The Man You Knighted....

                            

Many happy returns to Brian Blessed. Not many people know that Brian Blessed is a highly accomplished horse whisperer; However, he has to stand in the next field.



Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having one of their surreal conversations: Nora sez: "You remember Tommy Grabknuckle, the bloke who used to smoke forty Benson and Hedges cigarettes a day? Well, I saw him the other day, and he hadn't had a cigarette in months. That's willpower. And remember Chester draws the alcoholic? Well, now he's the leader of the local Alcoholics Anonymous group. Now that's willpower," Albert sighs. "Okay, you want to see willpower? How about I start sleeping in the guest room every night? We'll see who has willpower" Three months later, they are still sleeping separately when Nora knocks on the guest room door in the middle of the night. She let herself in. "I'm not sure if you heard, but Chester Draws is drinking again!"

                                    

I once spotted Sir Alex Ferguson sauntering out of Buckingham Palace. I remember asking the Queen, “Was that the man you knighted?”



Finding one of her pupils gurning faces at others on the playground, Miss Turtle stopped to gently reprimand the kid. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Turtle, you can't say you weren't warned." You can say whatever you want about Miss Turtle, but she tortoise well!

                                         

The Uber driver spouted inane drivel constantly. I asked him: “Have you been doing this for long?” "Yeah, about twenty odd years now," the driver replies." Ah, so you must know the area pretty well then?" I continued. “Like the back of my hand,” the driver answers. “You really get to know the ins and outs of a place when you're driving it day after day. You see many of the same faces in your back seat, recognise people going about their same daily routines. Of course, the people inevitably change but the spirit of the place really does stay the same. Anyways, why do you ask?” I replied: “It's just that you passed my house five streets ago!”


                                                 
Just back from a Tameside Hospital appointment. Apparently, I’ve got a condition that turns my skin Battleship Grey. I’ve been informed that dad was A Carrier.  

                                             

Coming home late at night from a gig...

                                                  

Well, I've never known anything like it! What a crazy day we’ve had today! The police knocked on our door this morning at 6:30 am. The efficient policeman told me:  “Do the letters H.B. mean anything to you?” They asked.

“No"  I advised him.”

“What about G.D. then?”

“Nope, it means nothing to me,” I replied.

“How about A.P.?”

“Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?”

“No sir.” They sez: “These are just initial enquiries.”

 
           

Fascinating Fact: Women think it’s sexy seeing a man put on a uniform. But not apparently when you’re a Lollipop Man.



I told my doctor, "I've got an ingrown toenail, a verruca, athlete's foot, and sweaty feet."

He said, "I wouldn't like to be in your shoes."



Elton John wanted to send his friends an invitation to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn't find the appropriate phrase. Apparently, Soiree seems to be the hardest word.


                           

A kid was sent home from school one day. Dad asks what for.

Kid says, "Teacher asked what three times four is, and I said twelve."

Dad says, "but that's correct."

Kid says, "I know, but then she asked what four times three is."

Dad says, "What's the f**king difference?"

Kid says, "That's exactly what I said!"



Barmy Albert staggers into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and asks the bartender

“I’ll have a sh-sh-sh… shingled roof. The bartender asks him: “What’s that?”

Albert replied: “Something that’s on the house…”



                                                 

Coming home late at night from a gig, through some very lonely, desolate tarmacadam infrastructure, with only Eddie Stobart for company, all of us go a little doo-lally; whether from stage-fright or just the all-night drive, we become a contender in a scenario that no one else has ever experienced. Join me in this nightmare farrago by clicking on www.Comedian.ws or email me at comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Woody and the matching socks....

                                 

Barmy Albert said to young Willy Eckerslyke, "I can't believe it. I just lost all seven football bets I 
made, all five greyhound bets, and the three bets I made on the horses. l just don't know what I'm going to do." Young Willy sez: "Well, there's a hockey game tonight." Albert thought for a minute and replied: "Hockey? I don't know anything about hockey."



A speed cop pulls over three guys on a motorcycle "Are you guys serious?! Three people on one bike?" The pillion rider replied, "Three?! Oh shit... Tommy must’ve fallen off!"



