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Tuesday 14 May 2024

Wit is aften a mask....

                                            


We spend our entire existence constantly on the move, wandering aimlessly from one destination, then to another, keeping appointments and observing what time it is and ensuring that we are punctual. The time we get out of bed is governed by the clock and we sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work and then eventually we retire.  And what do they give us? A flamin’ clock!   This is not a wind up!

 

I went to the jewellers and sez to the lady behind the counter: “I need a battery, so I can tell the time.”  She replied: “Is it for a clock?”  I sez: “I don’t know.  That’s why I need a battery….”

 

Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home. Just about then an old Grandpa walked by and one of the old Grandma’s yelled out saying: “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”  The old bloke sez: “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old grannies shouted: “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under pants and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and announced:  “You’re 86 years old”’ Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old geezer asked: “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison: “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

                                 


On the same subject, I've got a memory like that thing that's used to get lumps out of flour.

 

Dave, a supermarket worker, is called away from his till. “Your girlfriend’s gone in to labour early” a supervisor tells the worried young man. “A nurse left her direct number. Give her a ring and she’ll tell you what’s happening” Unfortunately, the manager has written the number down wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club instead. “How’s everything going?” he asks. “Oh, fine” says a cheery woman at the other end of the phone. “We’ve got eight out already!” “Eight !” wails Dave, who’s already nervous enough about being a dad. “Yep,” says the lady “And the last one was a duck…”

 

During a service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. “Brother” he says to the first respondent “What is your need ?” “I need help with my hearing” the man answers. The preacher sticks his finger in the man’s ear and prays. “How’s your hearing now?” he asks. “I don’t know” says the man “It’s not till next Tuesday…”

                                                      


Larry died.  His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.  As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend.  "Well, I’m sure Larry would be pleased," she said. "I’m sure you’re right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.  "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Sarah.  "Forty-thousand." "No!"  Jody exclaimed.  "I mean, it was very nice, but £40,000?" Sarah answered, "The funeral was £6,500.  I donated £500 to church.  The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500.  The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Jody computed quickly.  "£32,500 for a Memorial Stone?  My God, how big is it?" Sarah replied: "Four and a half carats."

 

Non-Stick Nora was awakened at 3am on Saturday morning by a loud  banging on the front door. Barmy Albert got up and went to the door where a drunken  fella, staggering around  in the pouring rain, was asking  for a push. "No chance," shouts Albert. "It’s  three o’clock in the morning!" He slammed the door muttered some Elizabethan expletives and returned to bed. "Who was that?" asked Nora”. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," Albert replied:  "Did you help him?" she asked. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it’s lagging it down!" "Well, you have a short memory," she said. "Can’t you remember about four months back when we broke down and those two blokes helped us?" "I think you should help him or you will be ashamed of yourself!" Albert duly did as he was told, got dressed, and went out into the tempestuous, pounding  rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you there?" "Yes!" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" he shouted. "If you don’t mind!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" Albert politely enquired.  "Over here on the swing!" came the reply. 

                                


Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own.  Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website:  www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com.   Now, assume a comical position,then strike the pose!


                                         


Monday 13 May 2024

Inflamed Metatarsals and Chronic Busman's Der·rière Syndrome....

                                                           


Why, oh why do parents only announce their baby’s weight when it’s born?  You’d never hear them say: Happy 30th birthday Dave, 19 stone 5 pounds.  Aren’t you a big boy now!   I fondly recollect when my daughter Suzie was born.  The doctor proclaimed: “Your daughter is absolutely beautiful!”  I sez to him: “I bet you say that to all new parents.” He replied: “No. I don’t. I say to them your baby looks just like you!”

Non-Stick Nora accompanied Barmy Albert to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called Nora into his office alone. He sez: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress and palpitations. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice gourmet meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only exacerbate his stress level and make it worse.  Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television, football and cricket. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.  If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.  On the way home, Barmy Albert asked Nora: "What did the doctor say?"  "You’re going to die, " she replied.

 

On the same subject, my doctor asked me, ‘Do you drink a lot of fluids?’ I sez: ‘To be honest, that’s all I drink!’

