Search This Blog

Sunday 17 July 2011

Hat & Coat Time....

Breaking News:  Miracle Occurs in Liverpool Off-Licence!

Last night, I was stood at the bar in my local pub, The ‘Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’, when this gorgeous girl came up beside me. Looking her up and down, I said, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together." She said, "No fatty, I'd put U at the back of the Q!" Oh dear, hat and coat time already. Start the car!

If you find a shell at the seaside, then take it home, sit on the sofa and hold it closely to your ear. You’ll discover that you can still hear the wife nagging through the other ear! Fascinating!

Q.which film star appeared in seven films and wore the same coat in all seven.

A) Lassie.

I hear on the grapevine that after his embarrassing defeat against Wladimir Klitschko, David Haye is off on holiday. Apparently, he’s going to Krackatoa.

I finished the Times crossword in eight minutes flat yesterday! Fourteen across was rather cryptic. However, it turned out to be, ' Dumphlouob.'

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too much of an exhibitionist. Well, I'll show her!

Yesterday, I spied my next door neighbour Barmy Albert in Manchester. He was queuing outside a cinema for six hours to see the film, 'Closed for Refurbishment.'

Little Wayne and Sharon are only eleven years old, but they know they are truly, madly, deeply in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Wayne goes to Sharon’s dad to ask him for permission. Wayne gamely strolls up to him and opines, "Mr. Jones, me and Shazza are truly in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the loveliest thing, Mr. Jones replies, "Well Wayne, you are only eleven years old, where will the both of you live?" Without the blink of an eye, Wayne sez, "In Sharon’s room. It's much larger than my bedroom and we can both fit in there quite snugly." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Jones replies with a huge smile, "Okay, then how will you exist? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Sharon." Once more, Wayne instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Shazza gets five quid a week and I get a fiver too. That's forty quid a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Jones is really impressed that Wayne has done a lot of forward planning and put so much thought into this. "Well Wayne, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Wayne just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." “Hmmmm”, thought Mr Jones. “All of a sudden, the little brat ain’t so cute!”

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the slings and arrows of outrageous misery. If we cannot laugh at our own shortcomings, then what can we laugh at? Well there’s this column for a start! Visit my website: You can email me too! Now, get back to work!

Wednesday 6 July 2011

M60 Rules okay....

From Private Eye (again!)

Whilst driving down the M60 yesterday, my daughter Susannah sez: "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why makes you say that ?" I asked. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".