A Mass of Contradictions!

                                                              

Ladies! Listen up! You say that you want to meet a man who’s funny and spontaneous. However, when you rap on their window at midnight wearing a clown costume, suddenly, it’s all screaming and throwing a tantrum and police sirens and restraining orders. Women are a mass of contradictions!

Fascinating Fact: Did you know the first French city to have more than one public toilet was Toulouse...

The good news is that the Americans are going to the moon. The bad news is, there's only room for four of them on the spaceship.

Storm Dave has been re-named after a mistake at the Meteorological Office. It's actually Storm Rodney......

                                     

 

TOP TIP: When the Jehovah's Witnesses call, engage them in conversation, but whatever they say, pretend you’re talking to a local councillor and complain about the bins not being emptied, potholes in the road, dog poo on the pavement, and not cutting the grass verges anymore. They’ll think you’re pots for rags and soon have it away on their toes.

I want to advise all my readers that if anyone wants any copies of Osteopath Weekly, I have back issues....

When he made a terrible mistake, or a glaring error, what did the inventor of the drawing board go back to?

With the price of fuel these days, I thought I'd do a runner from the garage. So, I put in £50 worth and drove off without paying. Got caught, though. I'd run out of petrol before I left the forecourt.

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. God greets him warmly and says, "Albert, we are all very impressed with your life's work. As a reward, you can ask me for anything you want to know."

Einstein says, "I spent my entire life trying to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity, but I never succeeded. Please, can you show me the true formula that governs the entire universe?"

"Of course," God smiles, and conjures a chalkboard covered in an incredibly complex equation.

Einstein studies the massive formula intently. Suddenly, he points at a section and gasps, "Wait... there's a mistake right here!" God nods, "I know."

                                                      

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his fave holiday was, and he told me: “Has to be Easter, baby…”



As Non-Stick Nora’s son proudly handed her a new grandchild, she asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old kid and a duckling. Somewhat perplexed, he replied: “No. What?” Nora chuckled: “One is a whiny toddler, whereas the other is a tiny waddler!”



Barmy Albert sauntered into The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and shouted: “All Manchester United fans are morons!” This huge bloke at the bar shouted: “I take offence at that!” Albert asked him, “Are you a Manchester United fan?” He replied: “No! I’m a moron!”



Barmy Albert was being interviewed for the position of Tripe Gouger at Scropton Street Abbatoir and was asked by the boss: “What’s been your greatest achievement in your current job?” Albert told him that he was responsible for several new guidelines in the employee handbook. The boss says: ”That’s most impressive! What inspired you to create those guidelines?” With all the decorum he could rally, Albert replied: “That’s not what I said….”



Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his doctor, who fitted him for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly for the first time in many moons. A month later, he was back for a follow-up consultation. The doctor pronounced, "Tommy, your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

                                  

Storm Austin by Steven P Taylor....

 

Don’t bring on this ‘Storm Austin,
Don’t bring on this wind,
Get back to the norm Austin,
Make this gust rescind.

Make the weather warm, Austin,
Shut out all this cold,
Don’t mess with the form, Austin,
Consider yourself told.

You’re taking all the blame Austin,
You’re taking all the crap.
Don’t bring on this ‘Storm, Austin’
There’s a proper chap.

Never give two names...

                                    

BREAKING NEWS: A hospital porter was sacked amid bullying claims. A spokesman said, "he was always pushing people around!"

Having a dog is basically just being the Imperial Wizard of a very small parade into the kitchenette for approximately one hundred times a day!

Genie: “You have three wishes. What is your first wish?”

Barmy Albert: “I wish there were no more lawyers.”

Genie: “Your wish is granted. You have used up all your wishes.”

Barmy Albert: “But you said I had three wishes.”

Genie: “Sue me!”


                                         

Fascinating Fact; There is a bloke on the This Morning programme on telly who is sexually attracted to seaweed. I think he should sea kelp.



I reckon that I'm only fat because I'm clumsy and keep walking into things. Like Domino’s Pizza, chip shops and Greggs bakery!



I’ve just spotted a post on a girl's Facebook wall. It said she was looking for a friend with benefits. I replied to her: "I'm on Universal Credit, babe!"

                                       

 



My daughter Suzie is expecting a baby and we were discussing suitable names, and she told me that she wanted something original." I suggested: "What about Werthers?”



TOP TIP: If your wife asks you to make a bird table, do not put her sixth on the list.



Fascinating Fact: I have it on good authority that junction 6 of the M60 is for Sale.

                               

                                     

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and a shady character tried to sell me an "antique conker" the other day, but I wasn't falling for that old chestnut. A few minutes later, A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle I said to my mate Barmy Albert: "It's going to kick off in a minute!"

                               

What with the exorbitant price of fuel nowadays, they really had got fuel economy mastered to a fine art in the Middle Ages. I read somewhere that Christopher Columbus did over 4000 miles to the West Indies on a mere three galleons. In fact, money has got so tight recently. As a whiskey connoisseur, that's no joke. It's got so bad that I'm now drinking Unknown Grouse!



Can someone tell me if it’s true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up? I await a reply with bated breath...



Yesterday, I spoke on the telephone to a geezer called Guy Chapman. Technically speaking, his name roughly translates to: Bloke-Bloke- Bloke.



