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Sunday, 9 February 2025

"Are you a man or are you a mouse?” The thick plottens....

 

                                                 



Hey guys! Listen up! Don’t forget that this month, we celebrate the three days when all women rightfully acknowledge that the man is always right. That would be the 29th, 30th and 31st of February.

Another important date is tomorrow, namely Valentines Day! Looking for some guidance here: What's the best number of Roses to give the wife for Valentines Day? Is it: six or a dozen, or the whole tin? Last February 14 was a total disaster and she ended up in Tameside A & E. I told the matron that my wife had choked on a Quality Street chocolate. The matron asked me: “The purple one?” I sez: “Yes. That’s her!”


The powers that be at Manchester United have maintained that they will not under any circumstances sell Garnacho to any of their rivals. So that rules out Ipswich, Southampton, Leicester, Wolves, Everton and Spurs.

He's blessed with good fortune that Marcus Rashford. He's moved from 13th to 8th, without even kicking a ball.

Well, Barmy Albert was absolutely flabbergasted! He’d spent forty-eight hours on a trolley in the corridor at hospital A & E after getting covered in camouflage paint and he still hasn’t been seen.

I can't believe people are comparing Trump to Satan. Yes, I wholeheartedly concur that he's evil, but certainly not as evil as Trump...

I just parked my car at the hospital when the carpark attendant shouted over to me, "You can't park there, that's for badge holders only!” "That’s okay " I replied "I've got a bad shoulder."

                                             



Q) What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

A) A chicken sees a salad....




                                     



There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So, he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied.



I did a gig at an old folk’s home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn’t even answer my "Knock - Knock" jokes until I showed them some I.D.



The bloke who cuts keys and repairs shoes in Stalybridge must be really good, judging by the number of trophies in his window!



I sez to the missus last night, "I really fancy a takeaway." She replied, "You talking Chinese?" I sez, "No, did it sound Chinese?”

                                                                



Breaking News: Police in Liverpool have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 Kalashnikov semi-automatic rifles, together with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked illegal immigrants, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: "We’re totally gobsmacked. We never knew we had a Library." No doubt both books it contained had already been coloured in!



Thought for Thursday: A man fleeing war takes his wife and children. A man going to war, leaves them behind.



The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) was limping down Scropton Street yesterday. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me: “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy glare she gave me would have knocked a buzzard off a tip!



Yesterday afternoon, the German Shepherd from next door leapt over the fence and pooed on my lawn. It gets worse. This morning, he brought his dog with him! The missus exclaimed: “You’re no gonna put up with that are you?” I replied: “Well what can I do?” She then asked me: “Are you a man or are you a mouse?” she continued: “You can go and get a shovel and throw it over next doors fence!” So, now I have a lawn full of dog poo and no shovel!”



Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle your socks off by howling at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                              

Saturday, 1 February 2025

A simple yes or no answer?

 

                                        



The missus sez to me yesterday: “I’m going to ask you a question and I just want a simple yes or no answer.” I sez: “Go on then. Ask away.” She replied: “Why do you tell jokes about blondes?”

Top Tips: The secret to a lasting marriage is tools. Tools ~ Accounts ~ Internet Options ~ Delete History.

Visiting a friend in Tameside Hospital, this bloke turned to me and shouted: “Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face”. Then a woman with a face like a pirate’s flag hollered: “Wee, sleekit, cowran, tim'rous beastie.” I asked the matron: “Is this a Psychiatric Ward?” She replied: “No, it’s the Burns Unit!”

I got talking to a woman at my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and she curtly informed me she had just divorced a professional footballer. I sez: “Oh really. Was it messy?”

This random woman sauntered out of Iceland and a packet of frozen fish fell out of her carrier bag and dropped onto the tarmacadam. So, Barmy Albert picked it up and bunged it in his shopping trolley. Non-Stick Nora exclaimed: "That doesn't belong to us, give it back to that lady." "Findus Kippers", Albert replied.

Fascinating Fact: I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was rubbish at it. Lance is still in prison.

                   

  

This girl from Stalybridge finds out she's pregnant. She's only sixteen. Even worse, it's twins. After much soul-searching, she has the babies, which turn out to be identical. She then gives them up for adoption. Time passes, and many years later her maternal instincts drive her to find out what happened to them. Following a great deal of investigation of the internet, she discovers that one of them was adopted by a Spanish couple, and was christened Juan. The other was adopted by an Egyptian couple and named Amal. She manages to trace the Spanish couple, and contacts them. They send her a photograph of the boy, who is now a fine young man. Unfortunately, she is unable to discover the whereabouts of the Egyptian couple. As she sits in her mother's house in Mossley, she looks lovingly at the photo of her long-lost son. "Oh, Mother," she says, "I'm so happy to be able to see one of my sons, but how I wish I could also see his brother as he is today." "Don't worry," says her mother, "they're identical. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Barmy Albert ran home from work and pulled Non-Stick Nora into the bedroom, hurled her onto the mattress and then pulled the duvet over them! Nora was astounded, because Albert had not acted like this for many years. Suddenly, Albert shouted: “Look! My new watch! It glows in the dark!”

