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Thursday 30 May 2019

The Visit....

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the Scropton Street Medical Centre doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old bloke was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?' "I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fella: "and that is why I am in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee tot of whisky, and that's it." "Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who said my Dad died?" The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?" "He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin’, and then we went to a topless beach in Glasgow for a walk and had another wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too." "Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my Grandad is dead?" Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin', because he is getting married today" At this point the doctor was close to losing the plot. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"
The missus has asked if I could help with her latest diet, so I have hidden her teeth. She has that many chins, she’s had to put a bookmark in, to remind her where her mouth is. Such is life...


How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you! In fact they’ll drone on and on and on about it. Fascinating!

Q) What is a fisherman’s favourite mode of transportation?

A) A motor Pike and side Carp.


Thought for Thursday: Compliment people. Magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses.

Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: "I've taken that many steroids, I've grown a tallywacker!" Albert replied: "Anabolic?" Nora sez: "No. Just a tallywacker..."

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website and continue the quest! Email Now, get back to wor       


Saturday 25 May 2019

The Nursery Or The Nursery?


The missus ordered some bedding plants from the local nursery and they asked when she’d like them delivered. “June 7th.” She told ‘em. I asked her why she picked that particular date and she sez: “Ne’er cast a clout until May is out!”

Breaking News: Diane Abbott throws milkshake at herself and misses!


Have you noticed that there are more bank holidays than there are banks nowadays! I often wonder why they are called bank holidays because you cannot find a bank anymore. They should be renamed Poundshop Holidays.


It’s a shame. Last week, Jamie Oliver’s restaurant chain went into administrone. Yes, folks, it’s all gone Bolognese up! He should have contacted Gordon Ramsey, who does a TV programme, showing how failed eateries can improve and do well. On a more positive note, there’s a new Bob Marley Themed restaurant where you can sit down and have a nice plate of curried goat, However, you have to get up, stand up, stand up for your rice.


A woodworm crawled into a bar. He sits down and asks: “Excuse me, but is the bar tender here?”

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her nursery kids put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a fair sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were! It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool, as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. The kid then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. The child then opined: "They're my brother's boots. My mummy made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" The kid said: "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."


One of life’s ponderables: When bumble bees relocate to a new hive, do they have a house swarming?


Thought for Thursday: Don’t blame a clown for being a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.


Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid lollygaggers and knaves. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: Email me: Now, get back to work!


Saturday 18 May 2019

A few recent gigs....




Farage Fury Fruit Cake Farrago....


Apparently, Happy Harry Hooper was in Crown Court for allegedly molesting a six foot tall Latvian lady of the night. Although, Harry stands only 4'2" tall. The judge, in summing up sez: “As I understand, the offence was committed in a standing position. Forgive me, but how did he reach?” The lady said, “He used a bucket, M’Lord.” Appearing quite perplexed, the judge replied, “But surely, you could have kicked the bucket away?” She answered, “He put the bucket on my head and swung from the handle.”

I hate it when parents name their kids stuff they can’t afford, like Mercedes, Ruby, Porsche, Lecky, Gas, Phone Bill, Council Tax, et cetera.


Worked in Stratford upon Avon last week and sauntered into a bookshop. I sez to the assistant: “Could I have a play by Shakespeare.” She replied: “Which one?” I sez: “William.” Stoopid people, eh! They walk among us!

When I was young I remember sneaking out of the house to go to parties. Now I find I am sneaking out of parties to go home. Innit awful gerrin auld!

When the missus gets out of bed, she likes to put on a school uniform with shorts, a school boy cap and speak in a Scottish accent. She’s always a little Krankie in the morning...

I sez to the window cleaner, "Because I caught you peeping at the missus through the bathroom window, I'm confiscating your ladders. And if I catch you doing it again, further steps will be taken"....


You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you fail to take, and statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do take. On that basis, is a leading authority anyone who has guessed right more than once? So where does this leave Theresa May? If she listened to herself more often, she would talk less.


Yesterday afternoon, the missus called me on my mobile phone. "I've broken down in Tintwistle. I have water in the carburettor." she opined. "Where’s the car?" I asked. She sez, "It’s in the reservoir." When I got there she’d dipped the headlights as well. Oh, and now I know that the airbag works!


Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime. In my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, I overheard Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora’s conversations become increasingly surreal. She sez to him the other day: “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.” Albert asked her if she’d seen a doctor. She replied: “No. Only spots....” Then yesterday, Albert asked her if she liked Tolstoy. She wholeheartedly agreed that she did. When Albert pressed her on which story was her favourite, she curtly informed him: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!”


