The Andy Burnham Shapeshifting Shenanigans....

                                     

Should it still be called a Bank Holiday now that all the banks are shut? In my humble opinion, it should be renamed Vape Shop or Turkish Barber Holiday Monday. We could also have Tattoo Shop Tuesday. I used to be an atheist, but I gave it up because I wasn’t getting any holidays

There's an old chestnut joke about Andy Burnham that has been recycled since he started making eyes at No. 10. A Blairite, a Brownite, a Milibandite, a Starmerite, an insider, and an outsider walk into The Pitt bull and Stanley Knife pub. The landlord asks: “What are you having, Andy?”. Burnham is such a maestro of political shapeshifting shenanigans that he could walk down the road and turn into a street!

Meanwhile, back at Nicholls Ardwick High School, I fondly recollect asking my maths teacher if I would ever use algebra when I grew up. He curtly informed me that I wouldn’t, but one of the clever kids might. I have since concluded that divorce is much akin to algebra. Primarily because you look at the X and think Y?

Prince Harry went to see his dad to reconcile their differences and they were getting along famously until Charles asked him if he wanted a cup of tea. Harry said “Yes please, Father.”. He then asked: “Would you like a biscuit?” Harry sez: “Yes, please”. Charles replied: “Ginger? That’s when it all kicked off again!

                       

  

A woman who only speaks Spanish saunters into Primark. She walks over to a sales assistant and asks: "Donde estan los calcetines?" The assistant doesn't speak Spanish but tries to help her anyway. He holds up a T-shirt saying, "Is this what you need?" She shakes her head, frowning. Next, he holds up a pair of pantaloons, and she shakes her head again. After 5 or 6 attempts, he finally holds up a pair of socks, looking exasperated. The woman smiles and sez: "Eso si que es!" The assistant pulls a saturnine grimace and replies: "If you knew how to spell it, why didn't you start with that in the first place?"

Thieves broke into Barmy Albert's garden last night and stole all his astro turf. Non-Stick Nora saw him this morning looking forlorn...

I shouted the missus and told her: "I've broken a glass in the kitchenette" She replied: "Don’t worry. I'm coming with the broom". I exclaimed: "it's not that urgent, you can come on foot." That’s when the fight started!

Questions about EV’s that require answering: Do you need a current licence to drive an electric car?
Do they store enough power to get Ohm?

                               

Last night on Channel 4, I watched a shocking documentary whilst sitting with both my feet behind my head. It made for some very uncomfortable viewing.

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Barmy Albert, the caretaker, was left sitting outside. Finally, it was his turn to be summoned. Albert entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table. Albert was instructed to stand at the other end of the table. The Chairman looked Albert squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked: "Have you ever had hanky-panky with my secretary, Miss Scroggins?" "Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Albert affirmed. "Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman. "Honestly, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!" "You'd swear to that...?""Yes, I swear I've never had any slap and tickle with Miss Scroggins, anytime, anywhere, not no how, not never ever…" insisted Barmy Albert. "Good. Then YOU fire her!”

                                

The bloke who invented the hot tub...

                       

I’ve noticed that petrol pumps are much more advanced and faster than they used to be. It used to take me two minutes to reach sixty quid, but now I can do it in 25 seconds! Well done, petrol stations!

After a dodgy curry, the night before, Barmy Albert attended the weekly darts and dominoes competition at his local pub, the Pitt Bull and Stanly Knife. He was suddenly stricken with the urge to visit the Gents' khazi forthwith. In his desperation, he kicked the cubicle door open, dropped his pants and took his seat upon the lavatorial throne. With eyes like burning embers, he glanced down, only to see a pair of plimsolls betwixt his legs. The plimsolls were attached to a pair of legs. He gingerly stood up, only to discover young Willy Eckerslyke already ensconced upon the toilet! Albert was thoroughly embarrassed and apologised profusely. “Oh, I didn’t see you sitting there.” Declared Albert. Young Willy replied: “I didn’t think that you did, that’s why I pulled your trousers back up!”

I applied to be a TV Reporter. I asked: “What do I have to do?” They said, “Just shout inane and stupid questions at folk going in and out of number 10 Downing Street.”

Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora that his mate Jack was the bloke who invented the hot tub. Nora replied: “Jack? Who’s he?”

Fascinating Fact: The United Kingdom is made up of two population groups: The 99% or the 1%. These are made up of the people who want Starmer to resign or support him. You either belong to one, or you are the one!

                                             

  

The missus left me just over a fortnight ago. She said the reason for her abrupt departure was my obsession with Sinead O’ Connor. In fact, it’s been seven hours and 15 days.

Non-Stick Nora was talking to Chester Draws, who is a very famous lawyer. She asked him what his fees were. He told her, “I charge £300 for three questions.” Nora was shocked. She replied: “Wow! That’s pretty expensive, isn’t it?” Chester sez: “Yes, indeed it is. Now what's your third question?”

Two Scousers are riding a tandem just outside Liverpool and inadvertently hit a pothole, which rendered their bicycle in need of repair. So, they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Scousers ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they can fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back, and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time, the trucker speeds up. Sure enough, a blonde police traffic officer pulls him over for exceeding the speed limit. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which he jokingly replies, "Scouse eggs." The blonde lady cop obviously doesn't believe this, so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and, shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup and a SWAT team. The operator asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers. "I stopped a Trailer with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it. Two have hatched, and they've already nicked a bicycle!"

                        

Meanwhile, in a muddy meadow...

                                                                

After a thorough thrashing in last week's elections, Sir Kier Starmer asked: “Tell me the truth. Am I totally out of touch with the common man?” “Maybe a little.” Replied his butler. Starmer continued: “I jeer and mock, but my mouth is so full of lobster, Beluga caviar and vintage champagne that I start coughing and almost choke. His butler patted him on the back a few times, and Starmer wheezed, “Don’t manhandle my supreme being, without your Marigolds on!”



I took the missus to see Hamilton. She didn’t enjoy it at all. She thought it was all quite appalling.
They lost 4-0 to Partick Thistle. Other disappointing results were East Fife 5. Forfar 4, so far. Cowdenbeath 2. - Corned Beef 1. West Ham 1 – Boiled Ham 2. In an effort to make things right and get in her good books, I booked us a nice table for two. Turns out that she doesn’t like snooker either. That’s when the fight started!



Barmy Albert had a shunt in his car. When the police arrived, he claimed the woman he hit was entirely to blame. “She was on the phone and drinking a glass of wine at the time. Can you believe it!” With all the dignity that he could muster, the copper replied: “She can do whatever she wants in her own conservatory!”



What pronouns do donkeys go by? He/Haw. What do Blackpool donkeys get for lunch? Half an hour, like everyone else.

                                            

Meanwhile, in a muddy meadow, a pig was lounging about beside a donkey and suddenly declared, “I don’t know how you cope with it all. There you are, up at the crack of dawn, hauling huge loads, grinding grain, dragging a heavy plough through the rough soil, and when the sun goes down, all they feed you is a lump of grass. Whereas I spend my days like a Labour politician with my snout in the trough, eating till I’m full, napping whenever I want to and wallowing around without a care in the world. It sure feels good not being in your hooves.” The donkey glanced at him with a saturnine grimace and replied: “Yeah, right. The pig that was here last year said the exact same thing, and so did Kier Starmer!”

                                       

Thursday Quiz: Q) What seven-letter word starts with ‘egg’ and ends in ‘soup’?

A) Chicken. B) Eggsoup.



Non-Stick Nora was at Stalybridge Station and stepped up to the kiosk to buy her ticket. Nearby, there is a couple hugging and tearfully saying goodbye. Nora says to the clerk in the kiosk: “You must have witnessed a lot of sad good-byes. What was the saddest goodbye you’ve ever seen?” The clerk thought for a moment and sez: “It was a soldier saying good-bye to his dog.” Nora exclaimed: “Really! Where was the dog going?”


I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 is. He said, “No.”


