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Sunday, 7 March 2021

The Welsh pandemic new strain gubbins....

 

         


I heard on the grapevine that bloke who’s employed to create artificial crowd noise when Liverpool score at Anfield, has been furloughed for an undisclosed period. Liverpool fans assured everyone that they wouldn’t be in 6th place for very long. They were correct. They’re now in 7th!

 

Hundreds of thousands of mothers were laundering their pyjamas last weekend, in readiness to drop the kids off at school on Monday morning!



I advise everyone to exercise extreme caution when walking past Scropton Street Gas Works, because at approximately midnight on Tuesday, as I was approaching Non-Stick Nora’s hovel (up the back snicket), suddenly, a shady character, clad in a baseball cap, Rugby shirt, golf trousers and football boots emerged from the shadows. I shouted: “Oi! What’s your game?” He then proceeded to pull out a pair of scissors! Luckily, I had enough forethought and I pulled out a rock, because if perchance I’d have pulled out paper, he would have won. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!



I went to the local Co-op yesterday morning, and when I got there, I spied a sign on the door which bore the legend ‘No food or drink allowed inside’. So that was a wasted journey. Call themselves a supermarket!



I never reckoned that I'd be the type of person who would jog 5k every day, before I've had a cup of coffee. It transpires, I was correct!



Professor Chris Whitty, the government soothsayer scientist geezer has announced that reports from around the world are somewhat perturbed and anxious, as the new Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch COVID variant, has been identified in Wales.



I clocked Gok Wan on ITV’s This Morning show and at first glance, I thought it was Ernie Bishop! Did the wrong one get shot in Mike Baldwins factory? Could they by any chance be related? I think we should be told! So many unanswered questions.



Last week, it announced on the ITV news to put subtitles on to encourage your kids to read. I advocated this in this column last July! You heard it first here folks!


                                 



When the government announced that you could get ten years in jail and a hefty fine for lying about lockdown journeys, Dominic Cummings was concerned that it might be backdated.



Innit awful gerrin auld? Remember when you were a mere youth; if you dropped summat, then you’d just pick it up again. Whereas, as you become older, if you drop a certain item, you stare at it for a while and contemplate if you actually need this thing anymore. On the plus side, I put my undercrackers on back to front yesterday morning and they fitted better!



In the halcyon 70’s era, I worked extensively with Hugh Zapritti-Boyden, the renowned budgerigar impersonator, who unfortunately passed away last week with the dreaded Covid. His funeral was attended by a few close friends, after which, we flushed him down the khazi.



For Sale: Crystal ball £40.00 (But you will knock me down to £27.50)



"Siri, why, oh why do I constantly have problems with women"? "My name is Alexa"

 

             




Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

 

Monday, 1 March 2021

Are you guilty?

                              



YES! - EVERYONE IS AN INDIVIDUAL
BUT WE DO HAVE LOTS OF THINGS IN COMMON!
HOW MANY ARE YOU GUILTY OF?
1. Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 lbs of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
2. Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
3. Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
4. Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
5. Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
6. Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
7. Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
8. The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
9. The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
10. “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
11. Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
12. Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
13. Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
14. Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
15. Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
16. Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
17. Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
18. Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
19. Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
20. Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
21. The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
22. Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
23. Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
24. Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
25. “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
26. Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
27. “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
28. Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
29. Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
30. Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
31. Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
32. Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
33. Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
34. The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
35. Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again.


                       



Sunday, 28 February 2021

The Gender Bender Agenda....

 

                                                  



                     
The mighty woke onslaught continues apace! I was astounded to hear that Mr Potato Head has been renamed as Potato Head, in a gender-neutral rebrand by makers Hasbro. The makers may have to change their own name too, because it contains the word ‘bro’. King Edward spuds have been deposed and exiled to a far pavilion. Distant Plantagenet cousin, King Edward is livid and told reporters “If I had a quid for every gender there is nowadays, I’d have £2.”     What kind of a planet do we inhabit, when we have to reassign the gender of a plastic toy spud and why couldn't he simply be given interchangeable bits?


According to the Boris roadmap, we can go for a beer inside the pub on June the 21st. Taking this into account, I sez to the missus, start getting ready and get yourself all dolled up because we’re going out to the finest restaurant and on a big night out in 74 days time! Fast forward to 74 days time: I shout upstairs “Are you ready yet?” She replies: “I told you an hour ago, I’ll be ready in 5 minutes...”

