Elsie, the benevolent barmaid....

                   

Manchester Police are on the hunt for a drag queen who robbed a High Street Jewellery Shop. They have ascertained that he's a local man with a Wigan address.

Non-Stick Nora was eavesdropping on a conversation in The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub between two car mechanics discussing the benefits of swapping over the wheels of a car from left to right. Apparently, this helps reduce the tyre tread wear. Now, Nora herself doesn’t have a car, but she did notice that the heel of her right shoe was wearing out much faster than the heel of her left shoe. Ever since she started wearing her right shoe on her left foot and her left one on her right foot, she’s really noticed her shoes wearing down equally. Nora reckons it’s a real money saver, although it makes sauntering up Scropton Street back snicket a little bit more arduous and attracts much unwanted attention from many amused passers-by.

A clown wanders into The Pitt Bull and Stanley-Knife pub, and his general demeanour really is quite appalling. He asks the barmaid for a beer, but tells her he’s skint and won't be able to pay for it. Elsie, the benevolent barmaid, takes one look at his fizzog and decides he needs it. "Sure, mate. You look awful. Wanna talk about it?" The clown downed the pint and replied: "Gadzooks! Today is the worst day of my entire life. I'm in town for the comedy festival, but my Joke Gopher was stolen, my show was cancelled, my hotel reservation was cancelled because of the show, and my bank accounts have been frozen!" He slumps in his seat and shakes his head. Elsie, the barmaid, pours him another beer. "Wow, that's a really awful day. Pardon my ignorance, but what's a Joke Gopher?" The clown shakes his head again. "Not much these days, or I wouldn't be begging for drinks!" Poor clown. I wouldn’t like to be in his shoes. Altogether, fifty-two clowns attended the festival, and they all arrived in the same car! Apparently, when the clown's wife was in labour, he read her some of his jokes to distract her from the pain of the contractions, but she wasn’t amused. It must’ve been the delivery…

                           

At the comedy festival, there was the annual joke competition, and the prize was £100. The winning gag was submitted by comedian Joe King and went as follows: “Two hunters are out in the jungle, when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other bloke whips out his phone and called the emergency services. He exclaimed: “My friend is dead! What should I do?” The operator replied: “Calm down. I can help. First of all, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence. Then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy sez: “Okay. Now what?”

Fascinating Fact; Dyslexics are teople poo…

Barmy Albert pulled up a stool in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and declared: Non-Stick Nora must love me more than any woman has loved any man on this planet!” Young Willy Eckerslyke asked him: “Whatever makes you say that, Albert?” Albert beamed with pride and announced: “Last week, I had the flu and had to take a few sick days off work. She was so thrilled to have me at home that whenever the milkman called in the morning, she’d sprint down the driveway frantically waving her arms and yelling: “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

My photo shows Sir Kier Starmer taking appropriate advice and discussing the security vetting regarding the appointment of Lord Mandelson as US Ambassador. What could possibly go wrong?

                         

Parting is such sweet sorrow. I am away on holiday for the next fortnight, and this column will reappear sometime in May. You can still have a chortle by visiting my Jokey-Bloggington via my website: Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and exercise your guffaw glands!

                         

  

Trump maintains that intelligence played no role in his decision to start the war....

                                            

I met this gangster in Manchester who had a speech impediment and the unfortunate habit of pulling up the back of folks' undergarments as a practical joke. His name was Wedgie Kway. He couldn’t pronounce his ‘F’s or ‘T’s, so he couldn’t say fairer than that!

The police knocked on Wedgie Kway's door in a dawn raid one morning last week. “Do the letters Z or B mean anything to you?” They asked. “No,” he told them.” “What about G or K then?” “Nope, means nowt to me,” he answered. “How about A and P?” “Look,” Wedgie replied, “Am I suspected of something?” “No, sir.” They said, “These are just our initial enquiries.”

Yesterday, I just popped out to post a padded envelope full of classical music. ...Bach in a Jiffy!

BREAKING NEWS: Trump maintains that intelligence played no role in his decision to start the war.

Unfortunately, the cost of living has finally caught up with me, and I’m going to have to make radical changes I never could have imagined. So, in order to offset the extra costs for food and fuel, I have to make some extra money on the side. I'm now proud to announce that I'm selling adult toys. I hope no one feels embarrassed about asking for them. I have all kinds, sizes, and styles according to your needs. I can send pictures and dimensions, etc. I have everything you need. Zimmer frames -Wheelchairs (Electric or manual) -Oxygen Respirators -Walking canes -Defibrillators- Tena Pads and suppositories plus much more. All delivered discreetly in a brown paper parcel!

