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Sunday, 23 May 2021

The Scottish Variant!

                         




Breaking: When a Ryanair flight was forced to land in Belarus and a journalist was arrested and forced off the plane in handcuffs, all the other passengers demanded an upgrade...

Next month on June the 21st should see the end of lockdown in the UK, unless Boris backtracks yet again. Incidentally, June 21 is the 172nd day of the year in the Gregorian calendar; If you don’t believe me, ask Greg or Ian.



Boris has said that although it’s okay to go abroad on holiday, you should stay here. The pubs are all now open, but it’s advisable that you remain at home and have a Scotch egg.



Planning a trip somewhere interesting in the UK? There’s a place in Alnwick, Northumberland called The Poison Garden. It the most dangerous garden in the world and contains over 100 species of deadly plants, such as strychnine, hemlock and nightshade. I’m wondering if they have a gift shop because the wife’s birthday is coming up....



It is indeed a first for everyone on the planet. There’s never been a global pandemic of such immense proportions as the Covid-19 farrago, it is unprecedented. We will always remember where we were on 23rd of March 2020 and it will be a milestone in all our lives. Read below for more ‘firsts’....

                                   




I was at Seymour Phunbumps Lap-Dancing Emporium and pandemonium ensued when somebody sneezed and the venue was immediately put on total lockdown! I had no option but to voluntarily quarantine myself for two weeks, with all these nubile, voluptuous, scantily clad young women, in order to prevent the spreading of this malicious COVID-19 malady. I texted the missus: ‘I am under coronaviral quarantine. If I’m not back home in a fortnight, then read this text again...’



I remember the first time I went to the pub with my dad. He asked me what I wanted to drink and I said:”A diet Coke, please dad.” He shouted: “You’re not having a girls drink on your first time in a pub!” I replied: “ Okay. I’ll have whatever you’re having.” He gazed at me with pride and sez to the barman: “Two normal Cokes, please.” Who’d a thowt it?



I clearly recollect my first ever girlfriend. I knew I’d scored, because her name was Annette! I took her back to my house and after many awkward attempts at cuddling, she opined: “You’ve never removed a girl’s bra before, have you?” Totally embarrassed, I asked her whatever gave her that impression and she replied: “The scissors...”
                                       





Talk about folk not observing social distancing. I was sat in the park on a bench, when this bloke just appeared and sat right next to me! I didn’t acknowledge him and carried on looking forward and whispered “Did you bring the money?”



Generally, I don’t have to bother about social distancing, because as soon as other folk see me, they cross over the road or disappear down some back ginnel. In retrospect, it was like that before the pandemic, so nothing has changed!


                           







Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                    


Saturday, 15 May 2021

The Indian Variant is named Vindaflu!

 

      






Boris has admitted that the 21st of June easing might be disrupted by the Indian variant (known as Vindaflu) as hospital admissions in the North-West include a Bolton family with one man in a Korma and his Naan who is Sikh with a dodgy Tikka.






Now that we can all go inside the pub, Barmy Albert was meeting Dastardly Derek at Grab-A-Granny night up the Pit Bull and Stanley Knife and as he entered the venue, he noticed two old ladies looking at him. "Nine." he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to Derek and told him an octogenarian woman had just rated him a nine! "I don't want to burst your bubble," Derek replied, "But before you came in, they were both speaking German.”



Could all my readers who signed up for my yodelling lesson classes, please form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.....



Top Tip: Any parents out there with a child called George, buy their school uniforms in ASDA It’ll save you time having to write their names on all the labels. We did the same for our youngest daughter Primark. Her mother is called Viv and she works at ALDI, we call her Vivaldi! Furthermore, Selfridges do NOT sell fridges.

                               



Although working from home has become the norm for most folks, Tommy Grabknuckle had occasion to go into the office for an important seminar. Because it was Bank Holiday, employees were encouraged to take their kids in with them. His 8 year old daughter accompanied him and was sauntering around the office; she started sobbing uncontrollably and became quite cranky. As Tommy attempted to console the child, he asked her what was wrong, as all the rest of the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?” Kids eh!

