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Saturday 28 September 2013

The Wanderer Returns!

I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? I must say that I’ve had a fantastic summer, cruising both the Mediterranean and the Baltics on two magnificent vessels, namely the Carnival Sunshine and Carnival Legend. The service on these luxury liners is second to none. I got up at 4 am in the morning to go to the loo, and when I came back, the bed was made and there was a chocolate on the pillow!

The missus sez I'm very immature and that I have a childlike mentality and that we need to set some time aside to discuss this problem. As if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

Yesterday, I told the window cleaner, in no uncertain terms, "I've confiscated your ladders, if I catch you looking at the missus through the bedroom window again, further steps will be taken."

A pal of mine died last week. He was a taxi driver. At the funeral, the hearse turned up 20 minutes late, went to the wrong house, then went to the the wrong crematorium. It's what he would have wanted....

I used to go out with a clairvoyant a few years ago. She was absolutely gorgeous. But she finished with me before I met her....

At the end of Hollyoaks last night it said, "If you have been affected by any issues raised in this programme then ring this helpline". So I phoned the number and told them; "I can't act either"...

Q) What's the difference between Prince Andrew and Manchester United?

A) Prince Andrew has never regretted getting rid of Fergie!

The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: "You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?"
Me: "What about it?"
Her: "Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds."
Me: "Right, I've done that"
Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!"
Me: "I can see that, yeah."
Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!"
Me: Okay, I see them."
Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear."
Me: "Yes! I can see him!"
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!"

The phone rang while I was having dinner. Answered it and woman launches into her script regarding PPI insurance. I start heavy breathing and then say, "What are you wearing?" Then hear 'click' and dialling tone. RESULT!! Next please!

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email

Friday 27 September 2013

Resetting The Password

THEM; Sorry  that password has expired - you must register a new one.

US: Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

THEM; No, but your password has expired - you must get a new one.

US; Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

THEM; Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

US: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

THEM; No, you must get a new one.

US: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

THEM; Sorry, you must get a new one.

US: OK, roses.

THEM; Sorry you must use more letters.

US: Okay, pretty roses...

THEM; No good, you must use at least one numerical character.

US: OK, 1 pretty rose

THEM; Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

US: OK, 1prettyrose

THEM; Sorry, you must use additional characters.

US: OK, 1fuckingprettyrose

THEM; Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

US: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose
         THEM; Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

US: OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose

THEM; Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

US: OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

THEM; Sorry, that password is currently being used.

Friday 6 September 2013


Can I buy a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you love peace and quiet."

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. [Nice one!!]

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like ................. night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Carry On Up The Baltics!

Today, I fly to Oslo, Norway to join the magnificent vessel that is Carnival Legend. I shall be working in the Punchliner Comedy Club with George Lopez. Back next week folks! Byeeeee!!

Wednesday 4 September 2013

That Was The Week That Was!

David Frost has died on board the Queen Elizabeth cruise ship.  I must say, I didn't go down too well myself on that particular vessel.

Strictly Come Dancing makes a welcome return! My problem is that I have two left feet and cannot dance to save my life. But as soon as I step in dog shit, I can Moonwalk betterer than Michael Jackson...

I was in a club with my pal Don last night, and we both spotted a gang of birds sat on the bar stools. As quick as a flash, we both started dancing right next to them. When about 15 minutes had elapsed, I wiped the perspiration from my brow and sez, "Don, I don't think this is working very well." "I don't either," he breathlessly replied, "Maybe we could do with some music."

I'm thinking of taking an Astrology course at the local college, so I have applied for a Russell Grant.

Gareth Bale record transfer fee! £300k per week! If I was on that kind of dough, I'd only do the one week. In fact, I'd probably just do a couple of days..

She wanted a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It came like a bolt out of the blue, you could have knocked me down with a feather, took the wind right out of my sails, I can tell yer...

Q) What's the definition of a Scouse dilemma?
A) Free Lidl coupons in the Sun newspaper.

They reckon that all Rolf Harris's victims are Manchester City Supporters. You hear nowt from them for over 40 years, then they all pipe up at once!   What with 'Two Little Boys' and 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down' We should have known there was summat wrong there!

BREAKING NEWS: Obama respects Cameron's decision. So it's Assad day for Syria.
Nick Clegg thinks Damascus kills 99% of all household germs.

I always have sexdaily! Sorry. I mean dyslexia.

A Brief History of Time:

1813 Women have no rights.

1913 Women fight for some rights.

2013 Women are always f***ing right.

"You haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?" This always seems like a weird way for the missus to start a conversation with me.

I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my six-year old son wasn't actually mine.  She says that I need to pay more attention when I'm picking him up from school.

I tried washing my clothes at 30 degrees, but the washing machine just fell over!

Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Why doncha visit my website? and peruse my all new Jokey-Blog. You know it’s the right thing to do. All the cool kidz are at it!

How a Woman's Brain Works....


Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar,where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar when he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Chain-Smoker stopped in his tracks and stared at the cigarette.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence.  The rest of the year went very smoothly.