonising pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a voluptous young nurse hovering over him.

He then realised he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly

say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"



Saturday 3 January 2015

Glasgow Nicknames...

Nicknames given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

"Two Soups" - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

"The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies:
'I'll get back to you on that.'

"The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.

"Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.

"Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

"Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

"The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

"Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

"Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

"The Yeti" - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

"The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

"The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

"The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!

Thursday 1 January 2015

Happy New Year 2015!

In 2015, remember those who matter most to you, those who won't anymore. The important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. If you're in a rut, get out of it and start a new rut. Happy New Year to All My Friends Innit!

My next gig is onboard 'Balmoral', a fine Fred Olsen vessel. I depart from Southampton on January 4th and visit Malaga and Malta and disembark in Egypt in mid January. Happy New Year 2015 Folks!