Storm Austin by Steven P Taylor....

 

Don’t bring on this ‘Storm Austin,
Don’t bring on this wind,
Get back to the norm Austin,
Make this gust rescind.

Make the weather warm, Austin,
Shut out all this cold,
Don’t mess with the form, Austin,
Consider yourself told.

You’re taking all the blame Austin,
You’re taking all the crap.
Don’t bring on this ‘Storm, Austin’
There’s a proper chap.

Never give two names...

                                    

BREAKING NEWS: A hospital porter was sacked amid bullying claims. A spokesman said, "he was always pushing people around!"

Having a dog is basically just being the grand marshal of a very small parade into the kitchenette for approximately one hundred times a day!

Genie: “You have three wishes. What is your first wish?”

Barmy Albert: “I wish there were no more lawyers.”

Genie: “Your wish is granted. You have used up all your wishes.”

Barmy Albert: “But you said I had three wishes.”

Genie: “Sue me!”


                                         

Fascinating Fact; There is a bloke on the This Morning programme on telly who is sexually attracted to seaweed. I think he should sea kelp.



I reckon that I'm only fat because I'm clumsy and keep walking into things. Like Domino’s Pizza, chip shops and Greggs bakery!



I’ve just spotted a post on a girl's Facebook wall. It said she was looking for a friend with benefits. I replied to her: "I'm on Universal Credit, babe!"

                                       

 



My daughter Suzie is expecting a baby and we were discussing suitable names, and she told me that she wanted something original." I suggested: "What about Werthers?”



TOP TIP: If your wife asks you to make a bird table, do not put her sixth on the list.



Fascinating Fact: I have it on good authority that junction 6 of the M60 is for Sale.

                               

                                     

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and a shady character tried to sell me an "antique conker" the other day, but I wasn't falling for that old chestnut. A few minutes later, A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle I said to my mate Barmy Albert: "It's going to kick off in a minute!"

                               

What with the exorbitant price of fuel nowadays, they really had got fuel economy mastered to a fine art in the Middle Ages. I read somewhere that Christopher Columbus did over 4000 miles to the West Indies on a mere three galleons. In fact, money has got so tight recently. As a whiskey connoisseur, that's no joke. It's got so bad that I'm now drinking Unknown Grouse!



Can someone tell me if it’s true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up? I await a reply with bated breath...



Yesterday, I spoke on the telephone to a geezer called Guy Chapman. Technically speaking, his name roughly translates to: Bloke-Bloke- Bloke.



Non-Stick Nora has gone hi-tech and is now selling batteries in our local park. She sells C cells by the seesaw! Who’d a thowt it!



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

Top Tip: Surprise the missus by booking a romantic Paris city break, to rekindle your relationship or to celebrate your wedding anniversary….

 

The Man You Knighted....

                            

Many happy returns to Brian Blessed. Not many people know that Brian Blessed is a highly accomplished horse whisperer; However, he has to stand in the next field.



Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having one of their surreal conversations: Nora sez: "You remember Tommy Grabknuckle, the bloke who used to smoke forty Benson and Hedges cigarettes a day? Well, I saw him the other day, and he hadn't had a cigarette in months. That's willpower. And remember Chester draws the alcoholic? Well, now he's the leader of the local Alcoholics Anonymous group. Now that's willpower," Albert sighs. "Okay, you want to see willpower? How about I start sleeping in the guest room every night? We'll see who has willpower" Three months later, they are still sleeping separately when Nora knocks on the guest room door in the middle of the night. She let herself in. "I'm not sure if you heard, but Chester Draws is drinking again!"

                                    

I once spotted Sir Alex Ferguson sauntering out of Buckingham Palace. I remember asking the Queen, “Was that the man you knighted?”



Finding one of her pupils gurning faces at others on the playground, Miss Turtle stopped to gently reprimand the kid. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Turtle, you can't say you weren't warned." You can say whatever you want about Miss Turtle, but she tortoise well!

                                         

The Uber driver spouted inane drivel constantly. I asked him: “Have you been doing this for long?” "Yeah, about twenty odd years now," the driver replies." Ah, so you must know the area pretty well then?" I continued. “Like the back of my hand,” the driver answers. “You really get to know the ins and outs of a place when you're driving it day after day. You see many of the same faces in your back seat, recognise people going about their same daily routines. Of course, the people inevitably change but the spirit of the place really does stay the same. Anyways, why do you ask?” I replied: “It's just that you passed my house five streets ago!”


                                                 
Just back from a Tameside Hospital appointment. Apparently, I’ve got a condition that turns my skin Battleship Grey. I’ve been informed that dad was A Carrier.  

                                             

Coming home late at night from a gig...

