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Tuesday 31 July 2012

Olympic Gubbins....





The Olympic Games committee are struggling to convince the Somalian team that sailing and shooting are two entirely separate events...

I sez to the missus, "Have you seen these new Olympic Games condoms? There's gold, silver and bronze!" She sez, "Get some silver ones and try coming second for a change!"



Warwick Hunt, the owner of the restaurant drove up in his brand new Range Rover Evoque and one of the waiters was so mesmerised that he couldn't cease admiring the vehicle. "What a fantastic car," sez the waiter excitedly. "Well," sez the boss, "If you work really hard, be punctual, show due diligence and put double the hours in, then I'll have a Bentley next year."

I attended a wedding at the weekend. I whispered to the bloke next to me, "The brides a bit of an ugly bleeder isn't she?" "Do you mind, That's my daughter you're talking about!" "I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know you were her father..." I replied. "I'm not!" "I'm her mother you cheeky sod!"....

Fascinating Fact No 1: Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...

The sprog Susannah asked if we could go to McDonald's Restaurant. I informed her that I would take her to McDonald's Restaurant if she could spell it. She thought for a moment and replied, "Let's go to KFC then!"
 
She's single. Lives right across our street. I watched as she got home from work yesterday evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on MY door... I rushed to open it.  She gazed at ...me with eyes like burning embers, and sez, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?” I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!” Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you mind my dog?"
 
The missus just phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything?" "It depends" I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said,   "I walked here," "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons please."

Fascinating Fact No 2:  Did you know that Las Vegas and Wigan are the only two places on Earth where you can pay for sex in return for chips...

I've installed strobe lights in the bedroom. The missus looks like she's moving now during sex.  I left her breathless in bed last night.  I hid her inhaler!

I've been working on a voluntary basis for The Samaritans but didn't feel like going in today. I phoned in sick and they talked me out of it....


Back onboard the magnificent vessel that is Carnival Breeze today. Fly to Naples, then get off at Venice in a few days. Lots of muggers and pickpockets in Venice. It's not safe to swim the streets!  With the recession, Tenerife is now Fiverife and the capital of Greece is 8 quid....   Take a virtual tour!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsK4l2rKqTM
 

Monday 23 July 2012

Shifty Faves?

She's knackered the strimmer!!

WARNING!   If you receive an email attachment saying, 'This contains a naked photograph of Susan Boyle.'   Do not open it!  It contains a naked photgraph of Susan Boyle. 

G4S OLYMPIC SECURITY LATEST!!!

                                              G4S New management team announced today.

Thursday 5 July 2012

Wimbledon, Barclays, the weather and me!!!

                                                              You couldn't make it up!!!

It's my birthday today.  I was considering having a tattoo. I decided against it, primarily because I only have a small garden and thought that the neighbours would complain about the bagpipes.

Following on from Andy Murray's defeat yesterday, the missus sez, " I wish you were more like him".   "How do you mean?" , I replied, " By crying and being a lot more more emotional?"   "No", She said. "Try and come second"....

Seriously though, millions of our Caledonian neighbours will wake up today with massive hangovers and feeling badly let down.  So, no change there then!


When I got home late last night from a gig, the missus had left a note on the fridge. 'Going to stay at my mothers - it's not working'. I got a can of beer out of the fridge and it was chilled to perfection. Stoopid woman...


Breaking News: Fire crews are tackling a massive blaze at Robin Van Persies house. Police suspect it may be Arsene.

Fascinating Fact; Las Vegas and Wigan are the only two places on Earth where you can pay for sex in return for chips.


I've installed strobe lights in the bedroom. The missus looks like she's moving now during sex.

I've been working on a voluntary basis for The Samaritans but didn't feel like going in today. I phoned in sick and they talked me out of it.


And finally, the weather...


I cannot comprehend why folk are stressing about the July weather.  Tempestuous rain and thunderstorms, where we are getting a months rain in just one day. Would these people prefer a months sunshine in one day?   We already have that. Its called The Great British Summer time, innit.



Things to do during a thunderstorm...





Why do folk say ‘sound as a pound?’ The pound is far from sound at the moment. You don't see Italians going around saying 'Securo as a Euro', do you? But you can do a hokey-cokey with the jokey-oke from my Jokey-Blog. Just click on: http://www.comedianuk.com/   Roll on Autumn! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com



                                                      

Wednesday 4 July 2012

Carnival Breeze. A magnificent vessel....

Shows going really well on Carnival Breeze.  I'm working in the Punchliner Comedy Club with George Lopez to an all-American audience, until October.  Absolutely superb!  Here are a few pics taken in Rome on July 1st 2012.  Tom Pepper is my co-star and we are both doing an absolute storm!! 



There are approx 4,000 passengers onboard and the facilities are a sight to behold!|  Look at the waterpark on Deck 10....













Football pitch on the other end of DECK 10 (BLUNT END) of the vessel....