Due to soaring energy costs, Richi Sunak has announced that the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off. Furthermore, he maintains that Nadim Zahawi has paid back HMRC all the tax that he didn’t owe. Vote Conservative. Careless, but not deliberate….
Prince Harry writes: “Once, he came at me with two fingers and he squeezed my nose, then pulled away and he had my nose between his fingers. He shouted: “I’ve got your nose!” He refused to give it back and then he threw it across the room and it disappeared!”
This morning, to alleviate the monotony, sit in your car wearing sunglasses and point a hairdryer at oncoming vehicles. See if they slow down...
Last Wednesday was the 1st of February. I reckon that the bloke who dreamed up the word February must have had summat to do with the word Wednesday as well. I wonder if he came from Cholmondely? Was his missus called Siobhan? Answers on a coastguard please, to my address in Featherstonehaugh.
Last Tuesday was the 31st of January. I decided to start my Dry January on that day. I distrust camels, or anyone else who can go for a fortnight without a drink.
This little girl sez to her Dad, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
MBE for Bonnie Tyler. I downloaded her voice onto my SatNav. Now it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then, it falls apart! Furthermore, I got lost in France!
Statistics prove that 75% of all accidents happen within five miles of your home, so why not move six miles away? Moreover, statistics also prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Who’d a thowt it!
Non Stick Nora’s grandchild is three years old and yesterday she took her shopping. When she got home, the kid had a chocolate bar in her pocket. Now, Nora didn't buy it and the kid certainly didn't buy it, so Nora frogmarched her straight back to the Trafford Centre and let her loose in the jewellers…
Fascinating Fact: Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I tried my utmost to argue that sixty is the new thirty. However, the policeman still gave me a speeding ticket.
Barmy Albert got a free ticket to Manchester United from his company, because he worked over Christmas. Unfortunately, when Albert arrives at the stadium, he realises the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, not a good place.. At half-time, Albert sees through his binoculars an empty seat in The Sir Alex Ferguson Stand right on the halfway line. He decides to grasp the nettle and take a chance, making his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Albert asks the bloke sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The fella sez, "Nope." Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Albert again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this in The Alex Ferguson Stand at Old Trafford and not use it?!" The guy replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Man Utd game we haven't been to together, since we got married back in 1977." "Well, that's really sad," said Albert, "but still, couldn't you find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral”
I phoned my old mate Bill Withers and told him that ‘Ain’t no Sunshine’ is appalling grammar. He replied: “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know....”
I was staggered at the increase of 75p per 1kg bag of Winalot Bonio's. I mean that's about £8 in dog money...
Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years. He left us 3 important statements:
(1) Nothing is forever in this world, not even our problems.
(2) I love walking in the rain because no one can see my tears.
(3) The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh.
Life is just a journey! Therefore, live for today! Tomorrow may not be. Now visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington and exercise your guffaw glands!
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