Barmy Albert’s Ten-Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House....

                                             

In a nutshell, the 2026 Winter Olympic Games held in Milano Cortina consist of 16 different ways of sliding. Personally, I’d want it all gritting before I went down those perilous slopes.

When I was young, I always reckoned that only wealthy folk owned a Bose music system, whereas we skint members of society had Sony products. I now realise that they were just stereotypes….

My dietician advised me that I’m eating too much junk food, my dentist told me that I’m brushing my teeth incorrectly, and my personal trainer sez that I’m exercising wrong. However, when I went into the wine store to purchase a bottle of fine Argentinian Malbec, the sommelier geezer told me I’d made an excellent choice!

Valentine's Day! Got the missus a new bag and a matching belt. The Vacuum cleaner works fine now. While I’m talking about ladies' handbags, I went to the Trafford Centre and she asked me to hold it while she tried a new gansy on. When this occurs, what do us blokes do? Am I supposed to own it and strike a pose, or hold it at arm's length so everyone knows it’s not mine? Wife: Can you look in my handbag and bring me my purse? Every man ever brings the entire handbag.

Fascinating Fact: In middle age, the growth of a woman's hair on her legs slows down, which allows her more time to care for her newly acquired moustache.



Men often misinterpret exactly what women are endeavouring to convey. Women are very fickle, and us blokes should exercise extreme caution! Now read on: Non-Stick Nora phoned Barmy Albert the other day, and the conversation went thus:

Nora: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”

Albert; “What about it?”

Nora; “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”

Albert: “Right, I’ve done that”

Nora: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”

Albert: “I can see that, yeah.”

Nora: “Just behind him, two gladiators are having a sword fight with each other!”

Albert: “Okay, I see them.”

Nora: “Well, behind them two, on the left-hand side of the screen, a gladiator is guarding the gate holding a spear.”

Albert: “Yes! I can see him!”

Nora: Can you see his feet?

Albert: Yes, I can!

Nora: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”

                           

 



Barmy Albert’s Ten-Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House:

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Always work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. Many fine tools are there, it’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. Moreover, beer is in the fridge!

5. If it's technology or electronic, either get a new one or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple-minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try switching it off, then turning it on again; or merely paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the Apple iPad while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, cursing, splattering, smashing, battering and throwing sometimes
does help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, that's the end of skydiving.

                                       

  

RIP John Virgo...

                                    

Mandelson has let Starmer down; he’s let the Labour Party down, but most of all, he’s let his trousers down. Meanwhile, Starmergeddon continues apace. However, it won’t be for much longer. He’ll be gone by the end of this week.

Young Woody and Willy Eckerslyke have just signed up for a 12-month course on making ladies hats. They reckon that this time next year, they’ll both be milliners.

Whoever named this month February must’ve also had summat to do with the word Wednesday. Maybe their name was Siobhan, and she lived in Cholmondeley or Featherstonehaugh? Moreover, whoever named dentures missed out on an opportunity to call them substhitooths

Breaking News: Yesterday, a security guard tasered a trainee at the Ann Summers branch in Bilbao for sorting the corsets by size. They suspect she was a Basque separatist.

Riddle me this: When will Nigel Farage explain to folk exactly how he’s going to fix Britain whilst employing most of the clowns who broke it in the first place?

I’m starting to think that I’ll never be old enough to know any better…

I had a bloke knock at my door and sez: “I’ve come to tune your piano.” I told him that I’ve never booked him to call. He replied: “I know you haven’t. Your neighbours did!”

I was languishing in my local pub, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when this young lady told me that if I went outside, she’d show me a good time. I followed her outside, and she ran 100 metres in 9.58 seconds!
                              

When men get drunk, they talk rubbish, become really emotional and like to fight for no apparent reason. I really must applaud women and take my hat off to them. They manage to do all that, without drinking!

Barmy Albert and Tommy Grabknuckle were out playing golf. Albert stood over his tee shot for what felt like forever — lining it up, squinting at the distance, licking his finger to check the wind, the full works. Eventually, his mate, old Tommy, snapped, “Oi! Are you playing golf or writing a flaming letter? Hit it!” Albert opined, “Non-Stick Nora is up there watching from the clubhouse. I want this one to be perfect.” Tommy shook his head in disbelief and replied: “Don’t be daft, mate — you’ll never hit her from here.”

