Trumps tariffs (another word for tax!) have spectacularly backfired. I spotted a bloke attempting to purchase a ”Make America Great Again.” baseball cap and when informed that it would cost a staggering two hundred dollars he refused to pay such an exorbitant price. Apparently, the reason for the high retail cost was that it was made in Taiwan!
My little dog Poppy is most concerned about these tariffs that Trump has imposed. Bonio biscuits have gone up a staggering 37p per box. That’s about eight quid in dog money!
The missus found out that I was cheating on her when she discovered all the letters that I was hiding. She was incandescent with rage and curtly informed me that she’s never going to play Scrabble with me ever again! The situation worsened when my little dog Poppy ate the rest of the Scrabble tiles. Her next poo could spell disaster…
Yesterday, I bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi. It's absolutely brilliant! It comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.
Where I live, the walls are very thin. I can hear everything that the young couple say next door. Last night, he said to her: “Your eyes are beautiful, they should be gilded.” He then continued: “Your nose is beautiful, it should be gilded.” And finally: “Your lips are beautiful, they should be gilded.” I went round and knock on their door. He answered it and sez: “Who are you?” I replied: “I’m a gilder…”
This bloke walks across the road and gets flattened by a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry and then a red lorry. A policeman goes to his home, knocks on the door and the man’s wife answers it. The policeman looks at her and says: "There's no easy way to say this."
I asked Barmy Albert if Non=Stick Nora knew the coldest place in the United States. He replied: “I don't know – Alaska.”
This getting old is a terrible thing. I thought I’d blacked out for twenty minutes yesterday morning, then I realised I'd put my hoodie on back-to-front.
This new generation does not like working for a living. You could give them a job sleeping and they’d wake up a quit.
Top Tips: This summer (if indeed we have one!) avoid being bothered by wasps at barbeques etc , by putting a blob of jam on a small child.
March was a tough month to be a Scouser. What with their team getting knocked out of Europe, then losing a Cup Final and to compound an already unfortunate farrago, Chancellor Rachel Reeves cuts benefits. Did you know that in our lifetime, we will never see a Scouser on the new BBC ‘Dr Who’ series. Apparently, they don’t want to work in the future either!
People appreciate it, when you kiss them on the back of the neck. But not when they’re driving and you’re in the back seat and they didn’t know that you were there.
I often wonder if the person who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases, or am I the one and only?
Fascinating Fact: I don’t always have time to fold laundry, but when I do, I don’t. Moreover, I'm wearing pink this week, to raise awareness for people like me who forget to separate their red laundry from their whites.
Most Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are being discharged. However, a student nurse discovered one elderly gentleman, who was already dressed, sitting on a bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted that he didn’t require any assistance whatsoever to leave the hospital. However, after a discussion about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student wheel him to the lift. While the lift was descending to the ground floor, the nurse politely enquired if his wife was meeting him. He sez: “I don’t know. She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown…”
Barmy Albert bought Non-Stick Nora a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. I sez, "I thought she wanted one of them there sporty, 4 x 4 wheel drive Range Rovers?" Albert replies, "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Range Rover Evoque?"
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work only when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com