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Sunday, 27 November 2022

The World Cup in Qatar....

 

                        




Breaking News: Rain is expected in Qatar today. FIFA have cancelled all matches in the event that there is a rainbow. Meanwhile, England team wives and girlfriends (WAGS)  are asking the militia where they can get their lashes done! Things are different in Qatar, for instance the TV show ‘Flog it’ is nothing whatsoever to do with antiques....



Finally Extinction Rebellion has got payback for its dastardly deeds! A protestor called Tarquin glued himself to a road in Toxteth, Liverpool and was  relieved of his watch, wallet and mobile phone!



I visited the hairdresser last week and he was incessantly chatting about holidays, weather, cricket, the World Cup in Qatar especially the England team. He sez to me:  “Do you know that your hair is going grey?” I replied: “Well get a move on then!”

We had a bit of an argument when she noticed that our new neighbours are so madly in love. She told me “He strokes her hair and constantly kisses and hugs her.”  and then sez: “Why don’t you do that?”   I replied: “Because I don’t know her that well yet...” That’s when the fight started!



Just because you have green fingers doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re a good gardener. You could be just a lousy painter.   However, you should never tell any secrets in the garden, because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beanstalk!

                              



I’m very good in the bedroom department. Twenty years, I worked for IKEA. I asked the missus why she married me. She sez:   “Because you’re very funny!” I replied: “I thought it was because I’m very good in the bedroom department.” She sez|: “See! You’re hilarious!”



I sincerely hope that the richest man on the planet, namely Elon Musk never gets himself into a scandal, because Elongate would be really drawn out...



Barmy Albert walked into the bedroom and encounters Non-Stick Nora packing a suitcase. He asks her where she’s going. She replies: “I’ve heard that in New York, high class call girls get £300 doing what I do for you for free!” Albert starts packing his own suitcase and Nora asks him where he is off to.  He replied: “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you’re gonna manage on £600 per year!”



Arrived home last night to discover a voluptuous young woman grouting my bathroom wall whilst singing “It’s a heartache, nothing’ but a fools game.”   I thought to myself: “She’s a bonny tiler.”



Thanks to all the folks that told me that it’s okay to allow your pets to sleep on your bed. My goldfish is now dead!



Knock knock. "Who's there?" "Dejav." "Dejav who?" Knock knock.

                       



When I was a little kid, my parents would always say: “Excuse my French” immediately after using a swear word.  I’ll never forget my first day at school when the teacher asked if any of us in the class knew any French....

Innit awful gerrin auld! I’d been in bed for twenty five minutes when I realised that I’d only gone upstairs for my book!

I have Sooty and Sweep puppets if anyone wants them. Don’t want anything for them; I’m just looking for someone to take them off my hands. 


                        




I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are.But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!

Monday, 21 November 2022

The Elon Musk Scandal.....

                                    


Finally Extinction Rebellion has got payback for its dastardly deeds! A protestor called Tarquin glued himself to a road in Toxteth, Liverpool and was relieved of his watch, wallet and mobile phone!

 

Whenever someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.  This pretty much explains everything you need to know about marriage.

Taking the above into account, the wife has been missing for well over a fortnight now and the police came to my house last night, to tell me the bad news, So I’ve had to go to the charity shop to get all her clothes back! 

                                         



We had a bit of an argument when she noticed that our new neighbours are so madly in love. She told me “He strokes her hair and constantly kisses and hugs her.”  And then sez: “Why don’t you do that?” I replied: “Because I don’t know her that well yet...”  That’s when the fight started!

 

Just because you have green fingers doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re a good gardener.  You could be just a lousy painter.  However, you should never tell any secrets in the garden, because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beanstalk!

 

I’m very good in the bedroom department.  Twenty years, I worked for IKEA.  I asked the missus why she married me.  She sez: “Because you’re very funny!”  I replied: “I thought it was because I’m very good in the bedroom department.” She sez|: “See!  You’re hilarious!”

                                 



I sincerely hope that the richest man on the planet, namely Elon Musk never gets himself into a scandal, because, Elongate would be really drawn out...