                                                  

Well, I've never known anything like it! What a crazy day we’ve had today! The police knocked on our door this morning at 6:30 am. The efficient policeman told me:  “Do the letters H.B. mean anything to you?” They asked.

“No"  I advised him.”

“What about G.D. then?”

“Nope, it means nothing to me,” I replied.

“How about A.P.?”

“Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?”

“No sir.” They sez: “These are just initial enquiries.”

 
           

Fascinating Fact: Women think it’s sexy seeing a man put on a uniform. But not apparently when you’re a Lollipop Man.



I told my doctor, "I've got an ingrown toenail, a verruca, athlete's foot, and sweaty feet."

He said, "I wouldn't like to be in your shoes."



Elton John wanted to send his friends an invitation to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn't find the appropriate phrase. Apparently, Soiree seems to be the hardest word.


                           

A kid was sent home from school one day. Dad asks what for.

Kid says, "Teacher asked what three times four is, and I said twelve."

Dad says, "but that's correct."

Kid says, "I know, but then she asked what four times three is."

Dad says, "What's the f**king difference?"

Kid says, "That's exactly what I said!"



Barmy Albert staggers into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and asks the bartender

“I’ll have a sh-sh-sh… shingled roof. The bartender asks him: “What’s that?”

Albert replied: “Something that’s on the house…”



                                                 

Coming home late at night from a gig, through some very lonely, desolate tarmacadam infrastructure, with only Eddie Stobart for company, all of us go a little doo-lally; whether from stage-fright or just the all-night drive, we become a contender in a scenario that no one else has ever experienced. Join me in this nightmare farrago by clicking on www.Comedian.ws or email me at comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Woody and the matching socks....

                                 

Barmy Albert said to young Willy Eckerslyke, "I can't believe it. I just lost all seven football bets I 
made, all five greyhound bets, and the three bets I made on the horses. l just don't know what I'm going to do." Young Willy sez: "Well, there's a hockey game tonight." Albert thought for a minute and replied: "Hockey? I don't know anything about hockey."



A speed cop pulls over three guys on a motorcycle "Are you guys serious?! Three people on one bike?" The pillion rider replied, "Three?! Oh shit... Tommy must’ve fallen off!"



I took the missus to a nudist beach - she spent two and a half hours deciding what not to wear!



Fascinating Fact: If your Chromosomes are XX, you're a woman. If they are XY, you’re a man. And if they are YI, then you’re a Geordie.



If God ever contacts me to tell me I have fifteen minutes left to live, I’m gonna spend those fifteen minutes on a rowing machine because it’ll feel like 24 hours.

                                  

Young Woody Eckerslyke was so naïve, as a kid of 21, a woman in a bar once whispered to him, "My socks match my panties." Woody thought that strange, because she wasn’t even wearing socks. And he thought, " Man, she’s as thick as a crofter's gherkin!”



I’ve just paid £25 for a four mile Uber ride to the laundrette. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners…



Non-Stick Nora bought a new fridge for her kitchenette. To get rid of her old fridge, she put it outside and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to a good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days, the fridge sat there without one person looking twice at it. She eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so she changed the sign to read: "fridge for sale £50." The next day, some scallywag nicked it...

                                                         

                            

The Animal Rights Activist’s annual barbecue...

                                              

Twisted Firestarter Donald Trump is at it again! He’s only gone and changed Lake Ontario to Lake America! Great and vital presidential work, I say! In retaliation, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has rebranded Canadian geese as Donald Ducks.

Barmy Albert will never forget the look on Non-Stick Nora's face when he gave her her 40th birthday card. With a forlorn frown and tears in her eyes, she said: “One would have done…”

Maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws was impeccably dressed and looking quite distinguished and sartorially elegant when he sauntered into a very expensive restaurant in Paris's 6th arrondissement. He wore a tailored suit, a silk tie and highly polished black Gucci shoes. Chester ordered champagne, foie gras, lobster and a vintage bottle of Bordeaux. For dessert, he selected the most expensive item on the menu and ordered a brandy. When he had finished his meal, the waiter presented him with the bill. Chester looked at the waiter and said, “I don't know if you remember me, but many, many years ago I was quite down on my luck. I came here for a meal, and when it came time to pay, I couldn't.” The waiter looked at him more closely. “You publicly humiliated me,” Chester continued. “You had security march me through the restaurant and throw me out into the street.” The waiter suddenly remembered the incident. His face turned bright red, and he began to apologise profusely. Chester held up his hand. “Don't worry, old chap,” he said. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to do it again.”

When I was a little kid, my mum gave me some devastating news. She told me that I was adopted. I must confess that I teared up a bit, then cried hard and burst out, "I want to meet my real parents.” To which my mother replied, “We are your real parents. Now go and pack up all your stuff. You were adopted, and they'll be here in a few minutes."
                                       

Yesterday, I visited Aldi to buy an angle grinder, a two-man tent and a riding hat. I came out with a loaf, a litre of skimmed milk and some teabags!

