Elsie, the benevolent barmaid....

                   

Manchester Police are on the hunt for a drag queen who robbed a High Street Jewellery Shop. They have ascertained that he's a local man with a Wigan address.

Non-Stick Nora was eavesdropping on a conversation in The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub between two car mechanics discussing the benefits of swapping over the wheels of a car from left to right. Apparently, this helps reduce the tyre tread wear. Now, Nora herself doesn’t have a car, but she did notice that the heel of her right shoe was wearing out much faster than the heel of her left shoe. Ever since she started wearing her right shoe on her left foot and her left one on her right foot, she’s really noticed her shoes wearing down equally. Nora reckons it’s a real money saver, although it makes sauntering up Scropton Street back snicket a little bit more arduous and attracts much unwanted attention from many amused passers-by.

A clown wanders into The Pitt Bull and Stanley-Knife pub, and his general demeanour really is quite appalling. He asks the barmaid for a beer, but tells her he’s skint and won't be able to pay for it. Elsie, the benevolent barmaid, takes one look at his fizzog and decides he needs it. "Sure, mate. You look awful. Wanna talk about it?" The clown downed the pint and replied: "Gadzooks! Today is the worst day of my entire life. I'm in town for the comedy festival, but my Joke Gopher was stolen, my show was cancelled, my hotel reservation was cancelled because of the show, and my bank accounts have been frozen!" He slumps in his seat and shakes his head. Elsie, the barmaid, pours him another beer. "Wow, that's a really awful day. Pardon my ignorance, but what's a Joke Gopher?" The clown shakes his head again. "Not much these days, or I wouldn't be begging for drinks!" Poor clown. I wouldn’t like to be in his shoes. Altogether, fifty-two clowns attended the festival, and they all arrived in the same car! Apparently, when the clown's wife was in labour, he read her some of his jokes to distract her from the pain of the contractions, but she wasn’t amused. It must’ve been the delivery…

                           

At the comedy festival, there was the annual joke competition, and the prize was £100. The winning gag was submitted by comedian Joe King and went as follows: “Two hunters are out in the jungle, when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other bloke whips out his phone and called the emergency services. He exclaimed: “My friend is dead! What should I do?” The operator replied: “Calm down. I can help. First of all, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence. Then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy sez: “Okay. Now what?”

Fascinating Fact; Dyslexics are teople poo…

Barmy Albert pulled up a stool in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and declared: Non-Stick Nora must love me more than any woman has loved any man on this planet!” Young Willy Eckerslyke asked him: “Whatever makes you say that, Albert?” Albert beamed with pride and announced: “Last week, I had the flu and had to take a few sick days off work. She was so thrilled to have me at home that whenever the milkman called in the morning, she’d sprint down the driveway frantically waving her arms and yelling: “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”



Parting is such sweet sorrow. I am away on holiday for the next fortnight, and this column will reappear sometime in May. You can still have a chortle by visiting my Jokey-Bloggington via my website: Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and exercise your guffaw glands!

                         

  

Trump maintains that intelligence played no role in his decision to start the war....

                                            

I met this gangster in Manchester who had a speech impediment and the unfortunate habit of pulling up the back of folks' undergarments as a practical joke. His name was Wedgie Kway. He couldn’t pronounce his ‘F’s or ‘T’s, so he couldn’t say fairer than that!

The police knocked on Wedgie Kway's door in a dawn raid one morning last week. “Do the letters Z or B mean anything to you?” They asked. “No,” he told them.” “What about G or K then?” “Nope, means nowt to me,” he answered. “How about A and P?” “Look,” Wedgie replied, “Am I suspected of something?” “No, sir.” They said, “These are just our initial enquiries.”

Yesterday, I just popped out to post a padded envelope full of classical music. ...Bach in a Jiffy!

BREAKING NEWS: Trump maintains that intelligence played no role in his decision to start the war.

Unfortunately, the cost of living has finally caught up with me, and I’m going to have to make radical changes I never could have imagined. So, in order to offset the extra costs for food and fuel, I have to make some extra money on the side. I'm now proud to announce that I'm selling adult toys. I hope no one feels embarrassed about asking for them. I have all kinds, sizes, and styles according to your needs. I can send pictures and dimensions, etc. I have everything you need. Zimmer frames -Wheelchairs (Electric or manual) -Oxygen Respirators -Walking canes -Defibrillators- Tena Pads and suppositories plus much more. All delivered discreetly in a brown paper parcel!

   

Fascinating Fact: The human brain is an amazing organ. It keeps on working 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, 52 weeks a year, from when you are born, right up until you vote Labour!