 

Fascinating Fact: Albert Einstein was a genius. His brother Frank on the other hand was a monster!

                          


I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife and I got chatting to a lumberjack. I must say that he seemed like a decent feller....

 

Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora: "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!" Non-Stick Nora replied:  "Wow! your dad was a millionaire?" Albert sez:  "No, but he always wanted to be."

I attended a showbiz bash and had a drink with The Beach Boys. It was all going quite well until we had to ascertain whose round it was!

Blowing out someone else’s candle won’t make yours shine any brighter.  Remember that!

Yesterday, I was at my local supermarket buying a bag of dog food for the woofers. Whilst I was in the checkout queue, the woman behind me (she had a face like a pirate’s flag) asked me if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an armadillo?   So, since I was off work and had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the dog food diet again.   I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, and that I’d lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care, with a matron and several doctors hovering over my prostrate form.    I told her that it was basically a proper diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with doggy biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it does the business well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the shop was now enthralled with my tale.) Gobsmacked, she enquired if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned my system. I told her definitely not, I merely stepped off the kerb to sniff a nearby lamp post and a car hit me. I thought the geezer behind her was going to have a coronary, he was chortling so much. I now cannot enter the local Co-op without supervision. Always exercise extreme caution when you ask a comedian any simple question at all. We have all the time in the world to dream up stoopid gubbins  to say.

 

Disclaimer: The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk.com. Now, behave yerself and get yersen back to work! The summer is a comin’!   

                                          


 

 

 

Saturday 4 May 2024

The blunt end of a rag & bone man's bugle....

 

                                                   



Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora: "I can remember the first time I visited Liverpool, I found it very hard to leave." Nora asked "Did you fall madly in love with the place?" Albert replied: "No, I had my car stolen."

If you think I'm obsessed with Supertramp, you should take a look at my girlfriend.

Q) What is Man Utd goalkeeper André Onana’s favourite colour?
A) Indigo.


Last week, I purchased a suit of armour off eBay, but I returned it because it made me look middle aged.



I'm weighing up the many comments from people castigating electric vehicles. Most of them don't really know what they're talking about. Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche. Their acceleration and handling is absolutely fantastic. They possess sleek lines and look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance whatsoever and haven't depreciated since I bought them. Literally, the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the settee.



Yesterday morning, a woman at the checkout in Tesco opened her bag and a TV remote fell out. I picked it up for her and I laughed and asked her if she usually carried her remote control around. She sez: “No, but I wanted my husband to come shopping with me and he refused, so I thought I would get my own back on the curmudgeonly cretin.”

 

While I was in Tesco, I bought a packet of Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages. They were superb. I think olive salami is here to stay.

                                                           



Eugene J Polley, the inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96. Have they tried turning his batteries the other way round and smacking him against the coffee table?



Fascinating Fact: The only thing worse than a bull that dosen’t like you, is one that does....



I did a gig with a fantastic choreographer who could perform Riverdance on a postage stamp. His name was Michael Philately.



Kids do say the funniest things. In primary school the teacher asked the class to make a sentence using the word 'avocado'. Little Jason stood up and pronounced, “My dad has a driving license, but we don't avocado.”



It’s much better to try and run a half-marathon, rather than say “I gave up halfway through a marathon.

I went for a jog, but came back home after a minute. The reason being, I’m morbidly obese and can’t run for more than a minute. Follow me every week for more fitness tips.



On a university exam, students were asked to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy.
The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote: "I don't know and I don't care."



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was walking in the park when she coughed and her false teeth shot out of her gob and into the lake! A passing stranger sez: “Come with me, I might be able to help you!” They went to his car “Try these” he announced, handing her a set of gnashers. She tried them, but they were far too tight. “Okay, try these then” but they were far too slack; finally he gave her another pair which fitted perfectly, “Oh thank you” she said “these are the best fit I’ve ever had I’ve always wanted to meet the perfect dentist!” “Oh, I’m not a dentist” he said “I’m an undertaker!”

