Search This Blog

Sunday 23 May 2021

The Scottish Variant!


Breaking: When a Ryanair flight was forced to land in Belarus and a journalist was arrested and forced off the plane in handcuffs, all the other passengers demanded an upgrade...

Next month on June the 21st should see the end of lockdown in the UK, unless Boris backtracks yet again. Incidentally, June 21 is the 172nd day of the year in the Gregorian calendar; If you don’t believe me, ask Greg or Ian.

Boris has said that although it’s okay to go abroad on holiday, you should stay here. The pubs are all now open, but it’s advisable that you remain at home and have a Scotch egg.

Planning a trip somewhere interesting in the UK? There’s a place in Alnwick, Northumberland called The Poison Garden. It the most dangerous garden in the world and contains over 100 species of deadly plants, such as strychnine, hemlock and nightshade. I’m wondering if they have a gift shop because the wife’s birthday is coming up....

It is indeed a first for everyone on the planet. There’s never been a global pandemic of such immense proportions as the Covid-19 farrago, it is unprecedented. We will always remember where we were on 23rd of March 2020 and it will be a milestone in all our lives. Read below for more ‘firsts’....


I was at Seymour Phunbumps Lap-Dancing Emporium and pandemonium ensued when somebody sneezed and the venue was immediately put on total lockdown! I had no option but to voluntarily quarantine myself for two weeks, with all these nubile, voluptuous, scantily clad young women, in order to prevent the spreading of this malicious COVID-19 malady. I texted the missus: ‘I am under coronaviral quarantine. If I’m not back home in a fortnight, then read this text again...’

I remember the first time I went to the pub with my dad. He asked me what I wanted to drink and I said:”A diet Coke, please dad.” He shouted: “You’re not having a girls drink on your first time in a pub!” I replied: “ Okay. I’ll have whatever you’re having.” He gazed at me with pride and sez to the barman: “Two normal Cokes, please.” Who’d a thowt it?

I clearly recollect my first ever girlfriend. I knew I’d scored, because her name was Annette! I took her back to my house and after many awkward attempts at cuddling, she opined: “You’ve never removed a girl’s bra before, have you?” Totally embarrassed, I asked her whatever gave her that impression and she replied: “The scissors...”

Talk about folk not observing social distancing. I was sat in the park on a bench, when this bloke just appeared and sat right next to me! I didn’t acknowledge him and carried on looking forward and whispered “Did you bring the money?”

Generally, I don’t have to bother about social distancing, because as soon as other folk see me, they cross over the road or disappear down some back ginnel. In retrospect, it was like that before the pandemic, so nothing has changed!


Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: or email me:


No comments:

Post a Comment