I feel that it my public duty to inform any folk that have been in contact with me in any way over the last seven days that I have had symptoms for a while now and it has just been confirmed. I have been diagnosed with being awesome, hilarious and completely off-the-wall. I'm told there is no cure as of yet for all three together.
A woman at last night’s gig told me that I was uncouth! I sez to her: “If I had a quid for every time that has been said to me, then I’d be considered quite sophisticated.
If any of my readers are unsure and confused with Boris’s Plan B, then this is it, in a nutshell. You must work from home if you can and then pop off to the nightclub with all your pals, after work. Moreover, you must wear a mask at all gatherings of over 500 people in attendance. I further recommend that you wear a blindfold as well to protect you from seeing what is really going on! You can all thank me later, folks.
It’s been widely reported that the Omicron variant has reached New York and if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere! Exercise extreme caution folks, because this virus has taken everything from me. It was just my bad fortune to catch the Liverpool variant.
At Christmas, why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.
Every Christmas we’d run downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as we could! Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best gifts but we would make up later and sit down and have a three hour dinner before watching telly for the rest of the day. I honestly do miss working at the Amazon Prime warehouse.
Barmy Albert took his Scouse neighbours kid to see Father Christmas at the Trafford Shopping Centre yesterday. He told me that it was really disappointing, because he was scruffy and stank of booze and cigarettes. He sez: “God knows what Santa thought of him.”
Meanwhile, at Manchester Airport: The Ryanair check-in lady asked me if anyone who I didn’t know had been anywhere near my case. I told her that I didn’t know anybody that I didn’t know.
Chromosomes explained (in a nutshell): XX is female. XY is male, whereas YYY is Delilah. Don’t admit that you were singing along!
The missus reckons that face masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable, one would only wear them on public and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices!
Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com