I took the missus to a nudist beach - she spent two and a half hours deciding what not to wear!



Fascinating Fact: If your Chromosomes are XX, you're a woman. If they are XY, you’re a man. And if they are YI, then you’re a Geordie.



If God ever contacts me to tell me I have fifteen minutes left to live, I’m gonna spend those fifteen minutes on a rowing machine because it’ll feel like 24 hours.

                                  

Young Woody Eckerslyke was so naïve, as a kid of 21, a woman in a bar once whispered to him, "My socks match my panties." Woody thought that strange, because she wasn’t even wearing socks. And he thought, " Man, she’s as thick as a crofter's gherkin!”



I’ve just paid £25 for a four mile Uber ride to the laundrette. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners…



Non-Stick Nora bought a new fridge for her kitchenette. To get rid of her old fridge, she put it outside and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to a good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days, the fridge sat there without one person looking twice at it. She eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so she changed the sign to read: "fridge for sale £50." The next day, some scallywag nicked it...

                                                         

                            

The Animal Rights Activist’s annual barbecue...

                                              

Twisted Firestarter Donald Trump is at it again! He’s only gone and changed Lake Ontario to Lake America! Great and vital presidential work, I say! In retaliation, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has rebranded Canadian geese as Donald Ducks.

Barmy Albert will never forget the look on Non-Stick Nora's face when he gave her her 40th birthday card. With a forlorn frown and tears in her eyes, she said: “One would have done…”

Maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws was impeccably dressed and looking quite distinguished and sartorially elegant when he sauntered into a very expensive restaurant in Paris's 6th arrondissement. He wore a tailored suit, a silk tie and highly polished black Gucci shoes. Chester ordered champagne, foie gras, lobster and a vintage bottle of Bordeaux. For dessert, he selected the most expensive item on the menu and ordered a brandy. When he had finished his meal, the waiter presented him with the bill. Chester looked at the waiter and said, “I don't know if you remember me, but many, many years ago I was quite down on my luck. I came here for a meal, and when it came time to pay, I couldn't.” The waiter looked at him more closely. “You publicly humiliated me,” Chester continued. “You had security march me through the restaurant and throw me out into the street.” The waiter suddenly remembered the incident. His face turned bright red, and he began to apologise profusely. Chester held up his hand. “Don't worry, old chap,” he said. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to do it again.”

When I was a little kid, my mum gave me some devastating news. She told me that I was adopted. I must confess that I teared up a bit, then cried hard and burst out, "I want to meet my real parents.” To which my mother replied, “We are your real parents. Now go and pack up all your stuff. You were adopted, and they'll be here in a few minutes."
                                       

Yesterday, I visited Aldi to buy an angle grinder, a two-man tent and a riding hat. I came out with a loaf, a litre of skimmed milk and some teabags!

The day before, I was in Tesco, buying wine and using the self-checkout, so it had to be approved. When the assistant came over, I asked in a jocular fashion: “Do I need to show you some I.D.?” Without missing a beat, she replied: “That ship has long since sailed.”

Breaking News: Police have arrested three armed men near the Cellarfield nuclear power station.

Just turned down a gig in the Middle East. My agent wanted me to go to Riyadh, but I said No, No, No!

                                 

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot climb a ladder with a rabbit in each hand...

                                   

Another crazy Amazon purchase by the missus: she purchased a new oven glove in a bright dayglow yellow colour. I kept making hilarious comments about it, and now she's taken the huff and isn’t speaking to me. In hindsight, I probably did take it too far; I mustard mitt...

This compounded another unfortunate farrago, when the wife asked me to buy her something silky for our Wedding Anniversary. No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour. It’s bright yellow!

Fascinating Fact: Our cat won the British milk drinking race this year. Once he was pronounced the winner, they gave him another saucerful so he could do a lap of honour. Don’t ask meow!

On a gig last weekend, I worked with an ABBA tribute act. They sounded like the real thing, which was unfortunate, as they were supposed to sound like ABBA.

Jonathan Gold and Ruth Reichl, two famous food critics, are out having dinner. The Maître d stops by their table and asks: “Is anything okay?”

