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Wednesday 26 September 2012

Moose Heads....

This actually happened.....

They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the roof.

The driver and passengers put on Moose heads.

Then they went down the toll road Interstate, causing 16 accidents.

Yes; they went to jail... Yes;  alcohol was involved...

Lovemaking Tips For the More Mature....

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have muscle relief drugs ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbours are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Tuesday 25 September 2012

The top ten jokes chosen this year are as follows:

1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ”
3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”
4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”
6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”
7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.
8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.”
10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”

Friday 21 September 2012

Bristol Pounds...

In order that we all may celebrate the publication of the topless photographs of Kate Middleton, it was announced today Royal Doulton will be releasing a collector's limited edition of two small jugs...

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge. Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless! He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn! Elton bursts into tears. "What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!"

My pet mouse Elvis died, he was caught in a trap....

It was the wife’s birthday, so I thought I’d better make an effort. Last year, I got her a new bag and a matching belt. I must say, the Hoover works great now. This year, I went to a lingerie outlet. I sez, “I’d like a see-through negligee, size 22, please.” The fella behind the counter replied, “What would you want to see through that for?”

Barmy Albert's wife has left him and taken his entire Bob Marley CD collection and she's even took the satellite dish. Poor Albert. No woman, no Sky!

Tom Tom have launched a new Sat Nav system especially for the over seventies. When you get where you're going, it reminds you what you've gone for...

I tried to share meat pie, chips, mushy peas and gravy with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench in Manchester last night. He told me to sod off and buy my own.

Nick Clegg walked into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing that I'm really any good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?"

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable.Click on my jokeblog: or better still email me: Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!

I'm back cruisin' da Med on the magnificent vessel that is The Carnival Breeze this weekend with me old mate Tom Pepper.  We are appearing in the Punchliner Comedy Club, presented by George Lopez. Back next week.  Byeeeee!!!

Monday 3 September 2012

Venus & Mars Thingie....

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Sunday 2 September 2012

The Euro situation....

For anyone who doesn't fully understand the Euro situation .

Europe in a "few" words (nutshell)

Pythagoras' theorem - 24 words.
Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.
10 Commandments - 179 words.

EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words.

What Gender is a Computer?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador') , because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..
The women won. Allegedly!

Don Alfonso's Tweezers....

I sez to the missus, “Where have you been all day?”  She replied, "Shopping in the sales at the Trafford Centre.  I bought this dress for a ridiculous figure.”  I looked at her and said, “You’re not f**king kidding are you!”

Breaking News: Fire crews are tackling a massive blaze at Robin Van Persies house. Police suspect it may be Arsene.

A customer asked, "In which aisle would I find the Irish sausage?" The assistant enquired, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "None of your business. Now let me ask you summat. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?  Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?" The assistant sez, "No, I definitely would not." The fella says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"  The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

I was in my local pub, 'The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife' last night and spied two girls who I could only describe as being on the 'avant-garde side of petite' (as political correctness now obliges us to say) at the bar. They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making assumptions with regard to their origins, I politely enquired, "Excuse me, but are you two girls from Scotland?" One of them ranted, "It’s WALES you stoopid idiot!" So I immediately apologised and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?” That's when the fight started!

I got the wife one of those Pug dogs as a surprise prezzie. Despite the squashed nose, skenning eyes and trouble breathing due to excessive weight gain over several years, the dog really seems to like her.

Fascinating Fact No 1: Statistics prove that one in every three women is just as difficult and argumentative as the other two.

Fascinating Fact No 2: What do Las Vegas and Wigan have in common? In both places, you can get sex in return for chips. 

Fascinating Fact No 3: If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have.
It was only a matter of time.

I acquired a 52" plasma TV down the pub last night for just £35! There's a problem with the volume control, but at that price, I couldn't turn it down.

My next-door neighbour Barmy Albert has bought a dog to guard his house, but it lets absolutely anyone in. Apparently it`s a U.K. Border Terrier!

I am appearing at Glossop Golf Club tomorrow (Friday 7th) with the outrageous Steve Kindon, and bon viveur and raillery exponent James H Reeve.  It’s a fundraiser for Charlesworth & Chisworth Cricket Club. On Sunday, I will be flying to Rome and return to my duties (They’ve hired me as ballast) on the magnificent Carnival Breeze, cruisin’ da Med innit. For more hilarious diatribes, visit my website:     The wettest autumn in history is almost upon us!  Now, get back to work!