The day before, I was in Tesco, buying wine and using the self-checkout, so it had to be approved. When the assistant came over, I asked in a jocular fashion: “Do I need to show you some I.D.?” Without missing a beat, she replied: “That ship has long since sailed.”

Breaking News: Police have arrested three armed men near the Cellarfield nuclear power station.

Just turned down a gig in the Middle East. My agent wanted me to go to Riyadh, but I said No, No, No!

                                 

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot climb a ladder with a rabbit in each hand...

                                   

Another crazy Amazon purchase by the missus: she purchased a new oven glove in a bright dayglow yellow colour. I kept making hilarious comments about it, and now she's taken the huff and isn’t speaking to me. In hindsight, I probably did take it too far; I mustard mitt...

This compounded another unfortunate farrago, when the wife asked me to buy her something silky for our Wedding Anniversary. No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour. It’s bright yellow!

Fascinating Fact: Our cat won the British milk drinking race this year. Once he was pronounced the winner, they gave him another saucerful so he could do a lap of honour. Don’t ask meow!

On a gig last weekend, I worked with an ABBA tribute act. They sounded like the real thing, which was unfortunate, as they were supposed to sound like ABBA.

Jonathan Gold and Ruth Reichl, two famous food critics, are out having dinner. The Maître d stops by their table and asks: “Is anything okay?”

I need 4 pigs. I’m going to paint 1-2-3-5 on them, release them in The Trafford Centre and then watch while they search for number 4.

Did you know that you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot climb a ladder with a rabbit in each hand.

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were fast asleep when the phone rang at 2 a.m. Nora answered, and after a few seconds, she exclaimed, “How should I know? That’s over 200 miles away!” and hung up. Albert asked her, “Who was that? And what did they want?” Nora replied, “I have no idea. Some stupid woman wanted to know if the coast is clear.”

Their conversations grew more surreal by the day. For instance, Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora that his mother-in-law was doing great. “She's gonna get out of the hospital and be with us for decades." "Incredible!" replied Nora "But I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!" Barmy Albert says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."


                                        

Riddle me this: If you invited Tess Daly, Seb Coe, Val Kilmer and Hugh Grant to dinner and made them cook, would you end up with a Tess Coe Val Hugh meal?

Barmy Albert sauntered into his local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and spotted a dog perched at the other end of the bar, quaffing a glass of red wine. Albert asked Dastardly Derek, the landlord, about the dog, and the landlord replied: “Yeah. He’s a Bordeaux Collie!”

I once asked a girl out, and she turned me down flat because she reckoned that I had a face like the back of a boat. I didn’t get upset, and I did not comment. I just gave her a very stern look

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his doctor, who told him he had some bad news. Tommy was resolute and said: “Cut to the chase, doctor. How long do I have?” The physician replied: “Ten.” Tommy asked him: “What! Days or months?” The doctor said: “Nine.,,,”

Meanwhile, in a multicultural meeting of minds, a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Russian visit the Louvre in Paris and admire Michelangelo's painting of Adam and Eve. Looking at the portrait, the Brit says, "Look how reserved and calm they look. They are obviously British." The Frenchman says, "No, no, non, they are beautiful, naked and free. They are obviously French." The Russian says, "nah, they are Russian; they are naked, cold, have one apple to eat between them, and have been told they are in Paradise."               

                                             

Thinking the Unthinkable...

                                   

Breaking News: King Charles and Prince William are currently viewing various properties in California

With the current El Nino heatwave gubbins, you can tell it’s reached 34°C behind the abattoir, up Scropton Street back snicket. The scrag-end, chavvy mothers are screaming their tonsils off at the kids and using Elizabethan expletives and swearing like they’re auditioning for a Jeremy Kyle reboot. Meanwhile, a Yamaha YZ80 is being scrambled up and down the estate, closely followed by a Thumpstar 140 fitted with what appears to be a drainpipe for an exhaust. Moreover, UB40 is being blasted at approximately 120 decibels because apparently the entire postcode needed to hear Red, Red Wine because the infamous lyrics had slipped from their minuscule craniums. What with all this global warming and drought situations that are currently prevalent, anyone who has dumped a cadaver in Tintwistle reservoir must be getting a bit twitchy now…

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert attended a fancy dress party at The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub last weekend. They were both dressed as tea bags. On the way home, they got mugged!

