Search This Blog

Tuesday 1 June 2021

The Portugese Variant....



Breaking: Worrying number of people with the Portuguese variant coming through Manchester Airport. Symptoms to look out for : Blue nose and a face like a slapped derriere.

Dominic Cummings reckons that Matt Hancock has made between 15 and 20 mistakes during the pandemic and that he has many faults. Hancock should come clean and admit it. If I had any faults I would admit it. Luckily, I don’t have any.

I was in B & Q. I sez “I want to buy some nails.” He replied “Do you want round heads or oval heads?” I sez “Round heads.” He asked “How long do you want them?” I sez: “I want to keep them....”

Up Scropton Street, where I am domiciled, the walls are very thin and I can hear everything the young couple say next door. Last night, he said to her: “Your eyes are so beautiful, they should be gilded. Your nose is so beautiful, it should be gilded. Your mouth is so beautiful, it should be gilded.” I sauntered round and knocked on the door. He asked me: “Who are you?” I sez: “I’m a gilder...”

People from the Netherlands are Dutch, but are native to Holland. They don't speak Hollandish or Netherese. It's all double Dutch to me. Non Stick Nora isn’t a Duchess, but she has got a face like a Norse. Moreover, I've just been reading that, by law, you have to have your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. This has got me thinking. "Who the hell is going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?" Or was it Swindon? I’m not sure now, but it is raining, so it is. Furthermore, if you have just handled a Swedish bank note, could you contract the Krona virus? It’s all so confusing!


In order to raise much needed funds, the British Eczema Association have launched a scratch card. I’m itching to buy one, but don’t want to make a rash decision.

I came home yesterday, only to find the missus stood in the garden while the fire brigade extinguished the flames in our kitchenette. I sez to the wife, "Why on earth didn't you phone me?" "What could you have done?" she opined. I replied, "Well, I could have gone to Wetherspoons and got summat to eat there." That’s when the fight started!

Thought for Thursday: When you swim up a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...

I read an article about using vodka for cleaning around the house and it worked a treat! The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked. Try it folks!

Yesterday, I had a day out and went to visit the Air and Space Museum. There was nothing there! It was just all air and space. It was so disappointing. Then to compound an already unfortunate farrago, I ventured to the zoo. There was nothing there, except for one mangy dog. It was a Shih Tzu. I’ve decided that I’m staying in today. Quarantine isn’t so bad after all... 

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email





No comments:

Post a Comment