The Chester Draws Interview....

                                    

I did a gig at a working men's club last weekend, and I spied a member's notice on the board which read: “Due to cutbacks, to save on postage, membership cards will no longer be posted out to members and can now be collected from the club. We have written to all members to inform them of this.

My photo shows me at Granada TV at The Wheeltappers and Shunters Club, with my old mate, Colin Crompton. I wrote a couple of Concert Secretary jokes for him, and they were: “As regards the sign in the gents, which says ‘Wet Paint.’ This is not an instruction!” “We have been informed that there is £5,000 missing from club funds and we shall have a word with the Treasurer, as soon as he gets back from the Caribbean.”

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were arguing about who should brew the tea every morning. Nora reckoned, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our cup of tea.” Albert maintained that: "You are in charge of catering around here, and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my mug of tea." Nora replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the tea." Albert is perplexed by this and sez, "I can't believe that, show me." So, Nora duly fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament, and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed does say: "HEBREWS"

Today, be the surprise onion ring in somebody's French fries…

Intrepid Investigative Reporter Chester Draws was interviewing local Farmer Chalfont-Giles, and asked him: “How much milk does your cow produce?” The farmer replied: “Which one. The black one or the white one? Interviewer: “The black one.” Farmer: “2 litres per day.” Interviewer: “And the white one?” Farmer: “2 litres per day.” Interviewer: “Where do they sleep?” Farmer: “The black one or the White one?” Interviewer: “The black one.” Farmer: “In the Barn.” Interviewer: “And the white one?” Farmer: “In the Barn.” Interviewer: “Your cows look healthy...What do you feed them?” Farmer: “Which one, the black one or the white one?” Interviewer: “Black one.” Farmer: “Grass.” Interviewer: “And the white one?” Farmer: “Grass.” Interviewer: (Getting really annoyed) “But why do you keep on asking if black one or white one when answers are just the same?” Farmer: “Because the black one is mine.” Interviewer: “And the white one?” Farmer: “It's also mine.”

When he made a terrible mistake, or a glaring error, what did the inventor of the drawing board go back to?

                                                   

  

Yesterday, I received an email trying to sell me an old Chinese boat! I decided to put it straight into the Junk folder!

Chuck Norris sauntered up to the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter announced: “Oh wow, Mr Norris, the big guy wants to see you immediately!” So, he gets escorted into meet God, and without missing a beat, Chuck sez: “Before we get started, I just wanna let you know you’re sitting in my chair.” RIP Chuck Norris.

Fascinating Fact: For every pop band where each artist has slipped off this mortal coil, where all those old TV shows watched whose cast members are no longer among the living, with our neighbours, friends and families that get reduced and dissipate more every single day until only the last remaining member remains… Millions recognise your pilgrimage as being a part of our existence in some small way, until they turn their toes up. The last thing my grandad said to me before he passed away was: “Hey! Stop shaking this ladder!”

                                             

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his mother-in-law?

                                            

NCP didn’t want to go into administration, but unfortunately, the Official Receiver's Office had already issued the ticket. Karma eh!

I just spotted young Willy Eckerslyke going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four-leaf clovers, and rabbit's feet. I thought to myself, "He's really pushing his luck!"

After his haircut is finished, Barmy Albert is asked by the barber: “Hair gel, sir?” He replies, “No, no, don't bother. If I smell like that, Non-Stick Nora will think I've been to visit a massage parlour.” Tommy Grabknuckle sez: “You can go ahead and put some hair gel on me—my missus doesn't know what a massage parlour smells like!”

There’s a new cafeteria opened on Scropton Street, so I thought I’d give it a whirl. I grabbed a table and waited for a waitress. But the only one I can see seemed rather nonchalant and somewhat aloof. When she finally sauntered by, I ask, "Can I have a shufty at the menu, please?" Only then does she look at me with a forlorn frown and exclaims, "That’s a private matter. The men I please are none of your business!" Am I existing in an abstract parallel universe?

Showbiz Gossip: John Travolta claims to have been visited by the ghost of Olivia Newton-John. He said she was singing, "You're the one that I haunt."

Fascinating Fact: With all the current kerfuffle in the Middle East, I was really chuffed yesterday when I got a full tank of petrol for £70. Admittedly, it was for the lawnmower, but hey, ho!

 

Barmy Albert staggers home paralytic drunk once again, from darts and dominoes night at The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and rather than arguing, Non-Stick Nora decides to adopt some reverse psychology on him. She wears a skimpy negligee, sits him in an armchair, and gives him a neck and temple massage. Then, she whispers seductively, “It’s getting late, big boy. Why don’t we both go upstairs to bed?” Barmy Albert slurs: “We might as well, because I’m gonna be in big trouble when I get back home anyway!”

