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Saturday, 13 November 2021

The eternal optimist....

 

                                              




I hear on the grapevine that it’ll be easier to buy a Tory MP then a Sony Playstation 5 this Christmas. Sleaze a jolly good fellow!



The countdown is on! It just sez on the TV adverts that Christmas wouldn’t be the same without M & S. This is true, because it would spell Chrita without the M & S wouldn’t it?



If anyone has no immediate family and will be eating Christmas dinner alone this year, then please contact me because I need to borrow some chairs. Thanks in anticipation.



In order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day, I sometimes phone up any of the ‘Best Western’ hotels. They answer: “Best Western” Then I say: “Blazing Saddles directed by Mel Brooks.”

                                                  



Another great way to alleviate boredom is to go into B & Q and play hide and seek with the staff. You may have already played this game, without realising it. Picture the scene. You cannot locate whatever you want and you see a geezer in an orange apron. You walk towards him and he miraculously disappears!



A fella went into a supermarket, asking to buy half a lettuce. The young shop assistant told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole lettuce, only a half. The assistant said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The assistant walked into the manager’s office and said, "There's some cretin out there who wants to buy only a half a lettuce." As he finished speaking, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager Okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Afterwards, the manager said "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier on, but I must say I was most impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" "Manchester, sir" came the staunch reply. "Oh really? Why did you leave Manchester?" Asked the boss. The shop assistant said, "Nothing but easy women and football players over there." "Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Manchester!!" "No kidding!" Sez the boy. "What team did she play for?"



Non Stick Nora reckons that clear nail varnish makes an excellent substitute for Tippex when you haven’t made a mistake...

                                           

Always remember that it’s the I before the E. Except when your foreign neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird!

 

Barmy Albert always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."  To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Albert could  find no hope in it.  On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Albert, did you hear about Sid? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That`s awful," said Albert, "But it could have been a lot worse."  "How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"   "Well," replied Albert, "If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"


I am away next week, so remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com     Now, get back to work!



                                   




Monday, 8 November 2021

It weren't me Mr Higginbottom, it were our Alfie....

 

                             




Barmy Albert sez to Non Stick Nora: “I’m going to Bury Market to get some black puddings. Do you want some?” Nora replied: “Definitely not. I hate black puddings!” Albert asked her: “Well, where do you get your iron from then?” Nora thought for a minute and replied: “Argos...”



A Wise Investment! A London lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Aristotle, I have some good news and, I have some bad news. “ The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your missus today, and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right." Aristotle replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary..."



I went round to see old Elsie Grabknuckle and she kindly gave me a generous portion of her home made acorn soup. Her little Jack Russell dog kept jumping up and barking at me. I asked her what was wrong with the hound and she replied: “You’ve got his bowl...”



In the halcyon 70’s era, I participated in a TV programme at Granada with Lance Percival. He was a brilliantly funny guy and he informed me that although Lance was an uncommon name, in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot! Fascinating!

                              



I visited Chester Zoo and this monkey asked me if he could borrow a tin opener. I told him that he wouldn’t need a tin opener to peel a banana and he curtly informed me: “It’s for the custard.”

As I become older, I learn much more every single day. For instance, did you know that you can buy a birthday cake, eat it all yourself and nobody checks up on you! Furthermore, you should never sit on the floor without a strategy of how you’re going to get back up again!



A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, 'Who the hell was that?' 'Oh,'replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.' 'Well, that's the last straw,'says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce.' 'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.' Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. 'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife. That's his mistress,' says her husband. 'Ours is prettier,' she replies... 



Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!


                                  



Saturday, 30 October 2021

The Facebook Community Standards Farrago....

                                                  



Isn’t it strange that a UK fishing boat was detained by the French, yet they continue to miss the hundreds of dinghies that are floating across the channel on a regular basis!
                                     



As I become older, I learn much more every single day. For instance, did you know that you can buy a birthday cake, eat it all yourself and nobody checks up on you! Furthermore, you should never sit on the floor without a strategy of how you’re going to get up again.

Non Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were invited to a fancy dress party, up Scropton Street at the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Unfortunately, Nora came down with a terrible migraine and told Albert to go to the party alone. Being a devoted spouse he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some paracetamol and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. Nora, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since Albert did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted Barmy Albert cavorting around on the dance floor, canoodling with every nice woman he could, and copping a little grope here and a little snog there. Nora then sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted all his time to Nora who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a romantic tryst! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would make for his appalling behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never, ever have a good time when you're not there with me." "Did you dance much?" "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Daft Eddie, Pete and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the vault and played darts all night. But you're not going to believe what happened to the bloke I loaned my costume to...."

I purchased some of those Cadburys Chocolate Animals. It sez on packet 'Do not consume if seal is broken' Well, I opened them and guess what!

                                   



Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their groin when they’re enquiring where the lavvy is?

                                       



Fascinating Fact: Did you know that women spend more time wondering exactly what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking. Who’d a thowt it?



                                  



The human body is about 75% water. On that basis, I'm not fat, just flooded and a lot easier to see!



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung! Top of Form


               




Monday, 25 October 2021

Sauntering up Scropton Street....


                                        





I went up to the Ryanair check-in desk this morning. The girl asked: "Do you have any reservations?" I said: "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway." We flew alongside an Emirates plane, so we could watch their movie...

Non Stick Nora was in a mood because Barmy Albert was late coming home again from the darts night at Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, so she decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me”. Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, Albert comes home and she could hear him in the kitchenette before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote summat on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, it’s about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French negligence. I love you and can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left. She heard the Reliant Robin roar off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're out of beer, gone to Co-op, I’ll be back in ten minutes...”

                               



I must admit that I don’t like making plans for the day, primarily because then the word "premeditated" gets bandied around the courtroom.



Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Yeah right! Nice try, basket industry!



You know that tingly little feeling you get down your spine when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body...



Non-Stick Nora loves Halloween. The cobwebs in her house look like decorations....



Whilst sauntering up Scropton Street, I always greet every stranger I bump into with ‘Many Happy Returns!’ I do receive copious amounts of blank expressions, however,it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ 'ell did you know?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of months, I guarantee everyone will be saying it...

                                          



Barmy Albert walks into the street and hails a passing hackney carriage. "Perfect timing" he sez to the driver. "You're just like Tommy" "Who ?" asks the cabbie. "Tommy Grabknuckle. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a bloke." replied the driver "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like aa Apple iPad. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, and was a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. Change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a man!" "He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes highly polished. He was the perfect geezer. No-one could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him ?" "Oh, I never met Tommy. I just married his f***ing widow"





Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!