I had an argument with the waitress in the Scropton Street Cafeteria. I refused to pay the bill. She asked me why, because I’d ordered 42 coffees. I said: “No I didn’t! I ordered 4 tea, two coffees!”

After putting on so much weight after Christmas, the wife caught me holding my stomach in, whilst standing on the bathroom scales. She sez: “That’s not going to have any effect, you moron!” I replied: “It does. It’s the only way that I can see the numbers!” She then announced: “I’m leaving you for 29 different reasons, plus your obsession with tennis.” I replied: “That’s 30 Love!” I told her I’d see her at court. That’s when the fight started!

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out to dinner at a restaurant and when it came time to settle the account, it turned out that the skunk didn’t possess a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the ducks bill!
                                             




Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was perched at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn’t blow away in the wind. This fella approached her and sez: “Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?” “Yes, I am aware of that” replied Elsie. “But I need my hands to hold onto my hat” “But madam you must know that your derriere is exposed for all to see!” Elsie sighed and looked down, then back up at the bloke and declared: “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!”



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!  

                                                 

Saturday, 25 January 2025

Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance...

 

                                                  



Many months ago, I visited the doctor about my hearing and he prescribed some drops and told me to put 2 drops per day in my beer. I’ve been doing this now for ages and still no improvement.

Non-Stick Nora and Elsie Grabknuckle were having a chat in the Scropton Street Laundrette & Washerama. "Elsie, I just don’t know what to do," Nora sez to her friend. "That good-looking Chester Draws from the betting shop has asked me out on a date tomorrow. Do you think I should go?" "Gadzooks!" shrieks Elsie. "He’ll take you to Wetherspoons and then the kebab shop and then use any old excuse to get you up to his council flat. Then he’ll rip your frock off and make love with you all night.” “What should I do?" asks Nora. To which Elsie replied: "Wear an old gansy."

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife when this bald bloke asked me: "Do you know where I can get a toupee?" I replied: "Off the top of my head, No."

Last week, what with Storm Éowyn rapidly approaching, Barmy Albert took Met office, RAC and Health and Safety advice when travelling, he loaded the car with warm clothes, blankets, food, large flask of soup, water, torch, spare batteries, spare phone, large spade, a tow rope, and Wellington boots. He then realised there was no room in the car for Nora and the grandkids, so he has gone away on his own for a few days. Result!

There was a hard frost and minus zero temperatures yesterday morning when I took my quad bike to do some off-road rallying. As I perambulated across the rough terrain, I genuinely thought that I could hear tubular bells. However, it was just my cold field....

Fascinating Fact: I made every endeavor to read the whole of the dictionary in bed last night. I didn't manage to finish it. I got up to P.

                                   

 

Recently in America (where else!) a ‘Husband Mega-Store’ opened. Women could first peruse, and then choose a husband from a multitude of males. It spread across five floors, with men possessing more positive attributes as one ascended. The only rule was, once you entered any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a level, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. Three girlfriends paid a visit to find some husbands. On the first floor, a sign announced, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women observed the sign and pondered, "I wonder what’s further up?" So up they went, to floor two, where the sign read, “These men are highly paid, adore children, and are most handsome”. “Hmmm,” they were impressed, but being typical women, “ Lets go further up!” On the third floor, a sign bearing the legend, "These men are wealthy, good-looking hunks who love kids and DIY". "Wahay!" shouted the women, “Very tantalising.” But there was yet another floor, so onward and upward they journeyed. The fourth elevation displayed a notice declaring, “These men are affluent millionaires, and they worship children, are extremely attractive, do housework and are incurable romantics”. “I don’t believe it,” they exclaimed, “Imagine what will be further on!” On the final floor the sign proclaimed, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are virtually impossible to please. The way out is straight ahead; we hope that you fall down the stairs”.

The missus was quite annoyed and shouted: "Ever since you bought those Walkie-Talkies, you've been acting like a big kid." I replied: Acting like a big what? Over!"

I was reflecting on the fact that I would’ve been five years sober today, if I’d have quit drinking five years ago. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
                                            


A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That’s a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, like cars and men." "What’s your name?" she asked. "Beerandmanu.” he replied.

Barmy Albert attended a job interview at Scropton Street Abbatoir. The head slaughterman asked him: "What are your strengths?" Albert replied: "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Can you give me an example?" asked the head slaughterman. Albert sez: "Yes, when do I start?"

Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. For more fascinating factual gubbins, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: ComedianUK@sky.com. Now get back to work!

                                                

Saturday, 18 January 2025

Art, Bart & Fargo in the taxicab farrago....