An elephant escaped from the zoo, and a few hours later, the police station received a phone call from a nearby small village. “A huge rat is standing in my vegetable garden, and it’s tearing up my cabbage with its tail!” The desk sergeant replied: “Calm down! Now what is it doing with the cabbage?” The caller said: “You’re not going to believe this…”



LADIES! Listen Up! You must exercise extreme caution in the ladies' toilet in any restaurant. All the dates that I’ve taken out for a meal have visited the loo and never returned! Spooky or what?

                               
                                                                        

Starmer on toast....

                                           

Today is polling day! I am aware that I’ve said previously in this column that Starmer is toast, but this week it will definitely happen. If it doesn't happen this week, then it’ll most certainly be next week or next month. Next year, Starmer will be a memory, lost in the sands of time. And if he isn’t, then he will be in due course, or the week after that. Vote Imbecile! Because you’ll get one anyway! You read it here first, folks!

On Bank Holiday Monday, I prepared a nice, healthy tuna salad. Unfortunately, I had to improvise a bit. I didn't have any tuna, so I substituted it with quarter-pound beef burgers. Moreover, I didn't have any salad, so I used triple-fried oven chips. I also ate a whole French baguette and my stomach really hurt. I now know the meaning of the word pain. We couldn’t watch Lassie on telly, because it was ban collie day. It’s all political correctness gone mad! The woke agenda is continuing apace!

                                     

 

My father always used to say, "The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more." Fantastic bloke, but a terrible anaesthetist. When I was a plastic surgeon, I made a huge mistake with one female patient. When she spotted it, I’ll never forget the expression on her elbow!

Non-Stick Nora went to KFC drive-thru to grab the grandkids summat to eat. They wanted a kids’ meal with a leg, so at the window, she sez: “Kids’ meal with a leg.” The lady on the intercom asked, “Sure, which side?” Nora was dumbfounded and just sat there in complete silence, trying to process this life-changing question. Finally, after an awkward silence, Nora opined:  “Erm…I guess the right side? I don’t really know the difference.” She erupts into laughter and says, “No, Honey. Which side do you want with the leg? Fries, mashed potatoes or wedges?” At this juncture, she threw her hands in the air and said... "Lord, please, take the wheel. It’s been a long day!"

A police traffic officer pulled a car over for speeding on the M67. When he asked the driver why he was in such a hurry, the geezer explained he was a juggler on his way to perform at the Glossop Circus and didn’t want to be late. The efficient copper sez, "I've always been fascinated by juggling. If you put on a little show for me, I'll let you off with just a warning." The juggler got out, lit four torches, and began juggling right there on the hard shoulder. During his performance, another car pulled up behind the police car. A drunk bloke staggered out, walked straight over to the patrol car, opened the back door, and climbed in. The policeman went over, opened the door, and asked, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail now, because there’s no way I’m passing that test!"

                                                         

Riddle me this: If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed. Well, I’m gabberflasted by it all!

I could tell that I was getting old when I started fancying the women in the adverts for affordable cremation plans. I’m losing the plot!

Fascinating Fact: Karl Marx had a sister named Onya, who was the inventor of the starting pistol...

Barmy Albert went to Blackpool, and when he was on The Big One roller coaster, he had brought some spare nuts and bolts. As it started clambering upwards, he tapped Non-Stick Nora on the shoulder and exclaimed, “Nora! These just fell out of the back of your seat.”

                 

Elsie, the benevolent barmaid....

                   

Manchester Police are on the hunt for a drag queen who robbed a High Street Jewellery Shop. They have ascertained that he's a local man with a Wigan address.

Non-Stick Nora was eavesdropping on a conversation in The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub between two car mechanics discussing the benefits of swapping over the wheels of a car from left to right. Apparently, this helps reduce the tyre tread wear. Now, Nora herself doesn’t have a car, but she did notice that the heel of her right shoe was wearing out much faster than the heel of her left shoe. Ever since she started wearing her right shoe on her left foot and her left one on her right foot, she’s really noticed her shoes wearing down equally. Nora reckons it’s a real money saver, although it makes sauntering up Scropton Street back snicket a little bit more arduous and attracts much unwanted attention from many amused passers-by.