Much later on, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were fast asleep when the phone rang at 2 a.m. Nora answered, and after a few seconds, she exclaimed, “How should I know? That’s over 200 miles away!” and hung up. Albert asked her, “Who was that? And what did they want?” Nora replied, “I have no idea. Some stupid woman wanted to know if the coast is clear.” The conversations between them grew more surreal by the day. For instance, Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora that his mother-in-law was doing great. “She's gonna get out of the hospital and be with us for decades." "Incredible!" replied Nora "But I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!" Barmy Albert says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."

Fascinating Fact: It’s ironic that the days of the week are named after gods, because at the moment I’ve no idea what deities.

KITCHENWARE COMPANY BOSS: “So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan?” SUSAN: “Nah. Couldn't be bothered, mate.”

Riddle me this: If you invited Tess Daly, Seb Coe, Val Kilmer and Hugh Grant to dinner and made them cook, would you end up with a Tess Coe Val Hugh meal?

                               

  

Meanwhile, a French bloke, a young blonde girl, an old lady and a fella wearing a Stalybridge Celtic shirt are all on a train to Manchester. The train goes into a tunnel, and the compartment goes completely dark, at which point a loud wallop is heard. When they emerge from the tunnel, the Frenchman is rubbing his jaw. The old lady thinks, "Oh folly, folly! The Frenchman must have gotten handsy with the young lady, so she slapped him. Good for her!" The young blonde thinks, "The Frenchman must have tried to get forward with me, but groped the old lady instead, so she slapped him." The Frenchman thinks, "That Stalybridge pig must have touched the blonde girl inappropriately, and she thought it was me, so she slapped me!" And the Stalybridge Celtic fan thinks, " I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap the French geezer again!"

I'm currently listening to an audiobook narrated by Chris Eubank. It's called "Thinking the Unthinkable" It's all about the Titanic...

Have you ever been halfway through eating a horse between two back doors and thought to yourself, “You know, I’m not as hungry as I thought I was!”

Young Woody Eckerslyke is telling his brother Willy that he’s dating an unusual Turkish girl, whose mother was Tunisian and her father Canadian, although one of her grandparents was Albanian and her half-brother is Danish. Willy was astounded and told him that he needed to break up with her. When Woody asked, “Why?” Willy replied: “Too many red flags!”

                                                     

The Travelodge Dorky Door Key Dilemma....

                         

The Travelodge hotel chain says it has made "immediate changes" to its door key policy after a vulnerable female hotel guest was assaulted by a dubious bloke who was given a duplicate key card to her room. I stay in many Travelodge hotels while I’m doing gigs nationwide, and I must confess that a voluptuous blonde woman gained access to my room last week, and when I asked her who she was, she told me her name was Inga. Trying to be funny, I asked her if she was any relation to Ingersoll, the watch. She said: “Yes. The same price, but a different movement…”

Fascinating Fact: An anagram of Nigel Farage is: A leering fag.

Whenever I see a warning label on peanut butter saying it may contain peanuts. I understand why aliens don't visit us anymore. Imagine if an alien looked down and witnessed us picking up dog poop. Who would they think is the superior species?

Although I’ve never spoken to the woman next door in 24 years, until today. I’ve discovered that her name is Alice…

                              

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were languishing in their local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and it was Quiz Night. This question cropped up, and they were asked to name three hits by Meat Loaf. Albert racked his brains and could only come up with ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’ and ‘Bat Out of Hell’, and then his mind went blank. Nora opined: “Two out of Three Ain’t Bad…

As my wife and I were leaving for a night out, the babysitter told us to take as long as we like...
That was two years ago. I hope she's enjoying being a parent...

                              

Young Willy and Woody Eckerslyke arrived late at Stalybridge Train Station along with maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws; however, the train was already leaving the platform. A station worker managed to push Willy and Woody onto the moving train, but Chester was left behind.

The station guard told him: "I'm sorry. I couldn't get you on the train." Chester chortled and smiled and sez: "No problem. The two guys on the train are the ones who'll be sorry." The guard asked: "Why?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Chester replied: "Because they were only here to see me off."



                           

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was in a quandary. When her dear friend Cynthia passed away, she left her fifty quid in her will, and Elsie couldn’t decide what the safest thing to do with this money. Her husband Tommy told her to put it in the bank. "What if there's a recession?" says Elsie. Tommy reckoned that if the bank fails, then the bank administration guarantees your money back, Elsie was still somewhat perturbed by this scenario. "What if the administration fails?" she asked.
Tommy replied: "If the administration fails, the Bank of England guarantees your money back."
Elsie asked him: "What if the Bank of England goes pear-shaped?" Tommy told her: "If the Bank of England goes into liquidation, the International Monetary Fund would guarantee your money back."
Elsie was still worried and said: "Well, what if the International Monetary Fund goes bust?"
Tommy assured her, "Then the British government will guarantee your money back." "What if the British government went bust?" says Elsie, Tommy, who by now was totally exasperated, told her: "Are you telling me you wouldn't pay fifty quid to see that?"

