The Travelodge Dorky Door Key Dilemma....

                         

The Travelodge hotel chain says it has made "immediate changes" to its door key policy after a vulnerable female hotel guest was assaulted by a dubious bloke who was given a duplicate key card to her room. I stay in many Travelodge hotels while I’m doing gigs nationwide, and I must confess that a voluptuous blonde woman gained access to my room last week, and when I asked her who she was, she told me her name was Inga. Trying to be funny, I asked her if she was any relation to Ingersoll, the watch. She said: “Yes. The same price, but a different movement…”

Fascinating Fact: An anagram of Nigel Farage is: A leering fag.

Whenever I see a warning label on peanut butter saying it may contain peanuts. I understand why aliens don't visit us anymore. Imagine if an alien looked down and witnessed us picking up dog poop. Who would they think is the superior species?

Although I’ve never spoken to the woman next door in 24 years, until today. I’ve discovered that her name is Alice…

                              

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were languishing in their local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and it was Quiz Night. This question cropped up, and they were asked to name three hits by Meat Loaf. Albert racked his brains and could only come up with ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’ and ‘Bat Out of Hell’, and then his mind went blank. Nora opined: “Two out of Three Ain’t Bad…

As my wife and I were leaving for a night out, the babysitter told us to take as long as we like...

That was two years ago. I hope she's enjoying being a parent...



Young Willy and Woody Eckerslyke arrived late at Stalybridge Train Station along with maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws; however, the train was already leaving the platform. A station worker managed to push Willy and Woody onto the moving train, but Chester was left behind.

The station guard told him: "I'm sorry. I couldn't get you on the train." Chester chortled and smiled and sez: "No problem. The two guys on the train are the ones who'll be sorry." The guard asked: "Why?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Chester replied: "Because they were only here to see me off."



                           

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was in a quandary. When her dear friend Cynthia passed away, she left her fifty quid in her will, and Elsie couldn’t decide what the safest thing to do with this money. Her husband Tommy told her to put it in the bank. "What if there's a recession?" says Elsie. Tommy reckoned that if the bank fails, then the bank administration guarantees your money back, Elsie was still somewhat perturbed by this scenario. "What if the administration fails?" she asked.
Tommy replied: "If the administration fails, the Bank of England guarantees your money back."
Elsie asked him: "What if the Bank of England goes pear-shaped?" Tommy told her: "If the Bank of England goes into liquidation, the International Monetary Fund would guarantee your money back."
Elsie was still worried and said: "Well, what if the International Monetary Fund goes bust?"
Tommy assured her, "Then the British government will guarantee your money back." "What if the British government went bust?" says Elsie, Tommy, who by now was totally exasperated, told her: "Are you telling me you wouldn't pay fifty quid to see that?"

A blonde goes to the counter and says: "I'd like to order fries and a Coke." The man at the counter tells her: "Madam, this is a library." The blonde whispers: "I'd like to order fries and a Coke."


                            

The Funny, Facetious and Farcical French Frog Legs Farrago...

                                                         

Tameside Police are seeking to arrest a prolific shoplifter who has been stealing sweets and chocolate from local retail outlets by taping them to different parts of his anatomy. A senior police spokesman told this newspaper: "He won’t get far because he’s got a Bounty on his head."

One of billionaire Elon Musk's many children emailed him from his university: Dear Dad, London is wonderful, people are fantastic, and I really do like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train: your son, Tomas. The following day, Elon replied: Dear Son, Thirty-five million dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a nice train too. Luv, Dad

A vicar, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf together. After a few holes, one guest exclaimed: "That foursome ahead of us is really slow. They're all over the fairway, they're in the rough, four-putting holes. Couldn't we ask to play through?" The host replied, "No, we don't like to do that. Those guys are partially sighted. They have a special professional who helps them line up shots, and our club lets them play free." The vicar declared: "Why, that's incredible. What exemplary fortitude they possess! I'll ask my congregation to pray for them; maybe we could get a miracle." The doctor pronounced:  "Well, perhaps I can beat that. I know an ophthalmologist who's having good luck with some experimental surgeries. I’ll ask him if he could assist with his immense knowledge." The engineer scratched his head for a moment and replied:  "Couldn't they play at night?"

 

Two fascinating Facts: What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle. I just purchased a First Aid Kit because I thought I’d treat myself!.

