My father was a door-to-door salesman who sold doors. Of course, when he knocked on someone’s door to try & sell ‘em a door, it was painfully obvious that they already had one. It was an fruitless occupation. He then left that job and went to work for a company that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs. Well I think he did because that’s all he ever brought home. He only ever hit me once, but I’ll never forget it. He was in a Ford Cortina.
My grandfather would constantly offer me sound advice. He would say: “Always buy Bang & Olufsen speakers.” During the war, he was constantly on the lookout for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Dortmund swimming baths. We were terribly upset when he had to go into a nursing home. I phoned to check on his wellbeing and the matron informed me that he’d sadly passed away that very morning at breakfast time. I asked her what he’d had for his final breakfast and she sez: “Cheerios...”
It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day like today, that you realise how many of them just suddenly burst into flames….
Had one of those scam phone calls, yesterday. The voice told me that he was from The Official Receivers Office. I sez “Are you winding me up?”
I asked the missus, "What is your esteemed opinion on the present state of English football?" "It's bobbins," she replied. "Absolute rubbish." "More than likely," I sez, "but let's hear it anyway....."
I got home really late last night from the freezing cold beer garden at the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one's feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub beer garden to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."
If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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