A blonde goes to the counter and says: "I'd like to order fries and a Coke." The man at the counter tells her: "Madam, this is a library." The blonde whispers: "I'd like to order fries and a Coke."


                            

The Funny, Facetious and Farcical French Frog Legs Farrago...

                                                         

Tameside Police are seeking to arrest a prolific shoplifter who has been stealing sweets and chocolate from local retail outlets by taping them to different parts of his anatomy. A senior police spokesman told this newspaper: "He won’t get far because he’s got a Bounty on his head."

One of billionaire Elon Musk's many children emailed him from his university: Dear Dad, London is wonderful, people are fantastic, and I really do like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train: your son, Tomas. The following day, Elon replied: Dear Son, Thirty-five million dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a nice train too. Luv, Dad

A vicar, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf together. After a few holes, one guest exclaimed: "That foursome ahead of us is really slow. They're all over the fairway, they're in the rough, four-putting holes. Couldn't we ask to play through?" The host replied, "No, we don't like to do that. Those guys are partially sighted. They have a special professional who helps them line up shots, and our club lets them play free." The vicar declared: "Why, that's incredible. What exemplary fortitude they possess! I'll ask my congregation to pray for them; maybe we could get a miracle." The doctor pronounced:  "Well, perhaps I can beat that. I know an ophthalmologist who's having good luck with some experimental surgeries. I’ll ask him if he could assist with his immense knowledge." The engineer scratched his head for a moment and replied:  "Couldn't they play at night?"

 

Two fascinating Facts: What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle. I just purchased a First Aid Kit because I thought I’d treat myself!.

                               

Andy Burnham was visiting an old folk’s home purely as a publicity stunt to show how sympathetic he was to the cost-of-living crisis for the elderly. He went up to octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, who was in a wheelchair, and because he’d only been Prime Minister for a few weeks, he asked her: “Do you know who I am?” Elsie replied: “No, I don’t, but if you ask Matron, she will tell you.”



Meanwhile, over at Tameside College, Young Willy Eckerslye sauntered into the lecture room, only to discover his physics professor face down on his desk, crying inconsolably. Willie put his hand on his shoulder and asked him: “Hey. What’s the matter?” The professor replied: “Anything that has mass and takes up space….”

Non-Stick Nora phoned Currys PC World, and the call went thus: “Hi, we bought a computer from you yesterday and it won’t turn on.” The Tech Services guy told her: “Press the big button.” She answered: “I’ve done that already.” He continued: “Try the cord at the back of the PC. Maybe it’s disconnected?” Nora sez: “Hang on. I’ll go and fetch a torch. Don’t go away, I’ll only be a minute.” The Tech Services guy asked her: “Why on earth do you need a torch?” She told him: “It’s dark. We have no electricity….”




Little Tarquin was crying because he was lost in town and stopped a policeman. He told him that he couldn’t find his daddy. The efficient copper asked him: "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" The policeman asked: “How old is your father?” Little Tarquin replied, “As old as me.” The copper laughed and sez: “How can that be?” He answered: “Well, he didn't become a father until I was born.” ” It's people like David Beckham, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin that give kids a bad name...

 

I took the missus out for dinner last weekend.  We visited a new French restaurant up Scropton Street.  The wife had frog legs and chicken thighs, but she’s got a wonderful personality....

 

When I was a kid, my dad always told me that the jingle of the ice cream van meant they had sold out.

 

Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside Colgate head office keeps disappearing.

 

When a Righteous Brother sang: "You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips." His missus sez: "Hold it right there, mister, there's only one way you'd know that!"

 

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Just for your own information, you can have a ton of gravel dropped off in your ex's driveway for a mere fifty quid.

 

In Romania, a geezer entered the bar and announced: “Free beers outside!” So, everyone in the bar, except the bartender, legged it outside in excitement. The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man, “What in Tarnation did you do that for? Now I have no customers!!” The man sez: “Sorry landlord, I  honestly didn’t reckon any of those blokes would be brave enough to fight one grizzly beer, let alone three of them”

                                        

I wondered if you have noticed the striking resemblance between the new Lord Mayor of Manchester and the Rt. Hon Edmund Blackadder, and does the former have a cunning plan?

The doctors esteemed prognosis....

                                   

                                      
Yesterday, my doctor advised me to pack in the booze. This will be a massive change for me. I have been with that doctor for 25 years. 