                               

Andy Burnham was visiting an old folk’s home purely as a publicity stunt to show how sympathetic he was to the cost-of-living crisis for the elderly. He went up to octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, who was in a wheelchair, and because he’d only been Prime Minister for a few weeks, he asked her: “Do you know who I am?” Elsie replied: “No, I don’t, but if you ask Matron, she will tell you.”



Meanwhile, over at Tameside College, Young Willy Eckerslye sauntered into the lecture room, only to discover his physics professor face down on his desk, crying inconsolably. Willie put his hand on his shoulder and asked him: “Hey. What’s the matter?” The professor replied: “Anything that has mass and takes up space….”

Non-Stick Nora phoned Currys PC World, and the call went thus: “Hi, we bought a computer from you yesterday and it won’t turn on.” The Tech Services guy told her: “Press the big button.” She answered: “I’ve done that already.” He continued: “Try the cord at the back of the PC. Maybe it’s disconnected?” Nora sez: “Hang on. I’ll go and fetch a torch. Don’t go away, I’ll only be a minute.” The Tech Services guy asked her: “Why on earth do you need a torch?” She told him: “It’s dark. We have no electricity….”




Little Tarquin was crying because he was lost in town and stopped a policeman. He told him that he couldn’t find his daddy. The efficient copper asked him: "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" The policeman asked: “How old is your father?” Little Tarquin replied, “As old as me.” The copper laughed and sez: “How can that be?” He answered: “Well, he didn't become a father until I was born.” ” It's people like David Beckham, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin that give kids a bad name...

 

I took the missus out for dinner last weekend.  We visited a new French restaurant up Scropton Street.  The wife had frog legs and chicken thighs, but she’s got a wonderful personality....

 

When I was a kid, my dad always told me that the jingle of the ice cream van meant they had sold out.

 

Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside Colgate head office keeps disappearing.

 

When a Righteous Brother sang: "You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips." His missus sez: "Hold it right there, mister, there's only one way you'd know that!"

 

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Just for your own information, you can have a ton of gravel dropped off in your ex's driveway for a mere fifty quid.

 

In Romania, a geezer entered the bar and announced: “Free beers outside!” So, everyone in the bar, except the bartender, legged it outside in excitement. The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man, “What in Tarnation did you do that for? Now I have no customers!!” The man sez: “Sorry landlord, I  honestly didn’t reckon any of those blokes would be brave enough to fight one grizzly beer, let alone three of them”

                                        

I wondered if you have noticed the striking resemblance between the new Lord Mayor of Manchester and the Rt. Hon Edmund Blackadder, and does the former have a cunning plan?

The doctors esteemed prognosis....

                                   

                                      
Yesterday, my doctor advised me to pack in the booze. This will be a massive change for me. I have been with that doctor for 25 years. 

"I just can't abide it anymore, doc," I told him, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for twenty minutes, and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?" "I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there? Global warming is destroying the planet! Wildfires are engulfing the landscape, mega-volcanoes are waking from dormancy, spewing molten lava down the mountainside, engulfing the homesteads below! Putin has started World War III! Visibly shaken, I felt the urge to pay a visit, rushed into the toilet quickly, and all was well! Ashamed, but relieved, I thanked the doctor profusely. "No trouble at all," the doctor chuckled. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."

Last weekend I had dinner at an excellent Christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth". They also do takeaways.

The double-glazing salesman knocked on the door, and after a few seconds, it opened to reveal a boy about eight years old with a tumbler of malt whiskey in his hand, smoking a cigar. The salesman was flabbergasted and asked the kid, "Excuse me, are your parents home?" The boy took a puff of the cigar, sipped some whiskey, then replied: "What do you think?"

I’m currently in Tameside Hospital. Unfortunately, I have been diagnosed with this hide-and-seek virus. They are transferring me to ICU…

Maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws visited Scropton Street Casino, and as he meandered among the various gamblers, he noticed a poker table where one of the players was a dog. He was astounded and asked young Willy Eckerslyke, “Is that dog actually playing poker?” “Yes.” Willy replied. “That’s got to be the smartest dog in the world!” Chester exclaimed. “Nah,” Willie replied. “Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”

To impress her guests, Non-Stick Nora was preparing a complex Heston Blumenthal recipe of Escargot, which roughly translated is snails in garlic. She dispatches Barmy Albert to buy the snails, which he dutifully does, but then pops into the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub for a quick tankard of Farquharson's Auld and Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. He gets involved in a game of darts and dominoes; one thing leads to another, and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's after nine o’clock. Realising he's extremely late, Albert legs it home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. A furious Nora opens the door. “Where the hell have you been?” she screams. Albert waves back to the snails, “Come on, lads!” he shouts “We're almost there!”
  