When they got home, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert to nip to Tesco. Albert sez: "Sure, what do you need?" Nora declared, "We're all out of canned soup, and I want a cauliflower to go with the roast tonight. Oh, and can you drop into Curry's and confirm the delivery time on the new refrigerator?" "Yes, no problem. Anything else?" "Oh, and I need a reel of knicker elastic for the sewing I was going to do. The supermarket stuff is good enough. And while you're there, I need eggs for baking—oh, Birds Eye frozen peas. I want peas and cauliflower as well. Is all that okay?" "Yes, sure." "And," she added, "you're running low on those minty chlorophyll tablets for your bad breath. You'd better stop by the pharmacy." "Right," Albert replied: "So that's... Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."

Fascinating Fact: If you were born in the 50’s, raised in the 60’s and made it to 2026, then you’ve lived through eight different decades, two centuries, two different millenia and you’re not even 80 yet!

RIP John Virgo. One of our best men. There’ll never be another. Sleep well, my friend, until we meet again.  

                                    

When one door closes....

                                                      

Why don’t they take Trump to Alaska, tell him it’s Greenland and that it’s now part of America? This would save a lot of kerfuffle, and they could even do a ribbon-cutting exercise and give him a little trophy for good measure.

My favourite coat is falling apart, and I'm going to have to throw it out, or sew its seams. It’ll be gone, but knot for cotton.

The wife told me that she’d made the chicken soup, which was a relief, because I thought it was for us. She’s a terrible cook. She uses the smoke alarm as a timer!

My Grandad always told me that when one door closes, another one opens. He was a clever bloke, but a lousy cabinet maker. He passed away on his 90th birthday. We only got up to 62 on the bumps!

Barmy Albert and young Woody Eckerslyke went out to play golf. Albert noticed that Woody only had one ball. “Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" Albert asked. Young Woody replied that he only needed the one. "Are you sure?" Albert persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" Woody sez: “This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it, so I don't need another one." Well," Albert asked, "What happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," Woody replied, "This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" “That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back, no problem." Exasperated, Albert asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," Woody answered, "You see, this ball is luminous. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, Albert asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Woody replies, "I found it."

                         

 

Non-Stick Nora saunters into Scropton Street Shoe Emporium and asks for a pair of alligator shoes. The salesman told her that they would cost over £500! After becoming frustrated with the salesman, she said, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shoe salesman replied with a sly smile, "Well, Nora, why don't you go give it a try?" Nora headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted her standing waist-deep in the murky water, catapult in hand. He saw a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly towards her. With lightning reflexes, Nora took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead alligators, all lying belly up. The salesman watched in amazement as Nora struggled with the beast. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed, “OH NO! – THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT TOO!”

THURSDAY QUIZ: Q) What do you call the preserved remains of a caveman cleaning his teeth?

A) A flossil.

Q) What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

A) Tide.



When I was a little kid, and left the door wide open, my mum used to ask me if I was born in a barn, which is really odd, because you’d think that she would’ve remembered something like that

                                           

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The Brooklyn Beckham Balderdash Beckons..

                                         

The hound wanted to go out in the early hours, and I couldn’t sleep, so I put on BBC News 24. At that unearthly hour, it becomes the sign zone for deaf folk and features a woman in the right-hand corner of the screen who thinks she can dance. She also rapidly translates the news agenda into Sign Language. Last week, there were horrendous storms in the Lake District, and she had three attempts at Cockermouth before abandoning the process completely.

Fascinating Fact: Many teenagers actually turn into competent drivers. Moreover, if you’re a competent driver, then keep a lookout for turning teenagers!

In my local pub, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife last week, Dastardly Derek, the barkeep, shouted: “Do anyone know CPR?” I yelled back: “I know all those letters!” Everybody laughed, except this one bloke….

Brooklyn Beckham is of the profound opinion that he had it tough growing up. I reckon that we all had it much harder because we had to listen to his mother sing.

                              

As my photograph illustrates, Andy Burnham's leadership challenge was blocked because Starmer could see it coming!

Young Willy Eckerslyke was absolutely paralytic drunk, his shirt was torn, and he had lipstick marks all over his face, as he staggered onto the 237 Bus in Stalybridge and flopped down right next to a priest. He pulls out his iPhone and, after doomscrolling for a few minutes, turns to the priest and sez: “Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?” The priest gazes at him with a saturnine grimace. He sternly replies: “Arthritis, my son comes to those who have strayed from the path of righteousness and who have dalliances with strumpets, harlots and trollops, and abuse alcohol!” Young Willy is astounded by this answer and replies, “Really?” He goes silent and stares thoughtfully through the window. The priest begins to feel guilty about being so harsh with this vulnerable young man and softens his tone. He asked: “Well, alright, my son, how long have you had arthritis?” Young Willy sez; “I don’t have it. I was just reading a news item that says the Pope suffers from arthritis.”
                                   

