Ladies. Listen Up! Always remember that having a husband is a precious asset, primarily because you will always have someone close to confide in and share all your secrets and gossip with and he will never betray your confidence and tell anybody, because he wasn’t listening in the first place!
My missus can’t remember the password for Facebook that she created just yesterday, but she can remember exactly what I said on February the 12th 2009! She had a go at me last week and sez: “I was talking to you and you yawned seven times!” I admitted: “Those were not yawns. Those were seven unsuccessful attempts to try and get a word in!
Fascinating Fact: Did you know that laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life whereas
laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.
A woman was having an affair and in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s car pulling up on the driveway. “Quick!” she shouted. “Stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him completely with talcum powder. “Don't move until I tell you.” “Pretend that you're a statue, keep perfectly still.” ” 'What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it's a statue.” she replied: ”The Jenkins next door bought one and I liked it so much, I got one for us, too” Not another word was uttered, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am, the husband got up, went down to the kitchenette and returned with a sandwich and a beer. “Here, have this.” he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue. Then he said to the statue: “I stood like that for two days at the Jenkins house and nobody offered me anything!”
Further Fascinating Fact: Did you know that ‘Dammit I’m Mad’ spelled backwards is: ‘Dammit I’m Mad’. Moreover, If you spell the words ‘absolutely nothing’ backwards, you get ‘Gnihton yletulosba’, which ironically means absolutely nothing.
Can the government kindly repair the potholes that I was already taxed to fix, because they are causing damage to the car that I pay annual road tax on. The same car that I purchased with the income that I earn that is already taxed. The same car that sits on the driveway of my house that is now subject to paying double the council tax that I had to cough up last year.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. It's great to see so many new faces today....
Back in 1997, when my daughter Suzie was born, another dad at the Maternity Ward congratulated me and sez: “My son was born yesterday. Maybe they'll marry each other!” Yeah right! Like my daughter is going to marry someone twice her age...
Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Laundrette and Washerama, Elsie Grabknuckle sez: “I have a conundrum for you. How many pickled onions could you eat on an empty stomach?” Non-Stick Nora pondered for a minute and replied: “I reckon maybe three.” Elsie corrected Nora and told her: “No. You could only eat one, because after that, your stomach would no longer be empty.” Nora agreed and sez: “Very clever. I never thought of that.” That night, she asked Barmy Albert: “Hey, I got a riddle for you. How many pickled onions could you eat on an empty stomach?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “Hmmm. I could probably scoff five.” Nora opined: Oh fiddlesticks! If you’d have said three, I had a really funny answer!”
I hate it when you visit someone’s house and they make you take your shoes off at the front door. What really annoys me is that they never ever have a bouncy castle!
Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. For more fascinating factual gubbins, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: ComedianUK@sky.com. Now get back to work!