   

Fascinating Fact: The human brain is an amazing organ. It keeps on working 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, 52 weeks a year, from when you are born, right up until you vote Labour!

I have been attempting to get rid of all the clutter in the house this week, and flogging stuff off at car boot sales and on the Yorkshire internet auction site ‘Ebay-Gum’ in a desperate attempt to accumulate valuable Wetherspoon tokens. The house looks quite ‘minimalist’ now, primarily coz its empty! Because of this unfortunate farrago, an excuse was urgently required, so I have told everybody that I have suddenly developed a profound interest in the art of feng shui. Feng shui is a discipline with guidelines that are compatible with many techniques of agricultural planning as well as internal furniture arrangements. It's all to do with your Yings and your Yangs, which, to the layman, are positive and negative influences and all that manner of magnetic activity in the ether and beyond. I suppose that you would never consider that a couch potato like me would study an ancient art like Feng-Shui, but dear reader, you would be wrong. If you pop round to my house, you would notice that all the chairs face the telly! My house is also near a pub and a betting shop, so this constitutes perfect harmony. Geomagnetism is a basic component of feng shui. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth, and personal relationships. This is where the pub and the betting shop come in.

                 

  

Stress is such a prolific factor in our lives now that in America (where else?) you can employ a professional worrier. It’s catching on here in the United Kingdom as well. These professional worriers charge five hundred quid per week, and for this exorbitant fee, they will do all your worrying for you, thus leaving you with a totally stress-free environment. I thought that this was such an awesome concept that I have employed three of these so-called professional worriers to come and work for me on a personal basis. Of course, you are probably thinking how I can afford fifteen hundred pounds per week? Well, the simple answer is, I can’t. But I’ll let the worriers worry about that! 

                     

When the Jehovah's Witnesses call....

                                           

Ladies! Listen up! You say that you want to meet a man who’s funny and spontaneous. However, when you rap on their window at midnight wearing a clown costume, suddenly, it’s all screaming and throwing a tantrum and police sirens and restraining orders!

Fascinating Fact: Did you know the first French city to have more than one public toilet was Toulouse...

The good news is that the Americans are going to the moon. The bad news is, there's only room for four of them on the spaceship.

Storm Dave has been re-named after a mistake at the Meteorological Office. It's actually Storm Rodney......

                                                          

TOP TIP: When the Jehovah's Witnesses call, engage them in conversation, but whatever they say, pretend you’re talking to a local councillor and complain about the bins not being emptied, potholes in the road, dog poo on the pavement, and not cutting the grass verges anymore. They’ll think you’re pots for rags and soon have it away on their toes.

I want to advise all my readers that if anyone wants any copies of Osteopath Weekly, I have back issues....

When he made a terrible mistake, or a glaring error, what did the inventor of the drawing board go back to?

With the price of fuel these days, I thought I'd do a runner from the garage. So, I put in £50 worth and drove off without paying. Got caught, though. I'd run out of petrol before I left the forecourt.

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. God greets him warmly and says, "Albert, we are all very impressed with your life's work. As a reward, you can ask me for anything you want to know."
Einstein says, "I spent my entire life trying to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity, but I never succeeded. Please, can you show me the true formula that governs the entire universe?"
"Of course," God smiles, and conjures a chalkboard covered in an incredibly complex equation.
Einstein studies the massive formula intently. Suddenly, he points at a section and gasps, "Wait... there's a mistake right here!" God nods, "I know."



I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his fave holiday was, and he told me: “Has to be Easter, baby…”



As Non-Stick Nora’s son proudly handed her a new grandchild, she asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old kid and a duckling. Somewhat perplexed, he replied: “No. What?” Nora chuckled: “One is a whiny toddler, whereas the other is a tiny waddler!”



Barmy Albert sauntered into The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and shouted: “All Manchester United fans are wankers!” This huge bloke at the bar shouted: “I take offence at that!” Albert asked him, “Are you a Manchester United fan?” He replied: “No! I’m a Wanker!”
                                                     

Barmy Albert was being interviewed for the position of Tripe Gouger at Scropton Street Abbatoir and was asked by the boss: “What’s been your greatest achievement in your current job?” Albert told him that he was responsible for several new guidelines in the employee handbook. The boss says: ”That’s most impressive! What inspired you to create those guidelines?” With all the decorum he could rally, Albert replied: “That’s not what I said….”



Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his doctor, who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly for the first time in a long time. A month later, he was back for a follow-up consultation. The doctor pronounced, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"