"I just can't abide it anymore, doc," I told him, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for twenty minutes, and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?" "I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there? Global warming is destroying the planet! Wildfires are engulfing the landscape, mega-volcanoes are waking from dormancy, spewing molten lava down the mountainside, engulfing the homesteads below! Putin has started World War III! Visibly shaken, I felt the urge to pay a visit, rushed into the toilet quickly, and all was well! Ashamed, but relieved, I thanked the doctor profusely. "No trouble at all," the doctor chuckled. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."

Last weekend I had dinner at an excellent Christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth". They also do takeaways.

The double-glazing salesman knocked on the door, and after a few seconds, it opened to reveal a boy about eight years old with a tumbler of malt whiskey in his hand, smoking a cigar. The salesman was flabbergasted and asked the kid, "Excuse me, are your parents home?" The boy took a puff of the cigar, sipped some whiskey, then replied: "What do you think?"

I’m currently in Tameside Hospital. Unfortunately, I have been diagnosed with this hide-and-seek virus. They are transferring me to ICU…

Maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws visited Scropton Street Casino, and as he meandered among the various gamblers, he noticed a poker table where one of the players was a dog. He was astounded and asked young Willy Eckerslyke, “Is that dog actually playing poker?” “Yes.” Willy replied. “That’s got to be the smartest dog in the world!” Chester exclaimed. “Nah,” Willie replied. “Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”

To impress her guests, Non-Stick Nora was preparing a complex Heston Blumenthal recipe of Escargot, which roughly translated is snails in garlic. She dispatches Barmy Albert to buy the snails, which he dutifully does, but then pops into the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub for a quick tankard of Farquharson's Auld and Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. He gets involved in a game of darts and dominoes; one thing leads to another, and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's after nine o’clock. Realising he's extremely late, Albert legs it home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. A furious Nora opens the door. “Where the hell have you been?” she screams. Albert waves back to the snails, “Come on, lads!” he shouts “We're almost there!”
  

                                                                     

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle had a row with his neighbour so in a fit of pique, he dumped an old wash basin on his front lawn. As Tommy was walking away, he shouted: “If you think I'm apologising, you’ve got another sink coming!”

A lawyer died and ended up at the pearly gates. “There’s got to be some mistake,” the lawyer opined, putting his case. “I’m far too young to die. I’m only 42 years old!” “Just 42? That doesn't sound right,” said St Peter. The lawyer sighed with relief. "Thank you so much. I knew this had to be some manner of error." "Ah, wait, here it is," St Peter declared, looking over his records. "According to our calculations, you're actually 102 years old." "Where in the world did you get that number? That’s completely fabricated.” The lawyer responded. St Peter replied: "Not according to all the hours you’ve invoiced your clients!”

                                            

The Seductive Specsavers Scenario!

                                    

I was on holiday in Turkey and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shave with a solid steel stone-ground razor, snip out nose and ear hairs, wax off chest and stray black hair, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife has never looked so good....

Barmy Albert told Tommy Grabknuckle that he argued with Non-Stick Nora and told her that what she’s wearing is wholly inappropriate for gardening. Tommy asked: “Did she listen to your advice?” Albert replied: “Nope. She’s digging in her heels…”

On the TV quiz show front, did they ever reveal what 'Blankety Blank' was actually called?

I told the barber that I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So, he gave me two cushions to sit on.

I spent the weekend installing a high-voltage electric fence around my property. My neighbour’s dead against it.

I recently had my pet frog Fritz DNA’d. Apparently, he's part German, part French and a tad Pole.

                       

  

Went to see my granny yesterday in the care home where she is domiciled and one of the residents kept saying what a pretty boy I am! I thought she's got good eyesight for her age. Ten minutes later I noticed that she was reading her newspaper upside down.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Seductively, she leaned in, lowered the lights, and looked straight into my eyes. I measure the mood, and go in for a kiss. Then the next thing, I’m being escorted out of Specsavers and banned from going in there anymore!

Two young chemistry students walk into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Trying to sound smart, the first one asked the barman for a pint of H20. He was served a glass of water. The other student, who was also trying to sound impressive, said, "I'll have a pint of H20 too." His funeral is next week.

Yesterday, I burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave a pepperoni and mushroom pizza in the oven while I take a power nap.

Hey! Andy Burnham! I reckon that I've come up with a credible solution to the illegal immigration and asylum seekers problem. Why don't you swap Border Force with GPs receptionists and then no one will get in. Furthermore, another brilliant brainwave that I’d dreamed up is: why don’t you get rid of all the Lollipop men/women and rebuild all the schools on the other side of the road!


