Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Right. Whatever.....

 

                                               

Musical Notes: Elvis Presley's coffin was made of Redwood and took three weeks to make. Gene Pitney’s was only 24 hours from balsa. My experimental Asian dish, Pigeon Biryani tasted awful. So, Phil Collins was right. You can't curry dove. I had a picnic with Errol Brown from the band Hot Chocolate yesterday. It started with a quiche.

Attempting my good deed for society, I made an effort at donating blood last Wednesday. Never again! It was like the Spanish Inquisition. Far too many stupid questions. Like, whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket? Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Whatever!

 Call me old-fashioned, but I’m glad my mother was a woman.

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle had owned a several acres of land many years. He had a large pond in the back. It was ideally shaped for swimming, so he fixed the surrounding area with nice picnic tables and some apple and pear trees. One evening, Tommy decided to go down and take a look at the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruits. As he neared the pond, he heard screaming voices and roaring laughter. As he came closer, he saw there were a few young women wading back and forth in his pond. He coughed to make the women aware of his presence and they all went frantically to the deep end! One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' Tommy frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim, or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm just here to feed my pet alligator.” Of course, you can always tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you later, whereas, the other will see you in a while.

                             

  

A shady character pushed a ransom note through my letterbox saying it’s either £5,000, or I’ll never see my wife again. It was a difficult decision, but in the end, I decided to take the money.

Barmy Albert drove his Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 litre Ghia Hatchback Trans-Am 3×3 (twin carb with stabilisers) out of the garage. Taking off down the A57, he floored it to 32 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the little wisp of hair he had left. “Wicked!” he thought as he glided down Hyde Road, getting caught in the slipstream of a milk float. In his rear view mirror, he spied a police car, blue lights flashing and siren wailing. “I can get away from him, no mither!” thought Albert as he pressed the pedal to the metal and floored it to 43, then 45, then 47 mph. Suddenly, he thought, “What in Harry Hill am I doing? I’m too old for all this gubbins!” So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the jam butty car to catch up with him. Five seconds later, pulling in behind him, the efficient policeman ambled up to the driver’s side of the Reliant Robin, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. ”Today is Friday, and I’m off to Rhyl for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off.” Barmy Albert looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, “Many years ago, my wife ran off with a copper. I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, Sir,” said the bobby.

It said on the TV advert that if I contribute just one pound a week, this will supply water for an entire village in the Republic of Congo. So how come United Utilities charge me £229 quid a month for a three-bedroom semi? Is the world going mad, or is it me?

                                                

This is Austin. Austin doesn’t play into the left versus right paradigm, because Austin knows that both wings are attached to the same bird. Be like Austin and think critically and eschew obfuscation by not being involved with perpetrators of terminological inexactitude. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!

                                   

  

Punchlines Column 22 & 29 August 2024

 

Punchlines Column 22/08/24  

                               

Oasis soup - You gotta roll with it!

                                                               

Barmy Albert has been patiently waiting fifteen years for Oasis to reform, only to lose out on a ticket, because 18 year old Chardonnay from Doncaster just wanted to hear Wonderwall live!  Apparently, I’ve just spotted an Oasis ticket on sale for a staggering £6,000!  Or they will swap for a GP appointment....  Who’d a thowt it!

 

When Barmy Alberts lawn mower broke and went kaput, Non-Stick Nora kept hinting to him that he should get it repaired forthwith. Somehow, he always had summat more important to take care of first, like golf competitions, the lap-dancing club, bowling, darts and dominoes or brewing beer. There was always some other activity or something that took precedence. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When he arrived home one day, he found her crouching in the long grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. Albert watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a minute, when he came out and he handed Nora a toothbrush and proclaimed: "When you finish cutting the grass, you may as well sweep the driveway too." That's when the fight started. The consultant at Tameside hospital reckon that he will walk again, but he’ll always have a profound limp and an eccentric gait.

 

“Waiter! This soup is cold!” “It’s Gazpacho, sir…”  “Gazpacho!  This soup is cold!”  The waiter then came over to the table and told me: “Sir, your wife has just slid under the table!”  I sez: “No she hasn’t. My wife has just come through the door….”

                              

 

For Sale: Signed photo of John Lennons wife. £10 Ono.