I have been attempting to get rid of all the clutter in the house this week, and flogging stuff off at car boot sales and on the Yorkshire internet auction site ‘Ebay-Gum’ in a desperate attempt to accumulate valuable Wetherspoon tokens. The house looks quite ‘minimalist’ now, primarily coz its empty! Because of this unfortunate farrago, an excuse was urgently required, so I have told everybody that I have suddenly developed a profound interest in the art of feng shui. Feng shui is a discipline with guidelines that are compatible with many techniques of agricultural planning as well as internal furniture arrangements. It's all to do with your Yings and your Yangs, which, to the layman, are positive and negative influences and all that manner of magnetic activity in the ether and beyond. I suppose that you would never consider that a couch potato like me would study an ancient art like Feng-Shui, but dear reader, you would be wrong. If you pop round to my house, you would notice that all the chairs face the telly! My house is also near a pub and a betting shop, so this constitutes perfect harmony. Geomagnetism is a basic component of feng shui. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth, and personal relationships. This is where the pub and the betting shop come in.

                 

  

Stress is such a prolific factor in our lives now that in America (where else?) you can employ a professional worrier. It’s catching on here in the United Kingdom as well. These professional worriers charge five hundred quid per week, and for this exorbitant fee, they will do all your worrying for you, thus leaving you with a totally stress-free environment. I thought that this was such an awesome concept that I have employed three of these so-called professional worriers to come and work for me on a personal basis. Of course, you are probably thinking how I can afford fifteen hundred pounds per week? Well, the simple answer is, I can’t. But I’ll let the worriers worry about that! 

                     

When the Jehovah's Witnesses call....

                                           

Ladies! Listen up! You say that you want to meet a man who’s funny and spontaneous. However, when you rap on their window at midnight wearing a clown costume, suddenly, it’s all screaming and throwing a tantrum and police sirens and restraining orders!

Fascinating Fact: Did you know the first French city to have more than one public toilet was Toulouse...

The good news is that the Americans are going to the moon. The bad news is, there's only room for four of them on the spaceship.

Storm Dave has been re-named after a mistake at the Meteorological Office. It's actually Storm Rodney......

                                                          

TOP TIP: When the Jehovah's Witnesses call, engage them in conversation, but whatever they say, pretend you’re talking to a local councillor and complain about the bins not being emptied, potholes in the road, dog poo on the pavement, and not cutting the grass verges anymore. They’ll think you’re pots for rags and soon have it away on their toes.

I want to advise all my readers that if anyone wants any copies of Osteopath Weekly, I have back issues....

When he made a terrible mistake, or a glaring error, what did the inventor of the drawing board go back to?

With the price of fuel these days, I thought I'd do a runner from the garage. So, I put in £50 worth and drove off without paying. Got caught, though. I'd run out of petrol before I left the forecourt.

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. God greets him warmly and says, "Albert, we are all very impressed with your life's work. As a reward, you can ask me for anything you want to know."
Einstein says, "I spent my entire life trying to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity, but I never succeeded. Please, can you show me the true formula that governs the entire universe?"
"Of course," God smiles, and conjures a chalkboard covered in an incredibly complex equation.
Einstein studies the massive formula intently. Suddenly, he points at a section and gasps, "Wait... there's a mistake right here!" God nods, "I know."



I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his fave holiday was, and he told me: “Has to be Easter, baby…”



As Non-Stick Nora’s son proudly handed her a new grandchild, she asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old kid and a duckling. Somewhat perplexed, he replied: “No. What?” Nora chuckled: “One is a whiny toddler, whereas the other is a tiny waddler!”



Barmy Albert sauntered into The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and shouted: “All Manchester United fans are wankers!” This huge bloke at the bar shouted: “I take offence at that!” Albert asked him, “Are you a Manchester United fan?” He replied: “No! I’m a Wanker!”
                                                     

Barmy Albert was being interviewed for the position of Tripe Gouger at Scropton Street Abbatoir and was asked by the boss: “What’s been your greatest achievement in your current job?” Albert told him that he was responsible for several new guidelines in the employee handbook. The boss says: ”That’s most impressive! What inspired you to create those guidelines?” With all the decorum he could rally, Albert replied: “That’s not what I said….”



Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his doctor, who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly for the first time in a long time. A month later, he was back for a follow-up consultation. The doctor pronounced, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

                                          

The Chester Draws Interview....

                                    

I did a gig at a working men's club last weekend, and I spied a member's notice on the board which read: “Due to cutbacks, to save on postage, membership cards will no longer be posted out to members and can now be collected from the club. We have written to all members to inform them of this.

My photo shows me at Granada TV at The Wheeltappers and Shunters Club, with my old mate, Colin Crompton. I wrote a couple of Concert Secretary jokes for him, and they were: “As regards the sign in the gents, which says ‘Wet Paint.’ This is not an instruction!” “We have been informed that there is £5,000 missing from club funds and we shall have a word with the Treasurer, as soon as he gets back from the Caribbean.”

