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Saturday, 4 June 2022

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

                                     




Parting is such sweet sorrow. This will be my last column for a while, as I am away for a month or so. This year, I shall be working on many different cruise liners around the Mediterranean. Then, copious exotic destinations beckon and in between these forays this summer as I will also be performing at the fantastic TUI Gold Hotels in Lanzarote, Cyprus, Costa del Sol, Menorca and Ibiza! These hotels are adults only. No kids! You’d think you’ve gone deaf!



I was in the Co-op 'convenience' shop, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out. She possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with blistered bunions. When I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.07 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.93?" she replied, whilst simultaneously gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got Zimbabwean dollars, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours, dude" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.93 please." If looks could kill, etc.....


After being married for many years, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert to describe her. He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You’re an alphabet wife...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks, "What the hell does that mean?" He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" That’s when the fight started!



Young Willy Eckerslyke was compiling a thesis on childbirth and asks his parents; "How was I born?" His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork delivered you." "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" "Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations. Moreover, my grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but I just called them Gran and Grandpapapapapapapa. Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!

                                



I was at the airport, checking in at the Ryanair checking-in thingy, when the girl with the Thunderbirds hat on behind the desk sez, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, then how would I know?' She smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' What’s all that about then?

The pelican crossing on our High Street bleeps when it's on red and therefore safe to cross the road. I was crossing with Elsie Grabknuckle and she asked if I knew what the bleeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”

“I need help with my hearing” the man says. The priest sticks his fingers in the man's ear and prays. “How's your hearing now?” he asks.” "I don't know” says the man “It's not till next Tuesday...”

 

Everything that I do, seems to go awry. I lent a mate of mine £10,000 to have plastic surgery and I don’t know what he looks like now!

                           



I asked an old bloke once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he had been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed. Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose."



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                 


  

Monday, 30 May 2022

The candlelit dinner....

                                      




The UK government have inexplicably found £10 billion quid to help with folk’s energy bills, a mere 24 hours after publication of the Sue Gray report. The greased piglet strikes again!



The missus came home from work and I was swinging from the chandeliers, eating a banana! She asked me if we’d won the Euro millions. I sez: “No. I’ve got Monkeypox!” She always thought I had a chimp on my shoulder!



When I first started out in showbiz, I worked in the clubs with a brilliant ventriloquist who was the father of famous actor Richard Gere. His name was Gotler Gere.



The price of petrol has risen so much! I have ended up running the lawnmower on Vodka. Unfortunately, the grass is now half-cut! Indeed petrol is so expensive now, I saw Dolly Parton on a car share with Jolene yesterday! Who’d a thowt it?



                                   



I was having a candlelit dinner with the wife last night. She asked me if I was getting all romantic. I sez: “No. The electricity bill arrived this afternoon.”



Barmy Albert was just waking up from anaesthetic after his hip operation surgery. Non-Stick Nora was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he told her: "You’re beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

Nora had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he sez: "You’re cute." Nora was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"    Albert replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

                    



Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle went to see his doctor. "Doc, I think I’m going doo-lally. Several times lately, I have forgotten to pull my zip up." "That’s not going doo-lally," replied the doctor. "Going doo-lally is when you forget to pull the zip down."



Tommy Slopbucket opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, McFinney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Tommy. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied McFinney. "Where are ya callin’ from?"

                                            



Meanwhile, down The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife Pub, three old friends, Art, Bart and Fargo were asked by Ethel the barkeep: "When you’re in your coffin and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"    Artie sez: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Bart commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of the local community, who made a huge difference in people’s lives."    Fargo replied: "I’d like them to say, "Look, he’s moving!"

Top Tip: Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

I asked a German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no. 


                                          


                        

Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

 

    

Saturday, 21 May 2022

The back snicket up near Scropton Street abattoir....

 

                                          




During the unfortunate farrago of the pitch invasion at Goodison Park last week, many were surprised by Crystal Palace manager Patrick Viera apparently kicking an Everton fan. They weren’t shocked at the incident itself, but at witnessing a French bloke fighting! Who’d a thowt it!



The current influx of morons invading a football pitch must cease forthwith. It is merely a matter of time afore some idiot does it at Old Trafford and is awarded ‘Man of the Match!

Farmer Giles Chalfonts stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware shop and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, who told him she was lost and confused. She asked: ‘Can you tell me how to get back to my hovel up Scropton Street, near the abattoir?’ Farmer Giles sez: ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that street, I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ Elsie suggested: ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why, thank you very glad,’ he replied and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he suggested: ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this back snicket. We’ll be there in no time.’ Elsie looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get up that back snicket you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my frilly gansy, and have your wicked way with me?’ The farmer exclaimed: ‘Flamin’ Nora! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ With all the dignity that Elise could muster, she replied: ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens!’ Isn’t life grand when you’re pots for rags?

                                                                 



You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you fail to take, and statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do take. On that basis, is a leading authority anyone who has guessed right more than once? So where does this leave Boris Johnson? If he listened to himself more often, he would talk less.



Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while they were in bed. Albert turned to Nora and sez: "Do you fancy a bit of slap and tickle?" "Definitely not!" she answered. He then said, "Is that your final answer? She didn’t even look at him this time, simply saying "Yes!" So he said, "Then I’d like to phone a friend." That’s when the fight started! 



I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!