 

Barmy Albert walked into the bedroom and encounters Non-Stick Nora packing a suitcase. He asks her where she’s going. She replies: “I’ve heard that in

New York, high class call girls get £300 doing what I do for you for free!”  Albert starts packing his own suitcase and Nora asks him where he is off to.

He replied: “I’m coming with you.  I want to see how you’re gonna manage on £600 per year!”

 

Arrived home last night to discover a voluptuous young woman grouting my bathroom wall whilst singing “It’s a heartache, nothing’ but a fools game.”

I thought to myself: “She’s a bonny tiler.”

 

Thanks to all the folks that told me that it’s okay to allow your pets to sleep on your bed.  My goldfish is now dead!

 

Knock knock. "Who's there?" "Dejav." "Dejav who?" Knock knock.

                                                          



When I was a little kid, my parents would always say: “Excuse my French.” Immediately after using a swear word.

 I’ll never forget my first day at school when the teacher asked if any of us in the class knew any French....

 

Innit awful gerrin auld!  I’d been in bed for twenty five minutes when I realised that I’d only gone upstairs for my book!

 

I have Sooty and Sweep puppets if anyone wants them. Don’t want anything for them; I’m just looking for someone to take them off my hands.

 

 

One fine morning back in old Dodge City, Chester the deputy woke up with a huge erection. Not knowing what to do, he yelled, "Marshal Dillon! Marshal Dillon! I woke up with a hard on and don’t know what to do!"

Marshal Dillon told him, "Chester, just go out back to the stable and shovel horse manure for a while. That’ll take care of it." Chester did so but soon, Miss Kitty walked past. "Chester? Why are you out here so early this morning?"

Chester replied, "Well, Miss Kitty, you see, I woke up this morning with a huge hard on and I didn’t know what to do with it so Marshal Dillon told me to come out here and shovel manure a spell."

Raising her dress enough to expose herself, Miss Kitty exclaimed, "Well, why don’t you just stick it in here, Chester?"

Chester looked surprised…….. "The whole shovel full?"

 

 



Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid lollygaggers and knaves. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!







Sunday, 13 November 2022

The Futshooz Farrago....

 

                                            




Well, I’ve finally done it! I bought a new pair of shoes that have memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchenette...

Still on the subject of shoes, remember the excruciating pain that was felt when your kids were little and you trod on a Lego brick in your bare feet. Well, I’ve invented a shoe made from Lego. Now when you stand on a Lego brick, you just become taller! 

 


 




                                       



Yesterday, I quite fancied a cup of tea, but then I asked if anyone else wanted one. Now I’m a professional caterer!

Innit awful gerrin auld! Do you remember:

Galoshes in the gym: Scoffing winkles with a pin:

Hopscotch on the path: When Bugs Bunny made you laugh:

Newspapers delivered by hand: The Salvation Army Band:

When the dustmen took away your bin: When your bath was made of tin:

Back ginnels were dark and smelly: Jackanory on the telly:

Wine gums in a pack: A hundredweight of coal carried in a sack:


                           
                                                 "I'd like to book a room for two Knights...."



Barmy Albert always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.   No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been a lot worse." To cure him of this annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad and so terrible, that even Albert could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Albert, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That`s awful," sez Albert, "But it could have been a lot worse." "How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been a lot worse?" "Well," replied Albert, "If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"



On “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!” a cockroach and a rat went to the Jungle Stores and asked for Matt Hancock repellent!



It just said on the TV advert that Christmas wouldn’t be the same without M&S . This is true because without the M & S, it would spell Chrita…



Are Nice biscuits pronounced Nice or Nice? I reckon it’s Nice, but Non-Stick Nora reckons it’s Nice…



Fascinating Fact: Flattyre will get you nowhere…



Q)What was Beethoven's favourite fruit?
A)Banananaaaaaaaaaaaaa.



It's relatively easy to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while, whereas the other will see you later...

                                       



Winning isn't everything. Winning, doing high fives, gloating and rubbing their noses in it. That's everything!



If you help a man when he is in trouble, then he will always remember you when he is in trouble again…



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com