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were arguing about who should brew the tea every morning. Nora reckoned, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our cup of tea.” Albert maintained that: "You are in charge of catering around here, and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my mug of tea." Nora replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the tea." Albert is perplexed by this and sez, "I can't believe that, show me." So, Nora duly fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament, and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed does say: "HEBREWS"

Today, be the surprise onion ring in somebody's French fries…

Intrepid Investigative Reporter Chester Draws was interviewing local Farmer Chalfont-Giles, and asked him: “How much milk does your cow produce?” The farmer replied: “Which one. The black one or the white one? Interviewer: “The black one.” Farmer: “2 litres per day.” Interviewer: “And the white one?” Farmer: “2 litres per day.” Interviewer: “Where do they sleep?” Farmer: “The black one or the White one?” Interviewer: “The black one.” Farmer: “In the Barn.” Interviewer: “And the white one?” Farmer: “In the Barn.” Interviewer: “Your cows look healthy...What do you feed them?” Farmer: “Which one, the black one or the white one?” Interviewer: “Black one.” Farmer: “Grass.” Interviewer: “And the white one?” Farmer: “Grass.” Interviewer: (Getting really annoyed) “But why do you keep on asking if black one or white one when answers are just the same?” Farmer: “Because the black one is mine.” Interviewer: “And the white one?” Farmer: “It's also mine.”

When he made a terrible mistake, or a glaring error, what did the inventor of the drawing board go back to?

                                                   

  

Yesterday, I received an email trying to sell me an old Chinese boat! I decided to put it straight into the Junk folder!

Chuck Norris sauntered up to the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter announced: “Oh wow, Mr Norris, the big guy wants to see you immediately!” So, he gets escorted into meet God, and without missing a beat, Chuck sez: “Before we get started, I just wanna let you know you’re sitting in my chair.” RIP Chuck Norris.

Fascinating Fact: For every pop band where each artist has slipped off this mortal coil, where all those old TV shows watched whose cast members are no longer among the living, with our neighbours, friends and families that get reduced and dissipate more every single day until only the last remaining member remains… Millions recognise your pilgrimage as being a part of our existence in some small way, until they turn their toes up. The last thing my grandad said to me before he passed away was: “Hey! Stop shaking this ladder!”

                                             

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his mother-in-law?

                                            

NCP didn’t want to go into administration, but unfortunately, the Official Receiver's Office had already issued the ticket. Karma eh!

I just spotted young Willy Eckerslyke going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four-leaf clovers, and rabbit's feet. I thought to myself, "He's really pushing his luck!"

After his haircut is finished, Barmy Albert is asked by the barber: “Hair gel, sir?” He replies, “No, no, don't bother. If I smell like that, Non-Stick Nora will think I've been to visit a massage parlour.” Tommy Grabknuckle sez: “You can go ahead and put some hair gel on me—my missus doesn't know what a massage parlour smells like!”

There’s a new cafeteria opened on Scropton Street, so I thought I’d give it a whirl. I grabbed a table and waited for a waitress. But the only one I can see seemed rather nonchalant and somewhat aloof. When she finally sauntered by, I ask, "Can I have a shufty at the menu, please?" Only then does she look at me with a forlorn frown and exclaims, "That’s a private matter. The men I please are none of your business!" Am I existing in an abstract parallel universe?

Showbiz Gossip: John Travolta claims to have been visited by the ghost of Olivia Newton-John. He said she was singing, "You're the one that I haunt."

Fascinating Fact: With all the current kerfuffle in the Middle East, I was really chuffed yesterday when I got a full tank of petrol for £70. Admittedly, it was for the lawnmower, but hey, ho!

 

Barmy Albert staggers home paralytic drunk once again, from darts and dominoes night at The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and rather than arguing, Non-Stick Nora decides to adopt some reverse psychology on him. She wears a skimpy negligee, sits him in an armchair, and gives him a neck and temple massage. Then, she whispers seductively, “It’s getting late, big boy. Why don’t we both go upstairs to bed?” Barmy Albert slurs: “We might as well, because I’m gonna be in big trouble when I get back home anyway!”

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle was asked: “Do you still call your wife ‘Honey’ or ‘Darling’ at your age, and if you do, then what’s the secret?” Tommy replied: “It’s been many years now. I’ve forgotten her name and I’m too afraid to ask her now!” Well, her name is Elsie Grabknuckle, and she preserves endangered species. You should taste her panda jam. It’s delicious!

I’ve often wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds because they don’t know the words…

The missus isn’t speaking to me because apparently, I ruined her birthday. Quite how she has reached this absurd conclusion is totally beyond my comprehension, primarily because I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

Some visitors at the Manchester Museum were marvelling at the dinosaur bones and asked the guard how old the dinosaur bones were. The guard informed them that they were 72 million, three years and 6 months old. The visitor sez: “That’s an awfully exact number. How can you ascertain their age so precisely?” The guard replied: “Well, the dinosaur bones were 72 million years old when I started working here, and that was three and a half years ago….”

Breaking News: A wedding photographer was tragically crushed by a 300lb wheel of cheese that accidentally fell off the catering truck. Apparently, all the guests tried to warn him.

THURSDAY QUIZ:

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: If they flew over the bay they’d be bagels. (If they nicked your chips, they’d be chip Bagels!)



Q) What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his mother-in-law?

A) Nothing. He was Gladiator…

                                   

One smart fellow, he felt smart....

                           

The first repatriation flight out of Dubai has landed at Luton Airport. “It was the scariest thing I’ve ever been through”, said one passenger who’d never seen Luton before.

