Men. Listen up! If the relationship fails, don’t just blame your spouse. It takes two people to mess up your partnership. Blame her and her mother!
The missus asked me to take her to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and I got it all totally wrong. Dropping her off on the Somalian coastline wasn’t exactly what she anticipated.
Dear Rishi, could you kindly mend the potholes that I was already taxed to repair, because I’m causing damage to the car that I am taxed annually to drive. This is the car that I purchased with the income I earned, that is already highly taxed. The very same car that sits on the driveway of my home that is also mega-taxed. All this gubbins makes you think dosen’t it? We used to drive on the left of the road, nowadays, we drive on what’s left of the road!
Apart from potholes, another major problem in the UK is housing the thousands of migrants that are crossing the English Channel in flimsy boats and being accommodated in four star hotels nationwide. I can see an obvious solution to both of these problems here. Why can’t the government?
Call me old-fashioned, but I’m glad my mother was a woman, Moreover, to the person who stole my glasses. I have contacts…
Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were in the park, when Albert pointed to little Tommy and sez to her: “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch this and I’ll prove it to you.” Albert has a one pound coin in one hand and a 50p in the other. He then beckons the kid over and asks him: “Which one do you want?” The kid chooses the 50p and runs off! Albert exclaims: “There. I told you, that kid will never learn!” Later on, that afternoon, Nora spots the young lad coming out of the ice cream parlour and she asks him: “Son, why did you pick the 50p, rather than the one pound coin?” Little Tommy takes a lick of his lolly and replies: “Because the day I take the quid coin, the game is over….”
Sidney Slopbucket came home early from work, only to discover his best mate in bed with his missus. Anger took over and he got his gun and shot him! Sidney’s wife shook her head in disbelief and told him: “If you keep on behaving like this, you’re gonna have no friends left….”
Cruise ship cabin stewards operate a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a rather attractive woman sez: 'I've come to turn down your bed.' I replied: 'Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different? On my last cruise, I got up at 4 am to use the toilet and when I came back, the bed was made!
Once upon a time, there were two little snakes called Cissie and Cynthia and they were both hissing near their pit. Mummy snake came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Potts pit and hiss. Cissie and Cynthia went over to Mrs. Potts pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, ''Hey! Cissie and Cynthia, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!'' The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mummy came out and exclaimed, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Potts house to hiss. They said,” Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss.” The mother snake said, ''Well, I knew Mrs. Potts when she didn’t have a pit to hiss in!'' The End.