                                  


Trump has returned! Biden was forced to stand down because of early-onset rigor mortis. In order to comprehend the American mindset, last week, while I was in Manchester, I asked a guy from Arkansas to advise me of the primary difference between the USA and the UK. He told me: “You see that building over there. Back in the States, we have buildings over fifty times bigger!” I sez: “I’m not surprised. It’s a lunatic asylum!”

One sunny Saturday morning, Non-Stick Nora was at the bus stop with her six-year old grandkid, Frankie, waiting for their ride up to Scropton Street Precinct. As they waited, Nora leaned down and sez: “When we get on the bus, I’ll buy a ticket for myself. If the driver asks, just tell him you’re five so we don’t have to pay for your ticket, okay?” Frankie dutifully nodded, albeit being a tad perplexed, but eager to please his grandma. When the bus eventually arrived, they climbed aboard, and Nora bought an adult ticket. The driver, a shady-looking character with a face like a careless beekeeper, glanced down at Frankie and announced: “Hello there, young man! What’s your name?” “Frankie!” he answered proudly. “And how old are you, Frankie?” the driver asked. With a big smile, Little Frankie tells him: “I’m five years old!” The driver gave him a saturnine grimace and replied: “Well then, Frankie, when will you be six?” Without hesitation, Frankie chortled and sez: “As soon as I get off this bus!”

Gladys was the wife of the Reverend John Dunn and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. After an exceptionally long-winded sermon one particular Sunday, she approached a bored looking newcomer and introduced herself: “Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn.” To which the gentleman replied: “You're not the only one!”

Sometimes, you can misinterpret what has just been said to you and unintentionally counteract with a wholly inappropriate response. Yesterday, for instance the missus sez to me: “Is it just me, or has the dog got fat over Christmas?” I replied: “No, it's just you.” That’s when the fight started!

                             



Barmy Albert’s car wouldn't start yesterday morning. He peered beneath the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine block. The bat sez: "A very good morning to you sir, and might I remark how splendidly handsome you look today?" Albert knew the problem straight away: It was bat flattery!



Art, Bart and Fargo were all totally paralytic drunk in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and so decided to commandeer the services of a hackney carriage to take them all home. As soon as the taxi driver picked them up, he noticed how bladdered they all were, so decided to play a practical joke on them. He duly fired up the engine and let it idle for a few minutes and then switched it off. With a straight face, he told his passengers that they had all arrived at their destination. Art fumbled around for his wallet and bunged the cabbie a tenner. Bart did exactly the same and they both staggered out of the vehicle. Suddenly, Fargo lost the plot and whacked the driver around the cranium with his umbrella. Quite shocked, the driver concluded that they mustn’t have been as intoxicated as he originally surmised. “Hey! What was that for?” he protested, while examining the lump on his head. Fargo slurred: “Next time, watch your speed. You almost got us all killed!”

                                                          



I overheard a mother talking to her kid in Tesco and she asked the child: “What are the two magic words to use to get what you want in life?” The kid thought for a moment and replied: “I’m offended ...”



As I was flicking through the channels on the Sky TV, I encountered a programme that I watched for about five minutes, whereupon, this bloke was listing a lot of great things to do for fun. It was only then that I realised that I was watching one of the religious channels and he was reading a list of sins!



Thought for Thursday: When you swim up a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...



When I was young, I was poor. However, after many years of extremely hard work, I am no longer young.

                                                        



RIP The King Denis Law. I fondly recollect when he was interviewed a few years ago on Talk Sport and the presenter asked him if the team from his day would beat the present Man Utd squad. He replied: “Yeah, about 1 – 0, I reckon.” The interviewer sez: “Why so close a score?” The Lawman replied; “Well, we’re all in our eighties now....” Farewell dear friend. There’ll never be another. Until we meet again.

                                      

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                    

Wednesday, 8 January 2025

Happy New Year 2025!

 

    




Happy 2025 folks! Everyone’s trying to lose weight! Over the festered season, I have developed flabby thighs, but I am lucky because my stomach covers them. Some friends in my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife’ have joined a weight-loss organisation. At this week’s meeting, the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar. “What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and how do they relate to our diet?” “Low in calories” and “lots of fibre” was among the ensuing answers. She then proceeded to detail what was exactly wrong with eating chocolate and concluded thus, “Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Are you aware that I paid 80p for this bar of chocolate?” They all stared, as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, “I’ll give you five quid for it!”


If there’s a future scandal involving Elon Musk, it probably would be called Elongate, which means it could go on forever ffs!

Biden is giving a eulogy at Carters funeral today. Is it worth it him going back home? He seems to have early onset rigor mortis.

Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language.” To which his mate replied, “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it!”




Thought for Thursday: Anger and frustration are the only two emotions that allow your gob to accelerate and overtake your brainbox.

                      




Now that the weather has become a tad inclement, I have noticed that everyone up Scropton Street back snicket wears woolly jumpers that are at least one size too small, including me. However, we are a tight knit community!

The wife has been missing for well over a week now and the police called round last night and told me to expect the worst. So, this morning, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back…

My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and goes back to her mother.

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? http://www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!