I’m really worried about my pet parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on. Oh, how I hate my life." The missus is far too selfish to notice. Plus, she’s always busy sobbing her eyes out.

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has relinquished the lease on East Lodge, in addition to Royal Lodge and North Lodge. Should any more revelations become public, King Charles has promised him Travelodge.

A leg of lamb in Tesco has more security than our borders. Who’d a thowt it?

Barmy Albert visited the barbers. As he’s cutting his hair, the barber asks; “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?” Albert duly shrugged and answered: “She’s fine.” Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?” Now he’s getting annoyed, but he replied: “I’ve told you twice already, she’s okay.” A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, Albert, how is your mother-in-law doing?” He finally snapped: “Dude, I already told you three times—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?” He chuckles and sez: “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”

Fascinating Fact: It took 20 years to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. Just over a week to replace Khamenei with Khamenei. Trump is very efficient

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle attended the hospital, where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back, where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs Grabknuckle is 83 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor calmly continued to scribble on his clipboard, and, without looking up, he exclaimed: "Yes, but does she still have the hiccups?"

                       

  

Non-Stick Nora discovered that there wasn't much in the pantry for dinner, so she decided to improvise. She made a Risotto with mushrooms she found growing in the backyard. Not only was it delicious, but shortly after eating this delicious dish, an Irish male voice choir of purple Elephants showed up and sang every song from Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell album, accompanied by a laser light show. Fascinating!

As I get older, I don't really sleep anymore. It's more of a doze between pee breaks.

Intrepid Investigative Reporter Chester Draws was compiling an article on the bushfires in the High Peak, and the smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good photographic shots. Hence, he frantically called his editor at the newspaper to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at Manchester Airport. As soon as he got to the airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot turned the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said Chester, "and make three or four low-level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said Chester with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause, the pilot replied:  "Wait! You mean you're not the instructor?"    OOOPS!

                             

The One Finger Challenge....

                                                     

Last week, the Iranian Naval Command decided to inspect its fleet. They have hired a glass-bottom boat.

Grateful passengers on the Emirates repatriation flight from Dubai to Manchester last week were so happy to be back that they had a whip-round for the driver.

I did an unusual gig last week. It was a comedy night for deaf folk. The format was that I go onstage, and all my act is translated by a visual sign language interpreter who stands alongside me and virtually delivers my jokes to the audience using hand signs. For the first few minutes, it wasn’t getting much response; however, after about three jokes, they were all chortling their socks off, and I eventually received a standing ovation. After the show, I confided in the interpreter that I was worried at first, but the whole audience broke into howls of laughter after the first few gags. With all the decorum that he could rally, he confessed that because my first three or four jokes died a death, he started doing his own material after that!

                           

  

The atmosphere was most sombre when Non-Stick Nora asked the doctor how the patient was faring. The physician informed her, "Well, he's had a massive heart attack, and also sustained several bone fractures." Nora opined: "Can I talk to him?" The doctor sez: "No, unfortunately, that's not possible right now. But if you want to tell him anything, I can pass it along." Nora replied: "Could you ask him if I passed my driving test?"

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove they are not robots. Who’d a thowt it!

I started whispering at home, and my wife asked why. I told her I didn't want Mark Zuckerberg to hear us. I laughed, my wife laughed, Alexa laughed, and Siri laughed.

                               

  

Many moons ago, when Barmy Albert worked on a farm, his wife got fed up with him and ended the relationship. As a tractor driver, he was most upset when he received a John Deere letter from her. Following an acrimonious divorce, which cost him his house and all his savings, he developed a massive hatred for lawyers. Years later, as a truck driver, he was driving along when he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up. The priest clambered into the passenger seat, and Albert continued driving. Suddenly, he spotted the lawyer who handled his ex-wife's matrimonial affairs jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. "Surely I can't run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!" he thought. Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. Barmy Albert pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard a satisfying "Thud!" "Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?" Albert asked, pretending to wake up suddenly. "No, you missed him," exclaimed the priest. "But don’t worry, I got him with the door."

Apparently, Happy Mondays’ Shaun Ryder thinks the world is a human zoo and that we are taking part in an alien experiment. Look, it could be true. I visited Norfolk last week.

Old age is when your body gives your brain a list of stuff that it’s not prepared to do anymore. However, one must remain positive with regard to this unfortunate situation. Yesterday, I inadvertently fell down the stairs, and instead of becoming frustrated, I said to myself: “Gee Whizz! That’s the fastest I’ve moved in decades!”

                                           

  

Breaking News: A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool. Police said that the road will be closed for about five minutes!

Fascinating Fact: Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Push a man into a volcano and the Sun God will ensure a bountiful harvest this season…
                               

The Singing Window Cleaner...

