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Monday, 24 January 2022

Titanic Survivors Reunion...

 

                                                    




Today is a milestone! Yes, folks, you have no need to wear a mask anymore. It’s as safe as houses. Yesterday, schools and supermarkets were dangerous and masks had to be worn. Today, there’s no problem whatsoever. You can also ditch your Covid passports because the virus knows exactly what day it is! Who’d a thowt it! As you were. Learn to live with it. We’re all in this together. Omincron or Glossop Chron? You choose!



One idiot equals one idiot. Two idiots are equal to two idiots. Thousands of idiots are Boris Johnson’s Tory Party, with the accent on PARTY! .



So I sez to the vicar: “This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?” He replied: “It’s Norman.” I sez: “Sorry, Norman. This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?”



Whilst visiting my daughter last night, I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, Dad" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!



I often wonder if women ever ponder and think: “My man really does seem to be quite intelligent and is an absolute mine of valuable information. Perhaps I should just remain silent and listen to him a lot more...”

                                                       



My grandad predicted the sinking of the Titanic. He told folk it was doomed afore it actually sailed! Did anyone take any notice? No! They all totally ignored him. In the end, he was thrown out of the cinema!



I sez to the missus:"Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage" "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...." That’s when the fight started!



Barmy Albert reckons he’s a strong man, yesterday he was bragging to Non-Stick Nora that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Nora,

telling her that she possessed the strength of a ninepenny rabbit! After several minutes, she had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" she said. "I will bet you your months pension money that I can haul summat in a wheelbarrow over to that shed that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on!” Albert replied, "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Nora reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to Albert, she shouted: "All right. Get in!"



WEATHER WARNING! Southerners: Snow, ice and blizzards are expected at weekend, so you are advised not to travel. Northerners: You'll need your big coat....

                             



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

 

 



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!
                                                        



Wednesday, 12 January 2022

I have a Delorean, but I only drive it from time to time....

                                   

Worrying days ahead as Boris Johnson waits to find out if inquiry ordered by Boris Johnson finds that Boris Johnson attended a party at Boris Johnson’s house. A Sue Gray suitcase full of wine will be awarded to the winner!

   

                               




I was just informed that 1970 and 2021 are just as far apart as 1970 and 1919. I had to sit down and digest this information for a few minutes. It’s a bit like that U-Bend at the back of the toilet. I just can’t get me head round it!



Non-Stick Nora went to a job interview up Scropton Street abattoir: The manager asked her: "What are your strengths?" Nora replied: "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." The manager went on and sez: "Can you give me an example?" Nora told him: "Yes, when do I start?"



Fascinating Fact: Nelson was 5’4” tall. His statue in London is 16 feet tall. That’s Horatio of 3:1



The missus has left me because of my obsession with supermarkets. It didn't help when I asked if she needed any help with her packing. The argument started when I informed her that sex is much better when on holiday. In retrospect, it wasn’t the best thing to write on a postcard.


                               




My good deed is already done for the New Year! Yesterday, at the supermarket checkout, I was behind an older lady in the queue. Her total came to £45.62, but when she tried to pay, her card was out of date and therefore declined. I've had a decent 2021 financially and also thought about my mum and hoped that someone would have helped her out in a similar scenario. The lady didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves. Let's try and help each other out more in 2022.



                                        



99 year old Tommy Grabknuckle lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the banister with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.    His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon. ”Sod off'” she sez, “They’re for the funeral!”



So I sez to the vicar: “This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?” He replied: “It’s Norman.” I sez: “Sorry, Norman. This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?” 

                      




Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                               




Saturday, 8 January 2022

The blunt end of a Rag & Bone man's bugle....

 

                                      




I’ve decided to have a damp January 2022, primarily because I can’t fully commit to a dry one! I've ordered a case of Sauvignon Blanc...



Even this long after Christmastide, the missus is still not talking to me. But honestly, how was I supposed to know she didn't mean gift vouchers for the Spar?



Non Stick Nora’s grandchild is three years old and yesterday she took her shopping. When she got home, the kid had a chocolate bar in her pocket. Now, Nora didn't buy it and the kid certainly didn't buy it, so Nora frogmarched her straight back to the shopping centre and let her loose in the jewellers…



Last night, I was practicing my trumpet and yodelling a rendition of: “My Old Kentucky Home” when the missus suddenly waltzed in and declared: ‘Oh, I thought it was on the television.” A tad flattered, I sez: “Did you come in to listen?” “No”, she curtly informed me, “I was going to switch it off!” The bloke over the road came across and told me that the song had indeed brought a tear to his eye. I asked him: “Are you an old Kentuckian?” He replied: “No. I’m a musician!” The following night all the other neighbours broke my windows, so they could hear me better. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                                            



A classified advert in this very newspaper last week: For Sale: One George Foreman Grill and Griddle and one Muhammad Ali DVD. Both boxed! You couldn’t make it up! Could you?



Teenager Willy Eckerslyke had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your flamin’ haircut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "So you’ve brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm annoyed that you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” His dad replied: "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

                             



British Telecom rang me yesterday and curtly informed yours truly that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next seven days, they were going to disconnect the phone. I sez to ‘em, “Your bill is in a queue!”





Moreover, on the plus side of my domestic outgoings, British Gas let me know that I have the best gas and electricity bills on my street. It’s true! They have said that both are outstanding!  What a great start to 2022!

 

                       


Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!