The spotty, precocious yoof!

                    

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that Putin is up to summat? Perchance, it might be linked to nuclear waste being accumulated in Korea, or those awful oil fires in Iraq? Either way, Starmer should grasp the nettle and act quickly to resolve this unfortunate farrago. Come on Prime Minister, send David Lammy round with a rake!

Parliament is where an inveterate liar gets up to speak, says nowt, nobody listens and then everybody disagrees. That’s the measure of politicians. It reminds me of the priest who was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was selected to deliver the presentation and give a brief speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to share a few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me he had stolen a car, had thieved money from his parents, embezzled from his place of work, had an affair with his boss’s wife, and taken illegal class A drugs. I was utterly appalled. But as time elapsed, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a community full of upstanding, fine and caring folk". Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech. "I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

I've invented a new range of concrete birdseed. It’s impeccable. I also invented an acid that would burn through anything, but I can’t find nowt to put it in.

                       

I managed to get on Dragon's Den with some of my other brainwaves. Of course, necessity is the mother of invention. When you’re caravanning or camping, then space is at an absolute premium, so I created a folding bottle that I called a ‘Fottle’ and Duncan Bannatyne said it was a rubbish concept. Unfazed, I pressed on, informing him, "Well, I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a ‘Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. Feeling thoroughly dejected, I left the Dragons' Den and I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...

                                                   

Non-Stick Nora phoned BT Directory Enquiries. She sez: “I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Stalybridge, please.” Operator: “'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?” Nora replied: “Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off.”

I had a bad day on Facebook yesterday. I’m still unsure exactly what to comment on a photo of a new baby, but I now know that it isn’t “Yikes!”

Fascinating Fact: A group of wolves is called a "pack". A group of teenagers is called a "whatever."

If, like me, you’ve ever been accused of being raised in a barn and want to talk about it, then remember my door is always open…

There was a spotty precocious youth sprawled on the back pew in the church at a funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that 'funerals were boring' and 'there's no flamin’ Wi Fi in this church', when the priest approached him and proclaimed:" You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"

                                

 

The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh...

                                           

Last weekend, I was in the Tesco car park watching a woman who couldn't remember where she had parked. Every time she held her remote car key in the air, I honked my horn. Later on, I pointed a hairdryer at cars on Scropton Street to see if they slowed down. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

My mobile phone accidentally recorded a ten-minute video of my shoes yesterday. There was some pretty good footage.

Ladies. Listen Up: If perchance l invite you out to dinner, don't bring your bag; I will never let you pay. The important thing is that you start running when I run.

Save money on batteries by only putting them into your clock when you wish to know the time.

If your application to join the French Foreign Legion is turned down, simply join the Royal British Legion instead—less danger, jackpot bingo and cheaper beer.

I was in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub with Barmy Albert , when this gang of Hells Angels Bikers started mouthing off at us! Barmy Albert suggested we should pretend that we're the Police. Not a good idea. We only got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne before they tarred and feathered us!

Fascinating Fact: NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens. They're calling it Apollo G.

I told the missus that our next-door neighbour has sadly passed away. died. She said: "Who? Ray?"
I told her it was far too early to celebrate like that!



Just when I thought that there was no hope left, I remembered the lobsters swimming around in the tank in the restaurant on the Titanic.


                        

Non-Stick Nora was having a problem with her wardrobe door in the main bedroom. It would fall off its hinges whenever the 237 bus went by. She tried to repair it on numerous occasions, but the door would still become unhinged when the bus thundered past. She finally called Chester Draws, the local odd-job man. He turned up the following afternoon and had a shufty at the wardrobe door and could find no problem, then suddenly, the 237 went by and the door mysteriously fell off its hinges. Chester suggested that he step inside the wardrobe and that Nora should shut the door behind him, so that he could ascertain the problem. Meanwhile, Barmy Albert arrived home from work, and as soon as he entered the house, he could hear voices from the bedroom, so he rushed upstairs to investigate. He burst in and demanded to know who Nora was talking to. Before she could explain, he looked in the wardrobe and found Chester inside and asked, “What's he doing in there?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Chester replied: “You’re not going to believe this, but I’m waiting for a bus!”



Top Tip: Keep a forty-year-old refrigerator in the garage so you'll still have one that works when the one you bought this year stops working next year.

                     

                                                      www.UKCabaret.com

Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years. He left us 3 important statements:

(1) Nothing is forever in this world, not even our problems.

(2) I love walking in the rain because no one can see my tears.

(3) The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh.

Life is just a journey! Therefore, live for today! Tomorrow may not be. Now visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington and exercise your guffaw glands!

                   

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince...

                                          

Breaking News: Although Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has relinquished his titles, he’s received two new titles. The first one is that he is to be referred to as: ‘The Artist formerly Known as Prince’, and he’s also the recipient of: ‘The Order of the Boot.’

                                  

Non-Stick Nora inadvertently locked her keys in her Reliant Robin Interceptor at Scropton Street back snicket. She looked around and spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.” So, she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.” Just seconds later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the back snicket. A bearded ruffian in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?” She explained, “Barmy Albert is ill. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?” The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked. Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!" The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft." Nora hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a seasoned professional!"

Last week, two monsters attended a Halloween Party, one monster sez to the other: “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied: “Be a gentleman and roll them back!”

The three most difficult things for a man to say:

1) I was wrong.

2) I need help.

3) One smart fellow, he felt smart, two smart fellows, they both felt smart…

                            

I visited North Wales last week and couldn’t figure out if the road signs that advised “20” were actually miles per hour or the number of Labour voters left in Wales. Methinks the latter option would be the answer. My doctor is Welsh and he has prescribed me Prestatins…

Young Willy Eckerslyke sauntered into the local library and asked the librarian: “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s Dog or Schrodinger’s Cat?” The librarian replied: “ It rings a bell, but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”

The missus phoned me from Aldi and was really annoyed and incandescent with rage about the inept cashier at the checkout. I asked her: “Are you in the self-checkout?” She replied: “Yes, I am. How did you know?”

I’m an international comedian. I’m out of work all over the world. I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician and a Czech one too Czech one too. You’re Russian to get to the bathroom. You’re European when you’re in the bathroom. You’re Finnish when you leave the bathroom. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Abattoir, Barmy Albert’s foreman told him: “ This is the fifth consecutive day in a row that you’re late for work. What conclusions do you reckon I make based on that?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “That today is Friday?”