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Saturday 26 September 2009

My Grandmother is ninety-five and still doesn't need glasses...
She drinks straight out of the bottle.


On a university exam, students were asked to explain the
difference between ignorance and apathy.

The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote
"I don't know and I don't care."

Monday 21 September 2009

What A Week!!

My visit to Dubai last week was awesome. I performed at the Emirates Airline sponsored 'Dubai 7's Rugby Dinner’, and stayed at Le Meridian which is a 5 star hotel, where the service was absolutely superb. I got up to have a wee at four o'clock in the morning and when I returned from the bathroom, the bed was made! I have been asked to return there in December until mid January, and do some other gigs in Qatar and Bahrain, so no need to unpack then. Isn't life grand when you're daft!

The wife (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers party, whatever that is. Apparently, it’s just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries. She purchased a couple of really odd items, such as some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don't eat her cooking, so I'm not going to eat her vest am I? She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I wanted. So I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went to the pub.

Moreover, on a chilly winter evening, this week, I was lying on the sofa with the wife watching television. During the commercial break, I reached over and
gave her foot a gentle squeeze. "Mmmmm," she sez. "That's nice, do it again" "Actually," I admitted sheepishly, "I thought it was the remote control."

If you haven't accomplished anything so far in your life, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you. However, you should consider your past track record. I was a failure in the boom era, so I now find myself on the crest of a slump.

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, scoffing a Madras curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. The most British thing of all? A suspicion of anything foreign!

The Zoo..

A man visits the zoo. There is nothing there, apart from one dog. It was a Shiatsu.

Old Folks Guidelines...

Apparently, many old folk are quite confused about how they should present themselves. They are unsure about the kind of image that they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in London, New York and Paris inflict upon the world. So I made a bona-fide study of the situation and here are the results.Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do NOT go together:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and thermal underwear

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a beer belly

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a zimmer frame

Skateboarding about common passages.

I was feeling rather nonplussed yesterday, a black depression loomed, and dark steel clouds began to gather above my head. Then, as I glanced out of the window, a teenage skateboarder fell off his board and fractured his collarbone on the kerb. He was in immense pain, and I observed this frightful scenario through the front window, whilst slurping a cup of PG Tips and awaiting an ambulance to transport the youth to the hospital, which is some twenty miles away. Cheered me up no end, I can tell yer!

Chinese Jokey Stuff....

Wan Hung Lo calls work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. my back legs gone, I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Wan Hung Lo, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go my wife and tell her give me make love. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Low calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house – it very rubbery!"

I upset the waitress at the local chinese restaraunt last night. I asked her if she had a dim sun. Apparently, he attends a special school. Oh folly folly foxtrot!


Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them.
Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance.
Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

British Telecom...

BT rang me up and curtly informed me that if I didn’t pay the overdue bill within the next seven days, then I would be disconnected. I told them that “their bill is in a queue”, then I got a crossed line on the phone, the conversation went thus……

"Hi, honeybunch, this is Daddy.... Is your Mummy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Sid." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Sid," "Oh Yes, I have, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now ". “ Okay,'s what I want you do, put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Sid that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" he asks.” Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead.""Oh my God! And what about Uncle Sid?" "He jumped out jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too. Following a long pause which seemed to last an eternity, Daddy sez, "Swimming pool? what swimming pool? Is this 0161 444-9455?"

Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic. Unless you visit my website. Click on then you’ll need a paramedic!

In retrospect....

In retrospect, I'm beginning to think that it's probably not a good concept to allow an eight year-old child work in a turkey de-beaking plant. The poor kid gets home far too late and it interferes with my severe gambling addiction and multi-personality disorder psychotherapy sessions. All this awful mess stems from my childhood, when I suffered a serious allergy to nuts. My father took great pleasure in playing Russian Roulette with me using a bag of Revels. I now have regular appointments with my shrink who has cured my inferiority complex in just a few days. He has come to the conclusion that I am inferior! He reckons that I am in decline, but handling it with tremendous panache!

