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Friday 21 September 2012

Bristol Pounds...

In order that we all may celebrate the publication of the topless photographs of Kate Middleton, it was announced today Royal Doulton will be releasing a collector's limited edition of two small jugs...

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge. Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless! He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn! Elton bursts into tears. "What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!"

My pet mouse Elvis died, he was caught in a trap....

It was the wife’s birthday, so I thought I’d better make an effort. Last year, I got her a new bag and a matching belt. I must say, the Hoover works great now. This year, I went to a lingerie outlet. I sez, “I’d like a see-through negligee, size 22, please.” The fella behind the counter replied, “What would you want to see through that for?”

Barmy Albert's wife has left him and taken his entire Bob Marley CD collection and she's even took the satellite dish. Poor Albert. No woman, no Sky!

Tom Tom have launched a new Sat Nav system especially for the over seventies. When you get where you're going, it reminds you what you've gone for...

I tried to share meat pie, chips, mushy peas and gravy with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench in Manchester last night. He told me to sod off and buy my own.

Nick Clegg walked into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing that I'm really any good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?"

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable.Click on my jokeblog: or better still email me: Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!

I'm back cruisin' da Med on the magnificent vessel that is The Carnival Breeze this weekend with me old mate Tom Pepper.  We are appearing in the Punchliner Comedy Club, presented by George Lopez. Back next week.  Byeeeee!!!

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