It was raining torrentially last Sunday, and the wife (My wife is a stunner. She works down the local abbatoir.) had planned to go down to our local pub, The Pit Bull and Stanley-Knife, but she had fallen out of the first- floor window, whilst ironing the curtains. The missus had a split shift rota-system at work to adhere to on Monday, (she is a gritter over Woodhead) so she wanted just to ‘chill-out’. I suppose, that’s what gritters do. Meanwhile, my next-door neighbour ‘Barmy Albert’ was shuffling around his house feeling thoroughly dejected and suffering compound manic depression. His wife, ‘Non-Stick’ Nora, has left him. She had gone out last week for a bottle of milk, and never came back. I asked him how he was coping, he replied, “Luckily, I had a tin of that powdered stuff”.
The countdown is on! The missus wanted to know what was my favourite Christmas Carol. Apparently, ‘Vorderman’ was the wrong answer. That’s when the fight started!
While out hunting, with the boys, Barmy Albert got into hot water yet again and ended up in court for shooting down a Golden Eagle. The judge wanted to know why he had committed such a heinous crime, recklessly killing a protected species. In his defence, Albert told the judge that he’d been shooting clay pigeons and the gun had gone off by accident and the next thing he knew was that the bird fell at his feet and there was nothing he could do about it. It wasn’t done on purpose. It was a genuine accident. The judge asked Albert what became of the remains of the bird. In mitigation, Albert said that as the animal was already deceased, they took it back to camp and roasted it over the campfire and consumed it that very night. The judge was flabbergasted! In his summing up, he said: “I don’t believe that you actually ate a protected species! Could you tell me what it tasted like?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “It tasted a bit like swan…”
Two pigs were freezing in the snow and one says to the other: “It’s flippin’ perishing cold today, me trotters are frozen solid!” The other pig sez: "Don't worry, I’ve heard that we’re getting some blankets for Christmas."
I had an altercation with the manager of our local Tesco over the weekend. I was ejected from the staff canteen and was thrown out! I told them I was on my break, but they insisted that I didn’t work there and the facilities were for employees only. I told them that I’d been using the self-service till on a regular basis, so I clearly do work there, albeit unpaid! I’m looking forward to the Christmas do!
Innit awful gerrin auld. A very elderly gentleman (mid 90s), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid 80s). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?", "Yes, that’s the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
We were on the High St yesterday and the missus asked me: "What have you got me for Krimbo?" I sez, "You see that big pink Mercedes Convertible over there?" She breathlessly replies, "Yeah!" I sez, "I got you a hairbrush, the exact same colour!"