Parting is such sweet sorrow. I’m away for the next few weeks and this hilarious column will be continued upon my return. The missus has told me that she will require a new swimming costume. When I enquired as to what was wrong with the one that she already had, she curtly informed me that: “The knees are worn….”
Non-Stick Nora was attending a fancy dress party and Barmy Albert asked her: "What is that costume that you're wearing?” Nora replied, "A harp." He said, "You're too small to be a harp!” She said, "Are you calling me a lyre?" Nora was asked to fetch something non-alcoholic to the party. Albert wasn’t invited.
Tempestuous rain for the last few months has saturated everything. It’s so bad that I caught a prawn in a mousetrap last week and there’s a rainbow permanently over the mantlepiece! I’m finding it all quite disconcerting and have become disorientated because of this sodden scenario. I inadvertently mixed up the dog’s medication with mine. The dog has low cholesterol now and I don’t have worms or canker any more. I’ve also mistakenly taken the cat’s medicine. Don’t ask meow!
It’s very sad to hear that my old mate Eamonn Holmes is getting divorced. It will radically alter his personal status. He will become Ruthless, whereas, she will become Holmesless. He was recently featured in an advert on TV advising on folk how to release equity from their house. The writing was on the wall! You’d have thought he’d have saved up a few shillings after all the years he’s been on telly. Divorce is like algebra. You look at the X and think Y?
Fascinating Fact: Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius died in 1744 aged 43, although his big rival Fahrenheit insisted that he was 109. On a different subject, I’ve been going to college to study astrology. I’ve applied for a Russell Grant. I’ve since discovered that Astrology and Astronomy are worlds apart!
To the person who stole my selfie stick. You need to take a long look at yourself…
When I was a little kid, I had a pet tadpole. I called him ‘Tiny’ because he was my newt…
I’m currently searching for a pub or club to supply free beer at my comedy festival weekend. I can’t pay you anything, but the comedians will tell hilarious jokes and recollect past occurrences that were so funny that you’ll probably go doo-lally and vote for the Tories! This gig will be an ideal opportunity for you to showcase all your fine ales and premium pilsners.
Barmy Albert was languishing in his local hostelry, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when young tyke Willy Eckerslyke tottered in and sat next to him. Albert proclaimed: “What’s up with you? You look knackered!” Young Willy confided in Albert that he had a new girlfriend and she was quite demanding in the bedroom department, indeed she was waking him up at all hours asking for more! Willy asked Albert what he could do to curtail all this frantic carnal activity. With all the dignity that Albert could muster, he replied: “Marry her….”
I got home from Wetherspoons and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin and whacked me over the cranium. I asked her: “What’s that for?” She was incandescent with rage and screamed: “I’ve found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket, with the word ‘Charmaine’ on it!” I told her that I’d put a bet on last week and that it was the name of the horse and she unreservedly apologised to me. The following night, I got home from a gig and she whacked me again with the rolling pin! I meekly enquired what was the problem this time? She shouted: “Your horse is on the phone!” Oooops!
I always fondly remember my great-grandmothers last words. She was ill in hospital and was lying so still that you couldn’t tell if she was still alive or had passed away. Someone sez: “Feel her feet. Nobody ever died with warm feet.” My great-granny opened her eyes and declared: “Joan of Arc did!” She then died in the next instant….
I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back even further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped! All this occurred primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too. But no, not me. Yes sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!
