Phoned up the RSPCA yesterday morning, because I discovered a fox and her four cubs in a suitcase in the woods, whilst walking the dogs. The RSPCA woman sez, "Are they moving?" I replied, "Dunno, but that would certainly explain the suitcase."
I reckon that our main problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility
for anything nowadays, but please don't quote me on that....
Just put me pants in the Corbyn trouser press and it's only done the left leg!
When I was in New York a few years ago, I met Paul Simon. I sez, "Paul, what was that song called that you had a massive hit with in the 80's?" He replied, "Call Me Al." I sez, "Al, what was that song called that you had a massive hit with in the 80's?"....
During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."
A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."
Barmy Albert goes for his annual medical check-up. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Albert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' Albert replies, 'God and I are okay. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor phones up Albert's missus, Non-Stick Nora. . 'Nora,' Albert is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?' 'Oh my God!' Nora exclaims. 'He's pissin' in the fridge again!
Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work.
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