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Friday 31 January 2014

The Illegal Dam....

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter, you won’t stop once you start. 

SUBJECT: DEQ ... File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2013.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.


David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/12 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.   These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2013? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.



Sunday 26 January 2014

MUFC Latest! #mufc

Beleaguered Manchester United manager David Moyes has promised fans that they will definitely be in a major European competition next year. This will happen, even if he has to sing the song himself. Moreover, Moysie has entered into a new contract with Wayne ‘The Spud-Faced Nipper’ Rooney, so that United’s main rivals (West Ham and Norwich) cannot sign him!

Jane and Sharon were having a drink together, and were talking about the merits of plastic surgery. Jane sez,  "I must be totally honest, I'm going to have a boob job." Sharon replies, "Oh, that's nothing, I'm thinking of getting my arsehole bleached." To which the Jane replies, "I'd think twice about that,  I just can't picture your hubby as a blonde!".

Last night, I'd just set two intricate place at the dining table, using the best cutlery and crockery and then the missus walked in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until Friday!"

Whilst visiting my daughter this week, I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, Dad" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!

The Apple iPad instructed me to create a password with eight characters. So I put Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. I’d Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Are they trying to catch me out?

This bloke popped into a barbers shop and asked, "How long before I can get me haircut?" The barber looked around the shop, packed of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get me haircut?" The hairdresser gazed around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The fella left. A week later the same man stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get me haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The bloke left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

My wife was furious on Monday morning when I came home from a party. "You abominable cretin!" she screamed. "Oh that's it," I said, "Start on me as soon as I walk through the door."
"What the hell do you expect me to say?" she yelled. I said, "Happy New Year would be a nice start." I don’t remember anything else...

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email

Monday 20 January 2014

Three People Who Can Walk On Water...

Three people were able to walk on water...
There was Jesus...
There was Saint Peter...
and then there was PEDRO!
Pedro, who the f**k is Pedro?

The missus (I call her ‘Babe - you’ve seen the film.) sent me out to get some milk last night and I returned five hours later. "Where the hell have you been?" she screamed. "The shop was sold out of milk," I replied, "So I went to borrow some from the landlord in the local pub." "Well, where is it then?" she asked. I said, "He didn't have any either." She then apologised to me for the first time ever. She said she was sorry that we ever met!

Why not pretend that you’re Sir Alex Ferguson? Retire. Then go into work every day, just to stare at the hapless bloke who got your old job. Moreover, if you worked at your local Job Centre and got the sack, the downside would be that you’d still have to go in there the next day. Fascinating!

I hate watching the telly after two o'clock in the morning. What is it with those people in the bottom right hand corner who think they can dance? They are so annoying! Get off my telly!

The week before last, whilst I was putting away all Christmas stuff in the loft, I came across a 1977 copy of TV Times, or the Sex Offenders Register as it is now known. Top of Form

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort,
he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
 His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.”Sod off'” she said, “They’re for the funeral”.

 A little girl and a little boy were at nursery. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, you wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"  The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your innermost thoughts." "Communicate my innermost thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." 

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!

Friday 17 January 2014

Just Fred....

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred ...what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

NEVER ask a man to help in the kitchen...

He: -"Darling, can I help you in any way?"

She: -"Of course dear, get that bag of potatoes, and if you can peel half of them and put them in the pot, then put the pie in the oven at 120 degrees...."

Monday 13 January 2014

How To Tell A Woman Is Mad At You....

The missus (Or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) and I had a terrible argument and she stormed out of the house and screamed at me, "You'll never find another one like me.""Yes I will," I shouted, "There’s plenty more whales in the sea." She is living proof that women can multi-task. She can actually shout and whinge at the same time!

The argument started when we were sauntering down the High Street and I noticed that she was limping and maintaining a rather eccentric gait. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy stare she gave me would have stopped a clock! Looks like I’ll be kipping on the sofa for the next few days/weeks/months. It doesn’t t bother us lads. It’s just like camping out innit!

My granddad spent most of the war on the lookout out for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Berlin Swimming Baths. The first woman he ever made love to was a suffragette. He only managed that, because she was chained to the railings.

Crimewatch Latest: Police in Tameside are currently hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the derriere over last month. A police spokesman said that they believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.