I need 4 pigs. I’m going to paint 1-2-3-5 on them, release them in The Trafford Centre and then watch while they search for number 4.

Did you know that you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot climb a ladder with a rabbit in each hand.

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were fast asleep when the phone rang at 2 a.m. Nora answered, and after a few seconds, she exclaimed, “How should I know? That’s over 200 miles away!” and hung up. Albert asked her, “Who was that? And what did they want?” Nora replied, “I have no idea. Some stupid woman wanted to know if the coast is clear.”

Their conversations grew more surreal by the day. For instance, Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora that his mother-in-law was doing great. “She's gonna get out of the hospital and be with us for decades." "Incredible!" replied Nora "But I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!" Barmy Albert says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."


                                        

Riddle me this: If you invited Tess Daly, Seb Coe, Val Kilmer and Hugh Grant to dinner and made them cook, would you end up with a Tess Coe Val Hugh meal?

Barmy Albert sauntered into his local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and spotted a dog perched at the other end of the bar, quaffing a glass of red wine. Albert asked Dastardly Derek, the landlord, about the dog, and the landlord replied: “Yeah. He’s a Bordeaux Collie!”

I once asked a girl out, and she turned me down flat because she reckoned that I had a face like the back of a boat. I didn’t get upset, and I did not comment. I just gave her a very stern look

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his doctor, who told him he had some bad news. Tommy was resolute and said: “Cut to the chase, doctor. How long do I have?” The physician replied: “Ten.” Tommy asked him: “What! Days or months?” The doctor said: “Nine.,,,”

Meanwhile, in a multicultural meeting of minds, a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Russian visit the Louvre in Paris and admire Michelangelo's painting of Adam and Eve. Looking at the portrait, the Brit says, "Look how reserved and calm they look. They are obviously British." The Frenchman says, "No, no, non, they are beautiful, naked and free. They are obviously French." The Russian says, "nah, they are Russian; they are naked, cold, have one apple to eat between them, and have been told they are in Paradise."               

                                             

Thinking the Unthinkable...

                                   

Breaking News: King Charles and Prince William are currently viewing various properties in California

With the current El Nino heatwave gubbins, you can tell it’s reached 34°C behind the abattoir, up Scropton Street back snicket. The scrag-end, chavvy mothers are screaming their tonsils off at the kids and using Elizabethan expletives and swearing like they’re auditioning for a Jeremy Kyle reboot. Meanwhile, a Yamaha YZ80 is being scrambled up and down the estate, closely followed by a Thumpstar 140 fitted with what appears to be a drainpipe for an exhaust. Moreover, UB40 is being blasted at approximately 120 decibels because apparently the entire postcode needed to hear Red, Red Wine because the infamous lyrics had slipped from their minuscule craniums. What with all this global warming and drought situations that are currently prevalent, anyone who has dumped a cadaver in Tintwistle reservoir must be getting a bit twitchy now…

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert attended a fancy dress party at The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub last weekend. They were both dressed as tea bags. On the way home, they got mugged!

Much later on, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were fast asleep when the phone rang at 2 a.m. Nora answered, and after a few seconds, she exclaimed, “How should I know? That’s over 200 miles away!” and hung up. Albert asked her, “Who was that? And what did they want?” Nora replied, “I have no idea. Some stupid woman wanted to know if the coast is clear.” The conversations between them grew more surreal by the day. For instance, Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora that his mother-in-law was doing great. “She's gonna get out of the hospital and be with us for decades." "Incredible!" replied Nora "But I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!" Barmy Albert says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."

Fascinating Fact: It’s ironic that the days of the week are named after gods, because at the moment I’ve no idea what deities.

KITCHENWARE COMPANY BOSS: “So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan?” SUSAN: “Nah. Couldn't be bothered, mate.”

Riddle me this: If you invited Tess Daly, Seb Coe, Val Kilmer and Hugh Grant to dinner and made them cook, would you end up with a Tess Coe Val Hugh meal?