                                               



The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?" Start as you mean to go on. That’s what I reckon…



I visited the new Fleetwood Mac Donalds restaurant last weekend. They sell you fries, sell you sweet little fries. Then yesterday, I took the missus to a cafeteria called Karma. The wife asked me what kind of food they served. I sez: “Just desserts…”





I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!
                                          

Monday 29 April 2024

The Tools, Accounts and Internet Options Farrago...

 

                                                        



Breaking News: the Devon & Cornwall Music Festival has been cancelled as they couldn't decide whether The Jam or Cream should go first. I was supposed to be helping Cat Stevens repair his caravanette. Awning has broken…

Q) What's red and keeps going: "Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep?"

A) The Liverpool FC open top parade bus reversing back into the garage.



Any recommendations for music to listen to while I’m fishing? Preferably summat catchy. If you have any ideas, then let minnow.

Yesterday, I caught the missus going through the neighbour’s bins. She's not nosey, just terrible at parking. She’s a nosey-parker.

I have just purchased a new sofa and chair. The salesman at the furniture store told me: "This sofa will seat five people, without any problems." I sez: "I don’t know five people without any problems, all my family and friends are totally unhinged.”

Saturday morning, Barmy Albert got up early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, and slipped silently into the garage, hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a tempestuous down pouring of rain. The wind was blowing at fifty miles per hour, so he reappraised his options and reversed back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be horrendous all day. He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed and cuddled up to Non-Stick Nora, now with a different anticipation and whispered: "The weather out there is terrible." Nora replied: "Can you believe my stupid husband has gone out fishing in that?" That's when the fight started!

                         

  

I’d been in bed for twenty minutes, before I realised that I’d just gone upstairs for a pen. Moreover, over many years I've bought maybe two hundred or more fridge magnets. Should I buy a fridge or fridge freezer to put them on?

Benefits of serving green tea to guests: 1) you look sophisticated and wealthy. 2) You save on milk. 3) They won't ask for more. 4) They won't come again. Result!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Donald Trump. Donald Trump who? Perfect... you're on the jury.



I phoned BT technical services last week because of a PC problem and he asked me if I was in front of my computer. I affirmed this, he then asked me to: “Right click on tools, accounts, internet options, then properties.” I told him he was going too fast. He then asked me: “Sorry. What have you done up to now?” I replied: “I’ve written click…”



The weather has been frightful of late and shows no sign of improvement. I’d like to thank my neighbour for placing a cover over my car last night, when it was frosty. Ta, Pauline.



Many folk come from the “If you stop crying, I’ll buy you something.” Generation. Whereas, I’m from the: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you summat to cry about!” generation. We are not the same.



Fascinating Fact: My three worst subjects at skool were spilling and moths.

                                           

 



Olaf the Viking is shopping in Tesco, when he encounters octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle on her zimmer frame, almost in tears. “Wassup?” asks Olaf. “Oh!” sobs Elsie, I want to have a shufty at the frozen puddings, but as you can see, there’s two steps down into the chiller cabinets.” “Don’t worry.” sez Olaf, as he lifted her onto his back “I’ll take you.” Olaf then proceeds to saunter through the chiller cabinets, with Elsie on his back. She selects several puddings and places them in the basket that Olaf is carrying for her. At the opposite end, Elsie’s husband Tommy is waiting, with her zimmer frame. “I’d really like to thank you very much.” Says Elsie. “But I don’t even know who you are!” Olaf merely gives her the thumbs-up and wanders off. Tommy Grabknuckle declares: “I was very worried about you. What have you been doing?” with all the dignity that she could muster, Elsie told him: “I’ve been through the desserts on a Norse, with no name….”



You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Barmy Albert discovered this when he had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.’ He stormed in to Non-Stick Nora, and announced: “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make mad passionate love, then afterwards, you are going to run me a bubbly bath so I can relax, meditate and contemplate. You will then wash my back with that new loofah and towel me dry and bring me my dressing gown. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” Nora replied: “The funeral director would be my first guess.”