                                                                     

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle had a row with his neighbour so in a fit of pique, he dumped an old wash basin on his front lawn. As Tommy was walking away, he shouted: “If you think I'm apologising, you’ve got another sink coming!”

A lawyer died and ended up at the pearly gates. “There’s got to be some mistake,” the lawyer opined, putting his case. “I’m far too young to die. I’m only 42 years old!” “Just 42? That doesn't sound right,” said St Peter. The lawyer sighed with relief. "Thank you so much. I knew this had to be some manner of error." "Ah, wait, here it is," St Peter declared, looking over his records. "According to our calculations, you're actually 102 years old." "Where in the world did you get that number? That’s completely fabricated.” The lawyer responded. St Peter replied: "Not according to all the hours you’ve invoiced your clients!”

                                            

The Seductive Specsavers Scenario!

                                    

I was on holiday in Turkey and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shave with a solid steel stone-ground razor, snip out nose and ear hairs, wax off chest and stray black hair, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife has never looked so good....

Barmy Albert told Tommy Grabknuckle that he argued with Non-Stick Nora and told her that what she’s wearing is wholly inappropriate for gardening. Tommy asked: “Did she listen to your advice?” Albert replied: “Nope. She’s digging in her heels…”

On the TV quiz show front, did they ever reveal what 'Blankety Blank' was actually called?

I told the barber that I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So, he gave me two cushions to sit on.

I spent the weekend installing a high-voltage electric fence around my property. My neighbour’s dead against it.

I recently had my pet frog Fritz DNA’d. Apparently, he's part German, part French and a tad Pole.

                       

  

Went to see my granny yesterday in the care home where she is domiciled and one of the residents kept saying what a pretty boy I am! I thought she's got good eyesight for her age. Ten minutes later I noticed that she was reading her newspaper upside down.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Seductively, she leaned in, lowered the lights, and looked straight into my eyes. I measure the mood, and go in for a kiss. Then the next thing, I’m being escorted out of Specsavers and banned from going in there anymore!

Two young chemistry students walk into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Trying to sound smart, the first one asked the barman for a pint of H20. He was served a glass of water. The other student, who was also trying to sound impressive, said, "I'll have a pint of H20 too." His funeral is next week.

Yesterday, I burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave a pepperoni and mushroom pizza in the oven while I take a power nap.

Hey! Andy Burnham! I reckon that I've come up with a credible solution to the illegal immigration and asylum seekers problem. Why don't you swap Border Force with GPs receptionists and then no one will get in. Furthermore, another brilliant brainwave that I’d dreamed up is: why don’t you get rid of all the Lollipop men/women and rebuild all the schools on the other side of the road!


                                           

Non-Stick Nora texts Barmy Albert at work: "Don't forget to get some bread. Oh, and your girlfriend Cynthia says hi." Albert was perplexed and asked: "Who's Cynthia?" Nora replied: "Nobody, just making sure you read my text." Albert sez: "Phew! I'm with Cynthia right now. I thought you copped us! Nora sez: "What?! Where are you?" Albert told her: "In the Wetherspoons next to the bakery." Nora is incandescent and tells him: "Stay there, I'm on my way!" Five minutes later: Nora: "I'm here, where are you?" "I’m still at work. While you're there, get a loaf!"

Maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws dad sadly passed away, so he goes to the undertaker and tells him he wants the best of everything for his father. The funeral is absolutely beautiful, and Chester is extremely pleased. The next day, Chester received an invoice for four thousand quid, and he pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for £85. He figures it's just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too. The following month, another bill for £85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, "I keep getting these bills for £85. I thought I paid for the funeral already?" The undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tuxedo from Moss Bros."

Bountiful bunkum and baloney from bounder Chester Draws...