                                                        

I just had the police knock at my door; they said that they wanted to interview me. I don’t remember applying for a job. They asked where I was between 7 and 11. I told them that I was at Armitage Street Primary School. All this kerfuffle because the wife’s been missing for a fortnight, and the police called this morning, and they’ve told me to expect the worst. So, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back…

To the person who stole my Scalextric. What goes around…

Barmy Albert was in the locker room of his golf club when a mobile phone on the table rang, and Albert engaged the hands-free speaker function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Albert: “Hello.” A woman answers: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” Albert: “Yes.” The woman continues: “I’m at the Trafford Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?” Albert: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.” The woman replies, “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2026 models. I saw one I really liked.” Albert sez: “How much?” The woman sighed and told him: “£95,000.” Albert thinks for a moment and tells her: “Okay, but for that kinda money, I want it with all the bells and whistles.” The mysterious lady carries on: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £450,000.” Albert sniffed and replied: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but you'd better offer £440K.” The woman is ecstatic and exclaims, “Right-Ho, I’ll see you later! I love you to the moon and back!” Albert sez: “Bye-bye, Gawjus. I love you, too.” Albert then hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he chortles and shouts, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle visits the doctor and says "Doctor, you need to help me; my brother thinks he's a chicken". The doctor advised: “Why don't you just have him committed to a lunatic asylum?” Elsie replied, "I would, but I need the eggs."

Does anyone know what tea they drink in Greece and Turkey? Every time I offer to make the missus a coffee, she tells me, “I’d rather have Aegean tea.”#

                                  

To the person who stole my glasses. I have contacts…

Fascinating Fact: I’ve only got two, maybe three good Motown puns left in me. Four tops.

I was asked if I wanted to join a Swingers club. I was a tad apprehensive because I haven’t been on a swing since I was 10 years old. For the last decade, I've definitely been on the slide though, albeit in a roundabout fashion. I spotted two policemen hiding underneath the see-saw. Apparently, they’d been tipped off!

Upon attempting a very complex Heston Blumenthal recipe, I asked the butcher, "Have you got any wild ducks?" "No," he replied, "but I've got one that gets really annoyed when I prod it with a wooden skewer."

Exercise and diet programme all–in-one! Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Hey Presto! - Aerobix!!

There was the most abominable racket outside yesterday. Upon inspection, I discovered that it was the window cleaner jumping up and down in a rage, whilst shouting, ranting and uttering a stream of Elizabethan expletives outside my house. I think he's lost his rag. He’s a singing window cleaner. His name is Chamois Davies Junior.

                                   

  

Chester Draws and the paraffin lamp...

I wager that Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is definitely sweating now! After being arrested on his 66th birthday, he mistakenly assumed that the female police officer was a kissogram! The King has made arrangements for alternative accommodation for him. However, whether Wormwood Scrubs has adequate stable facilities, or they serve a smoked salmon and caviar hors-d'œuvre before one's main course, still remains unanswered. He also needed to know if a butler and valet would be appointed, and if it gets cold, will they put another bar on?
            

So, this unkempt, scruffy bloke saunters into Scropton Street Hardware Shop and asks the proprietor, Chester Draws, for a bottle of methylated spirits. Chester refuses to serve him and tells him in no uncertain terms: “I know your type! You’ll get the meths and take it outside and sit on my doorstep and drink it and make a right mess, and I’m the poor unfortunate mug who has to clean it all up! No. Get out. I’m not serving you!” The unkempt bloke is most upset by this tirade of abuse and tells Chester that he’s been to rehab and received counselling, and he’s on the straight and narrow now. He’s got his own bedsit that he plans to paint and decorate, and he only wants the methylated spirits to clean his brushes. Chester Draws is totally embarrassed by his incandescent outburst; he apologises profusely and gets a bottle of meths and sez to the guy: “I’m truly sorry for my comments. Here you are. That’ll be £2.64 please.” The scruffy geezer gazed at Chester with a saturnine grimace and asked: “Have you not got a cold one?”

"Do you really have to lick the knife?" a woman asked the man standing next to her. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit," he answered, laughing like a drain. "Lots of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes," she replied, "but not during surgery, doctor."

The missus curtly informed me that to have a tranquil home, we have to leave our problems at the door. Now she’s mad at me for locking her out! That’s when the fight started!

At Scropton Street High School, the sarcastic teacher asked the class: “If there are any total morons in the room, please stand up.” After a long pause, young Woody Eckerslyke rose to his feet. “Now then, young Woody. Why do you consider yourself to be a total moron?” With all the decorum that he could rally, Woody replied: “Well, I don’t. But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself!”

Non-Stick Nora was speeding in her little red Ford Focus when a blonde police officer pulled her over on the M67. The efficient policewoman asked Nora for her driving licence. Nora rummaged through her handbag and became quite agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The officer replied: “It’s oblong and has your photograph on it.” Nora discovered a small mirror in her handbag and duly handed it over. “Here it is.” She exclaimed. The blonde officer looked at it the mirror and sez: “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realise you were a police officer…”

                               

 

I very nearly got run over by a council salt-spreading lorry last night. I remonstrated by shouting: “You absolute idiot!” Albeit through gritted teeth.

