The Countdown is on!

                                       

The countdown is on! I’ll give you a Christmas tip. Gift wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Every time your kid misbehaves, chuck one on the fire. Do this until you run out of kids.

The wife waited patiently until the dog left the room before she told me what she’d got it for Christmas!

Last Christmas, I bought my daughter Suzie an elephant for her room. She thanked me profusely, but I just said: “Don’t mention it”.

Fascinating Fact: There are 13 minerals essential to human life, and all of them can be found in beer. Coincidence? I think not! Beer. Resistance is futile!

Although they weren’t looking for sympathy. Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora found that November was the hardest month they’d ever had. Albert and Nora have endured one of the most difficult times of their entire relationship. Some days were harder than others, and many tears flowed. Now that they had entered the month of December, some hard decisions had to be made. Something had to change radically. So, it’s with great sadness that Albert announced that, after so many months of struggling and fighting the inevitable, Nora has decided to put the central heating on.

I visited the Gorton Monastery, and as I walked past the cafeteria, I saw a geezer frying chips. I asked him: "Are you the fryer?" He replied: "No. I'm the chipmonk."


                                   

The only cow in Bally Button (A naval base in Northern Ireland) stopped giving milk. Then the townsfolk discovered they could buy a cow in Scotland quite reasonably. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day, and everyone was well chuffed. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to approach the cow, the cow would move away. No matter which way the bull turned, the cow would move away from him, and he was never able to perform the dastardly deed. The people were agitated and decided to go to the very wise Vet, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by any chance purchase this cow in Scotland?" The townsfolk were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland "You are truly a knowledgeable Vet," they said. "But how did you know we got the cow from Scotland?” With all the dignity he could muster, the Vet replied: "My wife is from Scotland."



When I was a kid, my parents would always exclaim: “Excuse my French.” After uttering a swear word, I’ll never forget my first day at school, when the teacher asked me if I knew any French!



Young Woody Eckerslyke is torn between two girlfriends. One makes magnificent pancakes, whereas the other writes beautiful poetry. He’s not sure if he should marry for batter or verse.



I'm a huge fan of the "Sat-Nav Theory" when you miss a turn, your GPS doesn't judge, it just recalculates. No matter how many detours, it finds a way forward. Life is the same. Mistakes don't erase your destination; the route merely changes. So now, I’m lost!