 

Good news is that I’ve got a job washing dishes. Bad news is that it’s at Jodrell Bank…

 

My Dad used to say “Money. You can’t take it with you’” We had some terrible holidays in Rhyl. I recollect walking along the beach one morning singing “Puppet on a String” whilst thinking to myself., this is a sandy shore...

 

I really don't like to gloat, but I've just had a lovely letter from the Inland Revenue informing me that all my tax returns are outstanding....

 

I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak.

That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency. Follow me for more household tips.

 

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladder’s hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look, ‘that’s a lovely fire engine,’ he says admiringly. ‘Thanks,’ says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and one to the cat’s tail. ‘Little colleague,’ says the fire-fighter, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.’ The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman’s eyes and says ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?’

 

I asked my pal Dave what it was like living in Surrey.   He sez: "Oh, you know... it has its Epsom Downs"

 

A Geordie lass went to the hairdresser and asked for a perm. The hairdresser replied: "I wandered lernly as a clood”  She sez: “Whenever I lift me arm up and sniff, it stinks of coconuts”  The hairdresser sez: “It’s Bounty!”

                                       

I just wanted everyone to know that whoever has been in contact with me in the last seven days should stay indoors and contact your nearest test centre. I’m so sorry to all of my friends and family and those who have been in close proximity to me. I have had symptoms for a few days now and it has just been confirmed. I have been diagnosed with being amazing, awesome, hilarious, and completely off my rocker. I was told there is no cure as of yet for all four of these symptoms. If you visit my website www.Comedianuk.com you can see what the problem is.  You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com  Now, get back to work!

                                         

The Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora Farrago.....

                                              

Ladies. Listen up! I‘ve heard that the male version of Alexa is now on the market to make wives and girlfriends  feel more comfortable and included.  It's called 'Alex' and you have to ask it to do summat ten times and then wait for six months.

 

Success at last! I just thought I'd let everyone know that I passed my paintball exam last week, with flying colours.

 

Knock- Knock.

Who’s there?

Haggard.

Haggard who?

Push pineapple-Shake the tree.

 

The wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table. I took a good run at it, but unfortunately, I tripped over the dog and broke the spout off the teapot. Moreover, on Bank Holiday Monday, she suggested that we do unspeakable things. However, reading Welsh railway stations signs wasn’t quite what I had in mind.

 

My little electric car broke down yesterday morning. I had to call out the AAA. Furthermore, I've just finished converting my van to electric. I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer, it wouldn't start at first, before I realised I hadn't shut the door properly, then I took it for a spin!

                                           

 

Gardening Tip: The best way to get rid of slugs in your garden is to put down a saucerful of beer. The slugs drink the beer and end up absolutely paralytic drunk. Then they all go down to the local chip shop:  “Fish, chips and mushy peas, please, mate.”  “You want salt on that?”  “Hell Yeah!”  Mission accomplished! Because you have green fingers, dosen’t necessarily mean that you’re a good gardener. It could really mean that you’re just a lousy painter…

 

Barmy Albert visits his doctor and tells him that Non-Stick Nora hasn't made love with him for over six months. The physician listens sympathetically, then recommends that Albert should bring Nora in so he can discuss that matter and obtain better information from her personally and reach a suitable prognosis in order to resolve the unfortunate problem. The next day, Nora meanders into the doctor’s office and the he asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to make love with Barmy Albert anymore. With all the dignity that she could muster, Nora tells him: "For the past six months, every morning I take a taxi to work. I’m constantly skint, so don't have any money and the cab driver asks me: 'So, are you going to pay today, or what?' so I take the 'or what' choice.  When I get to work, I'm very late, so the gaffer asks me: “So, are we going to dock your wages, or what?” so I take the 'or what' option, yet again!  Going back home, I take the taxi and I don't have any money, then the driver asks me once more: “So are you going to pay this time, or what?” so yet again I take the 'or what' alternative.  As you can see doctor, when I eventually get back home, I'm all exhausted and I don't want to do anything too strenuous, because I’m totally knackered!"  The doctor pontificates the issue for a few moments and then turns to Nora and sez:  "So are we going to tell Albert about all this, or what?"

 

                                                  

When I was a little kid, we were so poor, that sometimes we only had bits of old rope to eat. I would often skip lunch. I used to ask my mum if there was there anything for tea and she’d say: “Frayed knot.” My mum also taught me to speak Japanese.  Whenever the rent man knocked on the door, she would send me to answer it and I would tell him: “Shintin.”   Things became much worse when my dad was sacked from his job as a road works foreman for theft. I didn’t want to believe it, but when I got home from school, all the signs were there. I lost both my parents when I was 12 years old. What a card game that was! I’ve never played cards since, because I’m frightened of winning ‘em back!