                                                     



I once thought that I was a male trapped in a woman’s body, but after I was born that feeling went away...



When Elsie Grabknuckle sadly passed away of old age, (complicated by Covid) because she was a deeply religious woman, her son Tommy asked the monumental mason to carve ‘She Was Thine’ on her tombstone. Tommy was most annoyed when he visited the grave shortly after the funeral, only to find that it was inscribed ‘She Was Thin’. He phoned the mason up and told him to rectify the error forthwith. The mason asked what the problem was and Tommy screamed: “You’ve left the letter ‘E’ off the end, you idiot!” Tommy revisited the cemetery the following day and the stone was duly altered. It now bore the legend ‘E, She Was Thin’....



Today is my daughter Emma Jayne’s birthday. I fondly recollect when she was about 12 years old and she asked me: “Can we go to McDonalds Restaurant daddy?” I told her we could go, but only if she could spell it. She thought for a moment and replied:”Let's go KFC then!”

                                       



Kids are incredible thinkers. When she was about 9 years old, as we were sauntering down the road, she peered at a panel of waney-lap fencing and asked me: “Daddy, what are those holes in the fence?” I sez: “They’re knot-holes.” She replied: “Well if they’re not holes, then what are they?” 



This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                                        



Sunday, 9 May 2021

Sauntering down Chestnut Boulevarde....

 

                                                   




Next Monday, the 17th of May, we now stagger to the next step of the Boris roadmap out of lockdown. Rules have now changed slightly. Boris has shown us that he doesn’t need a compass to see which way the wind shines.

You should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get disinfected so it’s important we get disinfected and some don’t get disinfected. Moreover, you can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music and you can now hug them.

Government grants will ensure that no business will go bankrupt due to Covid except those businesses that will go insolvent, due to Corona virus.



Furthermore, animals are not affected, but there was still a cat that tested positive in Belgium last February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there. Always stay two metres away from any tigers or lions.
                                           





Sharon came home in tears and informed her mother she was pregnant. Her mum asked her: “Who is the father?” Sharon replied: “Dunno. He was wearing a mask!”



Which reminds me of the young lad who came home to the council estate in Wythenshawe and declared to his dad that he’d met a wonderful girl, fallen madly in love with her and intended to get married. His dad asked the lad: “What’s the lucky girls name?” The lad replied: “Pauline Anderson.” His dad sez: “Her mother isn’t called Sylvia is she?” The lad replied: “Yes, dad. How did you know that?” His father opined: “I’ve got some bad news son, before I met your mother, I went out with Sylvia for a long time and the chance of this girl being your sister is quite high!” The poor boy was emotionally distraught and took to his bedroom in a flood of tears. When his mother came home from work, she saw how upset he was and asked him what the problem was. It was then that the young lad told her the whole sordid tale. She sez: “Don’t take any notice of him. He’s not your father!”



This Covid outbreak must be really serious in India. I’ve not had any scam phone calls asking me if I’d had an accident at work recently for a whole month! Considering that I’ve not worked for the last 18 months!

                        



The missus informed me that: “I saw a Golden Eagle on the way to work this morning.”   I sez: “How do you know it was on its way to work?” She does tend to talk in riddles and conundrums. She was in the kitchenette last night and asked: “Do you want chicken, beef or lamb?” I shouted: “I quite fancy lamb.” She replied: “I’m talking to the dogs. You’re having a bowl of soup!”



Over the pandemical period, granddad had to be admitted into a nursing home. I phoned last week to check on his wellbeing, as no visitors are currently allowed. The matron informed me that, unfortunately granddad sadly passed away that very morning at breakfast time. I asked her what he had for his final breakfast and she told me: “Cheerios.” 



Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!