Trump maintains that intelligence played no role in his decision to start the war....

                                            

I met this gangster in Manchester who had a speech impediment and the unfortunate habit of pulling up the back of folks' undergarments as a practical joke. His name was Wedgie Kway. He couldn’t pronounce his ‘F’s or ‘T’s, so he couldn’t say fairer than that!

The police knocked on Wedgie Kway's door in a dawn raid one morning last week. “Do the letters Z or B mean anything to you?” They asked. “No,” he told them.” “What about G or K then?” “Nope, means nowt to me,” he answered. “How about A and P?” “Look,” Wedgie replied, “Am I suspected of something?” “No, sir.” They said, “These are just our initial enquiries.”

Yesterday, I just popped out to post a padded envelope full of classical music. ...Bach in a Jiffy!

BREAKING NEWS: Trump maintains that intelligence played no role in his decision to start the war.

Unfortunately, the cost of living has finally caught up with me, and I’m going to have to make radical changes I never could have imagined. So, in order to offset the extra costs for food and fuel, I have to make some extra money on the side. I'm now proud to announce that I'm selling adult toys. I hope no one feels embarrassed about asking for them. I have all kinds, sizes, and styles according to your needs. I can send pictures and dimensions, etc. I have everything you need. Zimmer frames -Wheelchairs (Electric or manual) -Oxygen Respirators -Walking canes -Defibrillators- Tena Pads and suppositories plus much more. All delivered discreetly in a brown paper parcel!

   

Fascinating Fact: The human brain is an amazing organ. It keeps on working 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, 52 weeks a year, from when you are born, right up until you vote Labour!

I have been attempting to get rid of all the clutter in the house this week, and flogging stuff off at car boot sales and on the Yorkshire internet auction site ‘Ebay-Gum’ in a desperate attempt to accumulate valuable Wetherspoon tokens. The house looks quite ‘minimalist’ now, primarily coz its empty! Because of this unfortunate farrago, an excuse was urgently required, so I have told everybody that I have suddenly developed a profound interest in the art of feng shui. Feng shui is a discipline with guidelines that are compatible with many techniques of agricultural planning as well as internal furniture arrangements. It's all to do with your Yings and your Yangs, which, to the layman, are positive and negative influences and all that manner of magnetic activity in the ether and beyond. I suppose that you would never consider that a couch potato like me would study an ancient art like Feng-Shui, but dear reader, you would be wrong. If you pop round to my house, you would notice that all the chairs face the telly! My house is also near a pub and a betting shop, so this constitutes perfect harmony. Geomagnetism is a basic component of feng shui. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth, and personal relationships. This is where the pub and the betting shop come in.

                 

  

Stress is such a prolific factor in our lives now that in America (where else?) you can employ a professional worrier. It’s catching on here in the United Kingdom as well. These professional worriers charge five hundred quid per week, and for this exorbitant fee, they will do all your worrying for you, thus leaving you with a totally stress-free environment. I thought that this was such an awesome concept that I have employed three of these so-called professional worriers to come and work for me on a personal basis. Of course, you are probably thinking how I can afford fifteen hundred pounds per week? Well, the simple answer is, I can’t. But I’ll let the worriers worry about that!