An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the Scropton Street Medical Centre doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old bloke was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?' "I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fella: "and that is why I am in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee tot of whisky, and that's it." "Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who said my Dad died?" The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?" "He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin’, and then we went to a topless beach in Glasgow for a walk and had another wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too." "Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my Grandad is dead?" Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin', because he is getting married today" At this point the doctor was close to losing the plot. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"
The missus has asked if I could help with her latest diet, so I have hidden her teeth. She has that many chins, she’s had to put a bookmark in, to remind her where her mouth is. Such is life...
How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you! In fact they’ll drone on and on and on about it. Fascinating!
Q) What is a fisherman’s favourite mode of transportation?
A) A motor Pike and side Carp.
Thought for Thursday: Compliment people. Magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses.
Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: "I've taken that many steroids, I've grown a tallywacker!" Albert replied: "Anabolic?" Nora sez: "No. Just a tallywacker..."
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to wor
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