                               

  

Meanwhile, a French bloke, a young blonde girl, an old lady and a fella wearing a Stalybridge Celtic shirt are all on a train to Manchester. The train goes into a tunnel, and the compartment goes completely dark, at which point a loud wallop is heard. When they emerge from the tunnel, the Frenchman is rubbing his jaw. The old lady thinks, "Oh folly, folly! The Frenchman must have gotten handsy with the young lady, so she slapped him. Good for her!" The young blonde thinks, "The Frenchman must have tried to get forward with me, but groped the old lady instead, so she slapped him." The Frenchman thinks, "That Stalybridge pig must have touched the blonde girl inappropriately, and she thought it was me, so she slapped me!" And the Stalybridge Celtic fan thinks, " I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap the French geezer again!"

I'm currently listening to an audiobook narrated by Chris Eubank. It's called "Thinking the Unthinkable" It's all about the Titanic...

Have you ever been halfway through eating a horse between two back doors and thought to yourself, “You know, I’m not as hungry as I thought I was!”

Young Woody Eckerslyke is telling his brother Willy that he’s dating an unusual Turkish girl, whose mother was Tunisian and her father Canadian, although one of her grandparents was Albanian and her half-brother is Danish. Willy was astounded and told him that he needed to break up with her. When Woody asked, “Why?” Willy replied: “Too many red flags!”

                                                     

The Travelodge Dorky Door Key Dilemma....

                         

The Travelodge hotel chain says it has made "immediate changes" to its door key policy after a vulnerable female hotel guest was assaulted by a dubious bloke who was given a duplicate key card to her room. I stay in many Travelodge hotels while I’m doing gigs nationwide, and I must confess that a voluptuous blonde woman gained access to my room last week, and when I asked her who she was, she told me her name was Inga. Trying to be funny, I asked her if she was any relation to Ingersoll, the watch. She said: “Yes. The same price, but a different movement…”

Fascinating Fact: An anagram of Nigel Farage is: A leering fag.

Whenever I see a warning label on peanut butter saying it may contain peanuts. I understand why aliens don't visit us anymore. Imagine if an alien looked down and witnessed us picking up dog poop. Who would they think is the superior species?

Although I’ve never spoken to the woman next door in 24 years, until today. I’ve discovered that her name is Alice…

                              

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were languishing in their local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and it was Quiz Night. This question cropped up, and they were asked to name three hits by Meat Loaf. Albert racked his brains and could only come up with ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’ and ‘Bat Out of Hell’, and then his mind went blank. Nora opined: “Two out of Three Ain’t Bad…

As my wife and I were leaving for a night out, the babysitter told us to take as long as we like...
That was two years ago. I hope she's enjoying being a parent...

                              

Young Willy and Woody Eckerslyke arrived late at Stalybridge Train Station along with maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws; however, the train was already leaving the platform. A station worker managed to push Willy and Woody onto the moving train, but Chester was left behind.

The station guard told him: "I'm sorry. I couldn't get you on the train." Chester chortled and smiled and sez: "No problem. The two guys on the train are the ones who'll be sorry." The guard asked: "Why?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Chester replied: "Because they were only here to see me off."



                           

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was in a quandary. When her dear friend Cynthia passed away, she left her fifty quid in her will, and Elsie couldn’t decide what the safest thing to do with this money. Her husband Tommy told her to put it in the bank. "What if there's a recession?" says Elsie. Tommy reckoned that if the bank fails, then the bank administration guarantees your money back, Elsie was still somewhat perturbed by this scenario. "What if the administration fails?" she asked.
Tommy replied: "If the administration fails, the Bank of England guarantees your money back."
Elsie asked him: "What if the Bank of England goes pear-shaped?" Tommy told her: "If the Bank of England goes into liquidation, the International Monetary Fund would guarantee your money back."
Elsie was still worried and said: "Well, what if the International Monetary Fund goes bust?"
Tommy assured her, "Then the British government will guarantee your money back." "What if the British government went bust?" says Elsie, Tommy, who by now was totally exasperated, told her: "Are you telling me you wouldn't pay fifty quid to see that?"

A blonde goes to the counter and says: "I'd like to order fries and a Coke." The man at the counter tells her: "Madam, this is a library." The blonde whispers: "I'd like to order fries and a Coke."