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Friday, 12 August 2022

Awareness Awareness Week....

 

                                  




Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.



The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job, me. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I sez to him, “Next left here, mate.”



The school phoned me today and sez, "Your son's been telling lies again and has to do detention." I replied, "Well, tell him he's very good - I ain't got a son!"



I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

                                     



The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one, free of charge...



Breaking News: Medical researchers have announced today that they have discovered a hitherto unknown malady, known as Gubbins Syndrome, which has no symptoms whatsoever. It is impossible to detect and has no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported as yet....

                                            

The wife and I went to see a marriage guidance councillor last Tuesday. He asked if I knew what her favourite flower was. I held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes and replied, "I know this one, it's Homepride isn't it?"




I've recently conducted some research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.
The results were, quite frankly, staggering! There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk. Up!


I met a homeless man sitting on a bench; I asked him how he ended up this way. He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had a roof over my head, three meals a day, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym every day, the library, even school if I wanted." I asked him, "What happened? Drugs, alcoholism, divorce?" "Oh no! Nowt like that." he exclaimed. “I just got out of prison..."



Fascinating Fact: The average person will walk nine hundred miles per year and will drink on an average, a staggering twenty-seven gallons of beer. That's an average of 41 miles to the gallon. I get about 90 miles to the gallon, give or take the odd 100 litres.



Have you ever possessed an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles, but hesitated, because you were concerned that you'd get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven't we all? Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and never worry about getting dizzy if you assume a comical position and strike da pose!    You can follow me on www.twitter.com/comedianuk Now, get back to work!
                                                        


Monday, 18 July 2022

I never drink beer on a Monday....

                         




I never drink beer on a Monday,
Cos Monday's the day fer mi health
An' the wife's got me countin' them units,
I've just got to take care o' miself
So I merely have wine wi' mi supper,
An' just the one litre OK?
Then a rather large rum in mi coffee
An' I calls that mi sensible day

I never drink wine on a Tuesday,
Cos Tuesday's mi weightwatchin' club
It's the day when I eat nowt but cabbage,
The day I don't go much fer grub
Now a diet demands plenty fluid,
Summat light an' completely fat-free
So I've chosen that strong German lager
An' I just have five pints wi' mi tea

I never drink lager on Wednesday,
Cos Wednesday's the day fer mi jog
It's tracksuit an' trainers at mid-day
Then I'm off up the road wi' the dog
First stop's at the Globe fer some Guinness,
Three swift ones'll get me to grips
Then I carry on round to The Shepherds
Fer three more an' a burger an' chips
I make sure that I'm suitably rested,
Then I sprint back to our garden wall
In a time of under twelve minutes,
An' it's four 'undred metres an' all

I never drink Guinness on Thursday,
Cos Thursday's mi day to relax
I likes to sit out in t' back garden
In mi brown zip-up cardie an slacks
After lunch I might stroll by the river,
Breeze in at the Fisherman's Drop
Where I lounge on the terrace all lordly,
Sippin' shandy, but beawt any pop
Then cos I've been good through the day like,
She'll allow me to waver a smidge
So mi evenin's spent watchin' the footy
Wi' a few packs o' Boddies from t' fridge

I never drink Boddies on Friday,
Cos Friday's mi night on the razz
An' we meet in The Firkin at seven,
Owd Nodger an' me an' Fat Baz
Oh The Firkin's a beer-drinker's heaven,
Wi' fifteen real ales from the jug
An' we start wi' the ones in the tap-room
An' we works our way round to the snug
By midnight we're all talkin' gubbins
An' we're off fer a curry up town
But there's summat not reyt about curry
Cos I never seem t' keep the stuff down
We 'ave a good laugh wi' the waiters,
An' Baz moons his bum fer a joke
Then I'm home fer a nightful o' passion,
Cos I'm known as a passionate bloke

I never do much on a Sat'day,
Cos Sat'day's mi time fer a think
Cos me an' the wife are not speakin' today,
I'm a drunken, fat pig an' I stink
So I sit near the lavvie pretendin'
That really I'm feelin' just great
But I'm goin' right off that Indian food
If it leaves me in this bloody state
It's later I make the decision,
On my forty-third trip to the bog
There's only one thing cures an upset like this
An' they call it the 'air o' the dog
I ring Nodge an' Baz on mi mobile
An' both of 'ems likewise in pain
So we're back in The Firkin at quarter-past-six
An' we do it all over again

I never say Firkin on Sunday,
Cos Sunday's mi day to repent
I'm ashamed of all o' that boozin' I've done
An' all o that money I've spent
I begs the wife fer forgiveness
An' I promise I'll alter mi ways
An' she gives me a kiss an' a cuddle,
Like she did in our newly-wed days
We watch Songs of Praise on the telly,
Then a nice pot o' tea an' some cakes
An' I swear now I've climbed up the ladders,
I'll never slide down any snakes
But it's borin' on telly on Sunday,
An' I can't say I'm ever impressed
So I 'ave a walk out round the village
An' stop off at the Collier's Rest
Now the beer's a bit crap in The Collier's
So I leave an' pop round to The Swan
Where I flatten a shed-load o' Tetley's
An' I'm bloody well back to square one!