                                            

Barmy Albert reluctantly agreed to paint the local church. Money was tight, so he surreptitiously watered down the paint to make it go a lot further. Halfway through the job, a violent storm rolled in. Thunder crashed. Lightning struck. Then a booming voice came from the sky: "How very dare you swindle MY church!" Albert fell to his knees and lay prostrate at the altar. "Lord, I'm sorry! What can I do to make recompense?" The voice replied: "Repaint... Repaint... and thin no more!"

I attended a dinner last week where they held a wine tasting event prior to the main event. I must admit that whenever I hear wine experts talk about a ‘complex’ wine, I assume they mean one that doesn't have a screw top. In an effort to improve my limited knowledge, I’ve joined a wine club. We meet at 9 am in the local park every morning.


In the spirit of Wimbledon, I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked on the internet to see the best way to serve them. It suggested I halve the strawberries, sprinkle them with icing sugar and pile cream on top. My verdict is that Preparation H tastes awful!

In the unlikely event I ever get offered three wishes by a genie, I not only have them all planned out in advance, but typed up in a Word document. One of them has fifteen subclauses (so far) to avoid any malicious genie skullduggery and malpractice.

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was telling Non-Stick Nora that her husband Tommy went to the local Co-op to get some spuds for their tea and he was hit by a van." Nora opined: "That’s terrible! What are you going to do now?" Elsie thought for a moment and replied: “I think I’ll go to the chippy!”.

Isn’t it fascinating how potatoes give us not only French fries, but vodka too! All the other vegetables should sort their life out and step up to the plate!

A shady character in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, asked if I wanted to buy a pocket calculator. I politely declined and told him in no uncertain terms: "No thanks, I already know how many pockets I have." The wife suggested, on the way to the pub, I drop my trousers at the dry cleaners, which I did. I got a round of applause but was banned from ever going in there again.

                                           

Master of bunkum and baloney, Chester Draws was on the prowl in his Double Glazed Windows company's reception area when he spotted a bloke languishing in the corner, doomscrolling on his phone. He asked him outright: "What are you doing?" The fella replied; wasting my time until I get paid." Chester was furious. "What is your monthly salary?" The guy replied: “Fifteen hundred quid.” Chester then counted out £1500 in cash and gave it to the man. "Take this money and get out! You don't work here anymore!" The bloke silently took the money and left. Chester walked up to the reception. "By the way, who was that guy?" With all the dignity that she could muster, the receptionist sez: "Pizza delivery."

I was in a Top Man store trying to buy a plain grey pin-striped jacket. The cashier asks for my email for the receipt. I told her: “No thanks. Just the jacket is fine.” She stops scanning, looks me dead in the eyes, and whispers: “Please just give me a fake one. My manager tracks my capture rate.” I panic and blurt out, batman@hotmail.com. She types it in, nods slowly, and says: “Thank you for your valued custom, Mr Wayne.”

Thursday Quiz: Q) How do you apply Tartan Paint? A) With a Bay City Roller.

I visited my local Chinese takeaway last night, and she asked me if I'd like to hear The Specials. They gave me Too Much Foo Yung....

                                              

Summer tales from the Scropton Street Back Snicket...

                    

It’s Saturday, and the heat has settled over Scropton Street like a damp towel someone forgot to wring out. Thirty‑six degrees, the kind of temperature that makes even the brickwork sweat. You stand at your window, watching the neighbourhood come to life in its usual, unhinged choreography.

Up the back snicket, the miscreants are stirring — a slow, feral awakening. Paddling pools materialise from sheds like relics of a forgotten civilisation, each one held together by 79% masking tape and 21% blind optimism. Four kids are already submerged in one, splashing around with a lolloping Lurcher and Uncle Derek, who’s cooling his cans of Carlsberg in the same tepid broth.

The shirtless tattooed blokes have emerged for their annual migration, pale as Matthews Turkey Twizzlers now, destined to resemble lobster thermidor by teatime. They still insist they “don’t burn, me,” even as their shoulders audibly sizzle.

The air outside is a cocktail of Factor 30, Lynx Africa, Hollands meat‑and‑potato pies, and the rancid pong of No. 32’s wheelie bin, which has been quietly fermenting since last Monday. Non‑Stick Nora is parading her new £15 fan from B&M like she’s installed full air‑con, while Barmy Albert’s nan sits in her conservatory in a buttoned‑up cardigan muttering, “It’s not that warm.”

