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Monday 28 February 2011

The Comeback...

Which is the male of the species?

The Comeback....

Over many years in showbiz, I have had the good fortune to work with many icons and luminaries of the silver screen. I fondly recollect working with the great Shakespearian actor, Warwick Hunt. He truly suffered for his art. After many successful years playing leading roles in Hollywood, an unforseen problem suddenly manifested itself, and virtually destroyed his career as a renowned and respected thespian. He could no longer remember his lines. This situation, coupled with sporadic bouts of stage fright served only to compound this most unfortunate predicament.

Finally, after more than a decade in the wilderness, he discovered a theatre that was prepared to give him another chance to shine once more.

Everard Farquaharson, the theatre director explained, "This is the most important part in the play, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then deliver the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor was thrilled. All day long before the play he continually rehearsed his line over and over again. Suddenly, the time came to perform, and his opportunity of a return to stardom beckoned. He was nervous, but confident.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion and fire delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, the curtain fell. The director was incandescent with rage!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was most bewildered, "What happened…… did I forget my line?"

"NO!" the director screamed,


Thursday 24 February 2011

Prostate Examination...

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Monday 21 February 2011

Choosing a wife...

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses
up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to
be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save
for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her ...........


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

The wife asked me....

The missus asked me, "How many women have you slept with?" I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was wide awake." Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM


Levels of stress:
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside
your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful!
But at the hospital they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that
you are going to be father. You say that you are not the father,
but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and
probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.


Arthritis Joke:

A drunk man who smelled like a brewery sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
A half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest seeing a chance to give a quick sermon. "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, Too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
"The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned." Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Thursday 17 February 2011

Tech Support (But Not As We Know It!)

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes,
such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable
programs such as rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV.
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband is an Operating System.
Please enter the command:
'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update.
If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically
run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember -
overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to
Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work
better running one task at a time. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Tuesday 15 February 2011

Confession Joke...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

The priest replies: “Get out. You're on my side.”

The Secrets Of Marriage...

The missus phoned me on Saturday, at the crack of noon. She was in a bit of a state and curtly informed me that I needed to get to the hospital immediately. Apparently, the mother-in-law was in a terrible way and about to shuffle off this mortal coil. I informed her that the Derby match was match live on TV. The missus reckoned that I could record it and watch it later. You should have seen the look on her face, when I turned up at the hospital with a camcorder and tripod!

The secret to a lasting marriage is tools. Tools ~ Accounts ~ Internet Options ~ Delete History...

Thursday 10 February 2011

54 year old woman joke...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Whilst on the operating table, she had a lucid dream which manifested itself as a near death experience. The Grim Reaper had come for her and she tried to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death! Then suddenly, she saw Archangel Gabriel, and asked "Is my time up?" Gabriel said, "No, you have another 32 years, 5 months and 5 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face- lift, liposuction, botox implants and a tummy tuck. She even had a top hairdresser come in and change her hair colour and got the dentist to whiten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she reckoned that she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ice cream van. Arriving in front of Gabriel, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 32 years? Why didn't you rescue me from the path of the ice cream van?" Gabriel replied: " Shit! I didn't recognise you!”

His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let's go”. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I'm a photographer for the BBC” , he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots.” The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?”

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

FEB 10th 2011

Early last September, the local supermarket had all the Christmas stuff on display. On New Year’s Day, I was staggered to witness that Easter eggs were on the shelves. It gets worse! Although we have two weeks before Pancake Day, all the shops are full of flour, eggs & milk. It's ridiculous!!

Burns Night was two weeks ago, last week saw Chinese New Year. This week why don't we have Chinese Burns Night? The kids would love it!!

A Scouser goes on Dragons Den and shows the panel an antique blunderbuss shotgun and an old gamekeepers pouch. Duncan Bannatyne sez "And what is your idea?" The Scouser replied, "It's a very simple concept Duncan, just put all the f**kin' money in the bag"...

My New Year’s resolution is to stop leaving things so late.

Whenever the missus sez, "What do you think?" she is not asking for your opinion. She is asking for her opinion, from your mouth.

A woman was sitting at the bar of my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome extremely sexy, middle aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as any man would). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, " I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for fifty quid, on one condition." Flabbergasted, but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £50 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said, “Paint my house”.

The sprog Susannah came thundering down the stairs, much to my annoyance. “Susannah," I opined, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs very quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being." There was a silence, and she reappeared in the living room. "That's better," I sez, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that?" "Suits me," she replied. "I slid down the bannister." It’s amazing isn’t it. You spend the first few years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next fourteen telling them to sit down and shut up!

Corns and bunion pain exacerbated with athletes foot malady? I can't help you with that, but I can tell you that the secret to lasting hair growth is to tell the world about this gloppy column and my Jokey-Blog. Just click on All you have to do is tell your friends and family and your friends and families friends and family and then, do it all over again.

Thursday 3 February 2011

New Wine from ASDA!!

Asda is to offer it's own store-brand of wine. As part of Wal-Mart, the world's largest retail chain, Asda is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wine at an affordable price in the £2.00 - £3.50 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Asda brand into their shopping trolley, "but there is a huge market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Mickey, professor of marketing at the University of Leeds "However, the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names were:

Chateau Traileur Parc
White Trashfindel
I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
Grape Expectations
Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Asda Wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Squirrel) or red meat (Domestic Cat)

Note: This email maybe a hoax as everybody knows Domestic cat is not a red meat.

Other CHINESE products you might be interested in:

WARNING!! Tinned Squirrel May Contain Nuts.

Wednesday 2 February 2011

AAAAAA Syndrome & Doctor Joke.

A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into the room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."



The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad
news. You have cancer,
and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked,
but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her
daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when
things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this
case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. So, let's head to the club and
have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a
little less sombre. There
were some chortles and more martinis. They were
eventually approached by
some of the woman's old friends, who were
curious as to what the two were
celebrating. The woman told her
friends they were drinking to her
impending end.

"I've been
diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their
condolences and beat a hasty

After the friends left,
the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you
said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were
dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of
those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone."

THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In


Women are like phones:
like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong
button and your ass is disconnected.

Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?

Who was the 3rd man in
history to walk on water?

The 1st one was Jesus..

The 2nd was the apostle, Peter.

Then there was Pedro...