I was having a beer in my local pub 'The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife' yesterday, when who should wander in, but my next-door neighbour 'Barmy Albert'. He was most upset. Apparently, he got home early from work and found his wife (Ethel) and his bestfriend in bed with each other!" I sez to him "Thats awful, what are you going to do?"He said "I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce forthwith!" "Good for you!" I replied, "You did the right thing, and what did you say to your best friend?" Albert composed himself and with all the dignity he could muster, he replied "Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ..BAD DOG!"
A pal of mine had to attend hospital recently. The consultant advised him after a thorough examination that he had “something very, very rare”. In a state of near panic my friend enquired “ what’s that then?” The consultant replied “A bed”

The National Eczema Association are currently raising funds and making every endeavor to raise both their profile and public awareness of this irritating skin disorder. They have launched a scratch card.

The Way Things Are...

A Somali arrives in Bradford as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Britain for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Indian." The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!" The person says, "I noBritish, I Chinese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Poland, I am not British!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you British ?" She says, "No, I am from Pakistan!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the British?" The Pakistani lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work."

August Bank Holiday 2009

Another bank holiday weekend! 'The Missus wanted a trip out, (I call her "Viking", because she has a face like a Norse!) and on that basis we proceeded to the Mottram Horse and Dog show. What a brilliant day! They had horse trials which ended with five of the horses being found guilty, another great feature was an "Unusual Pet Competition". A fella with a tin of salmon won it. The only event that marred an otherwise perfect day, was when a woman started displaying a measure of unwarranted cruelty toward her baby. It seemed the woman was stressed out by the infants behaviour and she bellowed obscenities and shook her fists in desperation at the sky, whilst trying to enlist sympathy from any passer-by that would grant her an audience. Everyone was totally shocked by this wholly untoward and disconcerting incident, indeed even the little children were flabbergasted by their observations of this most unfortunate and embarrasing situation.

I was about to intervene on this macabre farrago, when the constabulary duly arrived on the scene. The efficient policeman tried to question the woman, but the harridan ranted on about her feckless husband (who then just seemed to pop up out of nowhere) and he joined in the ongoing fracas as well. He was an odd-looking individual with unkempt hair, a huge nose and was attired in a crimson tunic which resembled some manner of strange period costume. The copper, give him his due, was making every endeavour to sort out the dispute, when totally unexpectedly, the blackguard of a husband lashed out at his wife, hitting her full force in the solar plexus region, causing her to keel over. She fell directly on top of the policeman, who in turn collapsed in a heap on top of the husband. I was amazed at what happened next. A crocodile with a string of sausages clamped firmly in his jaws appeared! What a marvellous day!

The Local Gossip Joke.

Elsie Grabknuckle, the local gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the community’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people's business. Several parish members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their distance. She made an error, however, when she accused Albert Slopbucket, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old Land Rover parked in front of The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife public house, one late afternoon. She emphatically told Albert and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Albert, a man of few words, stared at her for a minute, about turned and walked off. He didn't attempt to elaborate, defend, or deny. He said nowt. Much later that night, Albert quietly parked his Land Rover in front of Elsie’s house. He then proceeded to walk home, and left it there all night long.

Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. I say visit my website and strike the pose!You can email me
Labels: Tipula Paludosa Joke

Tipula Paludosa Joke

A further unusual manifestation is the abundance of 'daddy long-legs' (or crane fly or Tipula paludosa even!) that aimlessly coast into windowpanes, they can’t really fly, they just hover about, nonchalantly engaging in an aloof stance, seemingly possessing no sense of direction whatsoever. Are they on a gap year? I find their presence quite disconcerting, especially when partaking in a spot of indoor pole-vaulting perchance. So, last night, I could put up with them no more and decided to eradicate a whole bunch of these annoying creatures. The vacuum cleaner seemed the most perfect weapon to deploy. There I was stealthily stalking around the house with the Dyson at full power, searching for crane flies. I had decided that there would be a total zero tolerance policy with regard to these uninvited pests. None would survive on my watch. The wife (I call her 'Babe' - you've seen the film) looked at me with disdain. "What are you doing?" She enquired. "Chasing daddy long-legs,” I retorted. "Oh! Have you caught any?" She asked. "Yep, three males and four females,” I replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" " Three were on a whisky bottle, four were on the phone."

Chemist Joke

In the local chemist, a geezer asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The lady at the counter said that she herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her sister owned the shop, so there were no male employees. She asked how she could help. The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. She reminded him thatshe was completely professional, observed confidentiality and he could speak with her."This is difficult for me to discuss," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it.""Just a moment", said the pharmacist, " I'll go and have a word with my sister."She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this in great detail. The absolute best we can do is, 25% ownership of the shop, acompany Mercedes, and £6,000 a month living expenses."