A clown wanders into The Pitt Bull and Stanley-Knife pub, and his general demeanour really is quite appalling. He asks the barmaid for a beer, but tells her he’s skint and won't be able to pay for it. Elsie, the benevolent barmaid, takes one look at his fizzog and decides he needs it. "Sure, mate. You look awful. Wanna talk about it?" The clown downed the pint and replied: "Gadzooks! Today is the worst day of my entire life. I'm in town for the comedy festival, but my Joke Gopher was stolen, my show was cancelled, my hotel reservation was cancelled because of the show, and my bank accounts have been frozen!" He slumps in his seat and shakes his head. Elsie, the barmaid, pours him another beer. "Wow, that's a really awful day. Pardon my ignorance, but what's a Joke Gopher?" The clown shakes his head again. "Not much these days, or I wouldn't be begging for drinks!" Poor clown. I wouldn’t like to be in his shoes. Altogether, fifty-two clowns attended the festival, and they all arrived in the same car! Apparently, when the clown's wife was in labour, he read her some of his jokes to distract her from the pain of the contractions, but she wasn’t amused. It must’ve been the delivery…

                           

At the comedy festival, there was the annual joke competition, and the prize was £100. The winning gag was submitted by comedian Joe King and went as follows: “Two hunters are out in the jungle, when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other bloke whips out his phone and called the emergency services. He exclaimed: “My friend is dead! What should I do?” The operator replied: “Calm down. I can help. First of all, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence. Then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy sez: “Okay. Now what?”

Fascinating Fact; Dyslexics are teople poo…

Barmy Albert pulled up a stool in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and declared: Non-Stick Nora must love me more than any woman has loved any man on this planet!” Young Willy Eckerslyke asked him: “Whatever makes you say that, Albert?” Albert beamed with pride and announced: “Last week, I had the flu and had to take a few sick days off work. She was so thrilled to have me at home that whenever the milkman called in the morning, she’d sprint down the driveway frantically waving her arms and yelling: “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

My photo shows Sir Kier Starmer taking appropriate advice and discussing the security vetting regarding the appointment of Lord Mandelson as US Ambassador. What could possibly go wrong?

                         

Parting is such sweet sorrow. I am away on holiday for the next fortnight, and this column will reappear sometime in May. You can still have a chortle by visiting my Jokey-Bloggington via my website: Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and exercise your guffaw glands!

                         

  

Trump maintains that intelligence played no role in his decision to start the war....

                                            

I met this gangster in Manchester who had a speech impediment and the unfortunate habit of pulling up the back of folks' undergarments as a practical joke. His name was Wedgie Kway. He couldn’t pronounce his ‘F’s or ‘T’s, so he couldn’t say fairer than that!

The police knocked on Wedgie Kway's door in a dawn raid one morning last week. “Do the letters Z or B mean anything to you?” They asked. “No,” he told them.” “What about G or K then?” “Nope, means nowt to me,” he answered. “How about A and P?” “Look,” Wedgie replied, “Am I suspected of something?” “No, sir.” They said, “These are just our initial enquiries.”

Yesterday, I just popped out to post a padded envelope full of classical music. ...Bach in a Jiffy!

BREAKING NEWS: Trump maintains that intelligence played no role in his decision to start the war.

Unfortunately, the cost of living has finally caught up with me, and I’m going to have to make radical changes I never could have imagined. So, in order to offset the extra costs for food and fuel, I have to make some extra money on the side. I'm now proud to announce that I'm selling adult toys. I hope no one feels embarrassed about asking for them. I have all kinds, sizes, and styles according to your needs. I can send pictures and dimensions, etc. I have everything you need. Zimmer frames -Wheelchairs (Electric or manual) -Oxygen Respirators -Walking canes -Defibrillators- Tena Pads and suppositories plus much more. All delivered discreetly in a brown paper parcel!

   

Fascinating Fact: The human brain is an amazing organ. It keeps on working 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, 52 weeks a year, from when you are born, right up until you vote Labour!