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle was asked: “Do you still call your wife ‘Honey’ or ‘Darling’ at your age, and if you do, then what’s the secret?” Tommy replied: “It’s been many years now. I’ve forgotten her name and I’m too afraid to ask her now!” Well, her name is Elsie Grabknuckle, and she preserves endangered species. You should taste her panda jam. It’s delicious!

I’ve often wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds because they don’t know the words…

The missus isn’t speaking to me because apparently, I ruined her birthday. Quite how she has reached this absurd conclusion is totally beyond my comprehension, primarily because I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

Some visitors at the Manchester Museum were marvelling at the dinosaur bones and asked the guard how old the dinosaur bones were. The guard informed them that they were 72 million, three years and 6 months old. The visitor sez: “That’s an awfully exact number. How can you ascertain their age so precisely?” The guard replied: “Well, the dinosaur bones were 72 million years old when I started working here, and that was three and a half years ago….”

Breaking News: A wedding photographer was tragically crushed by a 300lb wheel of cheese that accidentally fell off the catering truck. Apparently, all the guests tried to warn him.

THURSDAY QUIZ:

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: If they flew over the bay they’d be bagels. (If they nicked your chips, they’d be chip Bagels!)



Q) What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his mother-in-law?

A) Nothing. He was Gladiator…

                                   

One smart fellow, he felt smart....

                           

The first repatriation flight out of Dubai has landed at Luton Airport. “It was the scariest thing I’ve ever been through”, said one passenger who’d never seen Luton before.

I’m really worried about my pet parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on. Oh, how I hate my life." The missus is far too selfish to notice. Plus, she’s always busy sobbing her eyes out.

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has relinquished the lease on East Lodge, in addition to Royal Lodge and North Lodge. Should any more revelations become public, King Charles has promised him Travelodge.

A leg of lamb in Tesco has more security than our borders. Who’d a thowt it?

Barmy Albert visited the barbers. As he’s cutting his hair, the barber asks; “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?” Albert duly shrugged and answered: “She’s fine.” Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?” Now he’s getting annoyed, but he replied: “I’ve told you twice already, she’s okay.” A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, Albert, how is your mother-in-law doing?” He finally snapped: “Dude, I already told you three times—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?” He chuckles and sez: “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”

Fascinating Fact: It took 20 years to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. Just over a week to replace Khamenei with Khamenei. Trump is very efficient

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle attended the hospital, where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back, where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs Grabknuckle is 83 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor calmly continued to scribble on his clipboard, and, without looking up, he exclaimed: "Yes, but does she still have the hiccups?"

                       

  

Non-Stick Nora discovered that there wasn't much in the pantry for dinner, so she decided to improvise. She made a Risotto with mushrooms she found growing in the backyard. Not only was it delicious, but shortly after eating this delicious dish, an Irish male voice choir of purple Elephants showed up and sang every song from Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell album, accompanied by a laser light show. Fascinating!

As I get older, I don't really sleep anymore. It's more of a doze between pee breaks.

Intrepid Investigative Reporter Chester Draws was compiling an article on the bushfires in the High Peak, and the smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good photographic shots. Hence, he frantically called his editor at the newspaper to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at Manchester Airport. As soon as he got to the airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot turned the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said Chester, "and make three or four low-level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said Chester with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause, the pilot replied:  "Wait! You mean you're not the instructor?"    OOOPS!

                             

The One Finger Challenge....

                                                     

Last week, the Iranian Naval Command decided to inspect its fleet. They have hired a glass-bottom boat.

Grateful passengers on the Emirates repatriation flight from Dubai to Manchester last week were so happy to be back that they had a whip-round for the driver.

I did an unusual gig last week. It was a comedy night for deaf folk. The format was that I go onstage, and all my act is translated by a visual sign language interpreter who stands alongside me and virtually delivers my jokes to the audience using hand signs. For the first few minutes, it wasn’t getting much response; however, after about three jokes, they were all chortling their socks off, and I eventually received a standing ovation. After the show, I confided in the interpreter that I was worried at first, but the whole audience broke into howls of laughter after the first few gags. With all the decorum that he could rally, he confessed that because my first three or four jokes died a death, he started doing his own material after that!

                           

  

The atmosphere was most sombre when Non-Stick Nora asked the doctor how the patient was faring. The physician informed her, "Well, he's had a massive heart attack, and also sustained several bone fractures." Nora opined: "Can I talk to him?" The doctor sez: "No, unfortunately, that's not possible right now. But if you want to tell him anything, I can pass it along." Nora replied: "Could you ask him if I passed my driving test?"

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove they are not robots. Who’d a thowt it!

I started whispering at home, and my wife asked why. I told her I didn't want Mark Zuckerberg to hear us. I laughed, my wife laughed, Alexa laughed, and Siri laughed.