                   

  

Tuesday 16 April 2024

This is good. But is it Art?

 

                                             



I've been helping my old mate Art Garfunkel update and modernise his antiquated kitchenette. The wooden floor had dry rot, so we decided to rip it all out and replace it with a concrete floor. We were shovelling  all the concrete down for the floor, but unfortunately copious amounts of air pockets appeared in it and it was all uneven and skewiff. Luckily, Art had ordered many brand-new white goods items for the new kitchenette, so I ended up dragging one over the top to conceal the bumpy surface. Now, he's got a fridge over bubbled mortar.

While I was at Art’s council maisonette, who should pop in to help us mix the concrete, but my other bosom buddy and Art’s erstwhile partner Paul Simon. As we were shovelling the sand and cement into the mixer, I asked him: “Paul, just remind me, what was that massive hit you had back in the eighties?” he replied: “Call me Al.” I sez: “Okay. Al, what was that massive hit you had back in the eighties?” Paul Simon helping us was a big mistake, because later on, we realised that the concrete floor had begun Slip, Sliding Away. I told him that the mix was three of sand and one of cement, but as all these pop icons seem to do, he insisted on a re-mix.

Veteran rocker Alan Price, formerly of The Animals sauntered in to assist with the project. He told me that he might be moving permanently to America. He’s going to relocate to New Orleans. Apparently, there is a house there. When he spotted the wonky concrete floor he started laughing and began singing: “This Is The House That Jack Built.”    .” I was unaware that Alan had brought Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear with him. The bear started tap-dancing on the wet concrete, leaving a trail of footprints and exacerbating the poor condition of the floor surface. Simon Smith enticed the bear out of the area with a piece of cheese. The cheese was Camembert. (Geddit?)


Mark Knopfler called in as well! He was carrying a large ornate picture frame and a bag of chips. Art Garfunkel asked him: "Where’ve you been all day?" Mark replies, "They asked me to open the new art museum and if I'd do it, they sez that I can have a rare French impressionist painting, then I called in the chippy on the way here." "How much cash did you spend today then?” Asked Paul Simon "Absolutely nowt!" exclaimed Mark, "They were all avid Dire Straits fans. I got the Monet for nothin' and the chips were free."

While we were buying the sand and cement in B & Q, we bumped into Bono from U2. He was wandering around aimlessly and appeared to be a tad disorientated. I asked him why he was going up and down every aisle and tut-tutting. He sez: “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For...”

Outside on the car park, there was an Abba tribute band playing. They were excessively loud. You could hear the drums from Nando’s. You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but you certainly can with a tribute band. I often wonder if Steve and Dave had formed the band instead of Benny and Björn, would they have called it ASDA?

It was fantastic seeing all my old mates. All their respective songs are timeless and the music perennial. I just can’t get into the music of today. I’ve always thought that Arianna Grande was a font!

The missus sez she’s leaving me due to my obsession with the Pet Shop Boys. What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?

Famous Quotes: “To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre. “Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

Breaking News: Elton John has purchased a multi-gym and rowing machine for his miniature pet rabbit. It’s a little fit bunny…

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades Lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell putrid. In a statement she said: "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"

Gerry Marsden sang: “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” I’ve been to Liverpool quite a few times and I must say that it’s very good advice.

Fascinating Fact: If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name, it would be the chorus to Old McDonald Had A Farm…

Could all my readers who signed up for my yodelling lesson classes, please form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.....

 I decided to download a sexy female voice onto my Sat-Nav to accompany me on the tedious journeys that I have to undertake, constantly criss-crossing the tarmacadam infrastructure of the UK motorway network. It was the worst thing I could have done.  I downloaded Bonnie Tyler.  Now it keeps telling me to “Turn Around.”  And every now and then, it falls apart, plus I got lost in France.


Next time you’re up Scropton Street back snicket, then pop into The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub and raise a glass to cheating, stealing, fighting, drinking and internet surfing. If you cheat, may you cheat death; if you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart; if you fight, may you fight for a brother and if you drink, may you drink with me. If you go surfing, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now get back to work!