This woman sauntered out of Iceland and a packet of frozen fish fell out of her carrier bag and dropped onto the tarmacadam. So I picked it up and bunged it in our shopping trolley. The missus sez: "That doesn't belong to us; give it back to that lady". "Findus Kippers", I replied.
The next person who asks me for orange juice mixed with alcohol, strawberries, angostura bitters and a twist of lemon is going to get a punch!
DFS are launching a waterproof sofa that will do 30 knots. Apparently, there's a sail on...
Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora “I honestly don’t understand cloning.” Nora replied: “That makes two of us!"
Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So he took the battery out of the smoke alarm.
As I was perambulating up Scropton Street, I spotted that the local pizza shop had a sign in the window - "50% off all 18 inch pizzas". Surely that's just a nine inch pizza?
I'm currently building a time machine so I can travel fifty years into the future and see if Wagon Wheels are the size of five pence pieces. I bought a De Lorean, however, I only drive it from time to time...
I came home from the golf club yesterday, only to find the missus stood in the garden, whilst the local fire brigade were dousing the flames in our kitchenette. I said to my wife, "Why didn't you ring me?" "What could you have done?" she asked. I replied, "Well, I could have gone to Wetherspoons and got a bite to eat there."
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica, where do they go? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!
I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! email@example.com Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!