After the pig squealed on David Cameron, it's now been discovered that the Labour Party had been participating in 'Pigs in Blunketts'....
I fondly recollect when the kid asked me, “Daddy, where do we come from?” I sez, “The Stork.” She replied, “Mummy reckons that we came from apes”. “No darling, I replied, “That was your mother's side of the family!”
"Don't go bacon my heart"
"I couldn't if I fried"
No, I didn't call her Babe.
No, I didn't need oinkment.
No, she wouldn't leave me aloin.
No, I've never made a rasher decision.
The teacher was giving a lesson in arithmetic. She asked the children to explain on paper how you know when to add, subtract, divide or multiply. Here's one girl's answer: "If there are lots of numbers, you add. If there are only two numbers, with lots of parts, you subtract. But if there are just two numbers, and one's a little harder than the other, then it's a hard problem, so you divide if it comes out even, but if they don't you multiply." So now we know!
A driver is pulled over by the cops. The policeman approaches the driver’s door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet the lying devil told you I was speeding, too!"
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org
Phoned up the RSPCA yesterday morning, because I discovered a fox and her four cubs in a suitcase in the woods, whilst walking the dogs. The RSPCA woman sez, "Are they moving?" I replied, "Dunno, but that would certainly explain the suitcase."
I reckon that our main problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything nowadays, but please don't quote me on that....
Just put me pants in the Corbyn trouser press and it's only done the left leg!
When I was in New York a few years ago, I met Paul Simon. I sez, "Paul, what was that song called that you had a massive hit with in the 80's?" He replied, "Call Me Al." I sez, "Al, what was that song called that you had a massive hit with in the 80's?"....
During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."
A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."
Barmy Albert goes for his annual medical check-up. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Albert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' Albert replies, 'God and I are okay. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor phones up Albert's missus, Non-Stick Nora. . 'Nora,' Albert is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?' 'Oh my God!' Nora exclaims. 'He's pissin' in the fridge again!
Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: email@example.com. Now, get back to work.
1. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
2. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw carrots.
3. Insist that your e-mail address be "Nonsticknora@hotmail.com"
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
8. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
11. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
12. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." "Hey Bucko, are we meeting later?"etc...
14. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
15. Schedule meetings for 4:14 p.m.. or 2:37 p.m., or 10:16 a.m..
16. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
17. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Play area and charge everyone £25 each.
18. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the Gentlemen's latrine."
20. Put your waste bin can on your desk. Label it "IN."
21. Plant a privet hedge around your cubicle.
23. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty Lucozade cans.
24. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office, and talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when she/he leaves.
25. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave to get a coffee.
26. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
27. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
28. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
29. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into them.
30. "Hi-lite" your shoes and tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
34. Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." or "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
35. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co- workers.
37. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
38. Decorate your office with pictures of Gangsta Rappers. Try to pass them off as your own children.
39. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc.... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
40. See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.
41. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
42. Put a sign on the copier that says, "Voice Activated! Speak loudly into the panel."
Barmy Albert goes for his annual medical check-up. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Albert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
Barmy Albert replies, 'God and I are okay.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor phones up Albert's missus, Non-Stick Nora. . 'Nora,' Albert is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Nora exclaims. 'He's pissin' in the fridge again!
The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into
the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL!
TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!
CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL
IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!"
The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know
how to fry an egg?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted you to know what it's like for me
when I am driving the car and you're sitting next to me."
1) My wife and I have a system for settling arguments We just talk and talk until she's right.
2) My doctor says he thinks I'm having a mid-life crisis. I was so surprised I nearly fell off my skateboard!
C) I'm a master forger, and I've got all the certificates to prove it.
5) I found an iPhone on the bus today, so called the number in the contacts that said 'Home'.
"Hello!" I said when they answered. "I've found your phone on the bus." "Oh, that's fantastic," the woman sighed with relief. "I know it is" I replied, "How do I work the camera?"
6) Me and my son were arguing for a good hour whether the light stays on in the fridge when you close the door... My son said it doesn't, I said it does. In the end I took his word for it and let him out....!!
7) Manchester City have announced they will take 25,000 refugees every home game....
8) Congratulations to the Queen on becoming our longest reigning monarch, beating the previous record held by Sir Bobby Charlton.
I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! firstname.lastname@example.org
Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!
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Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and stack each component in its accompanying polypropathene safety box. Mount the axionic deflector shell adjacent to on top of the augment the ventral nanotech drive refibulator and attach them using the starboard vacuum chamber. Ensure that the refibulator is mounted at a 45 degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved section of the Pyrex thistle tube. Place the four sections of the triangular separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using the band aid adhesive strip. Insert the waggling pin into the wibbling hole, making sure that it seated correctly. Place the D cell battery and the eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber vacuum slottage.
The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional digital corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to touch the reinforced tungsten igniter control module and quickly turn the inverter drive to 28.6 degrees. Turn the Austin Token A-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce lump hammer while shaking the unit vigorously. Force open the door to
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Before activating the Austin Token-A-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by northeast to within the parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator. Using the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core to the "on" position. The "on" position has been obtained when the green light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off. Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labeled "ON/OFF" to the "ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system. Logon using your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once prompted you must tick the box with the appropriate action you wish to take and then press
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Hello there! How’ve you been? I’ve been constantly travelling all summer on various ships. Indeed, I’ve just got back from Canada on Fred Olsen cruise ship, The Black Watch. Next trip will be Istanbul on the Celebrity Reflection. After that, I’ll be on dry land doing sporting dinners and corporate events until next year. Checkout my Facebook page for my whereabouts. I don't mean the whereabouts that I wear about the house, because they're in the washing basket.
When I was at the Tesco checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card. Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer for idiots like me!
I sez to the missus, "Oi Fishface! What do you want for your birthday?" She shouted, "Don't get lippy!" I sez, "Right! Mascara it is then....."
Yesterday, I logged on to the Diabetes Awareness site and it asked me: "Will you accept cookies?" Do you think they're trying to catch me out?
My doctor thinks I might have contracted Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis, but it’s hard to say at the moment.
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old folks care home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Non-Stick Nora was sitting at the bar in The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub enjoying a milk stout with her friends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome man appeared. He was so striking that Nora could not take her eyes off him. He noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could utter a syllable for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00...on one condition..." Flabbergasted but intrigued, Nora asked what the condition was. The bloke replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." Non-Stick Nora considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Decorate my house."
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:email@example.com
Most of the newest cars have a "Back-Up Sensor" that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with summat.
Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept was first developed by a Chinese farmer. His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something....