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Saturday, 24 April 2021

What did the Romans ever do for us?

 

                                 





I was up Scropton Street shivering in the freezing cold beer garden of my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when the barman asked me: "What would you like?" "What would I like?" I informed him: "An end to all this lockdown, quarantine, social distancing, mask wearing gubbins, maybe a magical cure for Covid that would eradicate the virus globally. Perhaps, a holiday abroad or my work as a comedian returning to normal or a missus that doesn’t nag as much." "No!" exclaimed the barman patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery or for my mother-in-law to relocate to a far pavilion?" "What's it to be?" says the barman, now displaying less patience. "For all the debt I’ve accrued during the pandemic to just disappear into the ether" "You misinterpret what I am saying;" sez the barman, now getting annoyed, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," I exclaimed, “I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," sez the barman. "I had a full Covid test last week, it was negative and I’ve also had my second Astra Zeneca vaccine jab."


Lads! Listen up! Are you struggling to get your wife’s attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.



I never realised how anti-social I was, until there was a pandemic and my life didn’t change one jot or scintilla whatsoever!



The memsaab asked me if I had seen the dogs bowl. I replied, "I didn't know they could!”

                                                         



Moreover, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert: “If they have a referee in football and an umpire in cricket, then what do they have in bowls?” Albert thought for a minute and replied: “Goldfish?”



David Beckham's son arrived for training and asked the coach "What number shirt shall I wear?" The coach replied "Wear four out there, Romeo." Apologies to The Bard.



Hotel guest calls the reception desk and the clerk answers "May I help you?" The bloke shouts: "Yes, I'm in room 242. You need to send someone up immediately. I'm having an argument with the missus and she sez she's gonna jump out the window." The receptionist replied: "I'm terribly sorry sir, but that's a personal issue." The man replies "Listen, I can’t get the window open and that's surely a maintenance issue!"



It’s very sad to see Eamonn Holmes on a TV advert declaring he’s having to release a tax- free lump sum from his home. You’d have thought he would have put a few shillings to one side after being on prime time telly for forty odd years. Who’d a thowt it?

                                  



I got stopped up Scropton Street by a lady conducting a survey. "What do you know about The Borrowers?" she asked. "Very little" I replied.

                                         

There’s a recipe by Mary Berry and she sez that you can use ‘leftover beer’ to make battered chicken wings. What exactly is leftover beer? I was also trying to construct Mary Berry’s Octopus soup. What a flamin’ fiasco! It took me two hours to get the little critter in the pan, then when I eventually got it up on the hob, it kept turning the gas off!

 

 

Hey, listen up! Do I need psychiatric assistance! Nope. I am perfectly okay in this nice white jacket that lets me hug myself. Although some days, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps! You’d be daft not to visit my website though. Just clickety-click on: http://www.comedian.ws and strike the pose! Email me on comedianuk@sky.com . Now, get back to work! The summer is a-comin’!! 

                          



                       

Saturday, 17 April 2021

๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ Summertime, and the lockdown is easing.... ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ

 

                         




On Monday the 12th of April, although it was Baltic conditions and so cold that I had to wear two pairs of bootlaces; I decided to visit my local, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife public house, in order to take full advantage of the easing of lockdown farrago. Imagine my surprise, when the Ethel the barmaid asked me to download the NHS Covid app, before I could be admitted to the outside beer garden, via the empty pub. When I got outside (from being already outside!) it was so cold that I deleted the NHS Covid app and installed the NHS Hypothermia app. I answered all the questions and I got a positive test! I actually had hypothermia! I was frozen solid, so went home for a warm, where I received a frosty reception from the missus.



This time last year, I wrote in this column: “Just had a great idea! If the lockdown continues until December then we could have 6 foot long Christmas crackers!” I’m now wondering if it will continue until Christmas 2021?



Thursday Thought: I’m not an enthusiastic devotee of litotes, but I do reckon that hyperbole is the finest thing in the whole universe.



Some really amusing oxymoron’s are: Fun run, found missing, open secret, small crowd, act naturally, fully empty, pretty ugly, original copy, only choice, liquid gas. However, the best of the crop must be either: Social distancing or comedian Paddy McGuinness.

                                             



Yet another lockdown argument between me and the missus ensued yesterday. She told me that now all the non-essential shops are back open and she had a bag full of used clothes to donate to the charity outlet. I advised her to just take it to the tip, because that’d be a lot easier. She opined: “But there are poor, starving folk who could really use all these clothes.” When I replied: “Anyone who can fit into your clothes, certainly isn’t starving.” That’s when the fight started!



The missus reckoned that to alleviate the lockdown monotony, I should go into the garden and make a bird table, which I dutifully did. However, she went absolutely ballistic when I put her in fifth place. There’s no pleasing some folk.

                                                  



Top tip: Never do anything that you’d be ashamed to tell a paramedic...



Non-Stick Nora made Barmy Albert a tongue sandwich. He complained that he was unable to consume anything that came from an animal’s mouth. So Nora gave him a boiled egg.



Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. However, a wider window of opportunity can be obtained during Easter and Bank Holiday Monday on any year.

                                               


A helium atom walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases here." The atom didn't react. He wasn’t wearing a mask and hadn’t downloaded the NHS Covid app.



Another Covid side-effect is malady is paranoid amnesia. You can't remember who you don't trust...



If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed us humans picking up dog poo, then who would they think are the dominant species? 



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer faรงade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
                                                     




Saturday, 10 April 2021

Deaf offer salesman.....

                                           





My father was a door-to-door salesman who sold doors. Of course, when he knocked on someone’s door to try & sell ‘em a door, it was painfully obvious that they already had one. It was an fruitless occupation. He then left that job and went to work for a company that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs. Well I think he did because that’s all he ever brought home. He only ever hit me once, but I’ll never forget it. He was in a Ford Cortina.



My grandfather would constantly offer me sound advice. He would say: “Always buy Bang & Olufsen speakers.” During the war, he was constantly on the lookout for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Dortmund swimming baths. We were terribly upset when he had to go into a nursing home. I phoned to check on his wellbeing and the matron informed me that he’d sadly passed away that very morning at breakfast time. I asked her what he’d had for his final breakfast and she sez: “Cheerios...”



It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day like today, that you realise how many of them just suddenly burst into flames….



Had one of those scam phone calls, yesterday. The voice told me that he was from The Official Receivers Office. I sez “Are you winding me up?”



I asked the missus, "What is your esteemed opinion on the present state of English football?" "It's bobbins," she replied. "Absolute rubbish." "More than likely," I sez, "but let's hear it anyway....."



I got home really late last night from the freezing cold beer garden at the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one's feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub beer garden to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”

                                                      



A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't." 



If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com