A bloke who took British Airways to court because they mislaid his luggage has lost his case. Whereas, a neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

In life, there are only two things to worry about: whether you are in fine fettle or you are poorly sick. If you're fit, fine, wonderful & well, then there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If your back legs have gone, there are only two things to worry about: whether you will get better or whether you'll turn your toes up. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about whatsoever. If you're going to snuff it, you have only two things to worry about: whether you go to heaven or whether you go to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you arrive in hell, you'll meet all your mates from The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife there, you'll feel very much at home, so why worry?

                                             

 

Barmy Albert’s Ten-Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House....

                                             

In a nutshell, the 2026 Winter Olympic Games held in Milano Cortina consist of 16 different ways of sliding. Personally, I’d want it all gritting before I went down those perilous slopes.

When I was young, I always reckoned that only wealthy folk owned a Bose music system, whereas we skint members of society had Sony products. I now realise that they were just stereotypes….

My dietician advised me that I’m eating too much junk food, my dentist told me that I’m brushing my teeth incorrectly, and my personal trainer sez that I’m exercising wrong. However, when I went into the wine store to purchase a bottle of fine Argentinian Malbec, the sommelier geezer told me I’d made an excellent choice!

Valentine's Day! Got the missus a new bag and a matching belt. The Vacuum cleaner works fine now. While I’m talking about ladies' handbags, I went to the Trafford Centre and she asked me to hold it while she tried a new gansy on. When this occurs, what do us blokes do? Am I supposed to own it and strike a pose, or hold it at arm's length so everyone knows it’s not mine? Wife: Can you look in my handbag and bring me my purse? Every man ever brings the entire handbag.

Fascinating Fact: In middle age, the growth of a woman's hair on her legs slows down, which allows her more time to care for her newly acquired moustache.



Men often misinterpret exactly what women are endeavouring to convey. Women are very fickle, and us blokes should exercise extreme caution! Now read on: Non-Stick Nora phoned Barmy Albert the other day, and the conversation went thus:

Nora: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”

Albert; “What about it?”

Nora; “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”

Albert: “Right, I’ve done that”

Nora: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”

Albert: “I can see that, yeah.”

Nora: “Just behind him, two gladiators are having a sword fight with each other!”

Albert: “Okay, I see them.”

Nora: “Well, behind them two, on the left-hand side of the screen, a gladiator is guarding the gate holding a spear.”

Albert: “Yes! I can see him!”

Nora: Can you see his feet?

Albert: Yes, I can!

Nora: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”

                           

 



Barmy Albert’s Ten-Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House:

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Always work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. Many fine tools are there, it’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. Moreover, beer is in the fridge!

5. If it's technology or electronic, either get a new one or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple-minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try switching it off, then turning it on again; or merely paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the Apple iPad while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, cursing, splattering, smashing, battering and throwing sometimes
does help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, that's the end of skydiving.

                                       

  

RIP John Virgo...

                                    

Mandelson has let Starmer down; he’s let the Labour Party down, but most of all, he’s let his trousers down. Meanwhile, Starmergeddon continues apace. However, it won’t be for much longer. He’ll be gone by the end of this week.

Young Woody and Willy Eckerslyke have just signed up for a 12-month course on making ladies hats. They reckon that this time next year, they’ll both be milliners.

Whoever named this month February must’ve also had summat to do with the word Wednesday. Maybe their name was Siobhan, and she lived in Cholmondeley or Featherstonehaugh? Moreover, whoever named dentures missed out on an opportunity to call them substhitooths

Breaking News: Yesterday, a security guard tasered a trainee at the Ann Summers branch in Bilbao for sorting the corsets by size. They suspect she was a Basque separatist.

Riddle me this: When will Nigel Farage explain to folk exactly how he’s going to fix Britain whilst employing most of the clowns who broke it in the first place?

I’m starting to think that I’ll never be old enough to know any better…

I had a bloke knock at my door and sez: “I’ve come to tune your piano.” I told him that I’ve never booked him to call. He replied: “I know you haven’t. Your neighbours did!”

I was languishing in my local pub, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when this young lady told me that if I went outside, she’d show me a good time. I followed her outside, and she ran 100 metres in 9.58 seconds!
                              

When men get drunk, they talk rubbish, become really emotional and like to fight for no apparent reason. I really must applaud women and take my hat off to them. They manage to do all that, without drinking!

Barmy Albert and Tommy Grabknuckle were out playing golf. Albert stood over his tee shot for what felt like forever — lining it up, squinting at the distance, licking his finger to check the wind, the full works. Eventually, his mate, old Tommy, snapped, “Oi! Are you playing golf or writing a flaming letter? Hit it!” Albert opined, “Non-Stick Nora is up there watching from the clubhouse. I want this one to be perfect.” Tommy shook his head in disbelief and replied: “Don’t be daft, mate — you’ll never hit her from here.”

When they got home, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert to nip to Tesco. Albert sez: "Sure, what do you need?" Nora declared, "We're all out of canned soup, and I want a cauliflower to go with the roast tonight. Oh, and can you drop into Curry's and confirm the delivery time on the new refrigerator?" "Yes, no problem. Anything else?" "Oh, and I need a reel of knicker elastic for the sewing I was going to do. The supermarket stuff is good enough. And while you're there, I need eggs for baking—oh, Birds Eye frozen peas. I want peas and cauliflower as well. Is all that okay?" "Yes, sure." "And," she added, "you're running low on those minty chlorophyll tablets for your bad breath. You'd better stop by the pharmacy." "Right," Albert replied: "So that's... Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."