                                           

Non-Stick Nora texts Barmy Albert at work: "Don't forget to get some bread. Oh, and your girlfriend Cynthia says hi." Albert was perplexed and asked: "Who's Cynthia?" Nora replied: "Nobody, just making sure you read my text." Albert sez: "Phew! I'm with Cynthia right now. I thought you copped us! Nora sez: "What?! Where are you?" Albert told her: "In the Wetherspoons next to the bakery." Nora is incandescent and tells him: "Stay there, I'm on my way!" Five minutes later: Nora: "I'm here, where are you?" "I’m still at work. While you're there, get a loaf!"

Maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws dad sadly passed away, so he goes to the undertaker and tells him he wants the best of everything for his father. The funeral is absolutely beautiful, and Chester is extremely pleased. The next day, Chester received an invoice for four thousand quid, and he pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for £85. He figures it's just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too. The following month, another bill for £85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, "I keep getting these bills for £85. I thought I paid for the funeral already?" The undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tuxedo from Moss Bros."

Bountiful bunkum and baloney from bounder Chester Draws...

                                            

Barmy Albert reluctantly agreed to paint the local church. Money was tight, so he surreptitiously watered down the paint to make it go a lot further. Halfway through the job, a violent storm rolled in. Thunder crashed. Lightning struck. Then a booming voice came from the sky: "How very dare you swindle MY church!" Albert fell to his knees and lay prostrate at the altar. "Lord, I'm sorry! What can I do to make recompense?" The voice replied: "Repaint... Repaint... and thin no more!"

I attended a dinner last week where they held a wine tasting event prior to the main event. I must admit that whenever I hear wine experts talk about a ‘complex’ wine, I assume they mean one that doesn't have a screw top. In an effort to improve my limited knowledge, I’ve joined a wine club. We meet at 9 am in the local park every morning.


In the spirit of Wimbledon, I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked on the internet to see the best way to serve them. It suggested I halve the strawberries, sprinkle them with icing sugar and pile cream on top. My verdict is that Preparation H tastes awful!

In the unlikely event I ever get offered three wishes by a genie, I not only have them all planned out in advance, but typed up in a Word document. One of them has fifteen subclauses (so far) to avoid any malicious genie skullduggery and malpractice.

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was telling Non-Stick Nora that her husband Tommy went to the local Co-op to get some spuds for their tea and he was hit by a van." Nora opined: "That’s terrible! What are you going to do now?" Elsie thought for a moment and replied: “I think I’ll go to the chippy!”.

Isn’t it fascinating how potatoes give us not only French fries, but vodka too! All the other vegetables should sort their life out and step up to the plate!

A shady character in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, asked if I wanted to buy a pocket calculator. I politely declined and told him in no uncertain terms: "No thanks, I already know how many pockets I have." The wife suggested, on the way to the pub, I drop my trousers at the dry cleaners, which I did. I got a round of applause but was banned from ever going in there again.

                                           

Master of bunkum and baloney, Chester Draws was on the prowl in his Double Glazed Windows company's reception area when he spotted a bloke languishing in the corner, doomscrolling on his phone. He asked him outright: "What are you doing?" The fella replied; wasting my time until I get paid." Chester was furious. "What is your monthly salary?" The guy replied: “Fifteen hundred quid.” Chester then counted out £1500 in cash and gave it to the man. "Take this money and get out! You don't work here anymore!" The bloke silently took the money and left. Chester walked up to the reception. "By the way, who was that guy?" With all the dignity that she could muster, the receptionist sez: "Pizza delivery."

I was in a Top Man store trying to buy a plain grey pin-striped jacket. The cashier asks for my email for the receipt. I told her: “No thanks. Just the jacket is fine.” She stops scanning, looks me dead in the eyes, and whispers: “Please just give me a fake one. My manager tracks my capture rate.” I panic and blurt out, batman@hotmail.com. She types it in, nods slowly, and says: “Thank you for your valued custom, Mr Wayne.”

Thursday Quiz: Q) How do you apply Tartan Paint? A) With a Bay City Roller.

I visited my local Chinese takeaway last night, and she asked me if I'd like to hear The Specials. They gave me Too Much Foo Yung....

                                              

Summer tales from the Scropton Street Back Snicket...

                    

It’s Saturday, and the heat has settled over Scropton Street like a damp towel someone forgot to wring out. Thirty‑six degrees, the kind of temperature that makes even the brickwork sweat. You stand at your window, watching the neighbourhood come to life in its usual, unhinged choreography.

Up the back snicket, the miscreants are stirring — a slow, feral awakening. Paddling pools materialise from sheds like relics of a forgotten civilisation, each one held together by 79% masking tape and 21% blind optimism. Four kids are already submerged in one, splashing around with a lolloping Lurcher and Uncle Derek, who’s cooling his cans of Carlsberg in the same tepid broth.

The shirtless tattooed blokes have emerged for their annual migration, pale as Matthews Turkey Twizzlers now, destined to resemble lobster thermidor by teatime. They still insist they “don’t burn, me,” even as their shoulders audibly sizzle.