The local Facebook group is already in meltdown. Half the posts are “Is this your dog?” The other half are people complaining about children screaming. It’s the first sunny weekend in eight months — they’re feral now. Accept it.

Tommy Grabknuckle is washing his Skoda with Fairy Liquid, blasting Max Bygraves’ 12‑inch Megamix cassette loud enough for three postcodes to harmonise. By early evening, two blokes will be arguing about whose turn it is to fetch more ale, someone’s kid will have lost his front teeth, and the air ambulance will probably be landing because Big and Daft Dave has attempted a somersault off the dog kennel into two feet of water.

Burnham BBC Breaking News Breakfast Bulletin....

 Young Woody Eckerslyke told Barmy Albert: "I'm having a clandestine dalliance with the vicar's wife. Could you distract him and have a long conversation about God and the bible in church for an hour after the service for me?" Woody asked. Albert wasn't comfortable with the concept, but as a good pal, he reluctantly agreed. Once the service ended, Albert began engaging the vicar with all sorts of pointless questions in an effort to buy Woody some time. Eventually, the vicar grew impatient and asked Albert what he was really up to. Riddled with guilt, Albert finally confessed, "Look, I'm very sorry. My mate Woody is having an assignation with your missus right now, and he asked me to keep you distracted." The vicar paused for a moment, smiled warmly, and with all the decorum that he could rally, placed a comforting hand on Barmy Albert's shoulder and sez: "You might want to hurry home, dear boy," he said. "My wife died over two years ago.”

                                                            

                                              

Andy Burnham visited one of the poorest towns in the North of England yesterday and asked the local mayor what the three priorities were to revitalise the area. “The first is the hospital”, he said. “It’s there, but there are just not enough doctors and nurses to fully staff it. Andy pulls out his cell phone, talks for a couple of minutes, and then announces: “Done. When I become Prime Minister, a team of doctors and nurses will arrive at the end of the month” “The second is the potholes; they’re everywhere” He picks up the cell phone again, says a couple more words, and announces: “Sorted! When I’m PM, they’ll be filled within a month. “And the third?” He asks. “The third is cell phones,” the mayor replies. “There’s just no signal whatsoever, and nothing works around here.”



Last weekend, I got home from a gig, and the wife wasn’t there; all her stuff was gone, and her wardrobe was empty. Then right in the middle of the TV screen, I spotted a Post-it note. It read as follows: “This isn’t working – Goodbye.” However, when I picked up the remote control and switched the telly on, it was working perfectly; Graham Norton was on, interviewing Madonna. The missus had me worried for a minute or two there. She’s in a bad place right now. Not mentally, just Gorton town centre.


                                                                

Q) What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?

A) A pool table.


                                  

A harridan with a face like a bulldog licking frog spawn from a thistle was in Tesco yesterday morning. She put the divider down for the bloke behind her in the queue. He didn't thank her, so she just picked it up and put it back. Honestly, that level of curmudgeonly, misanthropic pettiness was just awesome to witness.





A Moscow citizen goes to buy a car. He goes through all the endless red tape and bureaucracy, fills out the copious paperwork, and counts out all his rubles to pay for the car in advance. The official stamps his papers and says: "All right. Everything is in order. Come back in exactly ten years to pick up your car." The buyer scratches his head and asks: "Should I come back in the morning or the afternoon?" The official gets annoyed: "It's ten years from now! What difference does it make?" The citizen replies: "Well, the plumber is scheduled to come in the morning."



Here we are, 30-odd years on, and the Spice Girls' music has really stood the test of time. It's still bobbins!



An airline pilot goes to his wife and declares: "All my mates are telling me you are having an affair with an air traffic controller." "No, Roger.", says his wife with a big sigh, "I'm not having an affair with an air traffic controller. If I've told you once, I've told you niner-niner times. Roger. Over."

                                             

Non-Stick Nora has two handsome admirers. One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy. Every day, the doctor gives Nora a red rose. And every day, the deaf bloke gives her an apple.
One day, Nora asks the deaf geezer: "Hey, that doctor friend of mine gives me a red rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give me an apple a day?" And the deaf guy sez: "Eh?”



It was roasting hot last week, and we all should be thankful that it wasn’t snowing. Just imagine trying to shovel snow in that heat!