I said to the missus yesterday morning, “I was just reading in a scientific paper how blades of grass can actually feel pain. Truly amazing isn’t it?” She replied, “Nice try, Fishface. Now go and get the lawnmower out of the garage.” One thing is for sure. If I drag the barbecue out of the garage, it’ll start raining.
During a gig in Blackpool at weekend, I asked a couple in the audience if they were married. He nodded and then she declared, “I’m his second wife.” Quick as a flash, I retorted, “Well, you wouldn’t be my first choice!” Oh, folly of follies. Hat and coat time already!
I was in our local Tesco, with my significant other and picked up a case of Stella Artois and plonked it in the trolley. “What do you think you’re up to?” screamed the missus. “They’re on special offer, only fifteen quid for two dozen bottles” I replied. “Put them back, we can’t afford them,” she sniffed, and we carried on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the wife picked up a £30 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley. “What do you think you’re doing?” I politely enquired. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful” replied the missus. I gazed at her with a saturnine grimace and retorted: “So does twenty four bottles of Stella and they are half the price!”
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had been friends with nonagenarian Cecilia Slopbucket for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards in their nursing home. One day they were playing cards when Cecilia looked at Elsie and proclaimed: "Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Elsie glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. Whereas, the average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom cabinet would total 337. A man would not be able to identify any more than twenty of these. Fascinating!
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, long before we met, I was a hooker!" He says "That’s alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite disconcerting, could you please elaborate?" She replies, "Well, my name was Sidney, and I played for Wigan!"
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Manchester. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, an old bloke in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”
Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were lying in bed one night. Albert was nodding off, but Nora was in a romantic mood and wanted to natter. She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”Wearily, Albert reached across, held her hand for a second, and then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she opined: “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked. “Gonna go get my teeth!”