Storm Austin by Steven P Taylor....

 

Don’t bring on this ‘Storm Austin,
Don’t bring on this wind,
Get back to the norm Austin,
Make this gust rescind.

Make the weather warm, Austin,
Shut out all this cold,
Don’t mess with the form, Austin,
Consider yourself told.

You’re taking all the blame Austin,
You’re taking all the crap.
Don’t bring on this ‘Storm, Austin’
There’s a proper chap.

Never give two names...

                                    

BREAKING NEWS: A hospital porter was sacked amid bullying claims. A spokesman said, "he was always pushing people around!"

Having a dog is basically just being the Imperial Wizard of a very small parade into the kitchenette for approximately one hundred times a day!

Genie: “You have three wishes. What is your first wish?”

Barmy Albert: “I wish there were no more lawyers.”

Genie: “Your wish is granted. You have used up all your wishes.”

Barmy Albert: “But you said I had three wishes.”

Genie: “Sue me!”


                                         

Fascinating Fact; There is a bloke on the This Morning programme on telly who is sexually attracted to seaweed. I think he should sea kelp.



I reckon that I'm only fat because I'm clumsy and keep walking into things. Like Domino’s Pizza, chip shops and Greggs bakery!



I’ve just spotted a post on a girl's Facebook wall. It said she was looking for a friend with benefits. I replied to her: "I'm on Universal Credit, babe!"

                                       

 



My daughter Suzie is expecting a baby and we were discussing suitable names, and she told me that she wanted something original." I suggested: "What about Werthers?”



TOP TIP: If your wife asks you to make a bird table, do not put her sixth on the list.



Fascinating Fact: I have it on good authority that junction 6 of the M60 is for Sale.

                               

                                     

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and a shady character tried to sell me an "antique conker" the other day, but I wasn't falling for that old chestnut. A few minutes later, A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle I said to my mate Barmy Albert: "It's going to kick off in a minute!"

                               

What with the exorbitant price of fuel nowadays, they really had got fuel economy mastered to a fine art in the Middle Ages. I read somewhere that Christopher Columbus did over 4000 miles to the West Indies on a mere three galleons. In fact, money has got so tight recently. As a whiskey connoisseur, that's no joke. It's got so bad that I'm now drinking Unknown Grouse!



Can someone tell me if it’s true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up? I await a reply with bated breath...



Yesterday, I spoke on the telephone to a geezer called Guy Chapman. Technically speaking, his name roughly translates to: Bloke-Bloke- Bloke.



Non-Stick Nora has gone hi-tech and is now selling batteries in our local park. She sells C cells by the seesaw! Who’d a thowt it!



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

Top Tip: Surprise the missus by booking a romantic Paris city break, to rekindle your relationship or to celebrate your wedding anniversary….

 

The Man You Knighted....

                            

Many happy returns to Brian Blessed. Not many people know that Brian Blessed is a highly accomplished horse whisperer; However, he has to stand in the next field.



Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having one of their surreal conversations: Nora sez: "You remember Tommy Grabknuckle, the bloke who used to smoke forty Benson and Hedges cigarettes a day? Well, I saw him the other day, and he hadn't had a cigarette in months. That's willpower. And remember Chester draws the alcoholic? Well, now he's the leader of the local Alcoholics Anonymous group. Now that's willpower," Albert sighs. "Okay, you want to see willpower? How about I start sleeping in the guest room every night? We'll see who has willpower" Three months later, they are still sleeping separately when Nora knocks on the guest room door in the middle of the night. She let herself in. "I'm not sure if you heard, but Chester Draws is drinking again!"

                                    

I once spotted Sir Alex Ferguson sauntering out of Buckingham Palace. I remember asking the Queen, “Was that the man you knighted?”



Finding one of her pupils gurning faces at others on the playground, Miss Turtle stopped to gently reprimand the kid. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Turtle, you can't say you weren't warned." You can say whatever you want about Miss Turtle, but she tortoise well!

                                         

The Uber driver spouted inane drivel constantly. I asked him: “Have you been doing this for long?” "Yeah, about twenty odd years now," the driver replies." Ah, so you must know the area pretty well then?" I continued. “Like the back of my hand,” the driver answers. “You really get to know the ins and outs of a place when you're driving it day after day. You see many of the same faces in your back seat, recognise people going about their same daily routines. Of course, the people inevitably change but the spirit of the place really does stay the same. Anyways, why do you ask?” I replied: “It's just that you passed my house five streets ago!”


                                                 
Just back from a Tameside Hospital appointment. Apparently, I’ve got a condition that turns my skin Battleship Grey. I’ve been informed that dad was A Carrier.  

                                             

Coming home late at night from a gig...

                                                  

Well, I've never known anything like it! What a crazy day we’ve had today! The police knocked on our door this morning at 6:30 am. The efficient policeman told me:  “Do the letters H.B. mean anything to you?” They asked.

“No"  I advised him.”

“What about G.D. then?”

“Nope, it means nothing to me,” I replied.

“How about A.P.?”

“Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?”

