At the school Nativity, all the kids were singing “We Three Kings of Variant are.” And the Three Kings brought gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Omnicrom. The reindeers were renamed Pfizer and Booster.
Ladies! Listen up! Please refrain from asking Santa for the perfect man. There have been six kidnap attempts on me yesterday alone!
In January 2022, we will enter Tier 12. You must not consume sherry trifle; however you are permitted to scoff a packet of Victory V lozenges. You cannot speak to anyone with any common sense, especially if they have the letters P or H in their name. If you have a hamster named Eric, then you can take it for a walk in between 10-30 am and 12 noon only. We will beat this, but need to stick together and follow the science. 2021. Where did that year go? Probably nowhere, like me!
The French increase UK restrictions on entry from last week. However, you can still leave freely on a dingy to the UK though. So illegal immigration won’t be affected by Omnicrom.
I asked the missus what she’d like for Christmas and she sez: “Channel No 5”, so I’ve retuned the Freeview box. She also told me that I could get her anything from The Body Shop, so I’ve got her a front nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt when she opens it on Christmas morning, it’ll be the wrong colour...
Cabinet Secretary Simon Case has been removed from the inquiry into gatherings in Government departments. Two Christmas parties were held in Mr Case’s own department – the Cabinet Office – in December 2020, this was at a time when restrictions were in place and the public faced challenging measures to prevent social mixing. Why doesn’t Boris get someone like me who is in the entertainment industry to investigate your party, because it’s looking like we are the only ones who didn’t have a party of any description whatsoever! The clue is in the name. Conservative PARTY! North Shropshire has spoken! Taxi for Boris!
Non Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert: "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," Albert chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes convertible sports car over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I've bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour."
Wow! It's been one year today since I decided I would lose four stone in weight, for a number of reasons the year has been difficult, lots of different Covid variants, lack of work, family problems, but I've never lost my resolve and with that mindset, I shall move forward and I only have five more stone to lose. It’s terrible when you get in the bath and the water in the toilet rises!
I’ve committed yet another faux pas! Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn't the best response. Who’d a thowt it!
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle is known as The Binfluencer up Scropton Street, because she’s the one who puts her wheelie bin out first on collection day and the rest of the neighbours follow suit, safe in the knowledge that it’s the correct colour bin!
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