Hey guys! Listen up! Don’t forget that this month, we celebrate the three days when all women rightfully acknowledge that the man is always right. That would be the 29th, 30th and 31st of February.
Another important date is tomorrow, namely Valentines Day! Looking for some guidance here: What's the best number of Roses to give the wife for Valentines Day? Is it: six or a dozen, or the whole tin? Last February 14 was a total disaster and she ended up in Tameside A & E. I told the matron that my wife had choked on a Quality Street chocolate. The matron asked me: “The purple one?” I sez: “Yes. That’s her!”
The powers that be at Manchester United have maintained that they will not under any circumstances sell Garnacho to any of their rivals. So that rules out Ipswich, Southampton, Leicester, Wolves, Everton and Spurs.
He's blessed with good fortune that Marcus Rashford. He's moved from 13th to 8th, without even kicking a ball.
Well, Barmy Albert was absolutely flabbergasted! He’d spent forty-eight hours on a trolley in the corridor at hospital A & E after getting covered in camouflage paint and he still hasn’t been seen.
I can't believe people are comparing Putin to Satan. Yes, I wholeheartedly concur that he's evil, but certainly not as evil as Putin...
I just parked my car at the hospital when the carpark attendant shouted over to me, "You can't park there, that's for badge holders only!” "That’s okay " I replied "I've got a bad shoulder."
Q) What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?
A) A chicken sees a salad....
There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So, he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”
Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied.
I did a gig at an old folk’s home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn’t even answer my "Knock - Knock" jokes until I showed them some I.D.
The bloke who cuts keys and repairs shoes in Stalybridge must be really good, judging by the number of trophies in his window!
I sez to the missus last night, "I really fancy a takeaway." She replied, "You talking Chinese?" I sez, "No, did it sound Chinese?”
Breaking News: Police in Liverpool have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 Kalashnikov semi-automatic rifles, together with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked illegal immigrants, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: "We’re totally gobsmacked. We never knew we had a Library." No doubt both books it contained had already been coloured in!
Thought for Thursday: A man fleeing war takes his wife and children. A man going to war, leaves them behind.
The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) was limping down Scropton Street yesterday. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me: “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy glare she gave me would have knocked a buzzard off a tip!
Yesterday afternoon, the German Shepherd from next door leapt over the fence and pooed on my lawn. It gets worse. This morning, he brought his dog with him! The missus exclaimed: “You’re no gonna put up with that are you?” I replied: “Well what can I do?” She then asked me: “Are you a man or are you a mouse?” she continued: “You can go and get a shovel and throw it over next doors fence!” So, now I have a lawn full of dog poo and no shovel!”
Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle your socks off by howling at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
The powers that be at Manchester United have maintained that they will not under any circumstances sell Garnacho to any of their rivals. So that rules out Ipswich, Southampton, Leicester, Wolves, Everton and Spurs.
He's blessed with good fortune that Marcus Rashford. He's moved from 13th to 8th, without even kicking a ball.
Well, Barmy Albert was absolutely flabbergasted! He’d spent forty-eight hours on a trolley in the corridor at hospital A & E after getting covered in camouflage paint and he still hasn’t been seen.
I can't believe people are comparing Putin to Satan. Yes, I wholeheartedly concur that he's evil, but certainly not as evil as Putin...
I just parked my car at the hospital when the carpark attendant shouted over to me, "You can't park there, that's for badge holders only!” "That’s okay " I replied "I've got a bad shoulder."
Q) What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?
A) A chicken sees a salad....
There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So, he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”
Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied.
I did a gig at an old folk’s home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn’t even answer my "Knock - Knock" jokes until I showed them some I.D.
The bloke who cuts keys and repairs shoes in Stalybridge must be really good, judging by the number of trophies in his window!
I sez to the missus last night, "I really fancy a takeaway." She replied, "You talking Chinese?" I sez, "No, did it sound Chinese?”
Breaking News: Police in Liverpool have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 Kalashnikov semi-automatic rifles, together with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked illegal immigrants, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: "We’re totally gobsmacked. We never knew we had a Library." No doubt both books it contained had already been coloured in!
Thought for Thursday: A man fleeing war takes his wife and children. A man going to war, leaves them behind.
The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) was limping down Scropton Street yesterday. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me: “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy glare she gave me would have knocked a buzzard off a tip!
Yesterday afternoon, the German Shepherd from next door leapt over the fence and pooed on my lawn. It gets worse. This morning, he brought his dog with him! The missus exclaimed: “You’re no gonna put up with that are you?” I replied: “Well what can I do?” She then asked me: “Are you a man or are you a mouse?” she continued: “You can go and get a shovel and throw it over next doors fence!” So, now I have a lawn full of dog poo and no shovel!”
Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle your socks off by howling at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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