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Saturday 15 May 2021

The Indian Variant is named Vindaflu!



Boris has admitted that the 21st of June easing might be disrupted by the Indian variant (known as Vindaflu) as hospital admissions in the North-West include a Bolton family with one man in a Korma and his Naan who is Sikh with a dodgy Tikka.

Now that we can all go inside the pub, Barmy Albert was meeting Dastardly Derek at Grab-A-Granny night up the Pit Bull and Stanley Knife and as he entered the venue, he noticed two old ladies looking at him. "Nine." he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to Derek and told him an octogenarian woman had just rated him a nine! "I don't want to burst your bubble," Derek replied, "But before you came in, they were both speaking German.”

Could all my readers who signed up for my yodelling lesson classes, please form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.....

Top Tip: Any parents out there with a child called George, buy their school uniforms in ASDA It’ll save you time having to write their names on all the labels. We did the same for our youngest daughter Primark. Her mother is called Viv and she works at ALDI, we call her Vivaldi! Furthermore, Selfridges do NOT sell fridges.


Although working from home has become the norm for most folks, Tommy Grabknuckle had occasion to go into the office for an important seminar. Because it was Bank Holiday, employees were encouraged to take their kids in with them. His 8 year old daughter accompanied him and was sauntering around the office; she started sobbing uncontrollably and became quite cranky. As Tommy attempted to console the child, he asked her what was wrong, as all the rest of the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?” Kids eh!


I once thought that I was a male trapped in a woman’s body, but after I was born that feeling went away...

When Elsie Grabknuckle sadly passed away of old age, (complicated by Covid) because she was a deeply religious woman, her son Tommy asked the monumental mason to carve ‘She Was Thine’ on her tombstone. Tommy was most annoyed when he visited the grave shortly after the funeral, only to find that it was inscribed ‘She Was Thin’. He phoned the mason up and told him to rectify the error forthwith. The mason asked what the problem was and Tommy screamed: “You’ve left the letter ‘E’ off the end, you idiot!” Tommy revisited the cemetery the following day and the stone was duly altered. It now bore the legend ‘E, She Was Thin’....

Today is my daughter Emma Jayne’s birthday. I fondly recollect when she was about 12 years old and she asked me: “Can we go to McDonalds Restaurant daddy?” I told her we could go, but only if she could spell it. She thought for a moment and replied:”Let's go KFC then!”


Kids are incredible thinkers. When she was about 9 years old, as we were sauntering down the road, she peered at a panel of waney-lap fencing and asked me: “Daddy, what are those holes in the fence?” I sez: “They’re knot-holes.” She replied: “Well if they’re not holes, then what are they?” 

This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on You can also email me: Now, get back to work!


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