Fascinating Fact: If you were born in the 50’s, raised in the 60’s and made it to 2026, then you’ve lived through eight different decades, two centuries, two different millenia and you’re not even 80 yet!

RIP John Virgo. One of our best men. There’ll never be another. Sleep well, my friend, until we meet again.  

                                    

When one door closes....

                                                      

Why don’t they take Trump to Alaska, tell him it’s Greenland and that it’s now part of America? This would save a lot of kerfuffle, and they could even do a ribbon-cutting exercise and give him a little trophy for good measure.

My favourite coat is falling apart, and I'm going to have to throw it out, or sew its seams. It’ll be gone, but knot for cotton.

The wife told me that she’d made the chicken soup, which was a relief, because I thought it was for us. She’s a terrible cook. She uses the smoke alarm as a timer!

My Grandad always told me that when one door closes, another one opens. He was a clever bloke, but a lousy cabinet maker. He passed away on his 90th birthday. We only got up to 62 on the bumps!

Barmy Albert and young Woody Eckerslyke went out to play golf. Albert noticed that Woody only had one ball. “Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" Albert asked. Young Woody replied that he only needed the one. "Are you sure?" Albert persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" Woody sez: “This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it, so I don't need another one." Well," Albert asked, "What happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," Woody replied, "This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" “That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back, no problem." Exasperated, Albert asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," Woody answered, "You see, this ball is luminous. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, Albert asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Woody replies, "I found it."

                         

 

Non-Stick Nora saunters into Scropton Street Shoe Emporium and asks for a pair of alligator shoes. The salesman told her that they would cost over £500! After becoming frustrated with the salesman, she said, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shoe salesman replied with a sly smile, "Well, Nora, why don't you go give it a try?" Nora headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted her standing waist-deep in the murky water, catapult in hand. He saw a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly towards her. With lightning reflexes, Nora took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead alligators, all lying belly up. The salesman watched in amazement as Nora struggled with the beast. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed, “OH NO! – THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT TOO!”

THURSDAY QUIZ: Q) What do you call the preserved remains of a caveman cleaning his teeth?

A) A flossil.

Q) What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

A) Tide.



When I was a little kid, and left the door wide open, my mum used to ask me if I was born in a barn, which is really odd, because you’d think that she would’ve remembered something like that

                                           

.

The Brooklyn Beckham Balderdash Beckons..

                                         

The hound wanted to go out in the early hours, and I couldn’t sleep, so I put on BBC News 24. At that unearthly hour, it becomes the sign zone for deaf folk and features a woman in the right-hand corner of the screen who thinks she can dance. She also rapidly translates the news agenda into Sign Language. Last week, there were horrendous storms in the Lake District, and she had three attempts at Cockermouth before abandoning the process completely.

Fascinating Fact: Many teenagers actually turn into competent drivers. Moreover, if you’re a competent driver, then keep a lookout for turning teenagers!

In my local pub, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife last week, Dastardly Derek, the barkeep, shouted: “Do anyone know CPR?” I yelled back: “I know all those letters!” Everybody laughed, except this one bloke….

Brooklyn Beckham is of the profound opinion that he had it tough growing up. I reckon that we all had it much harder because we had to listen to his mother sing.

                              

As my photograph illustrates, Andy Burnham's leadership challenge was blocked because Starmer could see it coming!

Young Willy Eckerslyke was absolutely paralytic drunk, his shirt was torn, and he had lipstick marks all over his face, as he staggered onto the 237 Bus in Stalybridge and flopped down right next to a priest. He pulls out his iPhone and, after doomscrolling for a few minutes, turns to the priest and sez: “Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?” The priest gazes at him with a saturnine grimace. He sternly replies: “Arthritis, my son comes to those who have strayed from the path of righteousness and who have dalliances with strumpets, harlots and trollops, and abuse alcohol!” Young Willy is astounded by this answer and replies, “Really?” He goes silent and stares thoughtfully through the window. The priest begins to feel guilty about being so harsh with this vulnerable young man and softens his tone. He asked: “Well, alright, my son, how long have you had arthritis?” Young Willy sez; “I don’t have it. I was just reading a news item that says the Pope suffers from arthritis.”
                                   

Life has taught Barmy Albert two important lessons. He doesn’t remember the first one anymore, but the second is: write everything down! 

                                                       

  

I’ve been totally engrossed in a book about Stockholm Syndrome. I must confess that I didn’t like it at first; in fact, I found the prognosis of the malady quite disconcerting. Then all of a sudden, although I think it may have been gradual, I couldn’t put it down. It was the same when I read a book on how to make glue. I couldn’t put that book down either

TOP TIP: Avoid burning your Hawaiian pizza by setting the oven at aloha temperature.

THURSDAY QUIZ: Q) What do you call the preserved remains of a caveman cleaning his teeth?