Life has taught Barmy Albert two important lessons. He doesn’t remember the first one anymore, but the second is: write everything down! 

                                                       

  

I’ve been totally engrossed in a book about Stockholm Syndrome. I must confess that I didn’t like it at first; in fact, I found the prognosis of the malady quite disconcerting. Then all of a sudden, although I think it may have been gradual, I couldn’t put it down. It was the same when I read a book on how to make glue. I couldn’t put that book down either

TOP TIP: Avoid burning your Hawaiian pizza by setting the oven at aloha temperature.

THURSDAY QUIZ: Q) What do you call the preserved remains of a caveman cleaning his teeth?

A) A flossil.

Q) What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

A) Tide.


The missus asked me: “Does this dress make me look fat?” I was most polite and reassured her that it had nothing to do with the dress. She waddled out of the shower yesterday and asked me to close the bedroom curtains so that the neighbours wouldn’t see her naked. I sez: “When they see you, they’ll shut their own curtains!” That’s when the fight started!

Making coffee yesterday morning, and discovered that we had run out of milk. Luckily, our 93-year-old next-door neighbour Agnes had loads of it piled up on her step. Newspapers galore, too!

Non-Stick Nora saunters into Scropton Street Pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some paraquat. The chemist asked her why she wanted paraquat. Nora advised her: “I want to poison my husband, because he’s been unfaithful" The Chemist said, "I can't give you paraquat- it's against the law, and I would lose my licence and get struck off!” Nora reaches into her handbag and produces a photograph of her husband in bed with the chemist's wife. The Chemist replied: "Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

KEN DODD Tattyfilarious!

Standing as the last great titan of the music hall tradition, Ken Dodd believed a comedy show was an endurance test for everyone involved. With his wild hair and legendary "tickling stick," he was a living cartoon who brought a surreal, high-energy frenzy to the stage. Dodd was famous for his five-hour sets, often refusing to let the audience leave until well past midnight, firing off one-liners at a rate that left people physically exhausted. He viewed himself as a "jester" whose sole purpose was to dispense joy.

He created the "Diddymen," mythical creatures from the Liverpool suburb of Knotty Ash, turning a simple neighbourhood into a kingdom of jam butties and treacle mines. This world-building was a form of folk-art, a surrealist escape that appealed to children and adults alike. Dodd was also a record-breaking singer, with his anthem "Happiness" reflecting his unpretentious philosophy that a laugh was the most valuable thing a person could own. Despite a high-profile tax trial—which he brilliantly turned into material—his popularity never wavered, because the public recognised his total dedication.

He kept meticulous notebooks of every gig he ever played, analysing which jokes worked in which towns with the rigor of a scientist. This obsession with the craft meant that he remained a master of timing until his final performances at age 90. Dodd was a bridge to a vanished world of variety, a man who treated every audience like a family gathering. He proved that pure silliness is a timeless virtue and that the best way to spend a night is in a theatre, losing track of time while a man in a red, white, and blue suit tells you jokes.

It's what he would have wanted,,,,

                                       

If any of my readers know someone who can correct botched cosmetic surgery, I’m all ears…

All the pipes at home were frozen solid last week, and we had no water for a couple of days. The domestic supply was the bottled variety, and we conserved it as much as possible. The missus put a note in the bathroom, which read: ‘Save Water! Don’t forget to put in Percy Plug before turning on Tommy Tap. I wrote underneath, “And don’t put too much Sammy Soap on Fanny Flannel!” That’s when the fight started!

The wife (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers party, whatever that is. Apparently, it's just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries. She purchased some really odd items. She bought some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don’t eat her cooking, so I’m not going to eat her vest, am I? She made a rhubarb pie last week, it was two foot long and one inch wide! She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I desired. So, I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went down to Wetherspoons.

There’s a recipe by Mary Berry, and she says that you can use ‘leftover beer’ to make battered chicken wings. What exactly is leftover beer? I was also trying to construct Mary Berry’s Octopus soup. What a flamin’ fiasco! They have suckers on their tentacles, so I couldn’t get it off the tiled Kitchenette floor! It took me two hours to get the little critter in the pan, then when I eventually got it up on the hob, it kept turning the gas off!

