As a struggling actor and comedian, who hasn’t worked since last March due to the pandemic lockdown, self oscillation gubbins, I was absolutely thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition. "This part is made for you!” she enthused. "They want someone your age, height and build, with an accent just like yours, plus it's being filmed about ten minutes from your house." "It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?" "It's a BBC Crimewatch reconstruction." "Erm,no! Sorry. I'm really busy that particular day..."
The missus asked me why I was so long at Tesco. I told her: “This bloke lost a £50 note.” “Oh.” She sez, “Were you helping him look for it?” “No.” I replied: “I was stood on it.”
So, now we’re the only country in the world where folk can enter on a rubber dinghy, with no problem whatsoever, but we can't leave the country and if we do it’s a £5,000 fine. Who’d a thowt it!
I phoned tech services and informed them that I had a problem with the interweb paraphernalia and she told me: "Right click on Tools, Accounts and then Internet Options..." I replied: "Hang on! You're going too fast!" She sez: "What have you done up to now?" I replied: "I've written click..."
Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora if she liked Tolstoy. She wholeheartedly agreed that she did. When he pressed her on which story was her favourite, she sez: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!”
Fascinating Fact: To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it!
Two Stalybridge lads were walking down Ashton Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The boys advised him that they couldn’t speak that language either, which prompted the man to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language.” To which his mate replied, “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it!”
I was in the Co-op 'convenience' shop up Scropton Street yesterday, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out. She possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with blistered bunions. When I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.03 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I can't be mithered to count out £18.97?" she replied, whilst simultaneously gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got Zimbabwean dollars, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought sod it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours,dude" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please!"
Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: firstname.lastname@example.org Now, get back to work!