I have been attempting to get rid of all the clutter in the house this week, and flogging stuff off at car boot sales and on the Yorkshire internet auction site ‘Ebay-Gum’ in a desperate attempt to accumulate valuable Wetherspoon tokens. The house looks quite ‘minimalist’ now, primarily coz its empty! Because of this unfortunate farrago, an excuse was urgently required, so I have told everybody that I have suddenly developed a profound interest in the art of feng shui. Feng shui is a discipline with guidelines that are compatible with many techniques of agricultural planning as well as internal furniture arrangements. It's all to do with your Yings and your Yangs, which, to the layman, are positive and negative influences and all that manner of magnetic activity in the ether and beyond. I suppose that you would never consider that a couch potato like me would study an ancient art like Feng-Shui, but dear reader, you would be wrong. If you pop round to my house, you would notice that all the chairs face the telly! My house is also near a pub and a betting shop, so this constitutes perfect harmony. Geomagnetism is a basic component of feng shui. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth, and personal relationships. This is where the pub and the betting shop come in.

                 

  

Stress is such a prolific factor in our lives now that in America (where else?) you can employ a professional worrier. It’s catching on here in the United Kingdom as well. These professional worriers charge five hundred quid per week, and for this exorbitant fee, they will do all your worrying for you, thus leaving you with a totally stress-free environment. I thought that this was such an awesome concept that I have employed three of these so-called professional worriers to come and work for me on a personal basis. Of course, you are probably thinking how I can afford fifteen hundred pounds per week? Well, the simple answer is, I can’t. But I’ll let the worriers worry about that! 

                     

When the Jehovah's Witnesses call....

                                           

Ladies! Listen up! You say that you want to meet a man who’s funny and spontaneous. However, when you rap on their window at midnight wearing a clown costume, suddenly, it’s all screaming and throwing a tantrum and police sirens and restraining orders!

Fascinating Fact: Did you know the first French city to have more than one public toilet was Toulouse...

The good news is that the Americans are going to the moon. The bad news is, there's only room for four of them on the spaceship.

Storm Dave has been re-named after a mistake at the Meteorological Office. It's actually Storm Rodney......

                                                          

TOP TIP: When the Jehovah's Witnesses call, engage them in conversation, but whatever they say, pretend you’re talking to a local councillor and complain about the bins not being emptied, potholes in the road, dog poo on the pavement, and not cutting the grass verges anymore. They’ll think you’re pots for rags and soon have it away on their toes.

I want to advise all my readers that if anyone wants any copies of Osteopath Weekly, I have back issues....

When he made a terrible mistake, or a glaring error, what did the inventor of the drawing board go back to?

With the price of fuel these days, I thought I'd do a runner from the garage. So, I put in £50 worth and drove off without paying. Got caught, though. I'd run out of petrol before I left the forecourt.

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. God greets him warmly and says, "Albert, we are all very impressed with your life's work. As a reward, you can ask me for anything you want to know."
Einstein says, "I spent my entire life trying to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity, but I never succeeded. Please, can you show me the true formula that governs the entire universe?"
"Of course," God smiles, and conjures a chalkboard covered in an incredibly complex equation.
Einstein studies the massive formula intently. Suddenly, he points at a section and gasps, "Wait... there's a mistake right here!" God nods, "I know."



I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his fave holiday was, and he told me: “Has to be Easter, baby…”



As Non-Stick Nora’s son proudly handed her a new grandchild, she asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old kid and a duckling. Somewhat perplexed, he replied: “No. What?” Nora chuckled: “One is a whiny toddler, whereas the other is a tiny waddler!”



Barmy Albert sauntered into The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and shouted: “All Manchester United fans are wankers!” This huge bloke at the bar shouted: “I take offence at that!” Albert asked him, “Are you a Manchester United fan?” He replied: “No! I’m a Wanker!”
                                                     

Barmy Albert was being interviewed for the position of Tripe Gouger at Scropton Street Abbatoir and was asked by the boss: “What’s been your greatest achievement in your current job?” Albert told him that he was responsible for several new guidelines in the employee handbook. The boss says: ”That’s most impressive! What inspired you to create those guidelines?” With all the decorum he could rally, Albert replied: “That’s not what I said….”



Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his doctor, who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly for the first time in a long time. A month later, he was back for a follow-up consultation. The doctor pronounced, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"