It was many years since the embarrassing day when a young woman with a baby in her arms entered the butcher’s shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and what was he going to do about it? After some denials and argument, he capitulated and promised to provide her with free meat until the boy turned 18 she agreed. He ticked the years off on his calendar until one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said “I’ll be 18 tomorrow.” “I know” said the butcher, “I’ve been counting too." And tell your mother when you get home that this is the last free meat she will get, and then watch the expression on her face.” When the boy arrived home and told his mother she nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk and free groceries for the past 18 years and watch the expression on his face!”

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the slings and arrows of outrageous misery. If we cannot laugh at our own shortcomings, then what can we laugh at? Well there’s this gloppy column for a start! Visit my website: You can email me too! Now, get back to work! The ice and snow are a-comin’!

Monday 6 January 2014

Pancake Tuesday Cometh!

It's three months until Shrove Tuesday, and already the shops are full of flour, eggs, and milk. It's ridiculous!

There is a bloke on my street, who has been featured in the "Guinness Book of Records" for having suffered an amazing forty-six concussions! He lives very close to my house, in fact, he is just a stone’s throw away.

I fondly recollect when I took my son to the pub for his first pint. I bought him a lager.  He didn't like it so, I had to drink it. Then I got him pint of bitter, he didn't like that either, so I had to sup it. It was the same with Guinness, so I had it, same with the cider. By the time we got to the Cabernet Sauvignon I could hardly push the flamin’ pram home.

Whilst on the subject of booze, I was out drinking with my mates over New Years week, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus!. Is she insecure or what? That's an average of six calls per day.

I went up to a girl in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it’d look even better on?" "Let me guess," she sighed, "Your bedroom floor?" "No," I replied, "A better-looking girl."

All this kerfuffle about immigration is totally unfounded. In all fairness it's the 9th of January today and I have yet to encounter a single Bulgarian! But then again, I was only in Bulgaria for two days! Moreover, why worry about the Wombles! They’ve been here for years already, on Wimbledon Common!

For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine. Barmy Albert was driving home from one of his business trips, in northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a lift. With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car. Resuming the journey, Albert tried in vain to make a conversation with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Albert. "What in bag?" asked the old man. Barmy Albert looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Not a bad swap...."

I fully realise that laughter isn't for everyone. It's only for folk who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. Exercise your guffaw glands today! Have a chortle on me! Visit my website:
 and continue the quest! You can email me:  

Wednesday 1 January 2014

Happy New 2014 - Innit!

Happy New 2014!! Or not, as the case may be. The police came to my door on New Year’s Day, holding a picture of the  missus. "Is this your wife sir?" said the officer. "Yes it is" I replied. "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a serious road traffic accident" said the efficient copper... "I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

If you've ever had the gross misfortune to have worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts right and thinking things through, then you will love this. The board at AK Steel Holdings Ltd, were feeling it was time for a shake-up, and head-hunted a new manager. On day one, the new boss was determined to rid the company of all malingerers. On a tour of the facilities, he noticed a bloke leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £150 a week. Why?" The new gaffer said, "Wait right there." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy six hundred quid in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now sling your hook and don’t come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the new manager looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that wastrels job was?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

On New Years Day, after being married for fifty years, Barmy Albert took a careful look at his missus, Non-Stick Nora, and opined, "Fifty years ago, we had a rented one-bedroom council flat, a scrap car, slept on a bed-settee and watched a 10-inch black and white telly, but I got to sleep every night with a gorgeous young girl. Now, I have a £350,000 home, a Mercedes saloon, a massive King-size bed and a whopping 54’ plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain." Nora looked at Albert and curtly informed him that he should go out and find a lovely 25-year-old girl and that she would make sure that he would once again be living in a council flat, driving a banger of a car, kipping on a sofa bed and watching a little black and white TV. Aren't older women great? Doncha just love ‘em!

In 2014, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did, those who won't anymore. The important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: and continue the quest! You can email me: Happy New Year to all my readers!! Now, get back to work!

The New Year Party's Over When...

- You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

- Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

- You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

- You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

- You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

- You strike a match and light your nose.

- You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

- You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

- You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

- You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

- You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

- You tell everyone you have to go home and the party's at your place.

- You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

- You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

- You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

- You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

- You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass the bedpan.

- You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

- You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

- You realise you're the only one under the coffee table.

I'm NEVER drinking again...