                        



Is it REALLY you?

 

                         





                      

This rather austere woman recognised me as I was sauntering down Scropton Street. She sez: 'It's you isn't it? It really is you!”' I coyly replied: “Yes, it's definitely me!” She then asked me: “When are you coming back to finish my patio?” Of course, this happens on a constant basis. I was in a taxi to the airport and the driver kept looking at me through the rear-view mirror. After a while he sez: “Well give us a clue then, mate.” I gave him a brief resume of my showbiz career, starting off at Belle Vue in a clown act, whilst still attending school and named a few TV shows that I’d appeared in, culminating in working as an after-dinner speaker on the corporate circuit. He became quite agitated and shouted: “No. Which terminal do you want dropping off at?”



I managed to burn 10,000 calories yesterday! My advice is - don’t fall asleep with cakes in the oven!



As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th season, I would like to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode!



The way things are going in our ‘Woke’ society, we’re gonna have to eradicate shampoo for fear of offending bald folk. If they had a comb, they wouldn’t part with it!



Non-Stick Nora’s dog had gone deaf. She took it to the vet, who examined the canine and pronounced: “Nowt wrong with the dog, Nora. Hair has grown too long in its ears, so I’ve trimmed it out and its right as nine pence.” Nora thanked him and asked what to do if the problem reoccurred. The vet told her to go to the chemist and buy some Immac hair remover and put a dab of it in the dog’s ears once a week. On the way home, she called in to the pharmacy and asked for the product. The chemist sez: “If you’re using it under your arms Nora, then don’t use deodorant for a few days coz it’ll sting and if you’re using it on your legs, don’t apply anything like fake tan, because it’ll cause a nasty rash.” Nora proclaimed: “It’s not for my arms or legs. It’s for my Schnauzer!” The chemist replied: “Well, don’t ride your bike for a week....”

                                      



The wife and I attended a fancy dress party last weekend. We went dressed as bank robbers. We had an awesome time. Well I did. The missus was sat outside in the car all night with the engine running….



British summertime: Didn’t need to alter clocks last Sunday because I’m so lazy, I left them the time they were last October. Since then, we’ve been watching ITV + 1. I’m so indolent,I I have a snooze button on my smoke alarm.



Anyone who reckons that their wedding day was the best day of their life has obviously never had two bars of chocolate fall down at once from a vending machine. Marriage is just an alternative word for adopting a fully grown man, who can’t look after himself....



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”



My parents could only afford a second hand calculator, which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.



                                                





Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!


                          


Saturday, 4 June 2022

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

                                     




Parting is such sweet sorrow. This will be my last column for a while, as I am away for a month or so. This year, I shall be working on many different cruise liners around the Mediterranean. Then, copious exotic destinations beckon and in between these forays this summer as I will also be performing at the fantastic TUI Gold Hotels in Lanzarote, Cyprus, Costa del Sol, Menorca and Ibiza! These hotels are adults only. No kids! You’d think you’ve gone deaf!



I was in the Co-op 'convenience' shop, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out. She possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with blistered bunions. When I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.07 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.93?" she replied, whilst simultaneously gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got Zimbabwean dollars, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours, dude" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.93 please." If looks could kill, etc.....


After being married for many years, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert to describe her. He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You’re an alphabet wife...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks, "What the hell does that mean?" He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" That’s when the fight started!



Young Willy Eckerslyke was compiling a thesis on childbirth and asks his parents; "How was I born?" His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork delivered you." "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" "Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations. Moreover, my grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but I just called them Gran and Grandpapapapapapapa. Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!

                                



I was at the airport, checking in at the Ryanair checking-in thingy, when the girl with the Thunderbirds hat on behind the desk sez, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, then how would I know?' She smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' What’s all that about then?

The pelican crossing on our High Street bleeps when it's on red and therefore safe to cross the road. I was crossing with Elsie Grabknuckle and she asked if I knew what the bleeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”

“I need help with my hearing” the man says. The priest sticks his fingers in the man's ear and prays. “How's your hearing now?” he asks.” "I don't know” says the man “It's not till next Tuesday...”

 

Everything that I do, seems to go awry. I lent a mate of mine £10,000 to have plastic surgery and I don’t know what he looks like now!

                           



I asked an old bloke once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he had been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed. Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose."



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com