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email


Monday 13 May 2019

The Displacement Syndrome....

"When I was just a little boy,
I asked my mother, what would I be,
Would I be handsome, would I be rich,
Here's what she said to me..... "


RIP Doris Day.                  

The missus had just got back from the garden centre, and I was busy watching Countdown, so was unable to assist her with unpacking the car and she was in a foul mood. As she was unloading various sacks of compost, she picked up a set of 4 solar garden lights, and proclaimed: 'I'm going to shove these where the sun don't shine'. I sez: 'Well, they're not going to work then’.... That’s when the fight started!


It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises...

ʇno ʇı ɯoɥʇɐɟ oʇ ƃuıʎɹʇ 'punoɹɐ puɐ punoɹɐ ǝuoɥdı ɹǝɥ ƃuıuɹnʇ uǝǝq s,ǝɥs ƃuıuɹoɯ sıɥʇ ןןɐ ˙uʍop ǝpısdn uǝʇʇıɹʍ sı ʇɐɥʇ ǝƃɐssǝɯ sıɥʇ snssıɯ ǝɥʇ ʇuǝs ı

Thought for Thursday: "The Law locks up the man or woman, who steals a goose from off the common, but leaves the greater villain loose, who steals the common off the goose."


I just adore the free stuff that you get in hotels. Like shampoo, shower gel, soaps, tea, coffee, toilet rolls, 52” Plasma TV’s, electric kettles, Corby Trouser Presses, comfy chairs , duvets, fluffy towels ,copper piping and brass taps and lead flashing from the adjacent church roof et cetera.


The last thing my grandad said to me, before he kicked the bucket was; "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?

Quiz of the Week: A skirmish erupts during a wedding reception. This bloke pulls out a hand gun and shoots his grandfather, brother and uncle; however there is only one dead body. How is this possible? Answer: The wedding was held in Norfolk. Give us a high six!


Mary Berry Recipe Book! I tried to make octopus soup, yesterday, but it turned out to be an absolute disaster! It took me well over an hour to get the squirming, ambidextrous critter in the pan and then when I eventually got it up on the hob, the little devil kept turning the gas out!

Quote of the Century: “If you are first, you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.” Bill Shankly.

A copper stopped a Scouser coming out of Currys PC World. “I have reason to believe that you have been shoplifting, so I’m going to perform a search. Now tell me, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?” The Scouser replied, “No, officer. Only Sony and Panasonic!”

"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."

Being an adult is a most unenviable existence. Some folk cannot let go of the past. Bailiffs are a notable example. Don’t forget the hordes of people meandering around Tesco, muttering to themselves: “I can’t believe I’ve forgotten the flamin’ carrier bags again!”


Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on You can email me: Now, get back to work!


Wednesday 1 May 2019

Ban The Bun!


My 22 year-old daughter Suzie asked me, “What was your favourite fast food when you were a kid?” “We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,” I informed her. “All the food was slow.” “C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?” ”It was at a place called home,”' I explained. “Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.” By this time, the lass was laughing so hard I was afraid she was going to suffer serious injury, so I didn't tell her the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

When Suzie was about 12 years old she asked me: “Daddy, will you take me to McDonalds Restaurant?” I advised that I would, but only if she could spell it. She thought for a moment and sez: “Let’s go KFC then!”


I got the missus a bag of B & Q Multi-Purpose compost for her birthday. She went mad and chucked it at me. Typical woman. Give 'em the earth and they throw it in your face. This scenario reminds me of when Barmy Albert bought Non-Stick Nora a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. I sez to him: "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4 x 4 Range Rover Evoques” Albert looked at me and replied: "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Range Rover Evoque?"

A mother finds a glossy magazine under her son’s bed while bottoming the skirting boards in his room. It’s all about spanking, sado-masochism and bondage. Understandably disturbed, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband. "Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?" “I’m not certain," replies the father. "But we shouldn’t be giving him a good hiding, that for sure!"


Riddle me this: Why is it that everything in the English Channel belongs to us, except the fish?

Thought for Thursday: If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

I entered my local paper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


I saw some absolutely disgusting behaviour on the beach at Llandudno last weekend.

A man and a woman were having an argument in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off royal. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his truncheon to the man; the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper and his wife. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages.


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email