I heard on the grapevine that bloke who’s employed to create artificial crowd noise when Liverpool score at Anfield, has been furloughed for an undisclosed period. Liverpool fans assured everyone that they wouldn’t be in 6th place for very long. They were correct. They’re now in 7th!
Hundreds of thousands of mothers were laundering their pyjamas last weekend, in readiness to drop the kids off at school on Monday morning!
I advise everyone to exercise extreme caution when walking past Scropton Street Gas Works, because at approximately midnight on Tuesday, as I was approaching Non-Stick Nora’s hovel (up the back snicket), suddenly, a shady character, clad in a baseball cap, Rugby shirt, golf trousers and football boots emerged from the shadows. I shouted: “Oi! What’s your game?” He then proceeded to pull out a pair of scissors! Luckily, I had enough forethought and I pulled out a rock, because if perchance I’d have pulled out paper, he would have won. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!
I went to the local Co-op yesterday morning, and when I got there, I spied a sign on the door which bore the legend ‘No food or drink allowed inside’. So that was a wasted journey. Call themselves a supermarket!
I never reckoned that I'd be the type of person who would jog 5k every day, before I've had a cup of coffee. It transpires, I was correct!
Professor Chris Whitty, the government soothsayer scientist geezer has announced that reports from around the world are somewhat perturbed and anxious, as the new Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch COVID variant, has been identified in Wales.
I clocked Gok Wan on ITV’s This Morning show and at first glance, I thought it was Ernie Bishop! Did the wrong one get shot in Mike Baldwins factory? Could they by any chance be related? I think we should be told! So many unanswered questions.
Last week, it announced on the ITV news to put subtitles on to encourage your kids to read. I advocated this in this column last July! You heard it first here folks!
When the government announced that you could get ten years in jail and a hefty fine for lying about lockdown journeys, Dominic Cummings was concerned that it might be backdated.
Innit awful gerrin auld? Remember when you were a mere youth; if you dropped summat, then you’d just pick it up again. Whereas, as you become older, if you drop a certain item, you stare at it for a while and contemplate if you actually need this thing anymore. On the plus side, I put my undercrackers on back to front yesterday morning and they fitted better!
In the halcyon 70’s era, I worked extensively with Hugh Zapritti-Boyden, the renowned budgerigar impersonator, who unfortunately passed away last week with the dreaded Covid. His funeral was attended by a few close friends, after which, we flushed him down the khazi.
For Sale: Crystal ball £40.00 (But you will knock me down to £27.50)
"Siri, why, oh why do I constantly have problems with women"? "My name is Alexa"
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:email@example.com. Now, get back to work!