                               

  

Many moons ago, when Barmy Albert worked on a farm, his wife got fed up with him and ended the relationship. As a tractor driver, he was most upset when he received a John Deere letter from her. Following an acrimonious divorce, which cost him his house and all his savings, he developed a massive hatred for lawyers. Years later, as a truck driver, he was driving along when he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up. The priest clambered into the passenger seat, and Albert continued driving. Suddenly, he spotted the lawyer who handled his ex-wife's matrimonial affairs jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. "Surely I can't run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!" he thought. Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. Barmy Albert pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard a satisfying "Thud!" "Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?" Albert asked, pretending to wake up suddenly. "No, you missed him," exclaimed the priest. "But don’t worry, I got him with the door."

Apparently, Happy Mondays’ Shaun Ryder thinks the world is a human zoo and that we are taking part in an alien experiment. Look, it could be true. I visited Norfolk last week.

Old age is when your body gives your brain a list of stuff that it’s not prepared to do anymore. However, one must remain positive with regard to this unfortunate situation. Yesterday, I inadvertently fell down the stairs, and instead of becoming frustrated, I said to myself: “Gee Whizz! That’s the fastest I’ve moved in decades!”

                                           

  

Breaking News: A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool. Police said that the road will be closed for about five minutes!

Fascinating Fact: Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Push a man into a volcano and the Sun God will ensure a bountiful harvest this season…
                               

The Singing Window Cleaner...

                                                        

I just had the police knock at my door; they said that they wanted to interview me. I don’t remember applying for a job. They asked where I was between 7 and 11. I told them that I was at Armitage Street Primary School. All this kerfuffle because the wife’s been missing for a fortnight, and the police called this morning, and they’ve told me to expect the worst. So, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back…

To the person who stole my Scalextric. What goes around…

Barmy Albert was in the locker room of his golf club when a mobile phone on the table rang, and Albert engaged the hands-free speaker function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Albert: “Hello.” A woman answers: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” Albert: “Yes.” The woman continues: “I’m at the Trafford Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?” Albert: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.” The woman replies, “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2026 models. I saw one I really liked.” Albert sez: “How much?” The woman sighed and told him: “£95,000.” Albert thinks for a moment and tells her: “Okay, but for that kinda money, I want it with all the bells and whistles.” The mysterious lady carries on: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £450,000.” Albert sniffed and replied: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but you'd better offer £440K.” The woman is ecstatic and exclaims, “Right-Ho, I’ll see you later! I love you to the moon and back!” Albert sez: “Bye-bye, Gawjus. I love you, too.” Albert then hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he chortles and shouts, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle visits the doctor and says "Doctor, you need to help me; my brother thinks he's a chicken". The doctor advised: “Why don't you just have him committed to a lunatic asylum?” Elsie replied, "I would, but I need the eggs."

Does anyone know what tea they drink in Greece and Turkey? Every time I offer to make the missus a coffee, she tells me, “I’d rather have Aegean tea.”#

                                  

To the person who stole my glasses. I have contacts…

Fascinating Fact: I’ve only got two, maybe three good Motown puns left in me. Four tops.

I was asked if I wanted to join a Swingers club. I was a tad apprehensive because I haven’t been on a swing since I was 10 years old. For the last decade, I've definitely been on the slide though, albeit in a roundabout fashion. I spotted two policemen hiding underneath the see-saw. Apparently, they’d been tipped off!

Upon attempting a very complex Heston Blumenthal recipe, I asked the butcher, "Have you got any wild ducks?" "No," he replied, "but I've got one that gets really annoyed when I prod it with a wooden skewer."

Exercise and diet programme all–in-one! Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Hey Presto! - Aerobix!!

There was the most abominable racket outside yesterday. Upon inspection, I discovered that it was the window cleaner jumping up and down in a rage, whilst shouting, ranting and uttering a stream of Elizabethan expletives outside my house. I think he's lost his rag. He’s a singing window cleaner. His name is Chamois Davies Junior.

                                   

  

Chester Draws and the paraffin lamp...

I wager that Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is definitely sweating now! After being arrested on his 66th birthday, he mistakenly assumed that the female police officer was a kissogram! The King has made arrangements for alternative accommodation for him. However, whether Wormwood Scrubs has adequate stable facilities, or they serve a smoked salmon and caviar hors-d'œuvre before one's main course, still remains unanswered. He also needed to know if a butler and valet would be appointed, and if it gets cold, will they put another bar on?
            