A) A flossil.

Q) What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

A) Tide.


The missus asked me: “Does this dress make me look fat?” I was most polite and reassured her that it had nothing to do with the dress. She waddled out of the shower yesterday and asked me to close the bedroom curtains so that the neighbours wouldn’t see her naked. I sez: “When they see you, they’ll shut their own curtains!” That’s when the fight started!

Making coffee yesterday morning, and discovered that we had run out of milk. Luckily, our 93-year-old next-door neighbour Agnes had loads of it piled up on her step. Newspapers galore, too!

Non-Stick Nora saunters into Scropton Street Pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some paraquat. The chemist asked her why she wanted paraquat. Nora advised her: “I want to poison my husband, because he’s been unfaithful" The Chemist said, "I can't give you paraquat- it's against the law, and I would lose my licence and get struck off!” Nora reaches into her handbag and produces a photograph of her husband in bed with the chemist's wife. The Chemist replied: "Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

KEN DODD Tattyfilarious!

Standing as the last great titan of the music hall tradition, Ken Dodd believed a comedy show was an endurance test for everyone involved. With his wild hair and legendary "tickling stick," he was a living cartoon who brought a surreal, high-energy frenzy to the stage. Dodd was famous for his five-hour sets, often refusing to let the audience leave until well past midnight, firing off one-liners at a rate that left people physically exhausted. He viewed himself as a "jester" whose sole purpose was to dispense joy.

He created the "Diddymen," mythical creatures from the Liverpool suburb of Knotty Ash, turning a simple neighbourhood into a kingdom of jam butties and treacle mines. This world-building was a form of folk-art, a surrealist escape that appealed to children and adults alike. Dodd was also a record-breaking singer, with his anthem "Happiness" reflecting his unpretentious philosophy that a laugh was the most valuable thing a person could own. Despite a high-profile tax trial—which he brilliantly turned into material—his popularity never wavered, because the public recognised his total dedication.

He kept meticulous notebooks of every gig he ever played, analysing which jokes worked in which towns with the rigor of a scientist. This obsession with the craft meant that he remained a master of timing until his final performances at age 90. Dodd was a bridge to a vanished world of variety, a man who treated every audience like a family gathering. He proved that pure silliness is a timeless virtue and that the best way to spend a night is in a theatre, losing track of time while a man in a red, white, and blue suit tells you jokes.

It's what he would have wanted,,,,

                                       

If any of my readers know someone who can correct botched cosmetic surgery, I’m all ears…

All the pipes at home were frozen solid last week, and we had no water for a couple of days. The domestic supply was the bottled variety, and we conserved it as much as possible. The missus put a note in the bathroom, which read: ‘Save Water! Don’t forget to put in Percy Plug before turning on Tommy Tap. I wrote underneath, “And don’t put too much Sammy Soap on Fanny Flannel!” That’s when the fight started!

The wife (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers party, whatever that is. Apparently, it's just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries. She purchased some really odd items. She bought some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don’t eat her cooking, so I’m not going to eat her vest, am I? She made a rhubarb pie last week, it was two foot long and one inch wide! She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I desired. So, I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went down to Wetherspoons.

There’s a recipe by Mary Berry, and she says that you can use ‘leftover beer’ to make battered chicken wings. What exactly is leftover beer? I was also trying to construct Mary Berry’s Octopus soup. What a flamin’ fiasco! They have suckers on their tentacles, so I couldn’t get it off the tiled Kitchenette floor! It took me two hours to get the little critter in the pan, then when I eventually got it up on the hob, it kept turning the gas off!

                                       

  

I’m uncertain what is more horrifying. What is happening in our world, or the number of folks who are unconcerned with what is happening in our world?

I got a lot of abuse from mourners at my friend's funeral last Friday. He died from drowning, and I took a floral wreath in the shape of a life jacket. Although everyone thought that it was in poor taste, it’s exactly what he would have wanted…

Barmy Albert was in his local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and was stuck on the crossword. Non-Stick Nora asked him what the clue was, and Albert replied: “Comedy actor who sang My Boomerang Won’t Come Back.” Nora sez: “I know this one. It’s Benny Hill.” Dastardly Dennis, the barkeep, advised: “It’s Charlie Drake.” Nora told him: “It couldn’t have been Charlie Drake. She’s the one who does the gardening programme without a bra,” Barmy Albert replied, “No. You’re wrong again. That’s Alan Titmarsh.”

Thursday Quiz: I am the first on earth, the second in heaven. I appear twice in a week, although you can only see me once in a year. What am I?

Liverpool Police pulled over a local Toxteth lad and were flabbergasted to discover that the vehicle was taxed, had a current MOT and was fully and comprehensively insured. The car wasn’t stolen, and no drugs or stolen merchandise were found in a thorough search. The driver was breathalysed and was sober, he possessed a full licence and no points. A police spokesman said: “We had no other option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.”

Fascinating Fact: Koi carp always swim around in groups of four. If a predator attacks them, Koi’s A, B and C scatter quickly, leaving behind the D Koi.

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many, not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. Charles Dickens.