 

I phoned my doctors surgery yesterday morning. I sez: "I need to make an appointment with the doctor as soon as possible because everything in my ear is constantly echoing." "Okay" she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"  I sez: "Tomorrow- morrow – orrow."

 

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora took all the grandchildren to Chester Zoo over the Bank Holiday.  They were fascinated by a baguette in a cage. The attendant informed them that it was bread in captivity.

 

Fascinating Fact: For well over a decade, Houdini used trap doors to enhance every trick that he performed. It was a stage he was going through.

 

Thought for Thursday: Instead of building multi-billion high speed rail tracks, why don't people just get earlier trains?

 

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don't realise this until after I've said them.  I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er do wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comediasnuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                                        

"The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost

                     

                     

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;



Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,



And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.



I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.



》》The story behind this poem



Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" is both humorous and ironic, reflecting the poet's playful side. In the early 20th century, Frost became close friends with the English writer Edward Thomas. They often took long walks together through the countryside, where Thomas would frequently express regret over not choosing a different path once they had gone a certain way. Frost, amused by Thomas's indecision and tendency to second-guess himself, decided to write a poem as a gentle parody of his friend.



In 1915, Frost penned "The Road Not Taken," intending it as a playful mockery of Thomas’s indecisiveness. The poem's narrator stands at a fork in the woods, choosing one path over another, only to later claim that the choice made "all the difference," despite the paths being equally worn. Frost sent the poem to Thomas, expecting his friend to catch the humor. However, Thomas did not realize that the poem was meant to be lighthearted and instead interpreted it as a serious reflection on choice and consequence. This misunderstanding disappointed Frost but also deepened the poem’s legacy, as it highlighted how easily people can misconstrue intentions based on their perspectives.



Interestingly, this poem, which Frost intended as a joke, became one of his most famous and is often quoted as an inspiring message about individualism and the significance of choices in life. Yet, Frost’s original intent was more about poking fun at the human tendency to overthink and attribute deep meaning to decisions that, in hindsight, may not have been as significant as we believe.



This story not only sheds light on the poem’s true meaning but also adds a layer of irony, as the world continues to interpret the poem in a way that differs from Frost’s original playful intent.

I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes?

                                             

I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? It’s been a hectic summer and I’m still quite busy this week.  My photo shows a few gigs that I’ve done with Harry Redknapp. However, the most important occasion was last week when my daughter Suzie married her long-time partner George. They make a wonderful couple and it was a very swish do at a magnificent location in Cheshire.

       

 

A far cry from my wedding reception that was held at McDonalds.  It was the last happy meal that I ever had!  Marriage is akin to a deck of cards.  You start off with two hearts and a diamond, then ten years down the line, you wish you had a club and a spade!

                              

Meanwhile, at the Kremlin, Putin is rudely awakened in the middle of the night by his top army General Valery Gerasimov, who exclaimed: “Mr President, sir, the Ukrainians want to talk to you about surrender.” Putin replies: “Fantastic! Get me Zelensky on the phone immediately.” The general asks: “What phone? They’re outside!”

 

I wonder if “Two Tier Kier” can stop the boats as rapidly as he axed the pensioners heating allowance. He’ll be taxing zimmer frames and walking sticks next!  We’re all doomed!

 

I'm sick of hearing Olympians talk about how much work they've put in and "the sacrifices they've made".

What do they want?   A flamin’ gold medal?

 

This afternoon, I came down with a bad case of the Herman's Hermits, which is a really strange malady, because I woke up this morning feeling fine.

 

Thought for Thursday: Instead of building multi-billion high speed rail tracks, why don't people just get earlier trains?

                                                            

I fondly recollect when I was a young lad and my dad used to roll me downhill in old tyres. Those were the Goodyears.   He didn’t like me as a child.  He used to examine my birth certificate for loopholes. I had a nut allergy as a kid and my dad would play Russian Roulette with me, using a bag of Revels….

 

Still on the subject of family, I was totally horrified by the results of my genealogy test. I found out my great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now I can't look at myself in the mirror. Although he passed away some years ago, I still have him in my contacts. It was very windy the day I scattered his ashes.