So, this unkempt, scruffy bloke saunters into Scropton Street Hardware Shop and asks the proprietor, Chester Draws, for a bottle of methylated spirits. Chester refuses to serve him and tells him in no uncertain terms: “I know your type! You’ll get the meths and take it outside and sit on my doorstep and drink it and make a right mess, and I’m the poor unfortunate mug who has to clean it all up! No. Get out. I’m not serving you!” The unkempt bloke is most upset by this tirade of abuse and tells Chester that he’s been to rehab and received counselling, and he’s on the straight and narrow now. He’s got his own bedsit that he plans to paint and decorate, and he only wants the methylated spirits to clean his brushes. Chester Draws is totally embarrassed by his incandescent outburst; he apologises profusely and gets a bottle of meths and sez to the guy: “I’m truly sorry for my comments. Here you are. That’ll be £2.64 please.” The scruffy geezer gazed at Chester with a saturnine grimace and asked: “Have you not got a cold one?”

"Do you really have to lick the knife?" a woman asked the man standing next to her. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit," he answered, laughing like a drain. "Lots of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes," she replied, "but not during surgery, doctor."

The missus curtly informed me that to have a tranquil home, we have to leave our problems at the door. Now she’s mad at me for locking her out! That’s when the fight started!

At Scropton Street High School, the sarcastic teacher asked the class: “If there are any total morons in the room, please stand up.” After a long pause, young Woody Eckerslyke rose to his feet. “Now then, young Woody. Why do you consider yourself to be a total moron?” With all the decorum that he could rally, Woody replied: “Well, I don’t. But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself!”

Non-Stick Nora was speeding in her little red Ford Focus when a blonde police officer pulled her over on the M67. The efficient policewoman asked Nora for her driving licence. Nora rummaged through her handbag and became quite agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The officer replied: “It’s oblong and has your photograph on it.” Nora discovered a small mirror in her handbag and duly handed it over. “Here it is.” She exclaimed. The blonde officer looked at it the mirror and sez: “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realise you were a police officer…”

                               

 

I very nearly got run over by a council salt-spreading lorry last night. I remonstrated by shouting: “You absolute idiot!” Albeit through gritted teeth.

A bloke who took British Airways to court because they mislaid his luggage has lost his case. Whereas, a neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

In life, there are only two things to worry about: whether you are in fine fettle or you are poorly sick. If you're fit, fine, wonderful & well, then there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If your back legs have gone, there are only two things to worry about: whether you will get better or whether you'll turn your toes up. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about whatsoever. If you're going to snuff it, you have only two things to worry about: whether you go to heaven or whether you go to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you arrive in hell, you'll meet all your mates from The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife there, you'll feel very much at home, so why worry?

                                             

 

Barmy Albert’s Ten-Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House....

                                             

In a nutshell, the 2026 Winter Olympic Games held in Milano Cortina consist of 16 different ways of sliding. Personally, I’d want it all gritting before I went down those perilous slopes.

When I was young, I always reckoned that only wealthy folk owned a Bose music system, whereas we skint members of society had Sony products. I now realise that they were just stereotypes….

My dietician advised me that I’m eating too much junk food, my dentist told me that I’m brushing my teeth incorrectly, and my personal trainer sez that I’m exercising wrong. However, when I went into the wine store to purchase a bottle of fine Argentinian Malbec, the sommelier geezer told me I’d made an excellent choice!

Valentine's Day! Got the missus a new bag and a matching belt. The Vacuum cleaner works fine now. While I’m talking about ladies' handbags, I went to the Trafford Centre and she asked me to hold it while she tried a new gansy on. When this occurs, what do us blokes do? Am I supposed to own it and strike a pose, or hold it at arm's length so everyone knows it’s not mine? Wife: Can you look in my handbag and bring me my purse? Every man ever brings the entire handbag.

Fascinating Fact: In middle age, the growth of a woman's hair on her legs slows down, which allows her more time to care for her newly acquired moustache.



Men often misinterpret exactly what women are endeavouring to convey. Women are very fickle, and us blokes should exercise extreme caution! Now read on: Non-Stick Nora phoned Barmy Albert the other day, and the conversation went thus:

Nora: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”

Albert; “What about it?”

Nora; “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”

Albert: “Right, I’ve done that”

Nora: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”

Albert: “I can see that, yeah.”

Nora: “Just behind him, two gladiators are having a sword fight with each other!”

Albert: “Okay, I see them.”

Nora: “Well, behind them two, on the left-hand side of the screen, a gladiator is guarding the gate holding a spear.”

Albert: “Yes! I can see him!”

Nora: Can you see his feet?

Albert: Yes, I can!

Nora: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”

                           

 



Barmy Albert’s Ten-Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House:

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Always work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. Many fine tools are there, it’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. Moreover, beer is in the fridge!

5. If it's technology or electronic, either get a new one or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple-minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try switching it off, then turning it on again; or merely paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the Apple iPad while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, cursing, splattering, smashing, battering and throwing sometimes
does help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, that's the end of skydiving.