Chester
Draws, the extremely wealthy furniture magnate, who founded the blue-chip chair
and sofa manufacturing conglomerate ‘Shack of Sit’ sauntered into the golf and
country club with a stunning twentyfive year old beauty by his side. This
blonde bombshell left virtually everyone in the room speechless, such was her
charm and voluptuous appearance. She
clung onto Chester’s arm like a limpet and was totally transfixed with his every
word, as if he was the most fascinating geezer on the planet. Chester’s old mate Sid pulled him to one side
and exclaimed: “How did you land a gorgeous girlfriend like that?” Chester
grinned and proclaimed to Sid: “She’s not my girlfriend. She is actually my
wife!” All his pals are absolutely staggered by this statement and then Sid
asked him: “How in tarnation did you persuade her to marry you?” With a
saturnine grimace, Chester declared: “I lied about my age!” Sid asked him: “So,
you told her that you were fifty?” Chester chuckled and replied: “No. I told
her I was ninety!”
Breaking News:
A 34 stone dad who was told to buy two airplane tickets, has ended up with one
in row 18 and another in row 21. Mind you, it won’t matter where he is on the
plane, he’ll still be sat next to you!
It looks like
it’s going to be a freezing winter this year, because yesterday, I saw Kier
Starmer with his hands in his own pockets.
My insider source of information
told me that he had a tin of beans and hostages for breakfast. Let’s hope that
he can stop the small boats crossing the English Channel as quick as he stopped
the pensioners winter fuel allowance. The difference between humans and animals
is that animals would never allow the dumbest of the herd to lead them.
On their dream
holiday, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were driving through Canada on their
way out west. After several miles, it
became crystal clear that they were hopelessly lost. Nora consulted the road
map, but couldn’t figure out where they actually were, such was the vast
terrain that they had already navigated. They were driving along a rural boulevard,
when they spotted a farmer standing by the roadside. Albert sez: “I’ll pull over and see if he can
help.” Barmy Albert asks the farmer: “My wife and I appear to have taken a
wrong turn. Can you help by telling me exactly where we are.” The farmer
replies: “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” Albert gets back in the car and Nora opined:
“Well, where the hell are we?” Albert sez: “I don’t know. He doesn’t speak English!”
Ladies!
Listen up! If perchance you want flowers
on the 14th of February 2025, then plant them now!
In a quite
surreal moment, I found the front grill of a Land Rover in my front garden
yesterday morning. It was a bit of a Discovery….
A hacker
called me and said he had all my passwords and PIN numbers. I got a pen and paper and said “Thank goodness
for that. What are they?” It’s terrible.
I’ve got a head like one of those things in the kitchenette that you put
flour through….
An Amazon
driver stopped and asked me what time it was.
I told him that it was between 9am and 2pm. Just to prove it, I pulled a watch out of a
small, box that was in an even bigger box! On the same subject, I hear that the
billionaire owner of Amazon has left his wife.
Presumably, it was with a neighbour.
When I was a
tiddler, my favourite teacher at Scropton Street Primary School was Miss
Turtle. She may have had an odd name but
she tortoise well. I fondly recollect
when she took us terrapin bowling.
I often
wonder about the people that I’ve lost along the way and I’ve come to the
conclusion that I should never have become a tour guide…
Fascinating
Fact: Apparently, they are filming a remake of Never-Ending Story. It starts off
with a bloke asking his missus how her day went. I asked Alexa: “What do women
really want?” That was three days ago
and she still hasn’t shut up!
Woman at last
night’s gig shouts “You’re uncouth!” A tad unfair, I surmised, but I thought,
if I had a pound for every time a woman has called me uncouth, then I’d be
considered quite sophisticated.
BREAKING
NEWS: Fire-fighters rescued a blonde girl who became trapped in a tumble dryer
at the Scropton Street Launderette and Washerama. She was reportedly unharmed
other than being quite dizzy and missing a sock.
Remember that
there will always be a ‘LIE’ in Believe, an ‘OVER’ in Lover, an ‘END’ in
Friend, an ‘US’ in Trust and an ‘IF’ in Life.
More profound factoids and hilarious anecdotal gubbins can be located on
my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest.
It really does not matter how far you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Now, get back to work!