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Monday, 18 October 2021

Masks save lives!



Barmy Albert reckons you should always wear a mask because it saves lives. Yesterday, he had a clandestine meeting with Elsie, the barmaid from The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and as they were sauntering up Scropton Street back snicket, he passed Non Stick Nora and she did not recognise him. Albert maintains that the mask really saved his life!

The missus asked me if I'd ever regretted saying something. "Yes, I do" I replied.  "Well, what was it then?" she asked. Of course, I can’t begin to tell you how much I regret buying the flat above Lionel Ritchie.

My little puppy dog Alfie has been extremely naughty! He ate all the Scrabble tiles that were inadvertently left out on the floor from the night before. His next poo could spell disaster!

The news has everyone in a frenzy stating that we must buy Christmas prezzies and food now because there won't be anything left on the shelves come early December. When I was a kid, we were so poor that my mum used to sit up all Christmas Eve, stitching a turkeys head on a kipper! Here's a novel idea. Maybe we shouldn't worry about the material things. Maybe we should just be grateful for the gift of family, friends, our health, a warm home (if you can afford the gas!), memories, the list of what we have to be grateful for that doesn't come with a price tag. Maybe this is a way of telling us it's time for a good old-fashioned Christmas with those around us who we need and to remember the ones we don’t have with us. If there’s another outbreak of Covid, then we could have six foot long Christmas crackers! We should also think of all the money that folk have saved on stamp duty, by not being able to afford a house!

I phoned SeaWorld aquarium at The Trafford Centre to buy tickets for next weekend. They said that the call may be recorded for training porpoises. They must think I’m Dr Doolittle!


It just said on the telly that you should check on the elderly during the festive seaon. I’m normally up and about by the crack of noon. Bring beer and pork pies.

It all happened so suddenly! I was bereft. I felt that my life was empty and a barren existence on a bleak horizon beckoned. I felt alone, with a sense that I was isolated from all I know and loved, unable to express my inner most feelings, to share my thoughts, my needs, my…… No. Hang about. The Wi-Fi is up and working again now. Carry on folks!

Thursday Thought: If you can't learn to do summat really well, then learn to enjoy doing it badly.

I was out in Wetherspoons with my mates over the weekend, when I glanced at my mobile phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus. That's an average of six calls per day! Is she insecure or what? 


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email



Sunday, 10 October 2021

Austin ~ The Agony Uncle....



I’m now masquerading under the mantle of Agony Uncle. Send me particulars of your problem and I will address it in this weekly column. The first letter this week is:

Dear Austin, 

My son is growing plants in our greenhouse, he maintains that they are lettuce, I reckon it’s cannabis. What should I do? I’m extremely worried about this unfortunate situation. 

Dear Worried, Try some and if you’re still worried, it’ll definitely be lettuce!

The missus has been missing for well over a week now and the police called yesterday and told me to expect the worst. So I had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back...

I was staying at the Waldorf Hotel (So called because it is ‘walled off’ at the front!) I approached the concierge, I sez: “I’m terribly sorry, but I’ve forgotten what room I’m in”. He replied: “This is the lobby, sir...”

It really must be horrible if you worked at the Job Centre. Imagine, if you got the sack, you'd still have to show up the following day!

A baby snake looks at his dad and asks "Dad are we poisonous snakes?" His dad says “No son, why do you ask” The baby snake sez, "Cos I've just bit my tongue!"


Congratulations to my pal Tyson Fury on his defeat of Deontay Wilder and his retention of the WBC heavyweight title. I have a photograph of when I did a bit of boxing myself. If you turn it sideways, it looks like I’m stood up!

I walked into Scropton Street Bakery and complained to the manageress, "I've just bought a meat and potato pie from you, I took just one bite and three teeth fell out!" "Maybe you bit down a tad too hard?" she replied. I sez: "They're not my flamin’ teeth!”


Fascinating Thoughts:

• Your kids are becoming you, but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Going out is good. Coming home is better!
• You forget names. But it's okay because other folk forgot they even knew you!
• You realise you're never going to be really good at anything. Especially golf.
• The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• You sleep better on the settee with the telly blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch
• You tend to use more 4 letter words: "What?" "When?"
• Now that you can afford expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• You have three sizes of clothes in your wardrobe, two of which you will never wear again.
• But old is good in some things: old Songs, old movies and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are.But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: or better still email me: Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!

Monday, 4 October 2021

Panic buying petrol fiasco!



Local knowledge: The petrol station with no diesel is situated next to the bus depot with no drivers and the bus with no fuel, near the butchers with no meat and the green grocers devoid of any vegetables. Opposite are the employment agency with no workers and the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub with no beer. Just behind that is the government with no clue....

Now that many parents have very little fuel in their 4 x 4 Range Rovers, some poor schoolchildren have been forced to walk the 300yds to school! Who’d a thowt it!

Barmy Albert ran out of petrol, and a bee flew in his car window..."are you out of petrol" sez the bee. "Yes" replied Albert. "Gimme me a minute" buzzed the bee, and flew away. Minutes later the bee returned with the entire hive of bees who all flew into his petrol tank. Moments later they emerged, "Try it now" said a passing bee. Albert tried and the car started. Albert asked: "Wow! What did you put in the tank?" The swarm replied in unison: “Bee Pee!”

I had one of those Zoom appointments with the doctor’s yesterday morning. I told him: “I have this terrible pain.” He asked me if I’d had this terrible pain before. I sez “Yes!” He thought for a minute and informed me: “You’ve got it again, then!”

I forgot my key on Saturday morning, so I texted the missus and asked her to hide it under a plant pot for me so I could get back into the house. "No problem." She texted back. When I returned home, I was unable to locate any key, so I contacted her again, asking exactly which plant pot she had secreted the key under. She replied: "I've put it under the one on the kitchenette table."

Doctor: "Your Mother-in-Law is in hospital". Barmy Albert: "How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Barmy Albert: "Ah, you get used to that..."


Non Stick Nora is working as a housekeeper and was after a big pay rise. Mrs Grabknuckle, the wife of her employer was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the proposed hike in pay. She asked: "Now Nora, why do you want a pay increase?" Nora: "Well, Mrs Grabknuckle there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." The wife sez: "Who said you iron better than me?" Nora replied: "Your husband says so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Nora continued: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Nora: "Your husband did." The wife became increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?" Nora: "The third reason is that I am better than you in the bed." The wife was incandescent with rage, and through gritted teeth shouted: "And did my husband say that as well?" Nora replied: "No, Mrs Grabknuckle, the gardener and the chauffeur did." The wife replied: “Well, how much do you want?” 

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email