Talk about the spiralling cost of living! I purchased a latte at Keele Services on the M6 yesterday morning. The waitress serving me said: "Sorry, we don't accept fifty pound notes. So, I had to give her two twenties and a tenner! Due to global shortages, they had no tomatoes or cucumber, so I had to settle for a ham and turnip sandwich.
Not many folks know this, but I was raised in the wild by a pack of hyenas. Life was tough, food was scarce, the weather was atrocious. But boy, did we laugh!
Non-Stick Nora told me that Barmy Albert had swallowed a Quality Street chocolate and it went down the wrong hole and blocked his windpipe. I asked her: “The purple one?” She sez: “Yeah. That’s him!”
One morning, three ladies are golfing on the fifth green when suddenly, this bloke runs by wearing nothing but a balaclava over his head. As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.” As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.” He then passes by the third woman, Non-Stick Nora, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Hang about” Nora exclaims. "He’s not even a member of this golf club".
Fascinating Fact: 95% of being married is just yelling “Eh?” from a different room! Moreover, once you can comprehend why a pizza is made round, cut into triangles and then packed in a square box, then and only then will you understand the complexity of a woman’s brain and discover that it’s a mass of contradictions!
Remember when you were a kid and your mum thought that you were riding your Raleigh Chopper bike around the block for eight hours, when in actual fact, you’d travelled three miles away, explored a derelict house, leapt over a disused railway fence, played marbles and won your mate Tommy;s dobber off him, constructed a den in the woods and made a small bonfire! Whereas, kids these days just stare at their phones all day.
Went to see a faith healer last night. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out! Of course, the reason why you don’t see faith healers in hospitals is exactly the same reason why you don’t hear of psychics winning the Euro Millions.
My wife left me because she said I'm so insecure. Hang on! She's back now, she was making a cup of tea in the kitchenette.
My Scouse mate is trying to find out who stole his board game. He hasn't got a Cluedo.
The missus asked me: “Why were you so long in Tesco?” I told her: “This bloke lost a £50 note.” She sez: “Were you helping him look for it?” I replied: “No. I was stood on it…”
This couple from a travelling circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their fifteen metre long luxury caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford graduate, who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills". There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing. "Our full-time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet”, they reply. So, the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for. "It doesn't really matter", they say, "as long as he fits in the cannon".
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Alas, the incorrigible John Motson has sadly passed away aged 77 years old last week. He was a joy to work with and a true maverick in the commentary box. There’ll never another...