Non-Stick Nora has gone hi-tech and is now selling batteries in our local park. She sells C cells by the seesaw! Who’d a thowt it!



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

Top Tip: Surprise the missus by booking a romantic Paris city break, to rekindle your relationship or to celebrate your wedding anniversary….

 

The Man You Knighted....

                            

Many happy returns to Brian Blessed. Not many people know that Brian Blessed is a highly accomplished horse whisperer; However, he has to stand in the next field.



Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having one of their surreal conversations: Nora sez: "You remember Tommy Grabknuckle, the bloke who used to smoke forty Benson and Hedges cigarettes a day? Well, I saw him the other day, and he hadn't had a cigarette in months. That's willpower. And remember Chester draws the alcoholic? Well, now he's the leader of the local Alcoholics Anonymous group. Now that's willpower," Albert sighs. "Okay, you want to see willpower? How about I start sleeping in the guest room every night? We'll see who has willpower" Three months later, they are still sleeping separately when Nora knocks on the guest room door in the middle of the night. She let herself in. "I'm not sure if you heard, but Chester Draws is drinking again!"

                                    

I once spotted Sir Alex Ferguson sauntering out of Buckingham Palace. I remember asking the Queen, “Was that the man you knighted?”



Finding one of her pupils gurning faces at others on the playground, Miss Turtle stopped to gently reprimand the kid. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Turtle, you can't say you weren't warned." You can say whatever you want about Miss Turtle, but she tortoise well!

                                         

The Uber driver spouted inane drivel constantly. I asked him: “Have you been doing this for long?” "Yeah, about twenty odd years now," the driver replies." Ah, so you must know the area pretty well then?" I continued. “Like the back of my hand,” the driver answers. “You really get to know the ins and outs of a place when you're driving it day after day. You see many of the same faces in your back seat, recognise people going about their same daily routines. Of course, the people inevitably change but the spirit of the place really does stay the same. Anyways, why do you ask?” I replied: “It's just that you passed my house five streets ago!”


                                                 
Just back from a Tameside Hospital appointment. Apparently, I’ve got a condition that turns my skin Battleship Grey. I’ve been informed that dad was A Carrier.  

                                             

Coming home late at night from a gig...

                                                  

Well, I've never known anything like it! What a crazy day we’ve had today! The police knocked on our door this morning at 6:30 am. The efficient policeman told me:  “Do the letters H.B. mean anything to you?” They asked.

“No"  I advised him.”

“What about G.D. then?”

“Nope, it means nothing to me,” I replied.

“How about A.P.?”

“Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?”

“No sir.” They sez: “These are just initial enquiries.”

 
           

Fascinating Fact: Women think it’s sexy seeing a man put on a uniform. But not apparently when you’re a Lollipop Man.



I told my doctor, "I've got an ingrown toenail, a verruca, athlete's foot, and sweaty feet."

He said, "I wouldn't like to be in your shoes."



Elton John wanted to send his friends an invitation to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn't find the appropriate phrase. Apparently, Soiree seems to be the hardest word.


                           

A kid was sent home from school one day. Dad asks what for.

Kid says, "Teacher asked what three times four is, and I said twelve."

Dad says, "but that's correct."

Kid says, "I know, but then she asked what four times three is."

Dad says, "What's the f**king difference?"

Kid says, "That's exactly what I said!"



Barmy Albert staggers into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and asks the bartender

“I’ll have a sh-sh-sh… shingled roof. The bartender asks him: “What’s that?”

Albert replied: “Something that’s on the house…”



                                                 

Coming home late at night from a gig, through some very lonely, desolate tarmacadam infrastructure, with only Eddie Stobart for company, all of us go a little doo-lally; whether from stage-fright or just the all-night drive, we become a contender in a scenario that no one else has ever experienced. Join me in this nightmare farrago by clicking on www.Comedian.ws or email me at comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Woody and the matching socks....

                                 

Barmy Albert said to young Willy Eckerslyke, "I can't believe it. I just lost all seven football bets I 
made, all five greyhound bets, and the three bets I made on the horses. l just don't know what I'm going to do." Young Willy sez: "Well, there's a hockey game tonight." Albert thought for a minute and replied: "Hockey? I don't know anything about hockey."



A speed cop pulls over three guys on a motorcycle "Are you guys serious?! Three people on one bike?" The pillion rider replied, "Three?! Oh shit... Tommy must’ve fallen off!"



I took the missus to a nudist beach - she spent two and a half hours deciding what not to wear!



Fascinating Fact: If your Chromosomes are XX, you're a woman. If they are XY, you’re a man. And if they are YI, then you’re a Geordie.



If God ever contacts me to tell me I have fifteen minutes left to live, I’m gonna spend those fifteen minutes on a rowing machine because it’ll feel like 24 hours.

                                  

Young Woody Eckerslyke was so naïve, as a kid of 21, a woman in a bar once whispered to him, "My socks match my panties." Woody thought that strange, because she wasn’t even wearing socks. And he thought, " Man, she’s as thick as a crofter's gherkin!”



I’ve just paid £25 for a four mile Uber ride to the laundrette. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners…



Non-Stick Nora bought a new fridge for her kitchenette. To get rid of her old fridge, she put it outside and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to a good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days, the fridge sat there without one person looking twice at it. She eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so she changed the sign to read: "fridge for sale £50." The next day, some scallywag nicked it...