 

I’ll always remember the year my uncle Tommy went to prison for forgery.  It was about the same time I stopped getting birthday cards off Pamela Anderson.

 

Non-Stick Nora was bitten by a radioactive owl and now she's making all Barmy Albert’s decisions for him.

She has been given the power of a Tawny! It all started when she told Albert that she had accidentally broken her Sat-Nav and wanted £250 off him for a brand new one. In no uncertain terms, Albert told her: “Well, you can go and get lost…”  That’s when the fight started!

 

When I took the car into the garage, I was worried the mechanic might rip me off. Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid. He told me that he couldn’t repair the brakes, so he’d made the horn louder. The mechanic then advised me: “Would you like a warranty guarantee? Then, if anything goes awry with the repairs, you could come back here and wave the guarantee at me and any problem on the vehicle would be put right, absolutely free of charge!” I wholeheartedly agreed with him, so he sez: “Well, just sign here, where it states ‘I waive my guarantee...”

 

I just adore the free stuff that you get in hotels. Like shampoo, shower gel, soaps, tea, coffee, toilet rolls, 52” Plasma TV’s, electric kettles, Corby Trouser Presses, comfy chairs,duvets, fluffy towels, copper piping and brass taps and lead flashing from the adjacent church roof et cetera etc.

                                                    

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my front garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.   An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’  The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

 

You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you not to do something? Well, mine bets me a tenner that I can! It also tells me that you can visit my website and check out my all new Jokey-Bloggington!  Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!  You can email me too; comedianuk@sky.com.  Now, get back to work!

                                 

The fear of 'Two-Tier Kier' is here!

                                           

                                     

    

                                                        

Twisted Firestarter Elon Musk has branded Starmer as “Two Tier Kier.”  I wonder if he can can stop the boats as rapidly as he axed the pensioners heating allowance?   He’ll be taxing zimmer frames and walking sticks next! We’re all doomed!


I'm sick of hearing Olympians talk about how much work they've put in and "the sacrifices they've made". What do they want? A flamin’ medal?


This afternoon, I came down with a bad case of the Herman's Hermits, which is a really strange malady, because I woke up this morning feeling fine.

      

I fondly recollect when I was a young lad and my dad used to roll me downhill in old tyres. Those were the Goodyears. He didn’t like me as a child. He used to examine my birth certificate for loopholes. I had a nut allergy as a kid and my dad would play Russian Roulette with me, using a bag of Revels….



Still on the subject of family, I was totally horrified by the results of my genealogy test. I found out my great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now I can't look at myself in the mirror. Although he passed away some years ago, I still have him in my contacts. It was very windy the day I scattered his ashes.

     

I’ll always remember the year my uncle Tommy went to prison for forgery. It was about the same time I stopped getting birthday cards off Pamela Anderson.

                                     

On an August bank holiday trip to Cellarfield Zoo, Non-Stick Nora was bitten by a radioactive owl and now she's making all Barmy Albert’s decisions for him. She has been given the power of a Tawny. It all started when she told Albert that she had  broken her Sat-Nav and wanted £250 off him for a new one. Albert told her: “Well, you can go and get lost…” That’s when the fight started!

                                     

When I took the car into the garage, I was worried the mechanic might rip me off. Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid. He told me that he couldn’t repair the brakes, so he had made the horn louder. The mechanic then advised me: “Would you like a warranty guarantee? Then, if anything goes awry with the repairs, you could come back here and wave the guarantee at me and any problem on the vehicle would be put right, absolutely free of charge!” I wholeheartedly agreed with him, so he sez: “Well, just sign here, where it states ‘I waive my guarantee...”



I just adore the free stuff that you get in hotels. Like shampoo, shower gel, soaps, tea, coffee, toilet rolls, 52” Plasma TV’s, electric kettles, Corby Trouser Presses, comfy chairs , duvets, fluffy towels, copper piping and brass taps and lead flashing from the adjacent church roof et cetera etc.

        

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladder’s hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look, ‘that’s a lovely fire engine,’ he says admiringly. ‘Thanks,’ says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and one to the cat’s tail. ‘Little colleague,’ says the fire-fighter, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.’ The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman’s eyes and says ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?’


                                            
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my front garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’  The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’
        

You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you not to do something? Well, mine bets me a tenner that I can! It also tells me that you can visit my website and check out my all new Jokey-Bloggington! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! You can email me too; comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!