The air outside is a cocktail of Factor 30, Lynx Africa, Hollands meat‑and‑potato pies, and the rancid pong of No. 32’s wheelie bin, which has been quietly fermenting since last Monday. Non‑Stick Nora is parading her new £15 fan from B&M like she’s installed full air‑con, while Barmy Albert’s nan sits in her conservatory in a buttoned‑up cardigan muttering, “It’s not that warm.”

The local Facebook group is already in meltdown. Half the posts are “Is this your dog?” The other half are people complaining about children screaming. It’s the first sunny weekend in eight months — they’re feral now. Accept it.

Tommy Grabknuckle is washing his Skoda with Fairy Liquid, blasting Max Bygraves’ 12‑inch Megamix cassette loud enough for three postcodes to harmonise. By early evening, two blokes will be arguing about whose turn it is to fetch more ale, someone’s kid will have lost his front teeth, and the air ambulance will probably be landing because Big and Daft Dave has attempted a somersault off the dog kennel into two feet of water.

Burnham BBC Breaking News Breakfast Bulletin....

 Young Woody Eckerslyke told Barmy Albert: "I'm having a clandestine dalliance with the vicar's wife. Could you distract him and have a long conversation about God and the bible in church for an hour after the service for me?" Woody asked. Albert wasn't comfortable with the concept, but as a good pal, he reluctantly agreed. Once the service ended, Albert began engaging the vicar with all sorts of pointless questions in an effort to buy Woody some time. Eventually, the vicar grew impatient and asked Albert what he was really up to. Riddled with guilt, Albert finally confessed, "Look, I'm very sorry. My mate Woody is having an assignation with your missus right now, and he asked me to keep you distracted." The vicar paused for a moment, smiled warmly, and with all the decorum that he could rally, placed a comforting hand on Barmy Albert's shoulder and sez: "You might want to hurry home, dear boy," he said. "My wife died over two years ago.”

                                                            

                                              

Andy Burnham visited one of the poorest towns in the North of England yesterday and asked the local mayor what the three priorities were to revitalise the area. “The first is the hospital”, he said. “It’s there, but there are just not enough doctors and nurses to fully staff it. Andy pulls out his cell phone, talks for a couple of minutes, and then announces: “Done. When I become Prime Minister, a team of doctors and nurses will arrive at the end of the month” “The second is the potholes; they’re everywhere” He picks up the cell phone again, says a couple more words, and announces: “Sorted! When I’m PM, they’ll be filled within a month. “And the third?” He asks. “The third is cell phones,” the mayor replies. “There’s just no signal whatsoever, and nothing works around here.”



Last weekend, I got home from a gig, and the wife wasn’t there; all her stuff was gone, and her wardrobe was empty. Then right in the middle of the TV screen, I spotted a Post-it note. It read as follows: “This isn’t working – Goodbye.” However, when I picked up the remote control and switched the telly on, it was working perfectly; Graham Norton was on, interviewing Madonna. The missus had me worried for a minute or two there. She’s in a bad place right now. Not mentally, just Gorton town centre.


                                                                

Q) What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?

A) A pool table.


                                  

A harridan with a face like a bulldog licking frog spawn from a thistle was in Tesco yesterday morning. She put the divider down for the bloke behind her in the queue. He didn't thank her, so she just picked it up and put it back. Honestly, that level of curmudgeonly, misanthropic pettiness was just awesome to witness.





A Moscow citizen goes to buy a car. He goes through all the endless red tape and bureaucracy, fills out the copious paperwork, and counts out all his rubles to pay for the car in advance. The official stamps his papers and says: "All right. Everything is in order. Come back in exactly ten years to pick up your car." The buyer scratches his head and asks: "Should I come back in the morning or the afternoon?" The official gets annoyed: "It's ten years from now! What difference does it make?" The citizen replies: "Well, the plumber is scheduled to come in the morning."



Here we are, 30-odd years on, and the Spice Girls' music has really stood the test of time. It's still bobbins!



An airline pilot goes to his wife and declares: "All my mates are telling me you are having an affair with an air traffic controller." "No, Roger.", says his wife with a big sigh, "I'm not having an affair with an air traffic controller. If I've told you once, I've told you niner-niner times. Roger. Over."

                                             

Non-Stick Nora has two handsome admirers. One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy. Every day, the doctor gives Nora a red rose. And every day, the deaf bloke gives her an apple.
One day, Nora asks the deaf geezer: "Hey, that doctor friend of mine gives me a red rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give me an apple a day?" And the deaf guy sez: "Eh?”



It was roasting hot last week, and we all should be thankful that it wasn’t snowing. Just imagine trying to shovel snow in that heat!