                                       



The Boris roadmap continues: It advises that on 12th April you can have a drink outside the pub, but the pub itself will be empty? Needs more thought this does. It’s on a par with the Scotch egg farrago.



You have to be careful what you say. I told the wife: “You are negative.” She replied: “Really! Well you are arrogant and a total narcissist. You care for nobody but yourself. Furthermore, you’re miserly skinflint that would make Scrooge look like a benevolent philanthropist and you are a fat, ugly wastrel and a total disgrace!” With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez: “I was just letting you know that your Covid test was negative...”

                     

There’s a massive difference between a quiet woman and a silent woman. The first one is a miracle, whereas, the second one is a time bomb! Exercise extreme caution!



The kids are back to school! Teacher sez: Give me a sentence which includes the following words: Defence, defeat, detail. Little Nellie replied: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat goes first and then detail.


                                


When you were a mere youth, if you dropped summat, then you’d just pick it up again. When you get older and you drop summat, you stare at it for a while and contemplate if you actually need this item any more. Innit awful gerrin auld!



Fascinating Fact: I put my undercrackers on back to front yesterday morning and they fit better!



Harry and Meghan have contacted Tottenham Hotspurs F.C in order to ascertain what it’s like to carry on without a title. Last week, they went to see the Oprah. Could this be their swansong?

       



One moment you are 21 years of age, stopping up all night long and boozing with Tommy Cooper in the Broadway Club on Oldham Road, leaving at 6 am and getting just 4 hours kip, but still back in Manchester town centre the following night because you’re appearing at The Long Bar all week and all the other acts congregate there after their respective gigs, so you are burning the midnight oil yet again, but not before sauntering into Chinatown for prawns in garlic and half a crispy duck with pancakes. Suddenly at 60 years old, you’re a trainee corpse, scoffing All-Bran for brekkie and going to bed at 9pm, waking up every three hours for a wee, worrying all night because of all the lockdown problems and you can’t go dog walking coz you pulled a muscle putting on your socks yesterday! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy?

 

                                    



Saturday, 20 February 2021

the Boris roadmap to the third (and 4th!) wave....

                                                  




Professor Chris Whitty, the government scientific soothsayer geezer, has confirmed that medical experts in London were asked if it is time to ease the COVID-19 restrictions on the lockdown gubbins. Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not making any rash decisions. Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve. Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Many Pathologists yelled ‘Over my dead body!’ while Paediatricians said ‘Oh, grow up!’ Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow. Plastic Surgeons opined that that this proposal would ‘put a whole new complexion on the matter’. Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Westminster, whereas, Urologists reckon Boris is taking the piss...



Top Tip: If your Basmati rice is too soggy, then just leave it overnight in a bowl of mobile phones. Sorted innit!

Fascinating Fact: Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hilly areas.

                                   


Whoops! I startled the post lady on Saturday morning when I went to the door completely naked. It's not that I was naked that scared her, more the fact that I knew where she lived!



Shrove Tuesday was a bit of a non-starter. Is it just me or have pancakes tasted awful since Jif changed to Cif? However, on the plus side, I have always reckoned that pancakes do make an excellent ceiling decoration. Moreover, come Ash Wednesday, I decided that I’m giving up Lent for alcohol....

                                                          




Word of the Day is ‘Ultracrepidarian’ (19th century): a presumptuous critic; one who loves to give opinions on matters they know very little about. They must all be Facebook keyboard warriors too!



David received a text from his father. It read thus: ‘Son, allow me to offer my warmest congratulations. I’m certain that you’ll remember today as the happiest day of your life.’

David replied: ‘Thanks Dad. But the weddings tomorrow.’ Dad responded: ‘I know...’



Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora: “I reckon that them there thermos flasks are an incredible invention. For example, if you put summat in a flask that’s hot, it’ll keep it hot and if you put summat in that’s cold, it keeps it cold.” Nora replied: “What’s so special about that then?” Albert sez: “Yeah. But how does it know?”

                                               



I was born a male. I wholly identify as a male. But according to Tesco’s Chocolate Fudge Cake, I’m a family of four.



I called the vet and told him 'The missus is dropping by this afternoon with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?' 'Sure', he said, 'but will your cat find the way back home alone?'



Wow! NASA have landed a Rover on Mars after a 300 million mile voyage. The one I drove in the 80’s barely used to make it to Kwiksave! 


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com