“No sir.” They sez: “These are just initial enquiries.”

 
           

Fascinating Fact: Women think it’s sexy seeing a man put on a uniform. But not apparently when you’re a Lollipop Man.



I told my doctor, "I've got an ingrown toenail, a verruca, athlete's foot, and sweaty feet."

He said, "I wouldn't like to be in your shoes."



Elton John wanted to send his friends an invitation to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn't find the appropriate phrase. Apparently, Soiree seems to be the hardest word.


                           

A kid was sent home from school one day. Dad asks what for.

Kid says, "Teacher asked what three times four is, and I said twelve."

Dad says, "but that's correct."

Kid says, "I know, but then she asked what four times three is."

Dad says, "What's the f**king difference?"

Kid says, "That's exactly what I said!"



Barmy Albert staggers into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and asks the bartender

“I’ll have a sh-sh-sh… shingled roof. The bartender asks him: “What’s that?”

Albert replied: “Something that’s on the house…”



                                                 

Coming home late at night from a gig, through some very lonely, desolate tarmacadam infrastructure, with only Eddie Stobart for company, all of us go a little doo-lally; whether from stage-fright or just the all-night drive, we become a contender in a scenario that no one else has ever experienced. Join me in this nightmare farrago by clicking on www.Comedian.ws or email me at comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Woody and the matching socks....

                                 

Barmy Albert said to young Willy Eckerslyke, "I can't believe it. I just lost all seven football bets I 
made, all five greyhound bets, and the three bets I made on the horses. l just don't know what I'm going to do." Young Willy sez: "Well, there's a hockey game tonight." Albert thought for a minute and replied: "Hockey? I don't know anything about hockey."



A speed cop pulls over three guys on a motorcycle "Are you guys serious?! Three people on one bike?" The pillion rider replied, "Three?! Oh shit... Tommy must’ve fallen off!"



I took the missus to a nudist beach - she spent two and a half hours deciding what not to wear!



Fascinating Fact: If your Chromosomes are XX, you're a woman. If they are XY, you’re a man. And if they are YI, then you’re a Geordie.



If God ever contacts me to tell me I have fifteen minutes left to live, I’m gonna spend those fifteen minutes on a rowing machine because it’ll feel like 24 hours.

                                  

Young Woody Eckerslyke was so naïve, as a kid of 21, a woman in a bar once whispered to him, "My socks match my panties." Woody thought that strange, because she wasn’t even wearing socks. And he thought, " Man, she’s as thick as a crofter's gherkin!”



I’ve just paid £25 for a four mile Uber ride to the laundrette. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners…



Non-Stick Nora bought a new fridge for her kitchenette. To get rid of her old fridge, she put it outside and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to a good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days, the fridge sat there without one person looking twice at it. She eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so she changed the sign to read: "fridge for sale £50." The next day, some scallywag nicked it...

                                                         

                            

The Animal Rights Activist’s annual barbecue...

                                              

Twisted Firestarter Donald Trump is at it again! He’s only gone and changed Lake Ontario to Lake America! Great and vital presidential work, I say! In retaliation, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has rebranded Canadian geese as Donald Ducks.

Barmy Albert will never forget the look on Non-Stick Nora's face when he gave her her 40th birthday card. With a forlorn frown and tears in her eyes, she said: “One would have done…”

Maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws was impeccably dressed and looking quite distinguished and sartorially elegant when he sauntered into a very expensive restaurant in Paris's 6th arrondissement. He wore a tailored suit, a silk tie and highly polished black Gucci shoes. Chester ordered champagne, foie gras, lobster and a vintage bottle of Bordeaux. For dessert, he selected the most expensive item on the menu and ordered a brandy. When he had finished his meal, the waiter presented him with the bill. Chester looked at the waiter and said, “I don't know if you remember me, but many, many years ago I was quite down on my luck. I came here for a meal, and when it came time to pay, I couldn't.” The waiter looked at him more closely. “You publicly humiliated me,” Chester continued. “You had security march me through the restaurant and throw me out into the street.” The waiter suddenly remembered the incident. His face turned bright red, and he began to apologise profusely. Chester held up his hand. “Don't worry, old chap,” he said. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to do it again.”

When I was a little kid, my mum gave me some devastating news. She told me that I was adopted. I must confess that I teared up a bit, then cried hard and burst out, "I want to meet my real parents.” To which my mother replied, “We are your real parents. Now go and pack up all your stuff. You were adopted, and they'll be here in a few minutes."
                                       

Yesterday, I visited Aldi to buy an angle grinder, a two-man tent and a riding hat. I came out with a loaf, a litre of skimmed milk and some teabags!

The day before, I was in Tesco, buying wine and using the self-checkout, so it had to be approved. When the assistant came over, I asked in a jocular fashion: “Do I need to show you some I.D.?” Without missing a beat, she replied: “That ship has long since sailed.”

Breaking News: Police have arrested three armed men near the Cellarfield nuclear power station.

Just turned down a gig in the Middle East. My agent wanted me to go to Riyadh, but I said No, No, No!