                                       

  

I’m uncertain what is more horrifying. What is happening in our world, or the number of folks who are unconcerned with what is happening in our world?

I got a lot of abuse from mourners at my friend's funeral last Friday. He died from drowning, and I took a floral wreath in the shape of a life jacket. Although everyone thought that it was in poor taste, it’s exactly what he would have wanted…

Barmy Albert was in his local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and was stuck on the crossword. Non-Stick Nora asked him what the clue was, and Albert replied: “Comedy actor who sang My Boomerang Won’t Come Back.” Nora sez: “I know this one. It’s Benny Hill.” Dastardly Dennis, the barkeep, advised: “It’s Charlie Drake.” Nora told him: “It couldn’t have been Charlie Drake. She’s the one who does the gardening programme without a bra,” Barmy Albert replied, “No. You’re wrong again. That’s Alan Titmarsh.”

Thursday Quiz: I am the first on earth, the second in heaven. I appear twice in a week, although you can only see me once in a year. What am I?

Liverpool Police pulled over a local Toxteth lad and were flabbergasted to discover that the vehicle was taxed, had a current MOT and was fully and comprehensively insured. The car wasn’t stolen, and no drugs or stolen merchandise were found in a thorough search. The driver was breathalysed and was sober, he possessed a full licence and no points. A police spokesman said: “We had no other option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.”

Fascinating Fact: Koi carp always swim around in groups of four. If a predator attacks them, Koi’s A, B and C scatter quickly, leaving behind the D Koi.

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many, not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. Charles Dickens.

                         

  

That Was The Year That Was!

                                     

My New Year's resolution is to stop using spray-on aerosol deodorant. Roll On 2026! I remember going to see Dr Hook in 1976. It was the worst prostate examination ever!

Breaking News: Sam Allardyce has been appointed as the President of Venezuela until the end of the season.

Fascinating Fact: Before I got married, I was unaware that there was an incorrect way to eat, drink, sleep, chew and breathe, et cetera.

I went to the doctor with a nasty cough, and he asked me, "Have you started smoking again?" I replied: "No, why?" He sez: "That’s a shame. I'm selling 200 Lambert & Butler for forty quid.” After completing a thorough medical examination from the doctor, I asked, "Well, Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor replied: "That's what puzzles me.Anyway, I have your test results back. It would appear that you have early onset rigor mortis.”

Barmy Albert always had an aversion to milk since he was very young. He still maintains this peccadillo right up to the present day. It’s because his mother ran off with the milkman when he was just a little kid. Watching them drive away on his float was probably the most miserable two hours of his entire life. Then just yesterday, Non-Stick Nora sez to him, “Nip to the Co-op and get a litre of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” Albert duly returned, and Nora started ranting and raving at the poor soul, “You absolute moron! Why the heck have you brought back twelve litres of milk, for God’s sake?” With all the dignity Albert could muster, He replied, “They had eggs….”



If my body were a car, I would definitely be trading it in for a more state-of-the-art model. I've got bumps, dents, scratches and my paint job is splattered with varicose veins. My headlamps are out of plonk. My traction isn’t as graceful as it once was. My head cloth is now grey. My gearbox is just about seized up. It takes me hours to reach maximum speed. I overheat for no reason. But worst of all is that every time I sneeze, cough, or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Non-stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having trouble remembering things, so they decided to visit their doctor to get checked out and ensure everything was okay. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the difficulty they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay but might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night, while watching TV, Albert got up from his chair and Nora asked, "Where are you going?" Albert replies, "To the kitchenette." Nora asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He sez: "No, I can remember that." She replied, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He says, "I’m not stupid! I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that, so you'd better write it down." With irritation in his voice, Albert shouts, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember all that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of sausage and baked beans. Nora stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

I had a tankard of ale with old Tommy Grabknuckle in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley-Knife, and he told me that he’d caught his 12-year-old grandson looking up ladies' skirts. I informed him that they tend to do that at his age. “No.” He opined. “This was on Amazon!”

                               

 

With all the current ridiculous shenanigans occurring in America, has anyone considered unplugging Donald Trump and plugging him back in again, to see if there’s any improvement? There was an American bloke I met in Manchester. He sez: “Hey, boy, ya see that building over there, why back in the States, we have buildings a hundred times bigger!” I replied: “I’m not surprised, it’s a lunatic asylum!”

I bumped into young Willy Eckerslyke on Scropton Street back snicket. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened." He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout. I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well, I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in again."

Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.

I’m currently reading a book on DIY house construction, by Bill Jerome Holmes.