Matt Hancock says: Hands-Face-Back to My Place! He was caught snogging his aide Gina Coladangelo. Experts have advised her to self-isolate because she evidently possesses no sense of taste, whatsoever. She must have no sense of smell either, because one can detect the rancid pong of hypocrisy all around the UK and beyond!
Furthermore, Hancock maintains that he was observing social distancing because her legs were two metres apart...
Now we have everyone washing their hands and observing social distancing, isn’t it time that we taught BMW drivers how to use their indicators?
England v Germany will be shown live on TV all over the UK except for Scotland where they will show"Wish You Were Here."
Moreover, statistics show that Portugal completed 850 passes in their game the week before last. The only way England could equal that is if we put Harry Kane on Mastermind!
Fascinating Fact: Kids see magic because they look for it. This is akin to the governments scientific advisors.
If you’re ever with me and someone comes up and starts chatting and I don’t introduce you, it’s because I can’t remember their name, so please feel free to introduce yourself, then I can hear the said name and pretend I knew it all along. Moreover, you could just call the person mate if it’s a male, or lovely or darling or temptress if it’s a lady...
The way things are going in our ‘Woke’ society, we’re gonna have to eradicate shampoo for fear of offending bald folk. If they had a comb, they wouldn’t part with it.
Roses are red, violets are red, tulips are red, and trees are red. Flamin’ Nora, me gardens on fire!
“Mummy," asked little Nellie, "Why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it. You'll have to ask her." The next time her grandmother visited "Granny," asks little Nellie, "Why do you and mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it," replied Nellie's granny. "You'll have to ask her." "Great Granny," asks Nellie the next time they visit her slightly doo-lally great grandmother at the nursing home, "Why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, for Pete’s sake!" sez Great Granny, " Are they still using that fuckin' small pan?"
In my opinion, sex education classes in all schools should consist of pupils listening to a baby crying incessantly for four straight hours, whilst watching Peppa Pig on a constant video loop.
If you made a mistake, then apologise. If you are thankful, just tell me. If you’re confused, ask me any question. If you are lucky enough to learn summat new, then teach it. If you are stuck, ask for assistance. If you’re wrong, admit it. If you are in a position to unselfishly give, then send me £10. If you love someone, tell me NOW! If you’re famished, ask someone to go to Greggs. If you fancy a chortle, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Covid Jokey-Bloggington! There’s only 3 more lockdowns to Christmas, folks!